Being autistic and random stuff

[stickygirl]

I'm friends with an older woman, whose former marriage ended badly: deception, infidelity and worse, so she was traumatised by that. Two years later, she's dating a new guy and though it's early days, she's obviously smitten ( he's not the first guy to ask her on dates ). I don't want her to get hurt, so I told her try and be objective and figure out if he is honest and not stringing her along etc.

So that got me thinking. Can you be objective and be in love? Can my friend be analytical of her relationship one moment but feel a rush of love the next? The two seem incompatible to me.

What is love anyway and how do you know if you're in it? Why do NTs get all offended and say things like 'How can you not know if you love me? Are you saying you don't love me? Have you ever loved me?' when I can't actually be certain of what love is AND I suspect neither do they, but are deluding themselves. I've decided that love is a mix of sexual attraction and a sense of comfort.

 

[AchtungNight]

Autism is a very variable spectrum. I have it, my roommates both have it, my relatives have it, others here have it also.

 

[Escierto]

I'm friends with an older woman, whose former marriage ended badly: deception, infidelity and worse, so she was traumatised by that. Two years later, she's dating a new guy and though it's early days, she's obviously smitten ( he's not the first guy to ask her on dates ). I don't want her to get hurt, so I told her try and be objective and figure out if he is honest and not stringing her along etc.

So that got me thinking. Can you be objective and be in love? Can my friend be analytical of her relationship one moment but feel a rush of love the next? The two seem incompatible to me.

What is love anyway and how do you know if you're in it? Why do NTs get all offended and say things like 'How can you not know if you love me? Are you saying you don't love me? Have you ever loved me?' when I can't actually be certain of what love is AND I suspect neither do they, but are deluding themselves. I've decided that love is a mix of sexual attraction and a sense of comfort.

Romantic love is a difficult thing, full of highs and lows and always with an element of self interest. For me the only true love is the love of a parent for a child. When I held my first born in my arms, I knew that every other love paled next to this one. For her I would do anything and make any sacrifice to ensure her well being and happiness. It is the purest love.

 

[Noor]

I'm friends with an older woman, whose former marriage ended badly: deception, infidelity and worse, so she was traumatised by that. Two years later, she's dating a new guy and though it's early days, she's obviously smitten ( he's not the first guy to ask her on dates ). I don't want her to get hurt, so I told her try and be objective and figure out if he is honest and not stringing her along etc.

So that got me thinking. Can you be objective and be in love? Can my friend be analytical of her relationship one moment but feel a rush of love the next? The two seem incompatible to me.

What is love anyway and how do you know if you're in it? Why do NTs get all offended and say things like 'How can you not know if you love me? Are you saying you don't love me? Have you ever loved me?' when I can't actually be certain of what love is AND I suspect neither do they, but are deluding themselves. I've decided that love is a mix of sexual attraction and a sense of comfort.

My first reaction to this post was NTs say the weirdest things. Much of it is incomprehensible to outsiders and they have no idea.

 

[Noor]

My first reaction to this post was NTs say the weirdest things. Much of it is incomprehensible to outsiders and they have no idea.

I think love goes beyond sexual.

 

[enchantedmedow]

I'm not officially diagnosed, mostly because I have an intense fear of being taken away from the life I've been building for myself and placed back under any sort of "conservatorship" by my mother, and I do not see how an official diagnosis will help my situation greater than any chance of hinderance.

However I do truly believe I am autistic, and it has definitely made my life better to have a word for why I am the way I am.

I also never thought I was "girl-ing" properly, mostly because none of the girls around me ever really enjoyed my presence unless they too were not neurotypical. I have a lot of weird ticks and high sensitivies that have combined with years of abuse to form the mass of anxiety and paranoia I current reside at. all of which does not help my quest on making new acquaintances with people who do not just want to use my body in some way.

In that I also have been hypersexual for years, probably stemming from the wonderful combo of the autism and the abuse creating a perfect blend of need-seeking behaviors.

I am polyamorous, as I see much of love as a conscious choice you make over and over to choose people and to help and care for them. Of course for sexual loves that's usually started by sexual attraction in some way with me but I still end up choosing the person over and over again. of course I can choose multiple people, it is not much effort for me to do so, as long as they themselves also care for me in the same way.

Romance has always been difficult for me to understand. The line between a romantic relationship and a platonic relationship for me is supremely blurred, though there are certain actions I view as purely romantic, though I would never expect them to occur towards me. I always wondered if others felt the same way where a platonic or sexual love was easier to comprehend than romantic.

 

[EndCreditsPart2]

Love/romance is something I struggle with as a nature vs nurture thing. How much of what I experience is what was modeled for me by my parents, and how much is in my spectrum brain.

 

[Saint_Ann]

Isn't dolf autistic? Hmmm....

 

[stickygirl]

My first reaction to this post was NTs say the weirdest things. Much of it is incomprehensible to outsiders and they have no idea.

But at moments when we feel stressed we can come out with some show-stoppers too. The example I gave 'Have you ever loved me?' and the like, probably stem from our unswerving honesty. We're sometimes inclined to say things as they are, and that can be brutal if it's not feathered with comforting words. Instead of 'Well my feelings have changed' I might come out with 'I dunno. I'm confused by my feelings. What is love anyway?'

Our honesty can be a strength and a failure.

 

[Noor]

But at moments when we feel stressed we can come out with some show-stoppers too. The example I gave 'Have you ever loved me?' and the like, probably stem from our unswerving honesty. We're sometimes inclined to say things as they are, and that can be brutal if it's not feathered with comforting words. Instead of 'Well my feelings have changed' I might come out with 'I dunno. I'm confused by my feelings. What is love anyway?'

Our honesty can be a strength and a failure.

Good point. I tend to say what is on my mind, and that isn't always a good thing. I once answered someone who asked for a cookie I made in home ec, no. I don't like you. Unfortunately decades later this person is a good friend of another friend from high school. I still don't like her, but I've learned to just not say anything if put on the spot. It's super weird because I like most people or at least not dislike them/
In my high school lover who I was actually quite fond of that it was shame we didnt love each other after have some great sex. His response was "give it time."
My sense of time and dates can be an issue too, someone can mention that its been a couple weeks since we did something, and I will likely respond that it's been 17 days, 4 hrs, and 21 mins since then without even thinking about it. I'm not consciously keeping track. With some people who might freak out by such things I tend to just think them and not say it out loud, but when stressed I can say exactly what I am thinking.

 

[enchantedmedow]

Good point. I tend to say what is on my mind, and that isn't always a good thing. I once answered someone who asked for a cookie I made in home ec, no. I don't like you. Unfortunately decades later this person is a good friend of another friend from high school. I still don't like her, but I've learned to just not say anything if put on the spot. It's super weird because I like most people or at least not dislike them/
In my high school lover who I was actually quite fond of that it was shame we didnt love each other after have some great sex. His response was "give it time."
My sense of time and dates can be an issue too, someone can mention that its been a couple weeks since we did something, and I will likely respond that it's been 17 days, 4 hrs, and 21 mins since then without even thinking about it. I'm not consciously keeping track. With some people who might freak out by such things I tend to just think them and not say it out loud, but when stressed I can say exactly what I am thinking.

I also had the issue of being super blunt. I was told so much growing up that I should think before I speak, and that never made sense to me. Because I did think, I went through my checklist of " is it true? " And then would say so. Overtime I've learned generally which people can take the truth straight on and which need to be... I can never find a better word than coddled. Although every new person is a fun time and I often feel bad for days thinking I may have said something wrong despite going through past conversations and not seeing anything disagreeable.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

I also had the issue of being super blunt. I was told so much growing up that I should think before I speak, and that never made sense to me. Because I did think, I went through my checklist of " is it true? " And then would say so. Overtime I've learned generally which people can take the truth straight on and which need to be... I can never find a better word than coddled. Although every new person is a fun time and I often feel bad for days thinking I may have said something wrong despite going through past conversations and not seeing anything disagreeable.

I went through a phase in middle school where I bluntly said cruel things because I thought it was weird that nobody would say the obvious out loud.

Then I decided I didn’t want to be That Person and stopped cold.

Now I’m super nice to everyone I meet because I have face blindness. When I talk to someone, I can’t tell if they’re a complete stranger or an old friend I don’t recognize.

 

[stickygirl]

Growing up I always wanted to please my Mum, so I was emotionally sensitive to her guidance and criticism. If I said something blunt she would reprimand me 'Yes, but we don't say that to people' and I felt the pain of humiliation. So even when I realised someone was doing or saying something wrong, I had her boundaries of social rights and wrongs to refer to.

All the same, things would slip out. I didn't have a specific rule for 'not repeating what you heard in the theatre' and in a Shakespeare play I'd attended, an actor had held a sign that read 'Fornicator'. When I accused my elder sister, who had just started kissing a boy of being one, it didn't go down well at Sunday lunch.

I do a bit of instructing, and the structure of teaching helps. You know your students may be nervous and have limited knowledge of the subject, so when they make silly mistakes "It's okay" for that to happen. Surely everyone feels embarrassed to make mistakes, so that moment is great for offering positive criticism and encouragement.

 

[stickygirl]

Had to fight tears-from-nowhere listening to Mandinka by sinead today. I mean , fuck, I never knew her and tbh seldom thought of her but she was THERE and now she isn’t

 

[stickygirl]

I listened to a radio program that discussed the experiences of Asian musicians living in the west and playing classical European music. Apart from racial prejudice in their lives, they also found their style of playing under scrutiny.

More than one violinist described how the had to police their body language when playing: not too expressive which might look fake; not too static or else be compared to a cold robot.
“Welcome to my world!” I commented out loud.

I was darkly amused by the similarities. It begs a question about western society that prides itself on being open and forward looking but overlooks the hurdles it places on anyone who doesn’t fit the rigid criteria of being ‘normal’ and by implication, accepted.
Fern Brady made the comment that it’s NTs who are the weird ones.

I’m so grateful to have been diagnosed not simply for my own mental health but to recognise the problems other minorities face. Of course anyone, NT or ND can show empathy but being autistic has put it front and centre for me…. an analogy I can live with!

 

[Escierto]

I listened to a radio program that discussed the experiences of Asian musicians living in the west and playing classical European music. Apart from racial prejudice in their lives, they also found their style of playing under scrutiny.

More than one violinist described how the had to police their body language when playing: not too expressive which might look fake; not too static or else be compared to a cold robot.
“Welcome to my world!” I commented out loud.

I was darkly amused by the similarities. It begs a question about western society that prides itself on being open and forward looking but overlooks the hurdles it places on anyone who doesn’t fit the rigid criteria of being ‘normal’ and by implication, accepted.
Fern Brady made the comment that it’s NTs who are the weird ones.

I’m so grateful to have been diagnosed not simply for my own mental health but to recognise the problems other minorities face. Of course anyone, NT or ND can show empathy but being autistic has put it front and centre for me…. an analogy I can live with!

I really don’t think of my society as being open and forward looking. I think of it as primitive, closed and filled with prejudice and hatred.

 

[Paradox]

I'll say it again...you start the best threads.

 

[stickygirl]

I'll say it again...you start the best threads.

Thanks. It's evidently touched a chord. Honesty is often the best policy and auties seldom lie

 

[Paradox]

Thanks. It's evidently touched a chord. Honesty is often the best policy and auties seldom lie

Your threads are always so thoughtful and thought provoking, but what impresses me most is how civil the discussion is. Not typical for social media.

 

[stickygirl]

Your threads are always so thoughtful and thought provoking, but what impresses me most is how civil the discussion is. Not typical for social media.

Part of me is itching to shout 'Fuck off' and run away giggling It's not because I'm autistic, it's just because when we see a train approaching part of us thinks 'Go on - jump in front of the train' and I know everyone thinks that... right? Don't they? Maybe that's a wee bit tourettes but we can control those impulses and not look weird, but tourettes folk have to deal with humiliation every day and that sucks.

Since we're on the topic, here's a link to Lewis Capaldi at Glastonbury this year. He was struggling with his mental health in a stressful situation, so the crowd did the singing for him. I can't watch it without crying so here's sniffle trigger warning. Side note is that he was spotted chatting to Emma Watson at Wimbledon a few days later, the dirty dog

 

[Paradox]

Part of me is itching to shout 'Fuck off' and run away giggling

I'm still going to be a fan...LOL

 

[Baztrachian]

Thanks. It's evidently touched a chord. Honesty is often the best policy and auties seldom lie

True this.

Edit: A friend of mine in the spectrum says that she tells the truth because she doesn't want to clutter up her memories with lies.

 

[Baztrachian]

I'm friends with an older woman, whose former marriage ended badly: deception, infidelity and worse, so she was traumatised by that. Two years later, she's dating a new guy and though it's early days, she's obviously smitten ( he's not the first guy to ask her on dates ). I don't want her to get hurt, so I told her try and be objective and figure out if he is honest and not stringing her along etc.

So that got me thinking. Can you be objective and be in love? Can my friend be analytical of her relationship one moment but feel a rush of love the next? The two seem incompatible to me.

What is love anyway and how do you know if you're in it? Why do NTs get all offended and say things like 'How can you not know if you love me? Are you saying you don't love me? Have you ever loved me?' when I can't actually be certain of what love is AND I suspect neither do they, but are deluding themselves. I've decided that love is a mix of sexual attraction and a sense of comfort.

Love for some people is more rooted in familiarity and comfort than in romantic love. I've seen plenty of older couples who love each other but are not the least bit romantic with each other.

Conversely, I've also seen couples who radiate sexual energy but when they're not fucking they avoid each other.

 

[stickygirl]

A quick blurt that sparked off another thread.

I find looking at people's faces quite difficult. It's often said auties avoid looking you in the eyes, giving them an unfair reputation for being shifty or untrustworthy. Advice to auties is to look at another person's mouth instead of their eyes in conversation, but even that is mildly stressful. When I look at the face of someone I don't don't know too well, it feels like I'm being intrusive/rude. I don't mean staring because 'it's rude to stare' but rather that I don't feel I permission to look at their face.

I knew a guy who used to look above and past me, making me think there was maybe a big spider on the ceiling behind me. Once I learned more about what we're like, I realised he must've been on the spectrum... or maybe I am plagued by lurking spiders?

 

[EndCreditsPart2]

A quick blurt that sparked off another thread.

I find looking at people's faces quite difficult. It's often said auties avoid looking you in the eyes, giving them an unfair reputation for being shifty or untrustworthy. Advice to auties is to look at another person's mouth instead of their eyes in conversation, but even that is mildly stressful. When I look at the face of someone I don't don't know too well, it feels like I'm being intrusive/rude. I don't mean staring because 'it's rude to stare' but rather that I don't feel I permission to look at their face.

I knew a guy who used to look above and past me, making me think there was maybe a big spider on the ceiling behind me. Once I learned more about what we're like, I realised he must've been on the spectrum... or maybe I am plagued by lurking spiders?

I am very bad at making eye contact.
Unfortunately, my default for where to look is slightly downward. At the boobs.
Needless to say, I have to actively not do that.