BDSM and Sexuality

[MzChrista]

I'm sure this topic has been at least brought up in this forum, but I thought it might be interesting to touch on again.

Many have stated that their sexuality is completely separate from their BDSM play. They still need and want both, but the two do not mix. At the other end of the spectrum, there are people that have both of them interwined to the point that you can't tell were the sexuality begins and the BDSM stops.

I was wondering where people fall in this spectrum.

1) Do you feel that BDSM is your sexuality? Or is it a totally separate experience for you?

2) If it is separate, is your sex life vanilla? Do you engage in straight sex? Is it with vanilla people or other people who keep BDSM separate from their sexuality (kindred spirits sort of).

3) For the people that are in TPE and/or 24/7 relationships... are there ever times where you are just in the mood for a good roll in the hay (i.e., a good hard fucking... lol). For example, do Domme's ever feel like letting their guard down and letting the male sub get on top? Or for a male Dom, letting the female sub get up and ride to her hearts content without all the bondage/spankings/etc?

4) Does anyone ever have to go outside a relationship to find straight, vanilla sex?

5) Does the idea of straight vanilla sex totally turn anyone off?

6) Are there times when you just like to cuddle.


Again, I'm just trying to get a feel for the different types of BDSM relationships out there and the different ways people enjoy their sexuality.

PBW "Oh no... Mistress caught me masturbating... AGAIN."

BDSM can be part of my sexuality but its not always. No, put that the other way, sexuality can be part of my BDSM or not.
As far as MY sexuality, as in me getting off, thats an all girl party, and it usually has BDSM aspects but regular old sapphoaction is good for me too.
But I will play with men and they might get off from it, but I wont. So where that fits on your spectrum Im not sure.
I am not so relationship oriented as most people here I think which is why I dont have much to say on some topics. But if I get in another serious relationship having it be BDSM will be totally required.

 

[Hot4Heels]

Hmmm a dificult question for me really.

I am a switch. My SO is a 'nilla but I think she is also a unrealized switch. I am also a Gemini which means I could make sybil seem plain normal when it comes to moods and such.

Sometimes the desire to Top or bottom is very strong. Thankfully my SO is understanding and accomodating. Sometimes she has seemed to have got into the scene and other times endured. Again I think unrealized and as any long term relationship this thing is always evolving.

'Nilla sex. I think of this as the old inoutinout missionary position stuff and I can say that is very rarely. While maybe not all of the way the reigns can change from moment to moment at times and kinkyness and perversion seems to always be present.

Outside the relationship in no way or form. We started out as a one night stand 12 years ago and and it just never seemed to end. On that I am so glad. No BS about a SERIOUS relationship or trying to figure out if someone is for real online (I know have met enough poser assholes without anything sexual being involved).

Really my "true" BDSM cravings are just some of my many cravings that can surface from time to time. That said there is nothing else like being in Dom-space or sub-space.

 

[~Dream~]

In Re:BDSM and SEXUALITY

WHAT A GREAT SUBJECT PBW! THANKS!
1) Do you feel that BDSM is your sexuality? Or is it a totally separate experience for you?
I AM a submissive..control is what I give..My submission IS my sexuality..my choice..I am a submissive sexual slave because I feel an Intense level of submission for My Dom,within the context of not only our relationship,but our life together..

2) If it is separate, is your sex life vanilla? Do you engage in straight sex? Is it with vanilla people or other people who keep BDSM separate from their sexuality (kindred spirits sort of).
mt sex life USED to be Vanilla(BORING!!)..NOW it is anything but that..
_______________________

3) For the people that are in TPE and/or 24/7 relationships... are there ever times where you are just in the mood for a good roll in the hay (i.e., a good hard fucking... lol). For example, do Domme's ever feel like letting their guard down and letting the male sub get on top? Or for a male Dom, letting the female sub get up and ride to her hearts content without all the bondage/spankings/etc?
_________________________________
Quite Honestly ,I Used to 'fantasize about being able to "be on top' of my Master and just ride His ass like there's no tommorrow!
(sorry Master)..but..the more I think about it the more Disrespectful it wouldbe to me to be "above " Him in any way..
it just would not "feel' right ..I hope that means I Am growing and really learning to embrace my submissiveness even more..!

4) Does anyone ever have to go outside a relationship to find straight, vanilla sex?
going outside our relationship for sex would not only feel like 'cheating" to me ,it would be giving to someone else the control of me that only my Master deserves,therfore nullifying what we have.. and as I said earlier vanilla sex is boring to me now...(still love to be fucked tho!!)
5)Does the idea of straight vanilla sex totally turn anyone off?
see above)
6)Are there times when you just like to cuddle.?
a better question would be are there times when I don't? lol
I am a BIGTIME fan of cuddling and find that when cuddled by Master it gives me a sort of quiet reassurance nothing else quite does..

 

[Ebonyfire]

Mmmm I don't know... anybody else think I need to grow it out? No? nobody else thinks so lol.

PBW "Now I'm getting scared... if you pull out a butterfly board I'm outta here" LOL

PBW, you do not have to grow out your hair.. I will just go around and grab some of that chest hair I bet you have!


Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

well for sure I see enough hair on the top of your head to get a grip...I have small fingers but damn are they strong!

So I guess it will have to be the mount ya with your head pulled to the sky...but at least there won't be any bars to peer through..just the occassional star!

Hell, grab his ears!

Eb

 

[willfulbrat]

1) Do you feel that BDSM is your sexuality? Or is it a totally separate experience for you?

2) If it is separate, is your sex life vanilla? Do you engage in straight sex? Is it with vanilla people or other people who keep BDSM separate from their sexuality (kindred spirits sort of).

3) For the people that are in TPE and/or 24/7 relationships... are there ever times where you are just in the mood for a good roll in the hay (i.e., a good hard fucking... lol). For example, do Domme's ever feel like letting their guard down and letting the male sub get on top? Or for a male Dom, letting the female sub get up and ride to her hearts content without all the bondage/spankings/etc?

4) Does anyone ever have to go outside a relationship to find straight, vanilla sex?

5) Does the idea of straight vanilla sex totally turn anyone off?

6) Are there times when you just like to cuddle.

1) BDSM is not my sexuality. It is a part of it, but for me the pain is a catharsis in itself. One or the other will do nicely on it's own.

2) I'm married to a vanilla man, and quite enjoy vanilla sex. I also have a Dom who fulfills my need for BDSM.

3) N/A

4) I don't know. I don't have to make that choice.

5) Straight vanilla sex never turns me off, but I would miss BDSM if I only got vanilla sex.

6) Yep. I'm a cuddleslut.

 

[P. B. Walker]

PBW, you do not have to grow out your hair.. I will just go around and grab some of that chest hair I bet you have!


Eb

OUuccch... that would hurt sooooo bad. Oh shivers... gentle with the chest hair... it's fragile...

PBW "Maybe you could just rub my back instead... <hehe>"

 

[Ebonyfire]

OUuccch... that would hurt sooooo bad. Oh shivers... gentle with the chest hair... it's fragile...

PBW "Maybe you could just rub my back instead... <hehe>"

I wouldn't pull any out ! lol BTW, nice chest!

Eb

 

[P. B. Walker]

I wouldn't pull any out ! lol BTW, nice chest!

Eb

Thankie <;-)

PBW "Ohhh... watch the nipples"

 

[SpectreT]

I'm sure this topic has been at least brought up in this forum, but I thought it might be interesting to touch on again.

Many have stated that their sexuality is completely separate from their BDSM play. They still need and want both, but the two do not mix. At the other end of the spectrum, there are people that have both of them interwined to the point that you can't tell were the sexuality begins and the BDSM stops.

I was wondering where people fall in this spectrum.

1) Do you feel that BDSM is your sexuality? Or is it a totally separate experience for you?

I am a Switch; I'm something of a chameleon in this, altering my colors to contrast rather than blend in though. BDSM colors my normal everyday interactions in all kinds of ways, which I'm still surprising myself with. I'd have to say that it most certainly is part of my sexuality. It's not all of it, but it does color and flavor all of the parts that aren't purely BDSM-oriented.

2) If it is separate, is your sex life vanilla? Do you engage in straight sex? Is it with vanilla people or other people who keep BDSM separate from their sexuality (kindred spirits sort of).

Uhm, my sex life is with myself at the moment, so I'm not entirely qualified to answer that one.

3) For the people that are in TPE and/or 24/7 relationships... are there ever times where you are just in the mood for a good roll in the hay (i.e., a good hard fucking... lol). For example, do Domme's ever feel like letting their guard down and letting the male sub get on top? Or for a male Dom, letting the female sub get up and ride to her hearts content without all the bondage/spankings/etc?

Not Applicable.

4) Does anyone ever have to go outside a relationship to find straight, vanilla sex?

I'd first have to be in a relationship to have to go outside of it, but I don't think I'd settle for a relationship where my needs aren't met.

5) Does the idea of straight vanilla sex totally turn anyone off?

Not me. Unless you're talking about all I'm ever gonna get; that'd be a dealbreaker right there.

6) Are there times when you just like to cuddle.

Yep.

 

[cymbidia]

1) Do you feel that BDSM is your sexuality? Or is it a totally separate experience for you?

Hmmm. The ideas and kinds of sexuality that lie within the embrace of the BDSM label include some that i claim as my own, yes. I consider myself a BDSM lifestyler and identify specifically as a masosub, a masochistic submissive.

2) If it is separate, is your sex life vanilla? Do you engage in straight sex? Is it with vanilla people or other people who keep BDSM separate from their sexuality (kindred spirits sort of).

It's not separate.

3) For the people that are in TPE and/or 24/7 relationships... are there ever times where you are just in the mood for a good roll in the hay (i.e., a good hard fucking... lol).

Fucking and lovemaking and sexual passion comes in many forms according to the phases of them moon and whether his back is hurting and if i'm on my period and according to what kinda new toy i got in the mail today and whether either of us is feeling softly romantic or about to burst with sexual tension.

Isn't that how it is for everyone?

Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't...
(Apologies to those not from the USA for that last line. It's from a TV commercial selling candy bars, one kind with nuts [Almond Joy]- obviously - and another kind, same as the first but without nuts [Mounds].)

4) Does anyone ever have to go outside a relationship to find straight, vanilla sex?

Funny!
I spent most of my nilla marriage going outside it trying to fill my need for this kinda sexual/relationship partnering.

5) Does the idea of straight vanilla sex totally turn anyone off?

Yep.
Makes me feel...empty. Uninvolved. Unaroused. As if there's something essential that's missing.

To be good for me, though, sex doesn't have to include whips and chains and costumes. Good sex is a function of shared headspace. I think that's true of any lovers, lifestylers or not.

In my love relationship, i need to feel the power exchange alive between my dominant and me. I have to feel sub in our lovemaking, and feel him dom. I need to be controlled and held tightly, his to use for our mutual pleasure. That doesn't require any props, only an emotional bond, something worked out long before we got to the no-clothes part.

Straight vanilla sex must be an attitude, just as it's opposite is an attitude. It's got to be something that is enjoyed by those who like it and crave it, just as it's opposite is by me and those like me.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with straight vanilla sex, whatever it is, but it's just not for me. I need the power exchange version of sex, something that's an intangible, but an intangible that it recognizable immediately by those who are involved.

My kind of sex is an attitude and a set of shared needs and desires. It's the way he touches my hand in a restaurant and the tone in his voice when he tells me i've done something well. It's not just a hard cock thrusting into a wet and ready cunt, missionary style. I've done missionary style sex that was definitely not nilla at fucking all.

Vanilla sex is an attitude, i think, just like our brand.

6) Are there times when you just like to cuddle.

Of course. I'm a world-class cuddler and stroker and hugger and smoocher. I just like to touch, generally. Studies have proven conclusively that people don't survive as long and aren't as healthy if we don't have someone with whom to cuddle and share our touches.

 

[longingto]

As i have grown within the lifestyle...i have found that bdsm is part of me. Always has been i think...since the seventies. Unfortunately, no matter how hard i tried, i could not convince my ex husband to include this in our activities. There was always something missing.
After leaving him, i was introduced to the community. Interesting experience to say the least. What i found, were a lot of men who thought that by placing Lord, Master, Sir etc in front of their name, they had what it takes to fulfill the responsibilities of a Dom.
I have met some gems though. They helped me to learn what it is i really want and need. And are still very dear friends and mentors.
To these wonderful Doms, i owe a debt of gratitude.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart...R, D, T, and T. Without you i would not have learned that bdsm is part of me. Thank you for not letting me give up and go back to the vanilla world.
On to the questions....lol
1) BDSM is only part of my sexuality, i would not be complete without it. I know that now and i embrace it.
2) For me...there must be balance. But the swing of the pendulum must be there. I know i could never go back to straight vanilla. The level of trust, intimacy and intensity...just isn't there.
3) Does not apply
4) i have not had the need or desire for completely vanilla sex.
5) i think there is a time and place for vanilla (when and where..i don't know,...lmao) and if it works for the D/s couple, then it brings some balance in.
6) i love kissing, cuddling, holding hands, laying next to each other and quietly talking or just listening to Him breath. Touch is so important to maintain the physical and emotional connection.

I waited a long time for Him. Finding the blend of humor, sensitivity and strength along with the incredible intensity is what i have longed for.

 

[cymbidia]

Hey guys?

That longingto chickie up there?
She's a personal friend of mine from my everyday life.
As a matter of fact, when i was to meet Tex for the first time, it was to her house i went. She was a close friend of his and made us dinner. We sat there with her and her kids and ate then wandered out back to sit on her patio swing and talk (while she cleaned up). It was the most unthreatening, relaxed, and low-key first-meeting i've ever had, i think - and a large part of that had to do with longingto's easy way with me, a stranger in her house. Her kids were nice to me, too - that helped.

Anyway, the chickie has submitted a pile o' poems here, too, if you want to go see them.

Please make her welcome here.

 

[Ebonyfire]

As i have grown within the lifestyle...i have found that bdsm is part of me. Always has been i think...since the seventies. Unfortunately, no matter how hard i tried, i could not convince my ex husband to include this in our activities. There was always something missing.
After leaving him, i was introduced to the community. Interesting experience to say the least. What i found, were a lot of men who thought that by placing Lord, Master, Sir etc in front of their name, they had what it takes to fulfill the responsibilities of a Dom.
I have met some gems though. They helped me to learn what it is i really want and need. And are still very dear friends and mentors.
To these wonderful Doms, i owe a debt of gratitude.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart...R, D, T, and T. Without you i would not have learned that bdsm is part of me. Thank you for not letting me give up and go back to the vanilla world.
On to the questions....lol
1) BDSM is only part of my sexuality, i would not be complete without it. I know that now and i embrace it.
2) For me...there must be balance. But the swing of the pendulum must be there. I know i could never go back to straight vanilla. The level of trust, intimacy and intensity...just isn't there.
3) Does not apply
4) i have not had the need or desire for completely vanilla sex.
5) i think there is a time and place for vanilla (when and where..i don't know,...lmao) and if it works for the D/s couple, then it brings some balance in.
6) i love kissing, cuddling, holding hands, laying next to each other and quietly talking or just listening to Him breath. Touch is so important to maintain the physical and emotional connection.

I waited a long time for Him. Finding the blend of humor, sensitivity and strength along with the incredible intensity is what i have longed for.

Welcome to you, longingto,
I am sure you will enjoy our little corner of Lit.

Ebony

 

[zipman]

I'm sure this topic has been at least brought up in this forum, but I thought it might be interesting to touch on again.

Many have stated that their sexuality is completely separate from their BDSM play. They still need and want both, but the two do not mix. At the other end of the spectrum, there are people that have both of them interwined to the point that you can't tell were the sexuality begins and the BDSM stops.

I was wondering where people fall in this spectrum.

1) Do you feel that BDSM is your sexuality? Or is it a totally separate experience for you?

2) If it is separate, is your sex life vanilla? Do you engage in straight sex? Is it with vanilla people or other people who keep BDSM separate from their sexuality (kindred spirits sort of).

3) For the people that are in TPE and/or 24/7 relationships... are there ever times where you are just in the mood for a good roll in the hay (i.e., a good hard fucking... lol). For example, do Domme's ever feel like letting their guard down and letting the male sub get on top? Or for a male Dom, letting the female sub get up and ride to her hearts content without all the bondage/spankings/etc?

4) Does anyone ever have to go outside a relationship to find straight, vanilla sex?

5) Does the idea of straight vanilla sex totally turn anyone off?

6) Are there times when you just like to cuddle.


Again, I'm just trying to get a feel for the different types of BDSM relationships out there and the different ways people enjoy their sexuality.

PBW "Oh no... Mistress caught me masturbating... AGAIN."

Great questions PBW - even if there are a fucking million of them.

1) BDSM is a large part of my sexuality - but not all of it.
2) I have been in long term relationships in my life where there is no BDSM. I felt unfulfilled. As time went on, it was like a need that I realized was there, growing and getting stronger. Sometimes we have "straight sex" (which I am assuming you mean non-BDSM sex). Usually it is if we only have time for a quickie or if I am too tired to have a long scene. Although, I do love having my sub ride my cock -but even then I make her fuck me till she is exhausted - and I'm usually spanking her ass and pinching her nipples so I guess it isn't really nilla or straight sex.
3) I'm not TPE or 24/7 so I can't answer this.
4) Usually I had to go outside of my nilla relationships for BDSM, or kinky sex. I can't imagine going outside of my current relationship for nilla sex!!!
5) It doesn't turn me off - but it doesn't really turn me on either
6) Yes. My sub is my gf. I love her. Call me what you will but after sex I love laying there with her.

Once again - great questions!