BDSM and children

[TheBlackDahlia]

Being raised by a slighly up-tight family, I can see why many would look at bdsm as abuse. However, because it is different than what they are used to abd, perhaps, scary to them, they refuse to take a closer look at the lifestyle and the people involved. I say, if it's what you're into, if it makes you feel good and as long as you're not doing any real serious damage, go ahead and do it.

 

[FurryFury]

My wife and I have just run into these issues with our kids. This summer we started taking our sex life to a new level, incorporating D/s into our relationship in a big way. I tend to be the submissive one most often, not only in sex but in real life. Over the past few months as we have finally expanded our sexual horizons we have gotten more comfortable with everyday patterns that have always been there but not always acknowledged. Basically, though I'm a leader in the rest of my life, my wife wears the pants in our family. If she says do it, I do it, and so do my kids. I don't think it was coincidence that this summer my two sons (10 and 13) started joking with us about what they call "total submission of the male." The first time my eldest dropped that one I had to hide my face. They have no idea about the sexual side, but they're old enough and smart enough to realize that our family doesn't run like most do. We realized that even though they were joking it was a serious issue - they didn't know why in their family dad does the shopping and the cooking and mom makes big decisions when on TV on in their friends' families it goes the other way around. So we have started talking to them about that - not about the sex part, which I don't want to share with them because it's really none of their business and I think they'd freak out - but about how different people are happy with different kinds of lifestyles and relationships. Who knows, maybe they'll wonder when they're older about what that means in terms of their parent's sex lives, but my thinking is that the most important goal in raising the kids is to make sure they are able to figure out what kind of relationships they want to have. Being open about ours is a good way to do that. And I think it's good to be open about people's different sexual preferences in the same way - you can help your kids realize all sorts of things are possible and cool by talking with them. Of course, I'm still hiding the whips, chains, and other goodies...

OV

Actually from what I see a high percentage of families do run this way, nilla or kinked.

 

[SheDevilShay]

Being raised by a slighly up-tight family, I can see why many would look at bdsm as abuse. However, because it is different than what they are used to abd, perhaps, scary to them, they refuse to take a closer look at the lifestyle and the people involved. I say, if it's what you're into, if it makes you feel good and as long as you're not doing any real serious damage, go ahead and do it.

I also agree with this...

I think open mindedness breeds openmindedness... Not nessicarily abuse....

 

[Mamid]

unfortunately, the souless minions of orthodoxy don't see it that way. it is abuse plain and simple to them.

makes me want to take an gun to them and show them what abuse actually is!

 

[intothewoods]

Right. It's not abuse. But all I'm saying is just because it's not abuse, doesn't mean it's a good relationship! That's just the like minimum qualification for a decent relationship people!

 

[catalina_francisco]

If you go back 200 years... this life style was common.. and practiced... no one thought it was wrong.. it was the feminist movement that really set us back.... (Not that I don't thikn females should have the RIGHT to vote, and my Dom would never tell me who to vote for since its my right to make up my own mind and he allows it. If he wouldn't let me vote the way I wanted to, I would just ask him to allow me "not" to vote at all... as an example.)

Oh give me a break....feminists have set you back? If you switch on the brain you will work out you wouldn't be able to choose to be submissive, switch or whatever you want this week without the benefit of feminism, nor would you be posting on such a forum, nor would you have the right to make decisions for yourself, nor would you have found it easy to find a man willing to marry you after being a single mother who had a child out of marriage, and the list goes on. As to it being common 200 years ago...lol, don't know where you got that idea.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Oh give me a break....feminists have set you back? If you switch on the brain you will work out you wouldn't be able to choose to be submissive, switch or whatever you want this week without the benefit of feminism, nor would you be posting on such a forum, nor would you have the right to make decisions for yourself, nor would you have found it easy to find a man willing to marry you after being a single mother who had a child out of marriage, and the list goes on. As to it being common 200 years ago...lol, don't know where you got that idea.

Catalina

That also wasn't the lifestyle.

This lifestyle IS in opposition to what is held up as the standard. When male-led relationships were the standard, or in places where they still are, then it's something other than this lifestyle. I don't understand how people keep missing that part. When it's just "normal" you would not sit here pondering it for a tenth of the time we are! If you were just so naturally submissive that it doesn't occur to you to be anything else, (in the sense that you just really believe all women are like you and there's nothing remotely exceptional or different about it) you'd never FIND this board, the fact is you are in opposition to a lot of information.

Without feminism and a supposed standard of equality (which is debateable) socially, there'd be nothing to talk about. You'd say "he can do with me as he wishes." We'd all go uh huh, Yup. Some of us happily some of us miserably and some of us still closeting the fact that he likes to lick our boots and do what we want, because we've always been freaks.

 

[catalina_francisco]

That also wasn't the lifestyle.

This lifestyle IS in opposition to what is held up as the standard. When male-led relationships were the standard, or in places where they still are, then it's something other than this lifestyle. I don't understand how people keep missing that part. When it's just "normal" you would not sit here pondering it for a tenth of the time we are! If you were just so naturally submissive that it doesn't occur to you to be anything else, (in the sense that you just really believe all women are like you and there's nothing remotely exceptional or different about it) you'd never FIND this board, the fact is you are in opposition to a lot of information.

Without feminism and a supposed standard of equality (which is debateable) socially, there'd be nothing to talk about. You'd say "he can do with me as he wishes." We'd all go uh huh, Yup. Some of us happily some of us miserably and some of us still closeting the fact that he likes to lick our boots and do what we want, because we've always been freaks.

Oh so true.

Catalina

 

[TheBlackDahlia]

Right. It's not abuse. But all I'm saying is just because it's not abuse, doesn't mean it's a good relationship! That's just the like minimum qualification for a decent relationship people!

Please explain, I'm not completely sure what you meant by that last sentence. The minimum qualification?

 

[ownedsubgal]

Without feminism and a supposed standard of equality (which is debateable) socially, there'd be nothing to talk about. You'd say "he can do with me as he wishes." We'd all go uh huh, Yup. Some of us happily some of us miserably and some of us still closeting the fact that he likes to lick our boots and do what we want, because we've always been freaks.

that's actually the sort of community/culture/whatever i've longed to be a part of for a long time now. i wish i could say to anyone, anyplace, "yesterday my Master/Mate gave me a black eye because i gave him the wrong directions to the market/burned dinner/didn't stop the cat from pooping in the bed/etc." and the common reaction would simply be a nod or a "yeah, i got the same thing the other day," or "that's what you deserved." basically it'd be a no big deal, it's just the way life is, let's talk and commiserate.

 

[intothewoods]

Please explain, I'm not completely sure what you meant by that last sentence. The minimum qualification?

I'm not articulating it well, I'm afraid. Okay. It's like that Chris Rock joke. The guy who brags because "he takes care of his kids." And Chris Rock says, that's what you're SUPPOSED to do. A relationship isn't SUPPOSED to be (er, non-consensually) abusive.

 

[Netzach]

that's actually the sort of community/culture/whatever i've longed to be a part of for a long time now. i wish i could say to anyone, anyplace, "yesterday my Master/Mate gave me a black eye because i gave him the wrong directions to the market/burned dinner/didn't stop the cat from pooping in the bed/etc." and the common reaction would simply be a nod or a "yeah, i got the same thing the other day," or "that's what you deserved." basically it'd be a no big deal, it's just the way life is, let's talk and commiserate.

I don't want to live in a female autocracy.
I am more interested in a world where people can find what they like than in feeling like I fit in. I just don't. Feminist separatist compound? OWK? Both places feel really joyless to me. I'd never get to meet people who totally think my way of doing things is wack, and that's where it may be uncomfortable, but also where it's interesting and shapes my convictions and changes my mind sometimes and tests my love of other people.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I don't want to life in a female autocracy.
I am more interested in a world where people can find what they like than in feeling like I fit in. I just don't. Feminist separatist compound? OWK? Both places feel really joyless to me.

just call me the separatist, cult type. i find no particular joy or coolness in being a freak. i'm tired of feeling hidden, of having to keep so many facets of my everyday life to myself (or to distant near-strangers on a computer screen). and more than that, i'm the sort to find a great comfort in being just one of many all following and living "The Way," which is considered perfectly normal and acceptable to most, if not all. pre-warzone era, i'd be perfectly content living in a somalia or rural aghanistan.

 

[catalina_francisco]

just call me the separatist, cult type. i find no particular joy or coolness in being a freak. i'm tired of feeling hidden, of having to keep so many facets of my everyday life to myself (or to distant near-strangers on a computer screen). and more than that, i'm the sort to find a great comfort in being just one of many all following and living "The Way," which is considered perfectly normal and acceptable to most, if not all. pre-warzone era, i'd be perfectly content living in a somalia or rural aghanistan.

But do you really know what it was like to live in either of those places/cultures, or just going off what is said on TV and in the media? I actually spent yesterday in the company of many women who have come from both those countries...it made for an interesting and delightful day.

Catalina

 

[TheBlackDahlia]

I'm not articulating it well, I'm afraid. Okay. It's like that Chris Rock joke. The guy who brags because "he takes care of his kids." And Chris Rock says, that's what you're SUPPOSED to do. A relationship isn't SUPPOSED to be (er, non-consensually) abusive.

I see what you mean. On the other hand, I wouldn't call it abuse if the other person is enjoying it and wants it to happen. BDSM isn't socially acceptable in our society, so naturally people are going to say "that's not what you're supposed to do." And like I said before, as long as there's no serious damage being done (i.e. the sub acquires major injuries or his/her self esteem is lowered) do what you want. That's just my opinion.

To each his own

 

[ownedsubgal]

But do you really know what it was like to live in either of those places/cultures, or just going off what is said on TV and in the media? I actually spent yesterday in the company of many women who have come from both those countries...it made for an interesting and delightful day.

Catalina

actually i grew up a military brat for the first 13 yrs of life, and lived for periods of time in or near various orthodox islamic communities. when we lived in pakistan i spent many days at a friend's house helping out with women's chores like the washing, cooking, water-fetching, etc. and even at that age found it to be a very serene, peaceful atmosphere. of course this is within one household, not a society at large, but while i understand for others it may be a misery, for me it would be a comfort to know my place and to have always known my place, for there to never be a question or thought to any other existence, and to be part of a greater community which supported and encouraged one clear path.

 

[catalina_francisco]

actually i grew up a military brat for the first 13 yrs of life, and lived for periods of time in or near various orthodox islamic communities. when we lived in pakistan i spent many days at a friend's house helping out with women's chores like the washing, cooking, water-fetching, etc. and even at that age found it to be a very serene, peaceful atmosphere. of course this is within one household, not a society at large, but while i understand for others it may be a misery, for me it would be a comfort to know my place and to have always known my place, for there to never be a question or thought to any other existence, and to be part of a greater community which supported and encouraged one clear path.

But like in all things, that is just one small part of what living in such a culture means...there are so many other aspects to it that have nothing to do with intimate relationships between men and women, and which have much more influence over a person's life as a whole.

Catalina