ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[MikeD93]

"Id love to see you and your mates fuck my wife, then cum in a cup and have her drink it"

Yeah. No about being a human jiz vending machine.

 

[Aurantica]

"Id love to see you and your mates fuck my wife, then cum in a cup and have her drink it"

Yeah. No about being a human jiz vending machine.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it's nice to see men getting these types of messages too.

 

[DisreputableDan]

I get a bit aroused from a well placed apostrophe

How do you feel about the Oxford comma?

Brilliant idea for a thread though, I might be here for some time catching up..

 

[MikeD93]

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it's nice to see men getting these types of messages too.

This isn't the first one either!
Today I got one saying, im horny, suck my cock. like oh yeah that's how it goes.

 

[Cumference]

This wat posted, so I guess there is no need for anonymity:

NOW
need a submissive
couple.. you will do what you are told. maybe a safe word if I am feeling generous

completely off topic in that thread.


Is it only asshat when done in private?

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

This wat posted, so I guess there is no need for anonymity:



completely off topic in that thread.


Is it only asshat when done in private?

Oh no, the asshat is stretchy - it can fit most any circumstance!

 

[Emmanuelle83]

Don't ask why - boredom, I suppose - I was reading through some of my asshat favorites. This one stands out.

Hi Emmanuelle. I am a 40 year old man who is liking for an ongoing sub. I desire a woman who will be willing to challenge herself for my pleasure. I will expect regular interaction through either emails or chats and you will be expected to prove your submission to me through pics or vids. I do like to start slowly and build up and would want to discuss any boundaries you may have. These kind of relationships can be really fun, especially if both parties stay at it for awhile. I hope I will hear from you soon.​

It seems to have the stench of copy and paste from an old pulp novel covered in pizza grease.

 

[satindesire]

I want to say that your picture is very pretty. My ambition is someday a beautiful woman like you will think my cock is pretty too, and might suck it until my gooey explosion. Maybe if we become friends it will be you? You are a woman, aren't you?

http://www.reddit.com/r/creepyPMs/

I haven't received a reply. I'm thinking that this guy is either a troll or into a humiliation fetish, and didn't get the response he was hoping for on either count.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I haven't received a reply. I'm thinking that this guy is either a troll or into a humiliation fetish, and didn't get the response he was hoping for on either count.

If only you could reach out through the internet and smack people... Right on the head

 

[satindesire]

If only you could reach out through the internet and smack people... Right on the head

I'm pretty sure any gentleman who uses "Gooey explosion" unironically is too young for me to hit. I don't want to go to jail for assaulting a minor.

 

[Aurantica]

I'm pretty sure any gentleman who uses "Gooey explosion" unironically is too young for me to hit. I don't want to go to jail for assaulting a minor.

Don't you usually see those words advertising some sugared-up kids treat?


Ew, now that's a unpleasant mental image....

 

[Ahlam]

Asshat: R U shaved?

Me: Yes, eyebrows are so vintage.

Asshat: the fuk?

 

[talikat]

Asshat: R U shaved?

Me: Yes, eyebrows are so vintage.

Asshat: the fuk?

HAHAHAHAHA! Funny!

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Oh no, the asshat is stretchy - it can fit most any circumstance!

I think you mean an assHOLE

 

[Ahlam]

Was I rude?

I didn't think I was especially rude but I'm sort of confused now. Was this guy the asshat, or was I? I reread our exchange and I don't think I was unjustifiably rude. But sometimes I am!

Him: Hey, I'm a nice guy. Want to be friends?

Me: Okay, why not?

Him: I'm sort of new to BDSM. Edging. You have any knowledge or experience with that?

Me: Edging as in coaxing your partner right to the edge of a climax and then keeping them there?

Him: Yeah, something like that. Ever since I saw this video the other day of being ordered by a woman when to start and stop jerking off, she controlled when he came, it seemed super erotic to me and I want to try it.

Me: Cool. Did you actually have a question about it or...?

Him: I was wondering you could help me experience it.

Me: No thanks. I'm not comfortable with that since you're a complete stranger and all. I'm sure there are lots of groups on Fetlife that will point you in the right direction.

Him: Well i'd like to be vocal about this, if we're going to be friends we have to start somewhere, i can tell you when I'm getting close, and closer and you can tell me to stop and take my hand off my cock and watch me squirm

Me: Didn't I just tell you no? Oh, yep. I did say no. No means no. If you really wanted to be friends, you respect that. You're right to surmise that edging can be a team effort. You can find someone else to help you with that process.

Him: What more do you need? We could do it online.

Me: I need you to stop. Do you usually solicit sexual favors from strangers? Clearly you have the wrong idea about me. I said NO. Now leave me alone or I will block you.

Him: LOL ok cool. You're WAY too easily offended. There's no need to be rude! You shouldn't say that you're friendly on your profile if you're really just high strung about sex.

This was the point at which he was blocked. I didn't think I was impolite, but next time I'll just say, "Fuck off you fucking fuck!!!" and save some time.

 

[Etoile]

I didn't think I was especially rude but I'm sort of confused now. Was this guy the asshat, or was I? I reread our exchange and I don't think I was unjustifiably rude. But sometimes I am!

He was definitely the asshat.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

He was definitely the asshat!
I have to admit though that I have misinterpreted few messages and accused people of being asshats when they were not. I go back and re-read and say... oh shit. A great friendship here started that way

 

[midwestyankee]

He was an asshat, though a bit duller than the usual suspects. You handled him much more politely than some people might have.

 

[Ahlam]

He was an asshat, though a bit duller than the usual suspects. You handled him much more politely than some people might have.

You know, he used complete sentences. That made me want to be more polite than I would have been if he'd written in texting language. I should watch out for that!

 

[Aurantica]

His asshattery lies in his persistence, and the assumption that you will automatically be friend with him just because he wants someone to control his wanking. Though to be honest he may eventually find someone on here willing to do edgeplay, because he sounds like a reasonably eloquent person.

 

[Vixandra]

Well, this escalated quickly-

mom sons
Mom was raped by me and my Brother and turned into our special sex slave we are going to impregnate her

Maybe they're from that deep part of the South ain't nobody gonna talk about.

 

[FurryFury]

The, "You are clearly here for me to use the way I want or why the hell are you here" thing is getting really old.

 

[Yardley]

Admittedly, I poked the bear. Guy looked to me like he has mommy issues. Looking for "mature" women to abuse. I was not intending to kink-shame. Nothing wrong with safe, sane, consensual degradation play, but his ad wanted "no limit" submission upon first contact, and addressing prospective submissives he uses comically sophomoric derogatory generalized descriptors of women's body parts.

My comment was "Charming, did you run this past your Mother?" since the entire thing reads like a basement manifesto by someone with the emotional development of a 15 year old.

Contrary to my assumptions he is apparently employed as an expert "researcher and lecturer on "abnormal" and "deviant" sexual behaviour for many years at a university level" and, of course, such a man would have both "practical and scientific knowledge of sexual matters."

His condescending missive to me:

Only a Polite and Caring Reply
Dear Yardley,
I thank you for the comment you recently posted in my thread "<Redacted>"
To answer your question, I did not have to run my advertisement by my mother as she gave me the idea and told me what words to use in it as she understands sexuality very well. I was fortunately raised in a family and community with very liberal, healthy attitudes and philosophies to matters of sex and sexuality.
I an not upset, angry or offended in any way by your comment as compared to some abuse I receive from some women in private messages, your comment is really innocent, sweet and rather quaint.
Please let me take the opportunity to point out some facts to you:
Being highly intelligent, learned, cultured and perverted are not mutually exclusive.
I have studied, researched and lectured on "abnormal" and "deviant" sexual behaviour for many years at a university level so, I do have both practical and scientific knowledge of sexual matters. I suggest that you conduct your own scientific research and you may find that women actually are far more into all the perversity of sexuality than men but this fact is not discussed openly or reported in the news media. (The moral fabric of society has to be protected does it not?)
We are on a sex site and thus, you should expect to find all types of people with all different sexual interests and proclivities. One of the main reasons for the existence of this site is to bring like-minded adults together to freely explore their sexual interests without being criticized by other people and without naive moral judgements being made. If I am not interested in the type of sexuality a person offers on this site, I simply ignore it and move on. I respectfully suggest that you very quickly learn to adopt the same attitude or you will remain sexually suppressed and repressed for your entire life and that I would truly find to be very sad and unnecessary. I want every genuine man and woman on this site to achieve the type of sexual satisfaction they seek and to not dogmatically pursue my sexual interests.
Please try to accept that I have no intentions to offend you and your country but people living in the United States of America are very sexually conservative compared to all other similar western style democracies.
It never fails to puzzle and frustrate people living outside the United States as to why violence is so readily accepted as a fundamental part of Unites States culture but two (or more) people engaging in perverted and deviant sexual acts in privacy is seen as somehow being a threat to the foundation of society and its institutions.
The recent horrific incident of nine innocent black people being killed by a hateful white man at a church in Charleston, South Carolina is a significant example of the social contradictions existing in the Unites States.
One of the main reasons these poor people were killed is that this psychologically unbalanced white man had no difficulty in finding and obtaining guns in the USA.
None or very few such violent cases occur in other similar western styles democratic nations. Apart from authoritarian regimes, dictatorships and military juntas, the United States is the most sexually conservative and backward nation in the world. Do not believe me? Just do some thorough research on comparative popular culture and compare films and television (free and all pay-channels). Especially, study the differences between the films exploring sexuality in Europe with Hollywood. For about the last 15 years, several European countries mainly France, Germany, Italy and Scandinavian, have challenged the false depiction of sexuality in Hollywood produced films by important and well-respected directors making films with real sex action not simulated sex. A few examples: check the uncut, uncensored, director-cut, original versions of Baise-Moi, The Dreamers, Blue is the Warmest Colour and Nymphomaniac and you will see what I mean.
Also, the United States is the only so called civilized country without a National Health Scheme to protect all its citizens, in particular the poor and homeless, under some ridiculously uncaring and illogical reason that it would be some kind of communist conspiracy.
There are absurd calls now for school-children in the United States to be allowed to carry guns for their protection. Why not follow the logical extension of that argument and get it over and done with by passing a law which requires all boy children and girl children to be compulsory issued with guns and bombs at birth?
It does not seem to occur to anyone in the United stares that the only solution to repetitive, uncontrollable, insane, mass murder is to remove all the guns from the citizens.
You and the other good people of the United States should challenge the Gun Lobby, the various levels of government, politicians and the arms industry for their perpetual lies, hate campaigns and cultural indecency rather than be concerned for the sexual morals and ethics of people on this site who are not causing any harm.
However, I am also a realist. I confidently predict that all men and women running for the presidency of the United States will support the current gun-laws, will not call for the reduction and control of privately owned guns and will certainly not campaign on the reform of the nation's gun laws protected by the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution let alone repeal them. You all live in a violent culture, you were raised with guns and you will never learn or change. Unfortunately, the United States of American will remain the guns capitol of the western world.
I ask you, what is more dangerous to society, two or more people locked in a private room exploring the depravity of sexuality or a nation in which its citizens are free to own guns and run the ever increasing risk of mad, seriously unbalanced, deprived, highly susceptible, racist, bigoted people carrying out indiscriminate mass killings?
Instead of posting your sarcastic comment that you find the words in my advertisement "charming" and your unthinking insensitive comment about my mother, I strongly recommend that in the future, you keep your uninformed and sexually suppressed comments to yourself. The best rule is to display some maturity by simply ignoring the sexual preferences of other people on this site which may happen to offend your infantile sensibilities. Also, did it not occur to you that by posting comments (positive or negative) in what you consider to be offensive threads, you are only serving the purpose of drawing attention to them?
However, I must also apologise to you as I should take into consideration your naivety, lack of worldly knowledge and lack of experience in being confronted by certain advertisements and posts which presumably offend you. Hopefully, if you remain active on this site, you will eventually learn to be more compassionate and accepting of the sexual interests and activities of other people without passing your solipsistic moral judgement.
I could ask why are you avidly reading such offensive posts but I am too polite to ask that question. However, there is a valid psychologically theory why such protectors of public sexual morality are constantly seeking all matters of pornography and indecency but I will leave it to you to research the theory.
Please for your own sanity and peace of mind, try to be open-minded and accepting of the fundamental right for consenting adults to pursue whatever sexual interests they have as long as they do not cause any harm to others.
Without any hard feelings, I ask you to please accept this message graciously as no malice is intended by it. I hope that you have noticed that I chose to politely reply to you privately and not embarrass you publicly in a thread.
All the best to you and good luck in whatever sexual satisfaction you seek.
<Redacted>

This, from a guy who frets over the arduous task of wading through a tremendous volume of mail from fascinated women. I should be grateful he took time out of his busy schedule to educate me on the preponderance of deviant sexual behavior.


Apparently my problem is living amongst gun-toting, sexually repressed Americans. In his country where women are un-armed it is perfectly normal to make demands for "public exhibitionism without question" upon first making their acquaintance whether the woman is a:

vain narcissistic woman who considers herself to be particularly beautiful with a "perfect" body

or

more likely, a "normal" woman with "average" looks and body size.

Being quite the egalitarian he is also open to:

a woman who proudly and unashamedly describes herself as an ugly fat fuck-pig with enormous low-hanging floppy saggy tits, with meaty rolls on her fat belly, with a huge loose sloppy cunt and with a big fat shitty arse

Like I said, charming.

 

[SpunThings]

Admittedly, I poked the bear. Guy looked to me like he has mommy issues. Looking for "mature" women to abuse. I was not intending to kink-shame. Nothing wrong with safe, sane, consensual degradation play, but his ad wanted "no limit" submission upon first contact, and addressing prospective submissives he uses comically sophomoric derogatory generalized descriptors of women's body parts.

My comment was "Charming, did you run this past your Mother?" since the entire thing reads like a basement manifesto by someone with the emotional development of a 15 year old.

Contrary to my assumptions he is apparently employed as an expert "researcher and lecturer on "abnormal" and "deviant" sexual behaviour for many years at a university level" and, of course, such a man would have both "practical and scientific knowledge of sexual matters."

His condescending missive to me:



This, from a guy who frets over the arduous task of wading through a tremendous volume of mail from fascinated women. I should be grateful he took time out of his busy schedule to educate me on the preponderance of deviant sexual behavior.


Apparently my problem is living amongst gun-toting, sexually repressed Americans. In his country where women are un-armed it is perfectly normal to make demands for "public exhibitionism without question" upon first making their acquaintance whether the woman is a:



or



Being quite the egalitarian he is also open to:



Like I said, charming.

So, to translate for the unintelligent person I could shorten that to..

"I am better than you. You're an idiot, and all Americans are idiots. I'm doing you a favor by saying this."

Wow.

 

[Primalex]

Admittedly, I poked the bear. Guy looked to me like he has mommy issues. Looking for "mature" women to abuse. I was not intending to kink-shame. Nothing wrong with safe, sane, consensual degradation play, but his ad wanted "no limit" submission upon first contact, and addressing prospective submissives he uses comically sophomoric derogatory generalized descriptors of women's body parts.

So what?

His reply is still much more mature than your reaction here and in the thread.