BDSM and children

[LunarKitten]

Please tell me you aren't being serious. Is it just the late hour?

Just trying to do a funny top 10.

 

[intothewoods]

Just trying to do a funny top 10.

Oh sweet Jesus, thank you. Sorry, today is one of those days when I'm taking life wayyyy too seriously. Don't mind me!

 

[LunarKitten]

Oh sweet Jesus, thank you. Sorry, today is one of those days when I'm taking life wayyyy too seriously. Don't mind me!

LOL That's ok. Though I will admit the baby does like to roughly tug on my collar - thank goodness it's well made and hasn't broken yet lol And some days I AM just too tired to play after the kids have gone to sleep

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

Lunar, it still made me laugh. Thank you for the laughter. It's sadly lacking in my life right now.

 

[coyotepondering]

LOL That's ok. Though I will admit the baby does like to roughly tug on my collar - thank goodness it's well made and hasn't broken yet lol And some days I AM just too tired to play after the kids have gone to sleep

There are some others in there that aren't quite in jest too. You know, the teenager can be at the other end of the house with the TV on and totally oblivious to you yelling your head off at them to do something so you figure, hey, its safe for a discreet spanking right? Wrong. Doors slam and feet stomp to let you know she hears it although its at about 1/20th the volume of aforementioned yellings at them.

I also find the "intervention" amusing. Baby is sleeping. You start cuddling and kissing your slave, having a little personal moment. Suddenly baby wakes up and pushes her way between the two of you and looks quite clearly at you saying with her eyes - "You're mine, stop it." Yes, baby girls can be jealous of their mommies. To be fair though sometimes its the other way around. The real consistency is that she is supposed to be the center of attention.

So, how do we fit in our Master / slave relationship into all this? When we can, as fate permits in terms of physical play. In other little ways emotionally all the time. For us it often manifests romantically prompting great quotes from the teenager such as "I think I just threw up a little in my mouth" in response to our being affectionate one day. It brings me perverse joy to torture someone with my happiness.

 

[graceanne]

10) Be prepared for your teenager to find something to do to where she will slam the door to let you know she is still awake in the house and the sound of your being spanked - even in jest - totally grosses her out

LOL These were all funny, but this reminds me of a story a friend told me. She and her husband told their 15 year old that they didn't care what time he went to bed, but they wanted him in his room with the door shut by 10. Her son started to give her a whole bunch of crap about it and she was trying to be diplomatic when her husband finally answered their son's 'why'.

"Cause we aren't getting any!"

My friends son YELLED and covered his years and screamed 'AAAAAAAAH, MY BRAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'

On the other hand they didn't have trouble with him leaving his room after 10 pm.

 

[Mamid]

When each of my children turn 13 (or get their period/start to masturbate, whichever comes first) we will be having the "talk" with them, including the "some people have problems having sex "normal"* so they have to use an item to get them aroused" for fetishes and the "safe, sane, consentual (or mommy kicks your ass)" and finally, the bdsm talk which will include bd, ds and sm as well as the "its okay to be gay" talk.

 

[neonflux]

When each of my children turn 13 (or get their period/start to masturbate, whichever comes first) we will be having the "talk" with them, including the "some people have problems having sex "normal"* so they have to use an item to get them aroused" for fetishes and the "safe, sane, consentual (or mommy kicks your ass)" and finally, the bdsm talk which will include bd, ds and sm as well as the "its okay to be gay" talk.

Mamid, your kids are so lucky that you are open with them! (Especially the "it's OK to be gay" talk ) Just one question - hope it doesn't seem presumptuous. Why use terms like "normal" and "problems?" Neon

 

[Mamid]

Mamid, your kids are so lucky that you are open with them! (Especially the "it's OK to be gay" talk ) Just one question - hope it doesn't seem presumptuous. Why use terms like "normal" and "problems?" Neon

a: we live in a bible belt and have been warned about what the "sex ed" in school is going to say to the kids. Unless it is the missionary position done between a husband and wife, it is all evil. Abstinance is a must. Sex toys are evil. Blah blah blah.

b: that's exactly what one fetishist said to me about his vinyl fetish with sex. He had a "problem" with "normal" sex. Sure, we could fuck all we wanted, but he couldn't cum, but if I put on something vinyl, he was suddenly able to multi and his sexual enjoyment skyrocketted. The problem is that they don't get any enjoyment unless their fetish is somehow involved in the sexual act. This doesn't mean that its a bad thing either and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

With the girls, I plan on also having the "yes, rape fantasies is normal, that does not mean you want to be raped no matter what father o'reilley says..."

None of them have asked yet about sex. Although DS trying to collar me when he was 3 was a little weird, yet cute at the same time. The collar went away for a month. My show collar has been damaged and needs repair. Until then, it too has been put away. Son has been a bit too... interested in the rope we have around the house. He has ways of finding our hiding holes too which really worries me. He found my condom stash and destroyed it. Now, if he had used them for water balloons, I might have been more lenient. Since it was a few days before I found the pieces, he got off without even a warning.

Instead of doing things in front of the kids even jockingly has been pretty much kaiboshed, we still play just out of sight and stop when the kids come close enough to see us.

 

[neonflux]

a: we live in a bible belt and have been warned about what the "sex ed" in school is going to say to the kids. Unless it is the missionary position done between a husband and wife, it is all evil. Abstinance is a must. Sex toys are evil. Blah blah blah.

b: that's exactly what one fetishist said to me about his vinyl fetish with sex. He had a "problem" with "normal" sex. Sure, we could fuck all we wanted, but he couldn't cum, but if I put on something vinyl, he was suddenly able to multi and his sexual enjoyment skyrocketted. The problem is that they don't get any enjoyment unless their fetish is somehow involved in the sexual act. This doesn't mean that its a bad thing either and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

With the girls, I plan on also having the "yes, rape fantasies is normal, that does not mean you want to be raped no matter what father o'reilley says..."

None of them have asked yet about sex. Although DS trying to collar me when he was 3 was a little weird, yet cute at the same time. The collar went away for a month. My show collar has been damaged and needs repair. Until then, it too has been put away. Son has been a bit too... interested in the rope we have around the house. He has ways of finding our hiding holes too which really worries me. He found my condom stash and destroyed it. Now, if he had used them for water balloons, I might have been more lenient. Since it was a few days before I found the pieces, he got off without even a warning.

Instead of doing things in front of the kids even jockingly has been pretty much kaiboshed, we still play just out of sight and stop when the kids come close enough to see us.

I was born and raised in the Bible Belt - Texas. Believe me, I understand! Our middle school librarian had to cut out the nudes in art books before putting them out on the shelves and they published special dictionaries just for our state schools that had no sexual references whatsoever.

Just wondering if "problem" and "normal" used at home also won't reinforce the stigma about sex they get at school? Why not, instead, use something like, "some people need extra sensation or feeling to really enjoy sex, sensations that they can get by using special toys... Sorry, don't mean to butt in, just wondering a little. Neon

 

[Mamid]

That's why there are "" around "normal." Besides, I have a few more years to get my speech ready...

 

[neonflux]

That's why there are "" around "normal." Besides, I have a few more years to get my speech ready...

I wish you the very best! I think it's great that you plan to talk to them and are figuring out what to say now. Neon

 

[coyotepondering]

That's why there are "" around "normal." Besides, I have a few more years to get my speech ready...

I don't think there's anything wrong with referring to something as "normal" sex. The fact is fetishes are an expression of deviancy and I'm using the term here statistically. Tragically I think the psych definition includes unwanted baggage (though not sure). There is a baseline of normal behavior and things that vary from it, avoiding admitting that is just confusing and its important to be honest. To me the important thing is making the child understand that there is nothing wrong with deviancy so long as people aren't being hurt and all that.

And yes, I've had parts of this speech with my teenager. Its an ongoing process. Trust me, you don't want to lay it all on them at once but I'm honest and deal with things as they come up. And it can be hard. For the life of me I don't know how we've raised such a prudish child. Us!

Besides, for some folks their deviancy is cherished precisely because it is odd or deviant. I always get a chuckle at people who stress wanting to get BDSM into the mainstream. Many would not be happy with that, myself included. I don't want to be at a play part surrounded by normal people!



And I want my child to understand its OK to not be normal whether we're talking about sex, relationships or life in general. I try to teach her that she should be honest with herself and happy. This is happening more and more now that the hormones are kicking in. She's trying desperately to pretend she hasn't discovered boys while its painfully obvious she has - at least in the shyly looking at them and crushes stage of things.

Don't even get me started on the gay and bisexual topics. Between the messed up corporate media that she is addicted to (I hates Disney), growing up in the bible belt, and her confused peers (who must know more than her stupid parents) I feel like I'm the old king trying to beat back with the waves with a sword.

 

[Life_Noir]

Ahhhhh Teenagers.....

Yup, sarcasm, pointed noises, etc etc etc...

Just remember what a friend of mine said to her teenager...It works rather well..

" We aren't dead, we aren't even that old, we love each other, and we still like to have fun."
And when, at this point, she was treated to long rambling teen angst exhibition...She interrupted with....
"And keep in mind, sooner or later you're going to want a car. or need money to do something you want, or just WANT something... And what are the odds that I'm going to have forgotten you acting like an asshole about this by then. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?????? Pretty slim if it keeps up.".

 

[graceanne]

When we moved into this house my daughter kept bugging me about why we get a lock on our doors and she doesn't. (She's 9 ) Anyway, I finally got sick of it, and told her the truth.

Me: "We have a lock cause I don't want to have to worry about you all walking in on me and daddy when we have sex."

Her: "Eeeewwww! You guys still DO THAT?"

Me: "A, we discussed this when you were six . . ."

Her: "But your tubes are tied, why do you still DO THAT?"

Me: "Cause it's fun?"

Her: "EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" *runs from room*

Me: *laughing my ass off*

 

[FurryFury]

I never acted like that about my 'rents or grandparents having sex.

My son acts like that sometimes now. Other times he's like I know what you were doing, critiquing the sound or time it took and such.

*chuckles*

 

[graceanne]

My parents divorced when I was 5. They both remarried and had more children - I never had any problem with them having sex with their new partners, but the thought of them having sex together? EWEWEWEW!

 

[FurryFury]

My parents divorced when I was 5. They both remarried and had more children - I never had any problem with them having sex with their new partners, but the thought of them having sex together? EWEWEWEW!

I just was wishing their bed didn't squeak!

 

[neonflux]

I don't think there's anything wrong with referring to something as "normal" sex. The fact is fetishes are an expression of deviancy and I'm using the term here statistically. Tragically I think the psych definition includes unwanted baggage (though not sure). There is a baseline of normal behavior and things that vary from it, avoiding admitting that is just confusing and its important to be honest. To me the important thing is making the child understand that there is nothing wrong with deviancy so long as people aren't being hurt and all that.

And yes, I've had parts of this speech with my teenager. Its an ongoing process. Trust me, you don't want to lay it all on them at once but I'm honest and deal with things as they come up. And it can be hard. For the life of me I don't know how we've raised such a prudish child. Us!

Besides, for some folks their deviancy is cherished precisely because it is odd or deviant. I always get a chuckle at people who stress wanting to get BDSM into the mainstream. Many would not be happy with that, myself included. I don't want to be at a play part surrounded by normal people!



And I want my child to understand its OK to not be normal whether we're talking about sex, relationships or life in general. I try to teach her that she should be honest with herself and happy. This is happening more and more now that the hormones are kicking in. She's trying desperately to pretend she hasn't discovered boys while its painfully obvious she has - at least in the shyly looking at them and crushes stage of things.

Don't even get me started on the gay and bisexual topics. Between the messed up corporate media that she is addicted to (I hates Disney), growing up in the bible belt, and her confused peers (who must know more than her stupid parents) I feel like I'm the old king trying to beat back with the waves with a sword.

I came out in the mid-70s in Texas at a time when contraception was still illegal in the state and I live in San Francisco. Trust me, I understand the enjoyment of seeing oneself as deviant, lol. *chuckle* I also understand the desire to make it OK for children to be themselves and NOT feel constrained to "be normal" or to "follow the crowd."

I do a great deal of work with youth in the field of human sexuality and am coming at this from the perspective of what is happening developmentally with kids at the age of 12 or 13, when their most burning question is, "am I normal?" My take on it is that at this age it IS important for them to feel good about their budding sexuality (and that of their parents') at a time when it is extremely difficult for them to feel good about their changing bodies. In addition, their thinking is still very concrete (most of us don't begin to be capable of abstract thought until we reach our mid-teens - it's a rare 13-year-old that is capable of taking a word like normal anything but concretely and to see its nuances)... I would never tell anyone how to raise their children, it's just that those more complex conversations seem to me better understood by people who are a little older.

Neon

 

[ms.read]

i've read all of the posts on this thread and its been reallyt informative. Thanks for the facts that make me laugh(esp. for the top ten list lol, i took that one serios for about a half a second. okay maybe a second or two. lol )

My partner has a child from a previous relationship. He was nine at the time. We had roouhg sex for the fisrt time (damn i really enjoy it ) and the morning after at the breakfast table His nine year old starts making all the sounds I made the night before. Then he asked me why I did it. I lied and said I had a nightmare. God it was so embarrasing. Both my partner and his son laughed their asses off. We were renting at the time and i couldn't soundproof the walls. oY. My face is turning red just thinking about it.

 

[medman]

children

Keep them out of it and unaware...they can decide later in life

 

[Puman]

My parents divorced when I was 5. They both remarried and had more children - I never had any problem with them having sex with their new partners, but the thought of them having sex together? EWEWEWEW!

LOL. My parents are still blissfully married after 38yrs and they still grab each other's butts and french kiss in public... this used to freak me out terribly, (especially when other people used to stare and point at the "cute old couple graunching in public") but I am more relaxed about it now...

 

[coyotepondering]

Keep them out of it and unaware...they can decide later in life

I used to think this but the truth is its not that black and white. You can do this pretty successfully when they're very young but as they hit the pre teen years, and this will vary child to child how soon, they start gaining a certain awareness. At some point it is likely that your best efforts to conceal things will find the curtain slip and they will be there to tug at it as surely as Toto did the Wizard's.

This doesn't mean they will suddenly discover about the leather scene and shibari but if you are in a 24/7 committed relationship at some point that little instinct that something is going on will kick in. It can be very subtle or them coming home early and hearing the spanking from the far end of the house. "Was that the door!? Crap!" will ruin top and bottom space pretty fast.

I suspect some couples, especially those not 24/7 could hide it more completely but I only have my own, and those with whom I've conversed, to go on. And to me being honest with my daughters is very important. That doesn't mean I talk about everything. Some things will come in time but if they come to a point where they need to talk about something and I don't think they're ready I have to ask a hard question of myself. Are they really not ready or do I just not want them to be ready yet because I want them to still be my little girls?

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Considering our "children" are now 22, 17 and 9, things are not quite as cut and dry as they once were. Our daughter (22) was told about our lifestyle when she moved back in with us as an adult 2 years ago, however, it really didn't seem to surprise her too much.

We have not formally told the boys, but the 17 year old has made comments about buying handcuffs for a girlfriend and things like that. Possibly to see how I would react, and I only asked if she'd want pink fuzzy ones or just plain metal. LOL.

As far as I know the 9 year old is still clueless, and girls are still yucky to him... LOL.

 

[ownedsubgal]

recently, my Master and i have had to reiterate to his son that he cannot treat me the same way Daddy does. the lil whippersnapper had taken to ordering me about in a very rude manner (get me this, get me that), completely ignoring me if the two of us are alone, when i've told him to do something in line with his Father's demands or rules for him, and only making half-hearted efforts to clean up after himself because, as he put it, "what's the point? she can do it."

part of it i'm sure is the normal selfish jerky-ness that comes with being a 12 yr old, but part of it also is disrespect and not understanding that his own place in the household. so Daddy had a long conversation with him about all of it last week, and things have improved somewhat, but i know that it will likely have to be drilled into his head repeatedly before it really sinks in.