BDSM- lifestyle or not

[xxCrystal4314xx]

Bandit~ thanks hon, that really helps me figure it out. My initial question was so messed up because of my lack of understanding, but I think I'm getting there.

 

[Netzach]

I guess one reason why I do not have a problem understanding the meaning behind the word 'lifestyle' is because I grew up with it in my face everyday. Being an Aussie and living there for 44 1/2 years, it was a common thing to hear the 'Australian lifestyle' mentioned in all walks of life and all forms of communication. No-one jumped up and down and said, 'well, what is that then?'....we knew what it meant. Same as it is said some people lead a jetset lifestyle...it is understood that does not mean the person has been on a couple of trips on a plane in their lifetime.

Why is it when it is applied to BDSM people and the way they live, they get upset and start trying to invalidate the use of the word to mean exactly what EG, Ebonyfire, myself understand it to mean and get all defensive and/or aggressive about it not working, not being clear, not real, unnecessary, useless as a word, being judgemental etc. It ain't judgemental unless you feel it makes you seem less of a person or BDSMer, and that folks I'm sorry to say has nothing to do with the word or those who use it to describe their lives, but with your own feelings of insecurity, inferiority or whatever that comes from within, not from the minds of those who use the word to mean a way of life that is valid and real.

Catalina

In my case because I've had the word "alternative lifestyle" inflicted on me and my friends very real and serious "lives". Being gay and being a "jetsetter" are completely different and equating those things is deeply offensive. Because it is. I don't know how it is in Australia, but in the US, "lifestyle" is usually created around a series of consumer choices. I'm not a total punk, but to me that's very flimsy and ugly.

I see my SM interest similarly to being queer not similarly to being kinda emo. I think this has nothing at all do do with insecurity any more than me disliking being called "hebrew" because people don't like the bluntness of the word "Jew" in the midwest or south. Dictionary wise, they mean the same thing. Connotation wise, they're far apart.

The only time I adopted "lifestyle" for myself was in pro circles - "are you lifestyle too" means "do you ever do this off the clock?" and clearly, I did. This also explains that once again, terminology flexes HUGELY depending who's using it. Lifestyle in that context meant liking it enough that it was part of your life.

 

[Ebonyfire]

At this stage of my life, I do not care if or why someone disagrees with me. Opinions are like a__holes...everyone has one.

I always say I have opinions and am not shy to express them. I do refuse to justify any of them to anyone on this forum, and I do not require anyone to justify themselves to me.

My party is is ongoing.

 

[Netzach]

My party is is ongoing.

This is the best answer to this query yet.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

My party is is ongoing.

PARTY AT EB'S! ! ! ! WOO-WOO! WOO-WOO!

 

[Ebonyfire]

PARTY AT EB'S! ! ! ! WOO-WOO! WOO-WOO!

Everyday!

 

[Chris_Xavier]

But please share with us your understanding of the term. What qualifies someone as a "lifestyler" in your book?

My working definition of a bdsm lifestyler is someone who goes out their way to find a partner who is also a practitioner of bdsm vs having a vanilla relationship. In my mind that counts for lifestyle vs just liking "rough sex". Bdsm includes not only sexual encounters but assuming positions of "in charge" and "one who follows orders" in everything from the extraordinary to the mundane.

What made my antenna twitch was this:

If you are NOT living BDSM as a lifestyle means that for you it is a game, it's for grins and giggles, it's something you pick up and put down as the mood strikes, something you can walk away from and not look back.

What I took from it was that unless someone met your definition, then they were just playing a game. Granted, you were giving your opinion but with your closing of

Does that make it clearer?

I took it to mean that you were laying down the law for the rest of us.

I do agree that fetish wear doth not make the Dom or the sub make and there is a difference between living the lifestyle versus playing at it. To what degree one lives the lifestyle may vary from person to person or couple to couple.

I concede that you are more involved in the lifestyle than I am but I still consider myself a practitioner of the lifestyle.

In another thread I read that someone had started out with bdsm in the bedroom and the roles just naturally extended to the rest of their lives and I think that is true for most us - once we find the person with whom to practice it/live the lifestyle with.

Like most open minded people (and as I finally start to grow up from that Peter Pan attitude I still hang on to) I am always adjusting and modifying how I look upon the world. You challenged me to qualify my definition - for that you have my thanks.

 

[Netzach]

I've talked to a chick who puts on latex fetish attire every day of her life and cams with people - non professionally - as her favorite compulsion and fetish.

I feel like a mere weekender in relation to her as a fetishist. This is someone for whom all "oh if you met us we'd be like any other couple" bets are OFF.

But because she doesn't adhere to her mathhhter in all things and they ID as kinky switches a lot of people are happy to dismiss them as serious BDSM.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I don't consider myself in the "lifestyle" but I also don't consider what I do have to be a game. It's real. I don't pretend to obey, I don't fake it, it is not role play. I know the difference. I would say that what my husband and i used to do together was role-play. What my Dom and I have is real, even though he lives hundreds of miles away from me.

What I don't understand and what sometimes irritates me about some who considers themselves in the lifestyle (and I am NOT directing this to any particular person here, so please don't anyone take it personally) is that they are constantly complaining about how difficult it is to be a 24/7 submissive and how anyone else not in the lifestyle would never understand. They complain constantly about how hard their life is being at the constant beck and call of someone else. Well, I feel like screaming at them--Then get the hell out! If is is consensual then the person can leave whenever they want. Don't be a martyr about it. Venting about an aspect of it once in a while is one thing but always whining about what an effort it is gets old.

Life is too short, it must be enjoyed no matter how you live it.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Life is too short, it must be enjoyed no matter how you live it.

Agreed.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

My take on it is it is up to each person individually to define what their role means to them, then the couple has to define what their relationship means to them. Basically to each their own. I've grown sick of most all labels and explanations of how BDSM relationships should be defined, because as I've said numerous times in the past there really is no one set handbook on how this is all supposed to be done. There are no set "rules and regulations" for everyone to follow otherwise we'd all be doing it the exact same way and my God how BORING that would be!!!

How do I do things in my life? I live it the way I see fit with Daddy, pure and simple. No apologies, no regrets.

 

[Softouch911]

What I don't understand and what sometimes irritates me about some who considers themselves in the lifestyle (and I am NOT directing this to any particular person here, so please don't anyone take it personally) is that they are constantly complaining about how difficult it is to be a 24/7 submissive and how anyone else not in the lifestyle would never understand. <snip>
Life is too short, it must be enjoyed no matter how you live it.

Or, as my mentor insists, "If it ain't fun, don't do it."

Seriousness sometimes seems to be confused with frowning a lot, a furrowed brow, and big words that show you think about the universe a lot.

Sometimes a lack of intensity is confused with a lack of seriousness, too, and the expectation is that serious people are always intense in WIITWD.

Of course this leaves out slaves who find obedience is fun and satisfying, and it leaves out Master/Mistress types who control without drama and find it satisfying.

I don't think anyone here has said differently, by the way. Just offering a perspective which clarifies for me some of the discombobulation that seems to arise around these conversations.

Respectfully,
(Prof.) Joe

 

[mytwocents]

sex should be fun

forgetaboutit!

 

[bobshortforkate]

Not so much. Just like everything else, it's all about communication. In the bedroom, he knows that he is more than welcome to tell me what to do, to order me about and degrade me in whatever manner he pleases. I welcome and love it.

Outside of the bedroom, I don't want to be treated in such a manner. Or rather, outside of sex I don't want to be treated like that.

I'm the opposite. Our dynamic doesn't extend into the bedroom, we're pretty much equal there, but he allows it to be so.

To answer the OP:

Our 24/7 dynamic is - - I'm submissive and deferential to him, sharing my opinions, but he does what he thinks is best. He doesn't punish. Ever. He simply says "You did X when you should have done Y. Don't let it happen again" and I don't.

Or "Stop doing *this*, I don't like it." and I do.

We call it our vanilla with a swirl of chocolate lifestyle.