BDSM without sex?

[cymbidia]

I think some people are being too broad by saying sex goes with BDSM. What I mean by that is that BDSM is very broad and includes many different activities. Some of these activites go naturally with sex. By sex I mean, oral sex, intercourse, anal sex, handjobs, etc... basically... someone is having an orgasm. I know that's pretty broad, but that's just how I think about sex.

In my life and my mind and my heart and body and soul, "sex" is most assuredly not limited to that which will produce an orgasm by rubbing any of the primary sex organs, e.g., oral sex, intercourse, anal sex, hand jobs, etc.

In my life, a flogging is sex.
In my life, trimming those manly fingernails is tinged with sexuality.
In my life, D/s involves sex because it is sex.
In my life, when i am bound tightly, whether or not i am then going to get fucked in the ass, i am already in a sexual suitation; in essence, i am already having sex because to me, bondage is a facet of my sexuality.

I understand that you draw lines, PWB, and you, too, Rubes, between BDSM play and overtly sexual touching. On one side is (usually) non-sex and on the other side is sex.

Those lines are different in my world.
Can you see that?

For many of us who claim BDSM sexuality at our core, as the defining concept of who we are as sexual people, there is no difference between sex and BDSM. To many of us, sex = BDSM = sex and "getting fucked" often doesn't have much at all to do with penetration.

 

[P. B. Walker]

In my life and my mind and my heart and body and soul, "sex" is most assuredly not limited to that which will produce an orgasm by rubbing any of the primary sex organs, e.g., oral sex, intercourse, anal sex, hand jobs, etc.

In my life, a flogging is sex.
In my life, trimming those manly fingernails is tinged with sexuality.
In my life, D/s involves sex because it is sex.
In my life, when i am bound tightly, whether or not i am then going to get fucked in the ass, i am already in a sexual suitation; in essence, i am already having sex because to me, bondage is a facet of my sexuality.

I understand that you draw lines, PWB, and you, too, Rubes, between BDSM play and overtly sexual touching. On one side is (usually) non-sex and on the other side is sex.

Those lines are different in my world.
Can you see that?

For many of us who claim BDSM sexuality at our core, as the defining concept of who we are as sexual people, there is no difference between sex and BDSM. To many of us, sex = BDSM = sex and "getting fucked" often doesn't have much at all to do with penetration.

I can understand where you are coming from and when I think about it, you have backed up what I said. You just define sex a bit differently than I do. Sex is in the mind. If your mind is in that "sex" zone while you are being flogged then you are having sex. And I think if you have an orgasm from being flogged then you are definitely having sex. Just because we have different ideas about sex doesn't mean we aren't on the same page regarding sex and BDSM. You state that sex=bdsm=sex. So I think your answer to the "do you have sex with your bdsm?" question would be a resounding YES. Whereas someone that just wants to whip the daylights out someone and then stop really could not say they are having sex. In the end, bdsm is sex for you. Again, one of the great things about bdsm.

I think we all have our own original answer to this question ("do you have sex with your bdsm?") I think it is perfect valid to say No, I don't have sex. And in your case, I think it is also very valid to say, Not only Yes, but BDSM IS sex to me. And then there are some of us, like Ruby who will answer "Yes, I like sex with my BDSM or else i don't want BDSM."

BDSM is special. It has a place for us all.

pBw

 

[Ebonyfire]

no, it's the heart of the issue.

It is the heart of the issue FOR YOU. Whoever you are.

It is a non issue for me.

So there.

Eb

 

[cymbidia]

BDSM is special. It has a place for us all.

Well, all of us except my exhusband, anyway.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well, all of us except my exhusband, anyway.

OMG, I almost choked over that one!

Eb

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: BDSM without sex?

Its more complicated than that. I dont have sex with men but I play BDSM with them. Ok, but if I do cbt or ass play with them, is that sex from their p.o.v.? I suppose it is.
But the real deal is the control and the power exchange, not the sex. So now flip that back. Seems like the reason they like the control is its sexually liberating.
This is making my head hurt.

What She said!

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: BDSM - Non sexual focus

First of all, there are more Domme/malesub partners without sexual focus, than you think. They do not post here at Lit.


My subs are chosen because they do not have a sexual focus. However, I did not say there is no sex. I said that I do not have sexual intercourse with them. I can if I wanted to, but I just do not want to.

My subs are service oriented. What service I require is personal service (bathing, pedicures etc.), or domestic service (chores, errands, etc). Of I want sex, it would be part of personal service.

Sex is just another service in my mind, that I can take or reject. I can get sex anywhere with whomever i choose, and I do.

Sex is a tool just like a cane, rope, and a whip.


I define what is service depending on the type of involvement.

Eb

add to MzChristas post and I am being saved a lot of typing

 

[Shadowsdream]

I think some people are being too broad by saying sex goes with BDSM. What I mean by that is that BDSM is very broad and includes many different activities. Some of these activites go naturally with sex. By sex I mean, oral sex, intercourse, anal sex, handjobs, etc... basically... someone is having an orgasm. I know that's pretty broad, but that's just how I think about sex.

I think the better question is do you enjoy sex with your S/M? or sex with your B/D? or sex with your D/s? As many have pointed out, they are mostly into S/M. That is not necessarily something that lends itself naturally to intercourse. Could you do it? Yeah definitely. Does it always happen? Probably not.

The same holds true with B/D. There some people that just get off being bound. That is their "thing". Doesn't mean they want to be fucked in the ass while they are bound up.

In addition, D/s doesn't *have* to involve sex. It could just be about your sexy little subbie trimming your manly fingernails while you watch SportsCenter. Different kinks for different folks.

We all turn to BDSM for different reasons. BDSM is a lifestyle, not just a sexual proclivity. You can easily spend your days working as a dungeon master and then retire to your 3-bedroom house and have some lovely intercourse with your wife on top (without any BDSM activities at all). At the same time, sex can be totally involved in your BDSM. I personally think that is the beauty of BDSM, there is niche for everyone.

Just my 3 1/3 cents...

PBW

and a valuable and spot on 3 1/3 cents it was