BDSM - D/s & Monogomy

[nh23]

Often the marriage of someone to someone else with a higher sex drive and a history of lots of sexual looseness and they think a white dress will magically change that person into someone else. ta da. Because it's bad to have lots of sex and now I will make him/her a better person.

Nope.

But blame the tiger for the stripes, right?

*nods* Couldn't have said it better myself..

 

[BiBunny]

Often the marriage of someone to someone else with a higher sex drive and a history of lots of sexual looseness and they think a white dress will magically change that person into someone else. ta da. Because it's bad to have lots of sex and now I will make him/her a better person.

Nope.

But blame the tiger for the stripes, right?

Oh. My. God. My already giganti-tron crush on you just increased exponentially. Again.

 

[catalina_francisco]

No, I agree with you. Cheating is cheating is cheating. And cheating does not belong anywhere near poly or monogamy as genuine relationships.

But some people end up cheating not because they just want more sex, or they need the chase, etc. They just fall in love with someone while still in a relationship (and in love with) another. They love like a poly person does but are grounded in the monogamous mindset. And they will continue to leave relationships because they have cheated and feel the person they've wronged "deserves better than a cheater."

Usually, if these types of people discover poly and find people who are open to it they end up not cheating again. Because then they are free to love like they naturally do but with out needing to be with only one person.

Am I getting the point across yet?

Yes, and it isn't very different to mine. Nice people also cheat due to any variety of circumstances, still doesn't make it right or fair though and most of us learn that as we mature, gain experience, think outside the box etc. I guess for me I am fortunate in that I am not a person who remains open to falling in love with someone else quite by accident when I am committed in a relationship...I have a sort of shut off valve which keeps the boundary lines in place...doesn't stop me noticing someone I might find attractive and interesting in other circumstances, but it does stop the love thing being a possibility simply because I don't keep that part of me open for someone to wander into.

I also think when some people talk about 'love' as such, or even 'falling in love' they are referring more to desire, attraction and/or strong liking more so than what I equate with love in a serious relationship context. It isn't that rare even here to see people professing undying love for X one week, then the next week after X has left or been discarded they are deeply in love with Y....for me love does not happen that easily or frequently, attraction can though.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

Yes, and it isn't very different to mine. Nice people also cheat due to any variety of circumstances, still doesn't make it right or fair though and most of us learn that as we mature, gain experience, think outside the box etc. I guess for me I am fortunate in that I am not a person who remains open to falling in love with someone else quite by accident when I am committed in a relationship...I have a sort of shut off valve which keeps the boundary lines in place...doesn't stop me noticing someone I might find attractive and interesting in other circumstances, but it does stop the love thing being a possibility simply because I don't keep that part of me open for someone to wander into.

I also think when some people talk about 'love' as such, or even 'falling in love' they are referring more to desire, attraction and/or strong liking more so than what I equate with love in a serious relationship context. It isn't that rare even here to see people professing undying love for X one week, then the next week after X has left or been discarded they are deeply in love with Y....for me love does not happen that easily or frequently, attraction can though.

Catalina

I think it's a question of really examining what love is. Now - post-marriage, I can feel deep attraction, and connection, and intimacy and all those great things and feel like, oh, this is love, but I also know that they are simply feelings. Wonderful feelings, but what matters is also the actions behind those feelings. So if I choose love again, and choose commitment again, I must make choices when I want to drift. And it is drift, not expanding my love.

 

[Netzach]

Do you seriously think that anyone gets that much control over their emotions in this lifetime? Someone's going to be miserable in the end and I don't see why that person should always have to be me in order to go on with myself.

I'm glad that I still see love as something which happens as much as it's something you can choose to do or not to. You don't have to give in to every single urge, but as for the safety valve of only having eyes for one, well, BTDT, it was a nice lie to myself while it lasted.

I think I have a better projection for success in realizing that anything can happen and having plans and contingencies and boundaries drawn up around what might. I know what role my husband fills and no one else can fill it, it doesn't mean I can build some kind of a wall around myself and still be happy. This goes past the notion of sex, I don't feel healthy rational or like I'm a contributer to the world at large when I'm an "island of two".

 

[intothewoods]

Do you seriously think that anyone gets that much control over their emotions in this lifetime? Someone's going to be miserable in the end and I don't see why that person should always have to be me in order to go on with myself.

I'm glad that I still see love as something which happens as much as it's something you can choose to do or not to. You don't have to give in to every single urge, but as for the safety valve of only having eyes for one, well, BTDT, it was a nice lie to myself while it lasted.

I think I have a better projection for success in realizing that anything can happen and having plans and contingencies and boundaries drawn up around what might. I know what role my husband fills and no one else can fill it, it doesn't mean I can build some kind of a wall around myself and still be happy. This goes past the notion of sex, I don't feel healthy rational or like I'm a contributer to the world at large when I'm an "island of two".

Do I honestly think I can have control over my emotions? Yes. Well, no, but I can control my actions.

Wait, let me step back. I was actually thinking more about love in general. Like right now, I met my PYL. I have the feeling for him. Birds singing, hurrah. But, I don't know, I've been here before. What does it really mean? This feeling now is great, and it was great when it was with my husband, but what really counts for me is what happens when the shit hits the fan.

If I'm sick and in the hospital and you fall apart, that's not what I need. If you take care of me and stay up with me when I physically can't sleep, that is love - or whatever we label it, that's what I want if I settle down again.

As far as the cheating goes, all I'm saying is for me, it wasn't really about love. It was about losing faith in my husband. Feeling let down. Wanting to be taken care of. And not wanting to face the music and say, you know what, you are not that guy I was hoping for.

I don't think just wanting to fuck someone else necessarily means there is all this emotional shit attached, I'm just talking about what was behind my cheating.

 

[intothewoods]

And btw, by cheating I mean having a relationship with someone online and across an ocean. Come on, how much could that have been about sex?

 

[intothewoods]

What you think someone might cheat because they are unhappy and not merely because they are a morally inferior asshole?

What's wrong with you?

I imagine you might be the kind to have empathy with abusers who were beaten up as children. Not, you know to the point of excusing them or anything, though everyone will accuse you of that if you bring up the point, but the world must be a less mystifying place at times for you. Or far more. It sure gets messy when the world isn't a chess game of victim and victimizer and nothing else.

Sometimes the tragedy is that people don't have the fortitude to leave, not that they don't have the fortitude to forsake all others. Have you people *seen* some marriages? Eesh.

I take it back. I'm a morally inferior asshole who also doesn't have the fortitude to leave, emotionally anyway. I just think if you take vows, they mean something. I think you owe it to the marriage to try counseling again when you've got a kid. I just do. But my husband doesn't. And I hate him. I don't think, well, he had the fortitude to leave.

Does that make me petty?

 

[SubKekiLee]

ITW
I dont think you are a morally wrong person and I FULLY understand why your trying.. .youre kid and you.. I Dont think that youre relationship over across and ocean is about sex what soever I think it is about companionship... IF you are really unhappy though my suggestion is to leave ( I should listen to my own advice) If you need an ear I am here..


SKL

 

[intothewoods]

ITW
I dont think you are a morally wrong person and I FULLY understand why your trying.. .youre kid and you.. I Dont think that youre relationship over across and ocean is about sex what soever I think it is about companionship... IF you are really unhappy though my suggestion is to leave ( I should listen to my own advice) If you need an ear I am here..


SKL

Thanks, he's already gone. I just meant emotionally I haven't let go. It's been a tough night, and I'm venting in a random thread, lol.

 

[SubKekiLee]

ahhhhh ok... Good.. well again if you need anything JUST let me know..

Kiss
SKL

 

[catalina_francisco]

I take it back. I'm a morally inferior asshole who also doesn't have the fortitude to leave, emotionally anyway. I just think if you take vows, they mean something. I think you owe it to the marriage to try counseling again when you've got a kid. I just do. But my husband doesn't. And I hate him. I don't think, well, he had the fortitude to leave.

Does that make me petty?

No, it makes you real, caring, and responsible beyond your immediate needs and wants. That being said, if the other person is not at a point where they are willing to meet you halfway, you should not have to feel guilty or like you failed because you could not provide the picture perfect family for your child. In the end, it is often better they are out of that environment and given an opportunity later on to see how a relationship where 2 people are involved and committed and really care about each other can work. Most of us tend to role model our lives on those of our parents in some way, even when we believe we are resisting it...to stay for the child only risks teaching them this is what love is about and setting them up for the same pain.

Catalina