Ask the Dom/mes Thread

[Ebonyfire]

EB sometimes comes across as uncaring towards her subs in posts, but if one truly reads what she says and writes, one can see that she does, in fact, have high regard for her submissives. She is able to read them, give them what they need while at the same time receiving from them what she needs. She has been able to acheive that delicate balance of exchange. That is no small task, as I'm sure any of the Dom/me's on here could tell you.

Thanks, chele.

It is typical for those who cannot or do not have magic in their D/s to not understand how it is achieved within another's relationship.

Fact:

I have two part-times submissives.

They serve Me and they desire to serve Me. I know them better than their own families. They desire what I have to give. They do not diss me or humiliate me online, nor do they defy Me. Why? Cause they are happy and content.

They do not question my control, direction or authority. We have boundaries and limits that are never crossed.

Fact:

I have a LD 24/7 TPE slave-in-training. Most of My posts relate to the part-times relationships. proud is another story. I do not discuss him on this forum. I discuss him in private communications with him and him alone. The relationship with him will be a total power exchange and it is imperative that he knows that what he and I discuss are private.

So whether you think I respect my subs or slave, I do not give a rat's ass.

They know how I feel, about them. I know how they feel about Me.

Fact:

My subs and slave know who is in charge. Enuf said.

Ebony

 

[zipman]

<snip>
We all have egos. Egos sometimes translate to pride, and pride can interfer with submitting. I think the term "stripping away" is not necessarily what EB was saying in the strictest form. In order for a sub to service his/her Dom/me they do have to retain some sense of pride of themselves. But that part that pulls them back from complete submission to their Dom/me is what needs to be pulled back, so the inner most layer is revealed.

This is an act that must be done carefully, so that the sub is not left without any pride at all. And I would imagine, from what I have been told, that in new subs, this almost occurs as with an onion - in layers, until his/her heart and soul are open completely to their dominant.

<snip>

I have a slightly different take on this. I think that a person's ego is a combination of pride and self-esteem. I define pride in the more biblical sense where it is listed among the seven deadly sins. It is the overinflated feeling of self-importance. Self-esteem is the healthy appreciation of self-worth. When one strips away the ego, you remove the pride while encouraging the self-esteem. This way, you are indeed "respecting" the sub while at the same time, removing the impediments to successful submission.

 

[Ebonyfire]

hey dream
gotta agree with you love
this should not be about control
strippin away egos
what is next, total mind control

is love
pure and simple
and you are a swetheart darlin
BD

You are welcome to post to this thread IF you have can stick to the topic at hand. You obviously do not care about BDSM. This is not the "I love Dream Thread" Go back to the GB.

Do not hijack this thread.

Ebonyfire

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have a slightly different take on this. I think that a person's ego is a combination of pride and self-esteem. I define pride in the more biblical sense where it is listed among the seven deadly sins. It is the overinflated feeling of self-importance. Self-esteem is the healthy appreciation of self-worth. When one strips away the ego, you remove the pride while encouraging the self-esteem. This way, you are indeed "respecting" the sub while at the same time, removing the impediments to successful submission.

Right Zip. I think that there was a hidden agenda in that question.

We have several threads that have dealt with the subject of ego.
It is the very basic natures of D/s that addresses this.

What Dom/me wants a submissive who is not a whole person? Only a healthy psyche and withstand the rigors of D/s.

Ebony

 

[Desdemona]

OK... here is a question for you. A single sub wants to get involved in the local leather community. What words of wisdom would you all offer?


I'm going back to work now. I'll check in later.

 

[Ricckk]

Re: ok Question no 1 is..

"What are some suggestions ,if any, for a new submissive to do to be able to 'properly be 'serving Her/his Master/Mistress in an LDR /online WHERE IT IS SO HARD FOR THE submissive to FEEL she/he is doing a good job?"I am VERY serious here....

Again I must say that I do not wish to offend anyone. I speak with some experience here because I have been involved in a LDR for almost 5 years but my answer has little to do with the lifestyle.

Any successful relationship requires communication and trust in each other's words; honest communication without manipulation and without hidden agendas on the part of both. It is one of the satisfactions and also one of the challenges of LD to make this happen. IMHO, communications is a greater duty for the dominant than the submissive; both directing one's submissive and also giving and expecting feedback from him or her. If it is "SO HARD" to know if you are "doing a good job" then communication is lacking. If you are receiving but ignoring or minimizing such feedback, then you are in effect saying that you do not trust in each other's words.

My advice, for what it is worth, would be for anyone with this challenge to first decide for yourself if you trust his or her words. If you do, then address the issue of communication with your PARTNER.

 

[froggy_day]

thank you for this thread

while it has digressed, it still contains much useful information. Thanks

I don't know if my question is specific enough, forgive me if it is not.

My girlfriend and I would love a sub boy (to spend time with, not necesarily a 24/7 type thing but not just for a scene). Does anyone have any advice for a threesome? Are there any ways we should approach things differently then you would in a one on one relationship?

I hope that's clear.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: thank you for this thread

while it has digressed, it still contains much useful information. Thanks

I don't know if my question is specific enough, forgive me if it is not.

My girlfriend and I would love a sub boy (to spend time with, not necesarily a 24/7 type thing but not just for a scene). Does anyone have any advice for a threesome? Are there any ways we should approach things differently then you would in a one on one relationship?

I hope that's clear.

Your questions are very clear.

I find that using bondage. com, alt.com, or adulfriendfinder.com where you can do a search for specific criteria.

It give you a selection to choose from, and it also cnahelp define what you are lookig for. And if you post that you want a part-time relationship, all the more better.

Does this help?

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

OK... here is a question for you. A single sub wants to get involved in the local leather community. What words of wisdom would you all offer?


I'm going back to work now. I'll check in later.

My main advice is to meet people out of role. Go to the munches. If you do not want to go alone, take a buddy.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: ok Question no 1 is..

Again I must say that I do not wish to offend anyone. I speak with some experience here because I have been involved in a LDR for almost 5 years but my answer has little to do with the lifestyle.

Any successful relationship requires communication and trust in each other's words; honest communication without manipulation and without hidden agendas on the part of both. It is one of the satisfactions and also one of the challenges of LD to make this happen. IMHO, communications is a greater duty for the dominant than the submissive; both directing one's submissive and also giving and expecting feedback from him or her. If it is "SO HARD" to know if you are "doing a good job" then communication is lacking. If you are receiving but ignoring or minimizing such feedback, then you are in effect saying that you do not trust in each other's words.

My advice, for what it is worth, would be for anyone with this challenge to first decide for yourself if you trust his or her words. If you do, then address the issue of communication with your PARTNER.

Thank you ricckk. You hit the nail right on the head.

Ebony

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: thank you for this thread

Your questions are very clear.

I find that using bondage. com, alt.com, or adulfriendfinder.com where you can do a search for specific criteria.

It give you a selection to choose from, and it also cnahelp define what you are lookig for. And if you post that you want a part-time relationship, all the more better.

Does this help?

Eb

I would also suggest that you have a very clear conversation with your gf regarding bringing this other person into your sex life. What limits will you have? Does the potential for jealousy exist? How will you manage the jealousy?

The most important thing to remember is that the additional person is just that, additional, and the health and happiness of your relationship must come first. Then, the addition of the other person "fits" into both of your clearly discussed and identified needs.

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: ok Question no 1 is..

Again I must say that I do not wish to offend anyone. I speak with some experience here because I have been involved in a LDR for almost 5 years but my answer has little to do with the lifestyle.

Any successful relationship requires communication and trust in each other's words; honest communication without manipulation and without hidden agendas on the part of both. It is one of the satisfactions and also one of the challenges of LD to make this happen. IMHO, communications is a greater duty for the dominant than the submissive; both directing one's submissive and also giving and expecting feedback from him or her. If it is "SO HARD" to know if you are "doing a good job" then communication is lacking. If you are receiving but ignoring or minimizing such feedback, then you are in effect saying that you do not trust in each other's words.

My advice, for what it is worth, would be for anyone with this challenge to first decide for yourself if you trust his or her words. If you do, then address the issue of communication with your PARTNER.

_____________________

ty Ricckk ,Good advice and I do Feel that I TRUST my Master's words as He has ALWAYS been an honest man ,however giving ALL my trust to Him in such a short period of time seems to be the underlying thing we may need to discuss more(SOME SUBS TAKE MORE TIME THAN OTHERS) we are all different .... I appreciate your CONSTRUCTIVE criticism... in relation to another topic


the Ego" thing again .. just as submissivess..Do
Deserves no LESS than a Dom /me with a 'healthy psyche also !! yes ,i can agree to that... people who are always willing to learn from their mistakes,and try earnestly to change are some of the HEALTHIEST people on this planet.. JMHO and i OWN IT.


AND SINCE THERE IS a 'combination as Zip said It's equally IMPORTANT to only Strip away the "Pride' and not TEAR away at the "self-esteem' sounds like a 'delicate job with MUCH responsibility to me ,causes me to have a GREATER appreciation of Dom /mes..

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: thank you for this thread

I would also suggest that you have a very clear conversation with your gf regarding bringing this other person into your sex life. What limits will you have? Does the potential for jealousy exist? How will you manage the jealousy?

The most important thing to remember is that the additional person is just that, additional, and the health and happiness of your relationship must come first. Then, the addition of the other person "fits" into both of your clearly discussed and identified needs.

Great insight. I do not have experience in D/s threesome cause I interact one-on one.

Great info.

Eb

 

[~Dream~]

my apologies to Eb

for anytime this thread was taken 'off topic' by me or my friends... sorry..

 

[zipman]

Re: Re: Re: Re: thank you for this thread

Great insight. I do not have experience in D/s threesome cause I interact one-on one.

Great info.

Eb

Actually Eb, neither do I, but we are discussing the possibilities now and that was my first learning about it.

 

[froggy_day]

Re: Re: Re: thank you for this thread

I would also suggest that you have a very clear conversation with your gf regarding bringing this other person into your sex life. What limits will you have? Does the potential for jealousy exist? How will you manage the jealousy?

The most important thing to remember is that the additional person is just that, additional, and the health and happiness of your relationship must come first. Then, the addition of the other person "fits" into both of your clearly discussed and identified needs.

Oh yes, we have been having that conversation for quite awhile now. now we have to have it with a potential third.

Thank you for you help. You too EB. Much respect to you both.

 

[lovetoread]

How different is it to have a slave as opposed to a sub?

And on a totally unrelated note,when going into a new relationship,do you have a formal contract or is it a verbal agreement?

 

[Blue Dolphin]

You are welcome to post to this thread IF you have can stick to the topic at hand. You obviously do not care about BDSM. This is not the "I love Dream Thread" Go back to the GB.

Do not hijack this thread.

Ebonyfire

I beg your pardon
Does BDSM mean you have to be rude as well.
That dear lady, was uncalled ofr,and un necessary.
I came to support a friend.
No more, no less,
and the last thing I epected was insults
BD

 

[Blue Dolphin]

"this should not be about control"??? Then, exactly, what is your interpretation of BDSM? Most specfically, what do you think the "D" and the "s" stand for in something called a D/s relationship?

Domination (the "D", in case you are wondering) is all about control. Submission (the "s" in this case) is all about giving that control, voluntarily, to a Dominant. It is an exchange of control. This might occur 24/7 or simply in the bedroom, or some other combination in between. It might be sexual and then it might be, as in EB's case, mostly service. (Hope I got that right, EB)

We all have egos. Egos sometimes translate to pride, and pride can interfer with submitting. I think the term "stripping away" is not necessarily what EB was saying in the strictest form. In order for a sub to service his/her Dom/me they do have to retain some sense of pride of themselves. But that part that pulls them back from complete submission to their Dom/me is what needs to be pulled back, so the inner most layer is revealed.

This is an act that must be done carefully, so that the sub is not left without any pride at all. And I would imagine, from what I have been told, that in new subs, this almost occurs as with an onion - in layers, until his/her heart and soul are open completely to their dominant.

EB sometimes comes across as uncaring towards her subs in posts, but if one truly reads what she says and writes, one can see that she does, in fact, have high regard for her submissives. She is able to read them, give them what they need while at the same time receiving from them what she needs. She has been able to acheive that delicate balance of exchange. That is no small task, as I'm sure any of the Dom/me's on here could tell you.

I can understand defending a friend, BD. But this is, after all, a place that involves people who get their sexual satisfaction from an exchange of control.

I hear you Chele,
np love
ty
BD

 

[Ebonyfire]

I beg your pardon
Does BDSM mean you have to be rude as well.
That dear lady, was uncalled ofr,and un necessary.
I came to support a friend.
No more, no less,
and the last thing I epected was insults
BD

I did not insult you, and you know it.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

I did not insult you, and you know it.

this is my thread, and trolling is uncalled for. You were out of line. Deal with it.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

How different is it to have a slave as opposed to a sub?

And on a totally unrelated note,when going into a new relationship,do you have a formal contract or is it a verbal agreement?

We get into some very hairy territory here. Some submissives do not like the term slave.

It depends on how the relationship is setup really.

In my case, it is about 24/7 TPE or Total Power Exchange. I will look for the link that describes the different levels for submissives and post it here for clarification purposes.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Levels of Submission

We get into some very hairy territory here. Some submissives do not like the term slave.

It depends on how the relationship is setup really.

In my case, it is about 24/7 TPE or Total Power Exchange. I will look for the link that describes the different levels for submissives and post it here for clarification purposes.

Eb

Here is the link:

Nine Different Levels of Submission

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Levels of Submission

Here is the link:

Nine Different Levels of Submission

Edited for redundancy.

Eb

 

[MsWorthy]

Eb this is a great idea for a thread!!

So you know that I have this little Domme streak that I have been working on and I am wondering how do I prevent myself from being a situation where I am being manipulated by a sub...

In other words what are some of the warning signs or signals that you look for?

If dealing with manipulation is unfamiliar ground for you, it can be difficult to spot, especially if a person is *good* at manipulating.

One way to recognize manipulation is to know what manipulation is and understand why it is done.


What:
Manipulation is using any means to persuade a person (you) to meet the manipulator's needs/desires other than clearly asking to have these needs/desires met. (There is both a negative/damaging and postive/reinforcing way of manipulating, but that is another discussion.)


Why:
In general, manipulation is done to get something without coming out and directly asking for it. People often try to get their needs met by manipulating, because they think that asking for something directly:

1. has a higher risk of being refused.

2. would sound too selfish/greedy/demanding.

3. would spoil the illusion that the idea originated with you.

4. would ruin the effect of controlling on the sly and force them to acknowledge that they are attempting to control you or get their way regardless of how you feel about it.

Once you understand what manipulation is and why is it done, it becomes easier to spot.

Another way to recognize manipulation is to pay attention to your feelings. If you are feeling pressured, stressed, and/or frustrated or feeling heavily flattered, extraordinarily special/unique, or all-powerful during a conversation chances are good that the other person is trying to manipulate you.

Be aware that many people are not aware that they are manipulating. We are all taught, especially females, that manipulation is the way to get what they need and want, so it can be quite difficult to see that one is not being straightforward, but is indeed, manipulating.

For example, how often have you heard someone say:

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Pretty packaging sells the product.
You won't get a man dressed like that.
A little honey (sex) makes the medicine (money, gifts) go down.
If you love me, you will do this for me.

Of course, these platitudes can also be used to mean other things, but they can also be understood as suggesting that you should not deal with things head on, rather you should find an indirect way to get what you want.

~there are several threads here that deal with manipulation, if you have the interest in searching for them~