Being a submissive...

[MisterSir]

MisterSir.. i'm a bit confused. When you say that you want to make all the decisions for your sub, is that not the same as micromanaging? Do you sort of pick out the bits of her life that you control then? Sorry.. just trying to understand...

You could say that, yeah.

I really have no desire to make all the decisions for my sub, that would be a recipe for disaster as nothing would ever get done. Hell, we'd probably never leave the bedroom. I'd trust her enough to make her own decisions on things like her diet or clothing, but like Netzach put more succintly than I could ever hope to, I'd have to maintain the power to look up and say "No, that makes you look frumpy. Pick something else" if I felt like it.

What he means by that is, a submissive should trust her Dominant enough to be able to give him that power over her life. In what ways and to what extent the Dominant chooses to use it...is up to the Dominant. So, yes the Dominant does pick and choose or takes total control. But only after the submissive decides of her/his own free will , whether or not to give the Dominant that power and control.

Yeah. Really, I could have just answered this with other people's interpretations of what I've said and it'd make more sense.

 

[thelastempress]

S

Submission, I think is something that a person is called to. I have found great pleasure in pleasing my Master. Not so much in the sexual gratification I recieve, although that is wonderful, but more because I love to serve that who I love.

Rather than loosing my ability to make choices, I relinquish it to someone that I have learned to trust. I have been fortunate with all of my previous relationships to encounter Doms who respect my personality and my opinions. I find that submission has enhanced my life rather than diminished it in any way.

I think it is important to me, that Domination, as well as submission require an equal amount of trust between the two participants. For myself it has been a means of self awareness and one of many important ways that I define myself.

 

[gloriann]

Power exchange is quite extreme; that's giving up 24/7 decisions, and that's what I think I've been seeing in some of the posts. I feel submissiveness is different, and it doesn't necessarily have to have a "definition." It is something that is worked about between you and your dom/me, in order for you both to have your own needs met. There isn't one way to be a sub, or to be a dom/me, for that matter.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

If you want my inexperienced two pence on the matter, being a submissive is about putting your trust in your dom and giving them the power to make your decisions for you. I personally am not really interested in "micromanagement" - stuff like picking what my sub eats or what she wears - but to each their own, I'm not about to judge.

MisterSir.. i'm a bit confused. When you say that you want to make all the decisions for your sub, is that not the same as micromanaging? Do you sort of pick out the bits of her life that you control then?
Sorry.. just trying to understand...

Thanks again. I'm really loving this learning curve.

Mister and I have yet to explore all this but at this stage, I think the basic gist is in overall trust and obedience - where it is expressly sought - rather than micro-management over every last detail. The dom would retain ultimate power of veto over everything (for want of a better expression) but most mundane daily decisions would not require his scrutiny or interference.

Interference is perhaps the wrong word but I hope you can understand what I mean.

 

[JMohegan]

Mister and I have yet to explore all this but at this stage, I think the basic gist is in overall trust and obedience - where it is expressly sought - rather than micro-management over every last detail. The dom would retain ultimate power of veto over everything (for want of a better expression) but most mundane daily decisions would not require his scrutiny or interference.

Interference is perhaps the wrong word but I hope you can understand what I mean.

When people say that gist of submission is trust, I always wonder what they mean.

That is, I understand the general concept of trust. But I wonder about the genesis of the trust, what signs indicate the establishment of trust, and how long people expect it to take for trust to develop.

 

[JMohegan]

I think it is important to me, that Domination, as well as submission require an equal amount of trust between the two participants.

I agree with this.

 

[eastern sun]

When people say that gist of submission is trust, I always wonder what they mean.

That is, I understand the general concept of trust. But I wonder about the genesis of the trust, what signs indicate the establishment of trust, and how long people expect it to take for trust to develop.

I've struggled with trust for many years. And the only way I've been able to trust someone enough to submit to them physically is to take the risk and then learn through a number of experiences over time that the person is trustworthy. Once in a while that means ending up in a position that takes some skill to get out of.

I do get gut feelings about whether or not I can trust someone. And I act on those hunches. But my whole life I've been attracted to assholes, alcoholics and womanizers. If that's what turns me on, then what exactly am I looking for?

Sometimes I think I like playing on the edge of the knife.

 

[intothewoods]

I've struggled with trust for many years. And the only way I've been able to trust someone enough to submit to them physically is to take the risk and then learn through a number of experiences over time that the person is trustworthy. Once in a while that means ending up in a position that takes some skill to get out of.

I do get gut feelings about whether or not I can trust someone. And I act on those hunches. But my whole life I've been attracted to assholes, alcoholics and womanizers. If that's what turns me on, then what exactly am I looking for?

Sometimes I think I like playing on the edge of the knife.

My whole life I have been attracted to people I consider safe in some way. Recently I've realized that then I turn around and push them to test their love for me. Fucked up! But knowledge is power - than God for therapy.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

When people say that gist of submission is trust, I always wonder what they mean.

That is, I understand the general concept of trust. But I wonder about the genesis of the trust, what signs indicate the establishment of trust, and how long people expect it to take for trust to develop.

I'm probably going to trip over my choice of wording again because I'm still figuring out to express all this stuff. I suppose what I mean is trust that a dom has my best interests at heart and is responsible with the power I hand to him. For me trust and respect go hand in hand or not at all and I think they're possibly the most important things in a power-exchange relationship.

 

[ecstaticsub]

On the issue of trust there are different kinds of trust. I trust my husband never to lie to me, I trust that he will love me forever, I trust that he will always put our children and myself first in his mind. However, I do not trust his ability to use a flogger on me or any type of BDSM activity.

I do trust my Dominant to know his own level of expertise and I trust that he will always put my safety first. I also trusts that he loves me and is honest with me, even though I know his wife and family comes before me.

With both men I knew I could trust them instinctively. I knew it after my first date with my husband and after the first time I met my Dominant in person.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I hope this is considered on topic..

I do not consider myself submissive. I am a submissive to just my PYL. We have been together for almost 4 years now. Just lately I have started to feel resentment about everythig always being about him. I feel I do so much without getting what I need back. I talked to him about this, which didn't make him happy to say the least. But he was glad I came to him about it. He asked me what I wanted. The thing is I don't know. I can't say what I want, it is more of an intangible.

I am hoping this is just a phase I am going through due to overwhelming stress in my family and career at this time.

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

 

[JMohegan]

I'm probably going to trip over my choice of wording again because I'm still figuring out to express all this stuff. I suppose what I mean is trust that a dom has my best interests at heart and is responsible with the power I hand to him. For me trust and respect go hand in hand or not at all and I think they're possibly the most important things in a power-exchange relationship.

I don't think you're tripping over wording here; I'm just curious as to your perspective. How & why do you trust that he has your best interests at heart? How and why do you trust that he is responsible?

Eastern Sun and Ecstaticsub just gave two very different responses. This isn't a right/wrong thing, just different ways of looking at it.

 

[CwgrlKat]

I hope this is considered on topic..

I do not consider myself submissive. I am a submissive to just my PYL. We have been together for almost 4 years now. Just lately I have started to feel resentment about everythig always being about him. I feel I do so much without getting what I need back. I talked to him about this, which didn't make him happy to say the least. But he was glad I came to him about it. He asked me what I wanted. The thing is I don't know. I can't say what I want, it is more of an intangible.

I am hoping this is just a phase I am going through due to overwhelming stress in my family and career at this time.

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

I do hope with being new I am not being brash to offer my opinion here to ecstatic. But not everyone whether they are sub or Dom/me can be completely happy 100% of the time. We all feel the stresses of family work and life in general. Perhaps it is a stage or phase one goes through but it was good you did speak with your PYL first before it got out of hand. Perhaps both of you can work through this or someone might have an idea of how to help. I fear ,,I am not that one. But am always happy to try when I am able to help another.

Respectfully, Kat

 

[ecstaticsub]

I do hope with being new I am not being brash to offer my opinion here to ecstatic. But not everyone whether they are sub or Dom/me can be completely happy 100% of the time. We all feel the stresses of family work and life in general. Perhaps it is a stage or phase one goes through but it was good you did speak with your PYL first before it got out of hand. Perhaps both of you can work through this or someone might have an idea of how to help. I fear ,,I am not that one. But am always happy to try when I am able to help another.

Respectfully, Kat

Thanks Kat. Don't worry about being new and offering an opinion, new voices and opinions are always welcome. (at least to me)

The relationship is airtight..we just have to work out the wrinkles.

Thanks again.

 

[eastern sun]

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

I feel resentment during periods of difficulty. When life is hard, I want someone to put my needs first.

The solution I've found has been to vent my feelings and then work on myself - my expectations, my feelings, my fears, sometimes simply my diet, sleep, and exercise patterns.

Usually the resolution does not lie in his hands. He tends to keep on being himself. I have to find a way to meet my own needs, and let go of the expectation that is now hurting me.

 

[zoe8]

I'm very new to this whole thing. But from my perspective submission is being mindful of my other's needs and suppressing my selfish desires.

When I first met my husband I was pretty passive. While I had my own ideas and he had his own ideas I didn't feel the need to fight/resist his ideas. When I say ideas that means everything from where to eat, what movie to rent and our views on life. I took in his ideas and drank them alongside my own.

Then we had kids, got married and something inside me changed. Suddenly I felt like I had to squash his ideas for me to have my own. I had to argue, fight and control him for me to feel like a whole person. But this was wrong... it didn't work and it just made us *both* miserable.

Lately I have defined myself as submissive and we have spoken about this. While he balked at the idea of 24/7 and the word slave I see us both enjoying my submission. I'm very very far from good at it. Sometimes it makes me feel crappy because I feel like I should be shutting up and yet I'm only getting louder. I feel like I'm failing.

But a lot of times its perfect. Simply making him a sandwich when he is hungry, giving up my computer time or just listening intently makes me feel good. It makes him feel good. He doesn't even have to say a word, I just feel a warmth in the room that wasn't there before.

 

[zoe8]

I feel resentment during periods of difficulty. When life is hard, I want someone to put my needs first.

The solution I've found has been to vent my feelings and then work on myself - my expectations, my feelings, my fears, sometimes simply my diet, sleep, and exercise patterns.

Usually the resolution does not lie in his hands. He tends to keep on being himself. I have to find a way to meet my own needs, and let go of the expectation that is now hurting me.

This is perfectly it... I spent 3 years making us miserable and then another 3 coming to this realization. I can't change him, but I can change myself. Yielding to him has worked for us in so many ways.

I also think this can be a resolution in other areas of life. I'm not going to submit to everyone and everywhere but I can control my feelings and the way I look at things.

 

[eastern sun]

I'm very new to this whole thing. But from my perspective submission is being mindful of my other's needs and suppressing my selfish desires.

When I first met my husband I was pretty passive. While I had my own ideas and he had his own ideas I didn't feel the need to fight/resist his ideas. When I say ideas that means everything from where to eat, what movie to rent and our views on life. I took in his ideas and drank them alongside my own.

Then we had kids, got married and something inside me changed. Suddenly I felt like I had to squash his ideas for me to have my own. I had to argue, fight and control him for me to feel like a whole person. But this was wrong... it didn't work and it just made us *both* miserable.

Lately I have defined myself as submissive and we have spoken about this. While he balked at the idea of 24/7 and the word slave I see us both enjoying my submission. I'm very very far from good at it. Sometimes it makes me feel crappy because I feel like I should be shutting up and yet I'm only getting louder. I feel like I'm failing.

But a lot of times its perfect. Simply making him a sandwich when he is hungry, giving up my computer time or just listening intently makes me feel good. It makes him feel good. He doesn't even have to say a word, I just feel a warmth in the room that wasn't there before.

I had a very similar experience. It's interesting that we both reached similar conclusions.

 

[intothewoods]

I hope this is considered on topic..

I do not consider myself submissive. I am a submissive to just my PYL. We have been together for almost 4 years now. Just lately I have started to feel resentment about everythig always being about him. I feel I do so much without getting what I need back. I talked to him about this, which didn't make him happy to say the least. But he was glad I came to him about it. He asked me what I wanted. The thing is I don't know. I can't say what I want, it is more of an intangible.

I am hoping this is just a phase I am going through due to overwhelming stress in my family and career at this time.

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

I think it's pretty normal. I had feelings of self-doubt more in the beginning of my D/s exploration. We are D/s and a primary relationship, and also his D needs are not particularly demanding, so I have it sort of easy on that front.

As far as resentment goes, while my situation is different from yours, at least for me resentment creeps up when I feel like damn, I just worked all day, got home and did all the housekeeping and then made dinner and did the dishes and got my kid bathed and into bed and you want me to do what now? For me, it wasn't that he had made some unreasonable demand (see above - he's pretty easy to please!), but that what he wanted right then was some sort of trigger that reminded me of past partners in some way. What I did was tell him, look, this is completely not your fault, but for some reason when you said x it reminded me of this person and so I got snippy. I'm really sorry. And once I figured out what was at the heart of it I didn't feel resentment anymore. And what he did - which probably doesn't sound oh so Domly - was to ask, can I do anything to help? And just his asking makes me feel appreciated and I'm all good. Not sure if that will help - I know your relationship with your D is different than your relationship with your husband. But hopefully thinking about where the resentment is coming from will help.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I feel resentment during periods of difficulty. When life is hard, I want someone to put my needs first.

The solution I've found has been to vent my feelings and then work on myself - my expectations, my feelings, my fears, sometimes simply my diet, sleep, and exercise patterns.

Usually the resolution does not lie in his hands. He tends to keep on being himself. I have to find a way to meet my own needs, and let go of the expectation that is now hurting me.

The solution you found is exactly what I am finding out now. I broke down, venting my frustration with tears and struggling as best I could to be respectful yet let him know how I was feeling.

I know things won't change, as you said he will keep being himself and keep expecting to do and have what he wants. The fact that he listened without getting angry (or at least too angry ) has made most of the resentment melt away.

Thank you

I think it's pretty normal. I had feelings of self-doubt more in the beginning of my D/s exploration. We are D/s and a primary relationship, and also his D needs are not particularly demanding, so I have it sort of easy on that front.

As far as resentment goes, while my situation is different from yours, at least for me resentment creeps up when I feel like damn, I just worked all day, got home and did all the housekeeping and then made dinner and did the dishes and got my kid bathed and into bed and you want me to do what now? For me, it wasn't that he had made some unreasonable demand (see above - he's pretty easy to please!), but that what he wanted right then was some sort of trigger that reminded me of past partners in some way. What I did was tell him, look, this is completely not your fault, but for some reason when you said x it reminded me of this person and so I got snippy. I'm really sorry. And once I figured out what was at the heart of it I didn't feel resentment anymore. And what he did - which probably doesn't sound oh so Domly - was to ask, can I do anything to help? And just his asking makes me feel appreciated and I'm all good. Not sure if that will help - I know your relationship with your D is different than your relationship with your husband. But hopefully thinking about where the resentment is coming from will help.

Thank you What you described is one of the reasons I was getting resentful--I am working many more hours now, odd shifts and still trying to make sure my family gets as much time as possible. I have been giving up sleep to have enough time to make everyone happy. So I am cranky from lack of sleep, worried about money, work stress and my PYL still wants what he wants. Usually I am ok with that, but a couple days ago I just lost it when he wanted something really rather minor. He isn't very demanding either. I was just overwhelmed by life.

I just need sleep and to visit him. We have a visit planned for next week. It's been a while so it is very much needed. (He says I just need a good beating..which may be exactly what I need. )

 

[BiBunny]

I don't know. I sort of see it differently.

I can talk to him about anything if I want, but he doesn't insist on hearing my every thought. He thinks if it's important enough, I'll mention it to him, and if I don't say anything, he assumes everything is fine.

I keep a lot of relatively unimportant things to myself because I don't want to bother him with things that are, to me, unimportant. Because of that, he knows that if I do come to him with a concern, it's something really important to me. I don't take bugging him with my feelings lightly, LOL.

It's kind of an unspoken agreement between the two of us that if it's a big enough deal that I bring it up to him. And if I think it's a big enough deal to bug him with it, then I sort of expect some action on his part, even if it's just letting me cry and petting my hair.

I'm possibly more high-maintenance than most, however.

 

[slavemarissa]

Thanks to everyone who's taking part in this thread. Thinking about it more, this is sort of what i wanted to get out of this - just to hear about different things to do with submission/slavery and how everyone does it i guess.

I would love to quote most of what has been said but i think there's a bit much and i might get repetitive.

Mylacedratedheart and MisterSir - i think i understand what you are getting at now more clearly thanks. I think that i feel the same way about micromanagement even though it would probably be useful for me.

Ecstaticsub/Zoe8 and many others - it certainly isn't off topic to me anyway, i was actually just about to ask the same thing pretty much. In my home/real life, i feel that i'm becoming more and more dominant i guess. Louder, and demanding, and selfish - which i really hate. I'm really worrying that this is going to reflect upon my relationship with Master, and i don't want it to. I struggle to know if i'm becoming to dominant around him, although its been tricky because we haven't spoken for a lil bit, but i can see my mor dominant tendencies creeping up when i'm around him, and quite frankly, i don't want them there and i wish they would f**k off. It isn't who i want to be.
Also, every now and then, i start to feel that this isn't what i actually want, or what if this happens for real and i absolutelyhate it. I don't know if other people get that - i'm still pondering if this is fantasy or real. Ir may just be to do with i've never done this for real and i'm scared.
I don't know if i've gone offtopic here but ecstaticsub said about self doubt and yes, i get it a lot, especially more recently, i don't know whether its a self-esteem thing for me, or whether it may be my true feelings - i really hope it isn't though.. A part of me thinks that all of this was just something i needed to get out of my system and its fading off leaving me a more dominant side - who knows...

Anyway

Again, thanks to everyone who is taking part in this thread. I'm finding that it is helping me grow as a person and a submissive(hopefully). It's all so interesting to see everyones different interpretations.

marissa
xxx

 

[intothewoods]

Thank you What you described is one of the reasons I was getting resentful--I am working many more hours now, odd shifts and still trying to make sure my family gets as much time as possible. I have been giving up sleep to have enough time to make everyone happy. So I am cranky from lack of sleep, worried about money, work stress and my PYL still wants what he wants. Usually I am ok with that, but a couple days ago I just lost it when he wanted something really rather minor. He isn't very demanding either. I was just overwhelmed by life.

I just need sleep and to visit him. We have a visit planned for next week. It's been a while so it is very much needed. (He says I just need a good beating..which may be exactly what I need. )

It sounds like this is also something of a poly issue, with a sprinkle of submission on top. Although with our busy lives these days, everything is a balancing act (regardless of whether you are poly or mono).

 

[ataxia.girl]

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

Last time i was with Daddy i spent a good hour doing nothing but yanking on his chest hair anytime i could get my hand close enough cuz i was just so damn frustrated i didn't know what else to do. Pleasing him was the last thing on my mind. i needed to release some tension and it wasn't even a choice i made at that point. i've never behaved like that with him before. He handled it easily.

Being free to express anger and let it out is important to me. If i can't let it out the resentment just tends to build. i wasn't angry at him. i was just angry. Too much stress, too much life, not enough me.

No... i do not think about pleasing Daddy 100% of the time.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I hope this is considered on topic..

I do not consider myself submissive. I am a submissive to just my PYL. We have been together for almost 4 years now. Just lately I have started to feel resentment about everythig always being about him. I feel I do so much without getting what I need back. I talked to him about this, which didn't make him happy to say the least. But he was glad I came to him about it. He asked me what I wanted. The thing is I don't know. I can't say what I want, it is more of an intangible.

I am hoping this is just a phase I am going through due to overwhelming stress in my family and career at this time.

Do other submissives ever have these feelings of self-doubt and resentment? Or does every other submissive always feel 100% of the time that pleasing/serving their PYL is all that matters?

I'm feeling like such a failure

Self doubts. Only all the time. Resentment. Sometimes, yes.

We're only human, after all.

Those are usually the times that I start to push. I get narky, bratty, and I carry on like the proverbial pork chop.

I often don't know what I want either, but I get squashed back into place, and am reassured.

And then I realise, that's pretty much just what I needed.