Ask the Dom/mes Thread

[cellis]

Dammit!!!

This whole thread should be moved over to manipulation and control...

There are people with real issues and questions and what happens... I find my self focusing on other people's stupid crap... again and again.... I am out of this hole for now...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: ok Question no 1 is..

____________________________
Well Master Always tells me He loves me and that I make Him HAPPY so I guess the main thing is just for me to learn to Accept that,it's just that when you have been involved with sexually and mentally abusive ASSHOLES before ,it doesnt come so easy sometimes..

And you are not the only one who had had to deal with assholes. That is the past and cannot be changed.

Remember the rules Dream. Leave the personal agenda out.

Eb

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: Re: PBW..

_____________________________________

YES YOU ARE INDEED DIFFERENT from my standpoint thank God for me , lol.. no disrespect intended ..however when you get to KNOW your submissive as well as Artful knows me you Know her mind as well as her heart... I really dont call it mind-reading at all ,I call it LOVE and TRUE caring for me and who I REALLY am ... He Molds my Behaviour as a 'gradual' process of my training ,,, dont happen overnite..JMHO ...and tyvm for yours Maam'.
My service to Himwas AUTOMATIC from the 1st time we met skin to skin ,he was very surprised... pleasingly I may add ,however It is harder for ME back online cause I'M NOT there to take care of the simple daily things like I'm used to,and I just miss it ,thats all
since you are NOT in my shoes tho,I truly DONT expect for you to UNDERSTAND that FEELING...

Dream,

I have to tell you how absolutely "tiring" this is. What I see you doing is using yet another thread to discuss your relationship with Artful, instead of discussing the topic at hand.

Cellis was correct about you discounting people's opinions if you don't agree with them. Comments like "since you are NOT in my shoes tho,I truly DONT expect for you to UNDERSTAND that FEELING." are insulting to the person who is responding to you.

If Artful "KNOWS" you so well, why did he choose to release you in such a public fashion as you clearly stated how much that upset you? You state your service to him was automatic, yet you are constantly stating how your mind won't let you submit. That is not automatic. Yet again, actions do not match words.

Since the two of you have made a choice to air your entire relationship publicly, I feel comfortable quesitoning it publicly.

The real question is who are you trying to convince, us or yourself?

I don't really care if you view this as "flaming" or if Artful views this as "trolling." I view it as a legitimate commentary about your posts. And Risia can feel free to delete this post if she chooses to.

 

[Ebonyfire]

So Zip while you are here...

Please add to the BDSM discussion.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Breaking a Sub in

Question for the Dom/mes:

You meet a submissive that is either new to the scene or very inexperienced and admits to wanting to experience their first erotic spanking/whipping/flogging.

First of all, If I were approached by a sub who admitted this without my asking for this information I very firmly tell them that
1) I ask the questions
2) They cannot offer information that I have not asked for.

If they agree, we move on, if they balk, I immediately put them on ignore.

I am not a top, and I am not "Scenes R Us".


If they pass all your tests for playing,

I do not just "play". There is nothing wrong with playing , it is not what I am about. I tell them to go to a much and find a group , or go to a club. I am not interested.

I am however interested in submissives who are interested in serving me. So I send them my Requirements List, and if they consent to the conditions written there. We can move forward.


tell us how you would go about setting up this scene with them and what sorts of things would you do to them, including such things as location, atomsphere, mood settings (music, etc), clothing, etc.,. Also, what sorts of things you would say to them regarding their fears about being spanked/whipped/flogged.

It take a few weeks to months before I may decide to play with a sub in training (training to serve Me)

a measure of trust has been established because W/we have already met.

I use a neutral location, with no play, and safe calls in effect.

There may be phones calls and numerous chat sessions just talk ing about D/s and expectations, fantasies, etc.


What sorts of safeguards would you put into place?

Most of the times the first play session is in a hotel in a neutral location. It is after a bond has been established my communication.

Is one session enough, or would multiple sessions be in order?

I do not have casual D/s sessions.

Ebony

 

[zipman]

Re: Breaking a Sub in

Question for the Dom/mes:

You meet a submissive that is either new to the scene or very inexperienced and admits to wanting to experience their first erotic spanking/whipping/flogging. If they pass all your tests for playing, tell us how you would go about setting up this scene with them and what sorts of things would you do to them, including such things as location, atomsphere, mood settings (music, etc), clothing, etc.,. Also, what sorts of things you would say to them regarding their fears about being spanked/whipped/flogged. What sorts of safeguards would you put into place? Is one session enough, or would multiple sessions be in order?

PBW

PBW,

Since every sub is different, every initial encounter is inherently different. However, there are some general rules of thumb that I go by during a first session.

First off, I agree with Eb that instantly giving a sub what they have asked for sets a precedent that they are always going to get what they want. That sets up a dynamic that might be difficult to break.

Here is one potential way to structure the first meeting.

Location: Should be someplace comfortable, with no threat of interference. I sometimes prefer the first encounter to be at the subs place (if possible) as they have the greatest comfort level there.

Mood setting: Again, for the first time, I would not have anything "scary" looking out. No visible whips, floggers etc. I would have soft soothing music playing.

Activity: I think one of the most important and most frequent mistakes that people make is jumping right into the physical aspects and not the psychological aspects which often, dictate the success of the relationship. I had a first scene with someone who had asked to be spanked. I went to her place, had her light candles, strip naked, and bend over her desk. She was waiting for the first spank with breathless anticipation. She never got it. What I did instead was to discuss the nature of submission, and asked her questions about why she wanted to submit to me, what the spanking would mean to her, how she would feel receiving it from me, and a variety of other questions designed to make her really think about what we were going to do. She was disappointed when I didn't spank her, but she was ten times more excited about the thought of next time. I told her that the next time wasn't definite either, and I would ask her more questions to see if she was indeed ready to submit to me for the right reasons.

Again, I would stress focusing on the psychological aspects at all times. Actual spanking technique is easy in comparison to learning how to dominate someone psychologically. The better the psychological domination, the more intense the physical pleasure becomes.

*edited to add* With regard to safety, I would definitely discuss the use and importance of safewords with a new sub. I would have them discuss any questions that they have regarding limits and safety. To be honest, I feel this fuels their apprehension while at the same time, allaying their fears. It also makes them think they will be spanked when I have no intention of doing that at all.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Breaking a Sub in

Activity: I think one of the most important and most frequent mistakes that people make is jumping right into the physical aspects and not the psychological aspects which often, dictate the success of the relationship. I had a first scene with someone who had asked to be spanked. I went to her place, had her light candles, strip naked, and bend over her desk. She was waiting for the first spank with breathless anticipation. She never got it. What I did instead was to discuss the nature of submission, and asked her questions about why she wanted to submit to me, what the spanking would mean to her, how she would feel receiving it from me, and a variety of other questions designed to make her really think about what we were going to do. She was disappointed when I didn't spank her, but she was ten times more excited about the thought of next time. I told her that the next time wasn't definite either, and I would ask her more questions to see if she was indeed ready to submit to me for the right reasons.

I really like that approach.

My first encounters rarely end with full play. I usually teach my rituals.

How to approach Me, and to address me, how to undress, where to kneel,

etc.

Great info Zip.

Eb

 

[zipman]

Re: So Zip while you are here...

Please add to the BDSM discussion.

Eb

Sorry for the digression Eb. I was in the middle of writing a post when I felt the need to comment with my other post.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Breaking a Sub in

I really like that approach.

My first encounters rarely end with full play. I usually teach my rituals.

How to approach Me, and to address me, how to undress, where to kneel,

etc.

Great info Zip.

Eb

Oh yeah,

And Inspection. I spend about an hour inspecting and talking to my sub. It really strips away their ego.

Eb

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Breaking a Sub in

Oh yeah,

And Inspection. I spend about an hour inspecting and talking to my sub. It really strips away their ego.

Eb

I have done this as well and agree that it has an extremely pleasing effect. The look on a woman's face when I make her spread her labia for my inspection is priceless. I usually just stare into her eyes as she holds herself open for my inspection. I will also have clear inspections on how I expect her to be groomed for future sessions. I dislike any hair on the labia, and if a woman doesn't wish to shave, she can find another Dom.

 

[~Dream~]

qUESTION?

hOW DOES "STRIPPING AWAY THE EGO" in any way make for a "good submissive" .. do you have respect for your subs?

 

[Ebonyfire]

So is it too much to ask someone these things when you are just getting to know them?

To answer this question, I looked to David Stein, in "What slaves Need".

He says "Indeed, the difference between a slave and a bottom may turn on the willingness, even eagerness, to serve in nonsexual ways".

I would say that it could describe the difference between a sub and a bottom too.

Most subs/slaves fantasize about serving in sexual ways, but I contend that it is a better test of submission to ask a sub/slva to serve in nonsexual ways. What you accomplish is allowing a sub or slave to expand the "gift" in ways that are not apparent.

So my answer is yes, it is appropriate to ask, if in fact that is the service you desire.

Ebony

 

[zipman]

Re: qUESTION?

hOW DOES "STRIPPING AWAY THEEGO" in any way make for a "good submissive" .. do you have respect for your subs?

I am going to answer this one as Eb is offline. This has nothing to do with a lack of respect for a sub, but everything to do with how ego can inhibit a sub's ability to submit to their dom/me.

Ego can often get in the way of submitting. Often, the subs who have the most difficulty in submitting are those whose egos are controlling their actions. Stripping away their ego through an action of inspection could go something like this:

There is a period of discomfort while the sub stands there, waiting for some comment on her body. The time drags by slowly for the sub. Naked, waiting for some indication that the dom/me is pleased with what they see. I will always find some tiny, correctable thing which I do not like so that I can say something like. I am most pleased with your appearance, however, I fully expect your pubic hair to be shaved and trimmed to MY liking. The sub gets the approval that they want/need, while at the same time, hearing something actionable that they can do to please their dom/me even more.

*edited to add* sorry Eb, thought you had left. Feel free to disagree with my explanation. As if you wouldn't

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Breaking a Sub in

I have done this as well and agree that it has an extremely pleasing effect. The look on a woman's face when I make her spread her labia for my inspection is priceless. I usually just stare into her eyes as she holds herself open for my inspection. I will also have clear inspections on how I expect her to be groomed for future sessions. I dislike any hair on the labia, and if a woman doesn't wish to shave, she can find another Dom.

Oh yes. I love the feel of the male bare pubis. I also get rid of the anus hair too.

Eb

 

[Blue Dolphin]

hey dream
gotta agree with you love
this should not be about control
strippin away egos
what is next, total mind control

is love
pure and simple
and you are a swetheart darlin
BD

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: qUESTION?

I am going to answer this one as Eb is offline. This has nothing to do with a lack of respect for a sub, but everything to do with how ego can inhibit a sub's ability to submit to their dom/me.

Ego can often get in the way of submitting. Often, the subs who have the most difficulty in submitting are those whose egos are controlling their actions. Stripping away their ego through an action of inspection could go something like this:

There is a period of discomfort while the sub stands there, waiting for some comment on her body. The time drags by slowly for the sub. Naked, waiting for some indication that the dom/me is pleased with what they see. I will always find some tiny, correctable thing which I do not like so that I can say something like. I am most pleased with your appearance, however, I fully expect your pubic hair to be shaved and trimmed to MY liking. The sub gets the approval that they want/need, while at the same time, hearing something actionable that they can do to please their dom/me even more.

*edited to add* sorry Eb, thought you had left. Feel free to disagree with my explanation. As if you wouldn't

I think you answered it wonderfully.

Dream is not asking me a valid question, but is baiting Me. I am refusing her bait.

I think her question of do I respect my submissives is meant to be disrepectful.

Eb

 

[SexyChele]

<Snip>
I ask for specifics, as in his fantasies. There is nothing wrong with a sub telling you his fantasies. It gives you insight into his kink.
<Snip>

Just wanted to second this approach. Both dominants that I am seriously considering have asked me what my specific fantasies were regarding a scene. (Of course, in both situations, there would be more than scening involved) Both have told me they can derive more information about where a sub's mind is at when she tells them exactly what she thinks will take place. Always the disclaimer: wheat she thinks might happen is not necessarily what will happen.

The first time I did this, the Dom told me he did not expect as much detail as I had given him. He told me most subs just write, "I want to be tied up and spanked." The second Dom has given me instructions to be as specific as possible, to write as though it were truly happening, to includ feelings as well as actions. (He's not yet fully aware of my writing)

I do not mean to get off topic with my own stuff here, since that is not what this is about. (My sincere apologies) But I did want to comment on this approach. Whether a sub verbalizes their fantasies in person/over the the phone, or in writing (writing is somehow easier for me), I really think this is a good prelude to opening the doors for communication. It allows me, as a sub, to let a prospective Dom know what sorts of things I think about and might want to try. (although trying all things the first time is most likely impossible) It also gives him an idea of where I'm at and whether our kinks can match. I also believe it helps to open up further discussion. I find it difficult to verbalize my fantasies until I've known some one very well. By writing them down, he can then ask me questions, or have me exand on them verbally, opening up the avenues of communication even further.

Great idea, EB!

I do hope this thread takes off - the premise is a good one.

 

[MsWorthy]

My question is about what rights a sub has to her own body.

Can a Dom/Domme make you do things that alter you?

Meaning such things as hair,tattoos,branding,piercing,etc?

Can you just say no?

Certainly you can say no, but I think the question is, when should you say it.

These are the things that should be negotiated before the relationship is cemented. Respect for each person's boundaries and the exchange of power must be clear if the relationship is to succeed.

In my opinion, this is one of the most common reasons for the failure of many d/s relationship. Neither party has been clear about what she/he wants from the relationship nor what she/he is willing to give. What you expect and what you are willing to give must be clearly stated before a commitment is made, or chaos, manipulation, and fighting for power will be how most of your time is spent together.

It is unrealistic to expect anyone to be able and willing to easily give 100 % submission or 100 % domination when the relationship is new. There is a learning curve with each new relationship. This is where scheduled renegotiation can help.

Limits change as a relationship grows, and these can easily be renegotiated at regular intervals (or as either feel the need for renegotiation), but no one wants to feel that the other can change her/his mind every other week. Commit only to what you can give now. Express what you would like to be able to give, eventually, when you feel more secure in the relationship, but do not commit to 24/7 PE (or TPE) when you are not even sure you can go that far, yourself.

If you feel (think) that you may be saying no, or wondering if you can say no and get away with it, perhaps this is a good time for re-evaluating your relationship.

If you feel that most of your needs are being met, I would suggest renegotiation and discussion about the areas that you have, perhaps pre-emptively, decided you are going to refuse.

If most of your needs are not being met, I would suggest taking a step back/away from your relationship and asking yourself if this is the type of (d/s) relationship you need/want.

~this is general advice, and not aimed at you, specifically, LTR.~

 

[zipman]

hey dream
gotta agree with you love
this should not be about control
strippin away egos
what is next, total mind control

is love
pure and simple
and you are a swetheart darlin
BD

Actually, the very essence of BDSM is about control. Control through consensual power exchange. If this is not what it is about, then it becomes mere physical abuse. And control and love are not mutually exclusive, in fact Love often grows stronger as control is exerted.

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: qUESTION?

I am going to answer this one as Eb is offline. This has nothing to do with a lack of respect for a sub, but everything to do with how ego can inhibit a sub's ability to submit to their dom/me.

Ego can often get in the way of submitting. Often, the subs who have the most difficulty in submitting are those whose egos are controlling their actions. Stripping away their ego through an action of inspection could go something like this:

There is a period of discomfort while the sub stands there, waiting for some comment on her body. The time drags by slowly for the sub. Naked, waiting for some indication that the dom/me is pleased with what they see. I will always find some tiny, correctable thing which I do not like so that I can say something like. I am most pleased with your appearance, however, I fully expect your pubic hair to be shaved and trimmed to MY liking. The sub gets the approval that they want/need, while at the same time, hearing something actionable that they can do to please their dom/me even more.

*edited to add* sorry Eb, thought you had left. Feel free to disagree with my explanation. As if you wouldn't

__________________________

well at least THAT is an explanation that I can understand, ty Zipman .. and uh No i'm sorry you misunderstood my intentions once again Eb,I have Better things to do with my time than " Baiting ' people,esp Dom/mes that I am trying HARD to respect ..

 

[Ebonyfire]

Chele, I know I get on your case sometimes, but you are entirely on topic. The information you are giving is clear, concise and very useful to Dom/mes, switches and subs etc. I am happy (as always) to see you post.

Thank you for posting.

Eb

Just wanted to second this approach. Both dominants that I am seriously considering have asked me what my specific fantasies were regarding a scene. (Of course, in both situations, there would be more than scening involved) Both have told me they can derive more information about where a sub's mind is at when she tells them exactly what she thinks will take place. Always the disclaimer: wheat she thinks might happen is not necessarily what will happen.

The first time I did this, the Dom told me he did not expect as much detail as I had given him. He told me most subs just write, "I want to be tied up and spanked." The second Dom has given me instructions to be as specific as possible, to write as though it were truly happening, to includ feelings as well as actions. (He's not yet fully aware of my writing)

I do not mean to get off topic with my own stuff here, since that is not what this is about. (My sincere apologies) But I did want to comment on this approach. Whether a sub verbalizes their fantasies in person/over the the phone, or in writing (writing is somehow easier for me), I really think this is a good prelude to opening the doors for communication. It allows me, as a sub, to let a prospective Dom know what sorts of things I think about and might want to try. (although trying all things the first time is most likely impossible) It also gives him an idea of where I'm at and whether our kinks can match. I also believe it helps to open up further discussion. I find it difficult to verbalize my fantasies until I've known some one very well. By writing them down, he can then ask me questions, or have me exand on them verbally, opening up the avenues of communication even further.

Great idea, EB!

I do hope this thread takes off - the premise is a good one.

 

[SexyChele]

hey dream
gotta agree with you love
this should not be about control
strippin away egos
what is next, total mind control

is love
pure and simple
and you are a swetheart darlin
BD

"this should not be about control"??? Then, exactly, what is your interpretation of BDSM? Most specfically, what do you think the "D" and the "s" stand for in something called a D/s relationship?

Domination (the "D", in case you are wondering) is all about control. Submission (the "s" in this case) is all about giving that control, voluntarily, to a Dominant. It is an exchange of control. This might occur 24/7 or simply in the bedroom, or some other combination in between. It might be sexual and then it might be, as in EB's case, mostly service. (Hope I got that right, EB)

We all have egos. Egos sometimes translate to pride, and pride can interfer with submitting. I think the term "stripping away" is not necessarily what EB was saying in the strictest form. In order for a sub to service his/her Dom/me they do have to retain some sense of pride of themselves. But that part that pulls them back from complete submission to their Dom/me is what needs to be pulled back, so the inner most layer is revealed.

This is an act that must be done carefully, so that the sub is not left without any pride at all. And I would imagine, from what I have been told, that in new subs, this almost occurs as with an onion - in layers, until his/her heart and soul are open completely to their dominant.

EB sometimes comes across as uncaring towards her subs in posts, but if one truly reads what she says and writes, one can see that she does, in fact, have high regard for her submissives. She is able to read them, give them what they need while at the same time receiving from them what she needs. She has been able to acheive that delicate balance of exchange. That is no small task, as I'm sure any of the Dom/me's on here could tell you.

I can understand defending a friend, BD. But this is, after all, a place that involves people who get their sexual satisfaction from an exchange of control.

 

[~Dream~]

ty B.D.

hey dream
gotta agree with you love
this should not be about control
strippin away egos
what is next, total mind control

is love
pure and simple
and you are a swetheart darlin
BD

____________________________
D/s IS all about Control but the Control should NEVER come before a person's feelings,,JMHO and I own it ,,it is a gift and in my opinion an offer of LOVE to offer one's Submission to the Dom as she is making herself very Vulnerable.....

 

[Ebonyfire]

Certainly you can say no, but I think the question is, when should you say it.

These are the things that should be negotiated before the relationship is cemented. Respect for each person's boundaries and the exchange of power must be clear if the relationship is to succeed.

In my opinion, this is one of the most common reasons for the failure of many d/s relationship. Neither party has been clear about what she/he wants from the relationship nor what she/he is willing to give. What you expect and what you are willing to give must be clearly stated before a commitment is made, or chaos, manipulation, and fighting for power will be how most of your time is spent together.

It is unrealistic to expect anyone to be able and willing to easily give 100 % submission or 100 % domination when the relationship is new. There is a learning curve with each new relationship. This is where scheduled renegotiation can help.

Limits change as a relationship grows, and these can easily be renegotiated at regular intervals (or as either feel the need for renegotiation), but no one wants to feel that the other can change her/his mind every other week. Commit only to what you can give now. Express what you would like to be able to give, eventually, when you feel more secure in the relationship, but do not commit to 24/7 PE (or TPE) when you are not even sure you can go that far, yourself.

If you feel (think) that you may be saying no, or wondering if you can say no and get away with it, perhaps this is a good time for re-evaluating your relationship.

If you feel that most of your needs are being met, I would suggest renegotiation and discussion about the areas that you have, perhaps pre-emptively, decided you are going to refuse.

If most of your needs are not being met, I would suggest taking a step back/away from your relationship and asking yourself if this is the type of (d/s) relationship you need/want.

~this is general advice, and not aimed at you, specifically, LTR.~

Can the church say Amen? Thank you MsWorthy.

Ebony

 

[~Dream~]

re;Chele

"this should not be about control"??? Then, exactly, what is your interpretation of BDSM? Most specfically, what do you think the "D" and the "s" stand for in something called a D/s relationship?

Domination (the "D", in case you are wondering) is all about control. Submission (the "s" in this case) is all about giving that control, voluntarily, to a Dominant. It is an exchange of control. This might occur 24/7 or simply in the bedroom, or some other combination in between. It might be sexual and then it might be, as in EB's case, mostly service. (Hope I got that right, EB)

We all have egos. Egos sometimes translate to pride, and pride can interfer with submitting. I think the term "stripping away" is not necessarily what EB was saying in the strictest form. In order for a sub to service his/her Dom/me they do have to retain some sense of pride of themselves. But that part that pulls them back from complete submission to their Dom/me is what needs to be pulled back, so the inner most layer is revealed.

This is an act that must be done carefully, so that the sub is not left without any pride at all. And I would imagine, from what I have been told, that in new subs, this almost occurs as with an onion - in layers, until his/her heart and soul are open completely to their dominant.

EB sometimes comes across as uncaring towards her subs in posts, but if one truly reads what she says and writes, one can see that she does, in fact, have high regard for her submissives. She is able to read them, give them what they need while at the same time receiving from them what she needs. She has been able to acheive that delicate balance of exchange. That is no small task, as I'm sure any of the Dom/me's on here could tell you.

I can understand defending a friend, BD. But this is, after all, a place that involves people who get their sexual satisfaction from an exchange of control.

__________________

ty for the 'clarification" Chele that DID NEED TO STATED !!
"In order for a sub to service his/her Dom/me they do have to retain some sense of pride of themselves. But that part that pulls them back from complete submission to their Dom/me is what needs to be pulled back, so the "Inner most layer" is revealed.

This is an act that must be done carefully, so that the sub is not left without any pride at all. And I would imagine, from what I have been told, that in new subs, this almost occurs as with an onion - in Layers, until his/her heart and soul are open completely to their dominant."

This Onion is getting peeled slowly so Master can SAVOR every part nice analogy Chele,ty
"