Bard's Review Thread: My $0.02 on your stories

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for The Renaissance Faire by Charles Petersunn (on request by LWulf)

DISCLAIMER: These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

I'll jot down my thoughts as I go through the story:

The first thing I noticed in the story is the disclaimer - Omega Theta Pi was no Delta Nu (see "Five steps to Delta Nu").

If I'm a first time reader of this story, and you're asking me to jump to another story for some reference right in the beginning, I'll hit the back button right away.

Most of the readers skim through a story and the very first para is something that can make or break the image of your story in the eyes of your reader. If this story was in the middle of a chapter, I might've given some thought about starting from the very beginning of the series, but that is not the case.

I feel bored and exasparated. "Bah! I'll have to go through another story....who cares?"

It gives me the feel of a boring history textbook.

Okay, I'll ignore that and move ahead, ignoring the other references.

As I finish the first few paragraphs, I feel really bored out of my mind. For a noncon story, this is going to take a hard hit from me in the beginnings of the story.

The story gains momentum as I read on, which is a good thing, and I feel engaged. By the time I've finished the first Lit page, I'm really enjoying this story.

The author has done a decent job in projecting Shelley as a Miss Goody-two-shoes. The dunking is fun and charges up the story to a much better level than before.

This story is rather focussed on soririty life of girls and written from their viewpoint. I really enjoyed reading the various things (read shenanigans) happening throughout the fair.

It has managed to be fun, teasing and avoided giving a bore to the readers. So far I've enjoyed reading this story.

I have to say something on the part where Stacie gives a blowjob to Proffessor Humblodt.

Blowjobs have never sounded so erotic and sexy, while being innocent at the same time . I generally skim through the BJ parts in a story, but I went through this one and enjoyed reading it very much.

Okay, I've breezed through to the last page of this story, and I laughing my ass off at this line:

"...the crowd momentarily silenced by her sudden exclamation of intense joy, and even rapture, over the spanking.

Many in the crowd, including the Professor, did even wonder if this girl had in fact climaxed because she was being spanked. She had been spanked quite a bit through the day. Perhaps it finally got to her. It did kind of look that way. A number of women certainly felt it looked that way, and they squeezed the hands of their husband or partner, beginning to change their mind about the possibility of being spanked, as that young lady had clearly enjoyed it quite a bit."

Th ending is quite abrupt as compared to the buildup, with the author sparing a measly line for the end of the story.

Now that I've finished the story, I'll try and sum up my thoughts into a few coherent points:

1. The beginnings of this story could be tightened up for an edit, so that the author doesn't lose potential readers (like me, in this case) It gave me the bad vibe of a history textbook.

2. Exhibitionism, as in Shelly's case, was a job well done. In fact, very well done indeed. It brought out the fun part of her predicament, instead of doing something like taking fun in humiliating her. Her being drenched to her very core and herdress coming off was well described and well-done.

3. The story takes it a notch higher in the case of Stacie. Her being kissed and her virgin thinking in these matters is something that I immensely liked. BJs never sounded so good till date.

4. The author turns it up another notch with the spanking game. He did a wise thing by introducing a girl who was more experienced in sexual matters, and thus preventing the story from backfiring badly.

I have to give a good credit to the author for writing such a long scene with her spanking, and that too without making it boring.

5. I really enjoyed the story. It was a far cry from the usual morbid ones that I read in Non-Con.

It was good natured fun and erotic frolicking throughout the story. I even didn't even put up my running review for the last few pages - it was that engrossing!

6. The only downer that I could find with this story was the beginning. It nearly bored me away.

Other than that, I really couldn't point any mistakes that were particularly off putting to me as a reader.

Verdict: As a reader, I totally love the humor in a story. This story was really a great read in terms of plot and erotica.

The beginnings and the endings, in particular, could use a generous amount of makeover. Other than that, a good story.

 

[LWulf]

My Review for The Renaissance Faire by Charles Petersunn (on request by LWulf)

First, let me state my thanks for reviewing this story.

I pretty much felt similar hits and misses regarding the story, though in hindsight I think the authors mentioning of "Delta Nu" at the beginning, which I would quibble is not part of the disclaimer, but it was a creative way of referring to a self-linked story; in-story. In effect, shortening the disclaimer by incorporating part of it into the story.

That the writer wrote a tandem story that was not necessary to understanding this story, yet in a sense was a part of a series of stories, being a poignant point that you didn't, perhaps unknowingly (since you didn't read that referenced story as well), elaborate on.

I feel the same as you regarding blowjobs and the descriptions of them, and yet likewise still felt drawn in by the writer's skill in doing just that.

While I admit I enjoy lengthy stories, I think the writer did some unnecessary exposition getting to the crux of each climax.
...Just now I am thinking "why wasn't this broken into two separate chapters?" It probably would have made more sense if the writer had done this.
Clearly there is "the dunking booth/blowjob," and then the "spank a wench/pillory."
Perhaps this might have made "a good story"; better.

The only other comment I would add to yours is that the last scene of the last page (of the spank a wench/pillory) was a culmination of numerous encounters for Pamela (the ΩΘπ girl in the pillory) which reduced her to the wanton thing that wanted to get fucked (while getting spanked), all the while in front of a crowd, but to their perspective, she orgasmed simply from being spanked.

I felt this was somewhat poorly described, if only the author had simply added "seemingly" it would have been made better as:
"...the crowd momentarily silenced by her sudden exclamation of intense joy, and even rapture, seemingly over the spanking."

I'm not sure how much more you would have liked seen added to the end though. He came, she came, the crowd rejoiced, the town and sorority benefited from the proceeds. What more can be said? XD

 

[Sammael Bard]

I'm not sure how much more you would have liked seen added to the end though. He came, she came, the crowd rejoiced, the town and sorority benefited from the proceeds. What more can be said? XD

No, I didn't mean that he had to add another plot to the ending.

The scene that the author conjures up in the end jumps right outside of the fair, which I felt, was a bit abrupt given how much time and pages we spent going through the happenings in the fair.

 

[LWulf]

No, I didn't mean that he had to add another plot to the ending.

The scene that the author conjures up in the end jumps right outside of the fair, which I felt, was a bit abrupt given how much time and pages we spent going through the happenings in the fair.

hmm.. faire enough.

 

[Noble_Truth]

Would you consider reviewing one of my stories?

Celestial Matters
Celestial Wars
Jonathan Creed
The King's Creed

 

[Sammael Bard]

Would you consider reviewing one of my stories?

Celestial Matters
Celestial Wars
Jonathan Creed
The King's Creed

Well, I've no qualms whatsoever with reviewing your story, but see this (Clickie).

See the name on the absolute top of that list?

I've not reviewed something that's in my favorites, till date. I don't know how this thing might fare, or whether you'll get an honest criticism from me.

I can still give it a shot, if you want, that is.

 

[Noble_Truth]

Ah...

Well, that's flattering. I knew you commented on my stories before, but didn't peep at your favorites.
I've never really gotten a long review of my stories, so I was curious. If you want to do a review, then by all means.

However, if you feel that you'd be biased, than maybe not.

I'd feel guilty asking for a page of praises. Perhaps if there is one you haven't read? Or if you'd like to wait until CW3 drops next week?

NT

 

[Sammael Bard]

Ah...

Well, that's flattering. I knew you commented on my stories before, but didn't peep at your favorites.
I've never really gotten a long review of my stories, so I was curious. If you want to do a review, then by all means.

However, if you feel that you'd be biased, than maybe not.

I'd feel guilty asking for a page of praises. Perhaps if there is one you haven't read? Or if you'd like to wait until CW3 drops next week?

NT

Well, I was a Lien_Geller fan too, but I came across some surprising mistakes that hadn't caught my eye the first time I had read it. It's just that I've never reviewed something from my favorites, till date.

Your review will take time, as I've got a long list ahead of me. I don't find the energy to go through the ardrous process of reviewing these days. It eats up a good 1-2 hours straight and a lot of focus trying not to be an asshole while reviewing someone's story.

I will do your review, and you may discard anything that feels unnecessary or unwanted.

I'm stingy while pelting out praises, but I'll do it wherever it is necessary, otherwise I won't. I can point out your mistakes only, if that's what you want.

I can provide my review for one story or all of your story, but it will take that necessary time.

I do a running review (I write it as I go through your story) or an overall one (after reading your complete story) - your choice. I won't be peeved if you ask me to put up a thorough review of all your stories, but like I said, it'll take time.

By the time I reach your story, I'm sure the CW3 will be out for long and I'll have a new pair of critic goggles.

Still want me to put up a review?

 

[Noble_Truth]

Sure.
It sounds like there is quite a queue though. I'll check back to see how mean you were in half a month or so.
Thanks,
NT

 

[Sammael Bard]

An Update.

I'm currently putting my focus upon a story which I'm planning to submit for the Summer Lovin' Contest 2014. I had to delete almost half of the story and rewrite it again.

Another story of mine, which is being currently edited, will be put up sometimes next month. So a bit of energy is being invested into that part too.

Also (my whinings never seem to end, do they?)

I have a bit of college thingy comin' up in my plate, so this month will be dedicated to it.

My reviews will be put up on hold for the time being, I repeat, for the time being.

I'm really, really sorry for any dissapointments I might have created for you. I'll go through this stuff as soon my personal shit has been cleaned up.

I've been going through my previous reviews, and found some pretty disturbing things I wrote.

I was extremely harsh with my review for soflabbwlvr's Deep Undercover. My public apologies to him for being such an asshole.

Anyways, I thank the gals/guys who thought that my personal opinion was worth their time and those who think my reviews will be worth their time.

Till the next time I get some free time,

Goodbye.

The Soulful Bard.

P.S. Yes, I might hang around in the forums from time to time, never claimed that I'm in exile

 

[Jessie92]

Damn, well that's disappointing!

 

[Howbizarre]

Hey Bard!

I just ran into you when you replied with some helpful advice in the author's hangout.

I would like you to review my story as it seems you are honest and sincerely critical, yet helpful and respectful.

It is 3 pages, about 8000 words, and is in the Sci-fi category.

http://www.literotica.com/s/krites-earthly-fantasy-ch-01

Feel free to slam me if warranted. I can take it and would appreciate both positive and negative feedback.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for A Stringed Instrument Ch. 01 by Bramblethorn

Disclaimer: The same, as always.

Here's the story if anybody else is interested to give it a read:

www.literotica.com/s/a-stringed-instrument

I read about 2 chapters of your story, so I thought I might as well as put up a review that you had requested a few million years ago.

Okay, so here goes:

The first thing that irks my brain is that Note in the beginning.

Word of warning: this is a slow-moving talky introspective story.
Not all the chapters have sex in them. If you like stories where
people are shagging by the fifth paragraph, this isn't going to
meet your needs.

It's okay to let readers know that your story is long winded and slow and romancy and lesbian et cetera et cetera, but you come off as a pretentious douche.

Most people aren't here for long romancy stuff. And even if such people tend to read such stories once in a while, you're simply scaring them away.

Tone it down, if you can.

Alright, on we go.

As a reader, I judge a story by the first few paragraphs. If I don't like it, I move on.

Yours is a bit passive. A doozy start IMO (Even I don't know what that means). Try to make it a bit more engaging so that I feel motivated to read the next paragraph.

It's not bad, per say, but it can be much better.

A trip down her memory lane also doesn't feel right as you haven't given me much time to bond with your character. Establish that before you take the plunge.

Like I said before, it feels passive and more like a history class. This paragraph is nothing but a distraction to me:


"And that was why I was walking three blocks from the train
station to the Churchill house one Friday evening shortly before
Christmas. I'd even put on a nice shirt and dragged out my one
and only skirt (at least it had pockets). Sensible shoes, though."


It really tells me nothing about her sense of style, her tastes etc. if that was what you were trying to convey through this para.

I read a few couple paragraphs and here's what I thought:

You give the readers an idea of what she's doing and seeing and feeling, but I get no impression of the person she is and her personality.

No depth, no Nothing.

A bit more like another story I reviewed, and I couldn't help but come off as an arsehole. I really hate this thing.

And the worse thing I hate is that I can't express myself well enough on this particular flaw. You have the idea, but you can't scream it out coherently enough for the author to understand. The end result is that I'm the bad guy here. [/rant]

And what's that I see?

"W**"?

Uh....it's not really a term that I take lightly, but I think it's something less demeaning in the Aussie culture?

That said, your story picks up the pace from the later parts. I feel engaged and slightly compelled to read to find out what'll happen next. Good job on that front.

I feel that Yvonne wanting to have a romp with Phoebe immediately after having a red haze was...rushed(?)/not described well enough/ not plausible to my brains.

It came off as a random thing.

The romp in the closet itself was hot enough, so I didn't mind it at all afterwards.

A really good job on that erotica part.

Look, I don't think I can tell/criticise much about a story just by reading its first chapter, but these were my honest thoughts for this part.

I liked the story overall and liked the direction in which it seems to be going. A bit of problems here and there but it was really good nonetheless.

Thanks for suggesting it nonetheless.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for Corporate Whore by HeyAll

Here is the Link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read:

www.literotica.com/s/corporate-whore-1

So, here's my thoughts for your story:

The beginnings of your story is good - a decent hook to grab the attention of any passerby. Although the title says a lot about your story, still I feel that you've done more than a decent job there.

That scene between Abbey and Kraus gives me the vibe of a porn movie. Yeah baby, something's about to happen.

Not saying that it was bad. It was good. Just saying what I thought.

Character description is good and you describe the scenes well enough for my mind to conjure. Minimalistic, but it does the work in your story.


I'll summarize my thoughts in a few points:

1. Three lit pages isn't enough for me to cheer about the character development in your story. They were gone as soon as they entered the scene.

So don't ask.

2. There was a load of personality difference between the Abbey that was new to the office and the Abbey who was letting her boss have anal sex with her. Good job on that front, especially in 3 Lit pages.

Although, I felt that her personality change was a bit rushed, you did a decent job there.

3. The story is a short stroker.

Admit it to yourself.

If you're thinking why your story got less ratings, it has something to do with the fact that this is the Anal category.

People here want to read about anal sex in detail, every dirty bit. Your story lacks in that very particular department. The anal sex in the end was not aptly described and you just rushed to the ending.

If I were an anal fan, I wouldn't be amused to find a measly few para dedicated to what I exactly want to read. I'd give you a 4*, or if I'm a harsher critic, I'll give a 3*.

If you're writing in Anal, your main focus should be anal sex, and nothing else, for a good rating.

If you had paid a bit more attention to that last scene, I'm sure it would've gotten a higher rating.

That said, I enjoyed reading your story.

It had a hint of Non-con, spanking and of course, Anal play - all of these which I am partial to in a story.

Despite what others might rate your story, I still gave it a 5* because I enjoyed reading it.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for I Love You Because by _Lynn_

Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: www.literotica.com/s/i-love-you-because

Okay, Lynn, so here are my thoughts for your story. I write them as I read the story, so bear with this douche:

The beginning of your story is brilliant. It has a pace and is extremely engaging. This fish has been hooked right away. Great job!

After I read the first scene ending with him leaving the town, I get the impression that you jump right to the bone. You don't spare time for anything else that's but essential to the plot.

The scene after Lou's death where you jump right to his funeral is what caught my eye.

Did I mind?

Maybe...

But it isn't something upon which I'd like to criticize your story, because it almost a moot point - one that you may or may not consider to be important.

Plus, it's a non-erotic story I'm dealing with, so the perceived flaw that I've mentioned earlier isn't really valid. So that would be another case of me douching about.

Anyhow, back to the story.

I like the pace of your story. I kept on reading and reading until I reached the very last line (and didn't bother to put up a running review ).

I liked the entire premise of your story.

It was a story about a man's Despair, hope and Faith in people and learning to trust again. I liked from where the tale began and ended on a hopeful note.

I really have nothing to criticize your story with. Everything just fits in a perfect way. If I try to critcize it, it'll be called nitpicking.

The only thing that I criticized you for was that fleshing out part, which I don't think will work given the pace of your story.

Overall it was a brilliant read for a Non-Erotic story and if it's in the Hall of Fame, it is rightfully so.

 

[Bramblethorn]

"And that was why I was walking three blocks from the train
station to the Churchill house one Friday evening shortly before
Christmas. I'd even put on a nice shirt and dragged out my one
and only skirt (at least it had pockets). Sensible shoes, though."

It really tells me nothing about her sense of style, her tastes etc. if that was what you were trying to convey through this para.

What I was trying to convey there was that Yvonne's practical-minded and not a fashionable dresser: putting on a nice shirt is a special-occasion sort of thing for her, she only owns one skirt (and insists on pockets), and that she's not going to wear heels even for the office party. But if I didn't succeed in that, then I didn't.

And what's that I see?

"W**"?

Uh....it's not really a term that I take lightly, but I think it's something less demeaning in the Aussie culture?

Yep, sorry about that; when I first posted the story, I wasn't aware that the word had much more offensive baggage in the UK. Another reader pointed this out to me in a later chapter, and I added a note about it there, but I'd forgotten that it was in chapter 1 as well.

In Australia it <i>used</i> to be a racial insult, directed mostly at people of Greek/Italian origins, maybe Lebanese. It got reclaimed about thirty years ago (see e.g. Wogs Out Of Work) and by that stage, the Greek/Italian migrants had been around long enough that racial politics had moved on to other targets.

These days it's a very mild term, mostly used self-referentially.

I feel that Yvonne wanting to have a romp with Phoebe immediately after having a red haze was...rushed(?)/not described well enough/ not plausible to my brains.

It came off as a random thing.

The one was meant to be a consequence of the other: Yvonne was attracted to Phoebe, but it took a mix of alcohol and anger to overwhelm her natural sense of caution about messing with the boss's daughter. Again, if I didn't convey that, then that's my failure.

Thanks for the review!

 

[_Lynn_]

Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: www.literotica.com/s/i-love-you-because

Okay, Lynn, so here are my thoughts for your story. I write them as I read the story, so bear with this douche:

The beginning of your story is brilliant. It has a pace and is extremely engaging. This fish has been hooked right away. Great job!

After I read the first scene ending with him leaving the town, I get the impression that you jump right to the bone. You don't spare time for anything else that's but essential to the plot.

The scene after Lou's death where you jump right to his funeral is what caught my eye.

Did I mind?

Maybe...

But it isn't something upon which I'd like to criticize your story, because it almost a moot point - one that you may or may not consider to be important.

Plus, it's a non-erotic story I'm dealing with, so the perceived flaw that I've mentioned earlier isn't really valid. So that would be another case of me douching about.

Anyhow, back to the story.

I like the pace of your story. I kept on reading and reading until I reached the very last line (and didn't bother to put up a running review ).

I liked the entire premise of your story.

It was a story about a man's Despair, hope and Faith in people and learning to trust again. I liked from where the tale began and ended on a hopeful note.

I really have nothing to criticize your story with. Everything just fits in a perfect way. If I try to critcize it, it'll be called nitpicking.

The only thing that I criticized you for was that fleshing out part, which I don't think will work given the pace of your story.

Overall it was a brilliant read for a Non-Erotic story and if it's in the Hall of Fame, it is rightfully so.

Thanks for the read and review, Bard.

I began writing in Dec. 2006, with the first stories posted in Feb. 2007. I didn't have much experience when I wrote 'I Love You Because', which I posted in July 2009.

The story has flaws, such as fleshing out scenes, as you mentioned. Yet it works and has from day one.

 

[HeyAll]

Thanks for the review SoulfulBard.

Your time is appreciated.

Interesting thoughts on the matter.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Reply

What I was trying to convey there was that Yvonne's practical-minded and not a fashionable dresser: putting on a nice shirt is a special-occasion sort of thing for her, she only owns one skirt (and insists on pockets), and that she's not going to wear heels even for the office party. But if I didn't succeed in that, then I didn't.



Yep, sorry about that; when I first posted the story, I wasn't aware that the word had much more offensive baggage in the UK. Another reader pointed this out to me in a later chapter, and I added a note about it there, but I'd forgotten that it was in chapter 1 as well.

In Australia it <i>used</i> to be a racial insult, directed mostly at people of Greek/Italian origins, maybe Lebanese. It got reclaimed about thirty years ago (see e.g. Wogs Out Of Work) and by that stage, the Greek/Italian migrants had been around long enough that racial politics had moved on to other targets.

These days it's a very mild term, mostly used self-referentially.



The one was meant to be a consequence of the other: Yvonne was attracted to Phoebe, but it took a mix of alcohol and anger to overwhelm her natural sense of caution about messing with the boss's daughter. Again, if I didn't convey that, then that's my failure.

Thanks for the review!

Your story has been a great read till now (Yeah, I'm reading it after the first chapter).

Those are really minor flaws (if at all) in the eyes of the general readership, so don't sweat about it. It was a great story.

Thanks for the read and review, Bard.

I began writing in Dec. 2006, with the first stories posted in Feb. 2007. I didn't have much experience when I wrote 'I Love You Because', which I posted in July 2009.

The story has flaws, such as fleshing out scenes, as you mentioned. Yet it works and has from day one.

I'm glad you found it worthwhile.

It was a great read, and I don't think fleshing out is that big a flaw in your story. It worked despite it.

Thanks for the review SoulfulBard.

Your time is appreciated.

Interesting thoughts on the matter.

You're welcome.




To Jessie92:

I don't know if you're reading this or not, but I intentionally skipped your story to review Lynn's story because your request spanned more than just a few Lit pages. I'll definitely your story after Lynn's Maggie's Gift.

I hope you don't take it otherwise.




I'm on a reviewing spree right now, and I hope to review all the requests that has been piled up till date in the next few days.

Anyways, I'll call it a day and start with Lynn's "Maggie's Gift" tomorrow and then Jessie's story requests.

 

[redzinger]

Mr TSB,

I was wondering if you could have a little glance at the following for me please?

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-wheelie-good-time

(EC, 2 pages, UK English)

I feel it's not as strong as some of my other work so am considering a rewrite. I've also had some interesting comments and would be interested if yours concurred. There's a faint possibility of a sequel too. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Regards,
Me

EDIT: I know it's not on the popular list but I'm curious anyway.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Mr TSB,

I was wondering if you could have a little glance at the following for me please?

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-wheelie-good-time

(EC, 2 pages, UK English)

I feel it's not as strong as some of my other work so am considering a rewrite. I've also had some interesting comments and would be interested if yours concurred. There's a faint possibility of a sequel too. Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Regards,
Me

EDIT: I know it's not on the popular list but I'm curious anyway.

Sure, no problem.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for Maggie's Gift by _Lynn_

Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: www.literotica.com/s/maggies-gift

Okay, so here are my thoughts for your story:


Other than dollops of praises for this story, I've got nothing to say. Character development, plot and a heartwarming story - all in just a span of 2 Lit pages.

I like the way you manage to express yourself in just a few, precise words. Scenes are aptly described and each one was written with a purpose. The story didn't lag anywhere that I can think of, maybe a bit of the conversation in the middle, but otherwise it was very consistent.

I was surprised to find that I had a good mental imagery of Maggie, Steve and Nick from all those 2 pages. I feel as if I know almost everything about them, that I need to know.

A really good job - be it on the writing front, story telling, plot or character development - you did it all in just 2 Lit pages.

I guess I won't be able to belt out any more "I can't express much in 2 Lit pages" excuses to any story of mine with low ratings.

 

[_Lynn_]

Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: www.literotica.com/s/maggies-gift

Okay, so here are my thoughts for your story:


Other than dollops of praises for this story, I've got nothing to say. Character development, plot and a heartwarming story - all in just a span of 2 Lit pages.

I like the way you manage to express yourself in just a few, precise words. Scenes are aptly described and each one was written with a purpose. The story didn't lag anywhere that I can think of, maybe a bit of the conversation in the middle, but otherwise it was very consistent.

I was surprised to find that I had a good mental imagery of Maggie, Steve and Nick from all those 2 pages. I feel as if I know almost everything about them, that I need to know.

A really good job - be it on the writing front, story telling, plot or character development - you did it all in just 2 Lit pages.

I guess I won't be able to belt out any more "I can't express much in 2 Lit pages" excuses to any story of mine with low ratings.

'Maggie's Gift' was a part of my 2009 NaNo challenge. The inspiration came from an image of a cabin and a blizzard. When I began typing, I had no idea what would happen, who the characters would be, or how I would use that image. Each sentence gave me inspiration for the next one, though, until I had the piece you read.

I entered the story into the winter holiday contest as written, without an edit (I wrote Maggie's Gift in one day). Because of the genre, I didn't expect it to do well. Winning the contest was a total surprise.

Thanks for the review and the kind words.

 

[Sammael Bard]

My Review for The Descending of Jessica by Jessie92

So here are my thoughts for The Descending of Jessica by Jessie92. Here’s the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: http://www.literotica.com/s/the-descending-of-jessica


Alright, here we go:

The first thing I noticed was the opening of your story. It’s basically:

“I’m this, this and this and here’s my bust measurement.”

Now, there has been a long, never ending debate on this topic. Among the authors who support this style of description and the remaining others who hate it, I’m somewhere in between, leaning a bit more towards the haters part. This is personal opinion, but an opinion that almost everyone is bound to have.

As a casual reader, if I happen to open this page, I might as well as not take this story seriously and most probably hit the back button.

Again, this is my PO.

That said, your story has a pace that I liked. The protagonist’s backstory is engaging and I’m compelled to read more. I liked the sense of humor permeating here and there, which is nothing but a big plus point in my opinion.

A great job on that front.

Okay, hold your stations! Look at this line:

“Later I would also be thankful as my hips expanded to the more womanly shape I mentioned above…”

That felt like history book, although a sleazy one, but a history book nonetheless. Drop that bloody “…I mentioned above…”. It kinda put a stop to the reading pleasure I had until now. Even though if it’s a memoir, I think you shouldn’t add lines that pull the reader out of the story.

Okay, your story has been a smooth reading until the conversation that Jessica has with her temporary mother (for the lack of a better term)/ Allison, when she’s shopping for the prom dress.

Conversations and emotions should feel natural, something that feels ‘just right’ when a character says/does it. Yours feels forced upon, and a teeny-weeny bit faked.

This part needs to be worked upon.

I felt a bit of contradiction in the way you portray Jessica. She’s saying “Shit! Fuck!” in one place, and then too shy even to say “Ejaculation” to Danny.

Being brought up in a Foster Home, I can understand the cuss words that she emits occasionally, but that later part wasn’t written well enough for my brain to take hold on it.

Now that I’ve finished reading the story along with the Erotica part (which was well written, BTW), I’ll revert back to a question that you asked, wondering why your story didn’t get higher rating like your other parts.

This is the First Time Category.

A majority of readers are going to expect loss of virginity, a part of someone’s innocence lost to someone else and some definite romantic lovin’ thrown in between.

Now, look back at your story.

There hint of Non-consent, Incest (although it’s far, far away from the hardcore ones, people are still icked at the thought of having sexual relationship with someone who’s part of the family) and all I get for the sex is finger fucks and a forced blowjob.

As a general reader, I’ll be disappointed and give you a 4* or a 3*.

But I’m not a general reader. I’m me.

So Chin up, and face the readers with an open smile. The General Readers out here have a preference. Go along that line, and you’ll end up in the Hall of Fames. But if you have to alter your style to accommodate it, I suggest that you write what YOU, the author, want to write.

You are writing for yourself, not for these puny ratings.

It was a nice read, nonetheless, and I never felt bored. I’m sorry that I took this much time to put up a review, but I have to personal life to take care of.

Thank you for your patience.

Regards,

Bard.

 

[jezzaz]

Jesus H. Christ!

I don't want you anywhere near my shit.

I have a hard enough time letting my crap out of the world, for it to be ripped apart like this

I don't think my ego - which is fragile enough as it is - could take it

</tongue from cheek>