BDSM and children

[Marquis]

My sons were teenagers before I discovered BDSM, the weirdest conversation I can ever recall was the day my eighteen yr old made me sit on my bed as he said 'Now Mum, I know your a submissive....'

Dying to know how the rest of that conversation went.

 

[TheDivineMsM]

You know i figured my son wouldnt bat an eye about me buying rope...In the Home Depot when he was five...OH boy was i wrong..
Mom why are you buying rope?
Cause i have a friend who needs it.
Who?
Someone you dont know.
Why do they need rope?
Cause they have a boat and need rope (was all i could think of at the time...LOL)
What kind of boat mom?
OMG he has a boat and needs rope! Can you give me a minute? I have to do math and i cant think with you asking me these questions...Ooohhh....Look at the rope over there (it was blue and his fav color at the time).

That was the LAST time i thought something simple and ordinary wouldnt cause me a Mommy meltdown...LOL...Though i will never forgive his father for buying me a cheap ass Bullwhip from south of the border for me (I think our son was umm 7 or 8 at the time?)...Asshat! I was mortified, and you know it was cheap so i was offended as well! Needless to say both the whip and the man are gone!
Bag of toys in locked in my trunk in a nondiscript bag....
No SO so playtime is always away from home...
Interesting thread though...Looking forward to the other responses!

 

[His_pita]

I came into my D/s relationship with a 14 year old in tow. She was told the basics of what D/s is and she has seen the toys. We don't hide things, nor do we flaunt it in her face. We live in an apartment so sounds carry be it impact play or just vanilla moaning. She has commented without being upset and we have apologised without giving the impression that what we do is wrong. We do save the heavy kinky stuff for times when she isn't home.

 

[ownedsubgal]

well, our lifestyle is not hidden from my Master's son (who lives with us 90% of the time), but it has not been explained to him in explicit detail either. i am not referring to sexual activities, naturally those things are kept private. however being that we are 24/7 M/s, it's inevitable that as he got older he would pick up on the fact that his household functioned a bit differently than most.

He knows that in his household, there is only one authority figure and disiciplinarian...his dad. He knows that i have rules and guidelines to follow, that i do not have the freedom to do whatever i want, and that there are consequences when i slip up (precisely what these consequences are, he does not know in detail, but he is aware that they may sometimes be physical). He does not view me as a parental figure, but he understands that he is not my Boss either...he went through that phase for a bit, emulating the way his Dad treated me (ordering me to do things for him and whatnot), but Daddy put an end to that fairly quickly. now he views me as more of a big sister, someone he can play with on his own level at times, and go to for advice at other times. we did sit down with him fairly recently and explain the basics of our lifestyle, as he started asking more and more questions about why other kids' parents weren't like us. because he (the 12 y.o.) is religiously inclined, Daddy showed him some passages from the bible that deal with Men being the head of their households and "wives" being in submission to them. He was encouraged to ask questions about any areas of confusion. he accepted this explaination surprisingly well, and every once in a while he'll come to either me or his Dad and ask about something in particular, and we always answer honestly, but in an age-appropriate way.

 

[shy slave]

Dying to know how the rest of that conversation went.

LOL

I tried to look as if I didn't know what he was talking about.
I failed.

Turns out when he had been fixing my computer he had been here and read my posts, he had down some research on submissives and slaves. He then, newly 18, decided to talk to me.

he wanted to know if I knew about double bluff safe calls, what safe guards I had in place for meeting Andante and if I needed condoms, if I did, he would buy them for me.

When I said I did not need them I got told all about STD's.

In light of everything, that conversation was weird, awkward and surreal; but a wonderful memory of a young man who really felt a responsibility for me, without censure about who I was.


Not a childs role with a parent, maybe that is a point, but it should the level of trust and love we had for each other.

 

[ShyGuy68]

he wanted to know if I knew about double bluff safe calls, what safe guards I had in place for meeting Andante and if I needed condoms, if I did, he would buy them for me.

When I said I did not need them I got told all about STD's.

That's just to funny!!! lol

 

[intothewoods]

LOL

I tried to look as if I didn't know what he was talking about.
I failed.

Turns out when he had been fixing my computer he had been here and read my posts, he had down some research on submissives and slaves. He then, newly 18, decided to talk to me.

he wanted to know if I knew about double bluff safe calls, what safe guards I had in place for meeting Andante and if I needed condoms, if I did, he would buy them for me.

When I said I did not need them I got told all about STD's.

In light of everything, that conversation was weird, awkward and surreal; but a wonderful memory of a young man who really felt a responsibility for me, without censure about who I was.


Not a childs role with a parent, maybe that is a point, but it should the level of trust and love we had for each other.

Well, he was 18. Sounds like all in all, it went pretty well.

 

[Puman]

LOL

I tried to look as if I didn't know what he was talking about.
I failed.

Turns out when he had been fixing my computer he had been here and read my posts, he had down some research on submissives and slaves. He then, newly 18, decided to talk to me.

he wanted to know if I knew about double bluff safe calls, what safe guards I had in place for meeting Andante and if I needed condoms, if I did, he would buy them for me.

When I said I did not need them I got told all about STD's.

In light of everything, that conversation was weird, awkward and surreal; but a wonderful memory of a young man who really felt a responsibility for me, without censure about who I was.


Not a childs role with a parent, maybe that is a point, but it should the level of trust and love we had for each other.

I really wish I had discovered my parents' kink when I was a lot younger so that I could have been as open with them about it as what your son is with you (I think it's great).
I was already married and had only recently discovered that I had a kinky side when I was helping them rearrange their house and found the straps under the bed and discovered "the box" in their cupboard!

 

[callinectes]

and we always answer honestly, but in an age-appropriate way.

That, IMNSHO, is the ideal way to handle these situations and what I strive to do.

Daddy and I do not live together and he never spends the night at my house, even if my daughter is at her Dad's. We made this decision to protect her from gossipy neighbors and their equally gossipy kids. He sometimes comes over at night after she has gone to sleep but we keep it very low key.

I know I have seen posts in the past in which people said they had set up spare rooms in their homes complete with BDSM furniture, hooks in the ceiling and toys laid out on shelves. To me, that seems extreme when there are children still in the home. Being honest is one thing, TMI is entirely different.

 

[Marquis]

LOL

I tried to look as if I didn't know what he was talking about.
I failed.

Turns out when he had been fixing my computer he had been here and read my posts, he had down some research on submissives and slaves. He then, newly 18, decided to talk to me.

he wanted to know if I knew about double bluff safe calls, what safe guards I had in place for meeting Andante and if I needed condoms, if I did, he would buy them for me.

When I said I did not need them I got told all about STD's.

In light of everything, that conversation was weird, awkward and surreal; but a wonderful memory of a young man who really felt a responsibility for me, without censure about who I was.


Not a childs role with a parent, maybe that is a point, but it should the level of trust and love we had for each other.

Ha ha, that's too funny.

 

[Life_Noir]

That, IMNSHO, is the ideal way to handle these situations and what I strive to do.

Daddy and I do not live together and he never spends the night at my house, even if my daughter is at her Dad's. We made this decision to protect her from gossipy neighbors and their equally gossipy kids. He sometimes comes over at night after she has gone to sleep but we keep it very low key.

I know I have seen posts in the past in which people said they had set up spare rooms in their homes complete with BDSM furniture, hooks in the ceiling and toys laid out on shelves. To me, that seems extreme when there are children still in the home. Being honest is one thing, TMI is entirely different.

During the time when the Ex and I were married, any physical manifestation of BDSM was confined to one room. Or out only when the kids were at granny's.
Attitude and interaction however, were kept "low key" for the simple reason that they were young enough that I felt that particular conversation was innapropriate...
Toys, as well as anything else that the girls should not have had access to, were kept in that room. Which was kept locked.. And, the ex being a medicated severe bipolar, I had the only key to that room.

*shrug* Perhaps not the best way to do things...But given the situation, the best I could come up with.

 

[callinectes]

During the time when the Ex and I were married, any physical manifestation of BDSM was confined to one room. Or out only when the kids were at granny's.
Attitude and interaction however, were kept "low key" for the simple reason that they were young enough that I felt that particular conversation was innapropriate...
Toys, as well as anything else that the girls should not have had access to, were kept in that room. Which was kept locked.. And, the ex being a medicated severe bipolar, I had the only key to that room.

*shrug* Perhaps not the best way to do things...But given the situation, the best I could come up with.

A locked room is a far cry from what I am talking about. I've read about people who had multi-purpose dungeons/family computer rooms with the kids having access.

 

[Life_Noir]

A locked room is a far cry from what I am talking about. I've read about people who had multi-purpose dungeons/family computer rooms with the kids having access.

Ahh Now that I must consider unacceptable.... It smacks a bit too much of someone addicted to the webcam too....

Hmmm Can you imagine the reaction of your basic issue DSS worker if they saw that?

 

[intothewoods]

In general, I plan on answering any questions my child may have about sex in an age-appropriate way, and also presenting a healthy view on sex. I do not plan on sharing any information about my personal choices or desires in that arena. If I were ever in a 24/7 M/s relationship, and I don't know that I ever will be, I feel strongly that I would not share that dynamic with my child. While I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I don't think it's something I want presented as the norm, as a starting point.

A friend of mine made the distinction for me between privacy and secrecy, in another context. I think it applies nicely in the area of sexual preference as well. I wouldn't want to behave as though sex is shameful, but I believe in strong boundaries in this area. What parents do in the bedroom is private. Period. End of story.

 

[ownedsubgal]

That, IMNSHO, is the ideal way to handle these situations and what I strive to do.

Daddy and I do not live together and he never spends the night at my house, even if my daughter is at her Dad's. We made this decision to protect her from gossipy neighbors and their equally gossipy kids. He sometimes comes over at night after she has gone to sleep but we keep it very low key.

I know I have seen posts in the past in which people said they had set up spare rooms in their homes complete with BDSM furniture, hooks in the ceiling and toys laid out on shelves. To me, that seems extreme when there are children still in the home. Being honest is one thing, TMI is entirely different.

i think often in these discussions, the major focus is on sex and/or bdsm, which is not what this lifestyle is all about for many of us. obviously you don't discuss your sex life with your underaged kids...duh. that goes without saying. however the unique day to day aspects of a D/s or M/s dynamic are something else altogether, and something anyone with children really needs to think about and develop a game plan for. there are many things in the way my Master and i interact with one another that could not pass as a "normal" or vanilla relationship. we do not act like equals...he always talks "down" to me, i always defer to him, etc. in fact, i do not even think his son recognizes me as his Father's mate, but more so his daughter/housemaid/bedwarmer lol.

 

[intothewoods]

i think often in these discussions, the major focus is on sex and/or bdsm, which is not what this lifestyle is all about for many of us. obviously you don't discuss your sex life with your underaged kids...duh. that goes without saying. however the unique day to day aspects of a D/s or M/s dynamic are something else altogether, and something anyone with children really needs to think about and develop a game plan for. there are many things in the way my Master and i interact with one another that could not pass as a "normal" or vanilla relationship. we do not act like equals...he always talks "down" to me, i always defer to him, etc. in fact, i do not even think his son recognizes me as his Father's mate, but more so his daughter/housemaid/bedwarmer lol.

How does his father (and/or you) talk to him about that?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Not a childs role with a parent, maybe that is a point, but it should the level of trust and love we had for each other.

But as a child grows into adulthood, it is nice to be able to talk with them and to be honest and real.

I told my daughter that I never wanted to be one of those parents who was on a pedestal of perfect parenthood.

The fall from perfection is a long one. Parents are real people with real lives, and the sooner they can deal with that the better it is for all.

 

[FurryFury]

But as a child grows into adulthood, it is nice to be able to talk with them and to be honest and real.

I told my daughter that I never wanted to be one of those parents who was on a pedestal of perfect parenthood.

The fall from perfection is a long one. Parents are real people with real lives, and the sooner they can deal with that the better it is for all.

I agree with you.

 

[Netzach]

A locked room is a far cry from what I am talking about. I've read about people who had multi-purpose dungeons/family computer rooms with the kids having access.

Because someone's got to be a news article or a darwin award....

 

[ownedsubgal]

How does his father (and/or you) talk to him about that?

as far as that goes, no talk was necessary. he's lived in a M/s household since he was an infant...first with his Father's former slave, now with me. so the M/s dynamic feels normal and natural to him. the confusion didn't really begin until he got older and started paying more attention to the way other households operate.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I acknowledge that it is ultimately a personal decision, but I would like to get some thoughts from the more experienced D/s community.

How can children fit into a BDSM relationship?
For those of you who have children, how do you handle them with respect to your lifestyle?

any comments or thoughts on the topic are welcomed.

thanks in advance

I've been trying to find an old post I made on this very subject a LONG time ago since this thread went up and I finally found it. Nothing about what I said back then has changed so in the interest of saving my fingers (I have arthritis now) I'm going to be lazy and quote myself then link you to that old thread. Lots of other really good posts there too.

Great question Ruby!

What my children are exposed to is a Dad and Mom that love and respect each other, who also love and respect them. I don't do anything differently today, than I did before entering into the lifestyle. I've always sought His guidance on all decisions big and small. I've always treated him with respect and expected them to do the same for both of us. I've always taken care of their needs as well as my husband's needs before my own. I've always taught my daughter to be independent, yet respect others. I don't have near the difficulties with my children that I've seen other parents have with theirs....not saying mine are perfect little angels because that would be a lie. However, major things like troubles with the law and such, I don't have with mine as we require knowing things about their lives.

Yes I'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but I'm also still a mother and wife. What happens in our bedroom behind closed and locked doors is of no concern to my children. I don't feel that I'm in any way, shape or form teaching them this lifestyle.

For example, (and I'll keep it short I promise) the other night at the dinner table my 4 year old decided to say to me "Mom, get me a drink NOW!" To which my husband spoke to him say, "We don't talk to Mommy that way." My husband will not make demands on me in front of the kids, he requests in a respectful manner, more of a "Dear would you mind...." type of thing.

I hope this is what you were looking for. This is how it works in my house.

~smiles~
dixi

edited to add Willow I agree totally, and you beat me to it again...lol

Now here's the link as promised... TPE and Parenting

 

[EmpressFi]

Thanks for this topic. My husband and I cant have children, well not without help and now that I have Master, I've been wondering how I would bring a child into the relationship.. how would we explain who Uncle "master" is (no, I wouldnt call him that..but I dont want to use his real name)... or would it just be natural for him to be around since he'd be there from birth... it's something we've just started to talk about, but the posts here have opened my eyes to a few things

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

I would like to say thank you also. Master & I will be getting married at some point in the future and plan on having a child or two. This is a subject I've been wondering how I would handle when it got to that point. This has been quite the fascinating read. Please, do continue.

 

[LunarKitten]

1) Personal observation for our family, the sound of my being spanked puts our 11 month old to sleep - guess the sounds in the womb thing is true lol

2) Be prepared for your teenager to occassionally call "red" when you are discussing something that embarrasses her - even though she doesn't really know the context of the usage, she knows it means to stop lol

3) Be prepared to have to stop any play you are currently engaged in, because the baby decides she is jealous one of you is getting more attention than she is when she wakes up from her nap in the middle of your play session

4) Be prepared to just be too dagum tired to play some nights

5) Be prepared to look over in the playpen your 11 month old is in and see her spanking the stuffed bear

6) Be prepared for you baby to want to play with your collar - roughly!

7) Be prepared for strange looks when people notice your baby is wearing a cat collar - to keep her from playing with yours *looks innocent*

8) Be prepared for your PYL to look at you askew when you remind them scat and water play is a hard limit, when they hand you the baby to be changed lol ( and then have to change the dirty nappy anyway)

9) Be prepared for the baby's favorite teething item to be your leather paddle

and

10) Be prepared for your teenager to find something to do to where she will slam the door to let you know she is still awake in the house and the sound of your being spanked - even in jest - totally grosses her out

 

[intothewoods]

Please tell me you aren't being serious. Is it just the late hour?