Being autistic and random stuff

[Noor]

Autism speaks is cancer; I along with some other people on the spectrum are in the process of setting up self run outfit.
One of the big problems is that the council and other parts of the establishment insist on been "certified" fore witch has ideas that we wish to destroy, and base things on our own ideas and experience.

I’ve never saw them as cancer, but from what I remember of them they are a group of parents really have no idea what it’s like to be on the inside.

 

[Noor]

I’ve never saw them as cancer, but from what I remember of them they are a group of parents really have no idea what it’s like to be on the inside.
Autism is not a disease, it is not something that needs curing and people who have it are not dangerous.
Until recently Autism Speaks had no autistic representation on their board

 

[stickygirl]

Sometimes the last thing we need is sympathy and attention. Home is like a sanctuary and when we've had a shit day, we can often keep ourselves together just long enough to close the door on the world. I don't understand regular people who get home and tell their loved one(s) what an awful day they've had and accept their hugs and sympathy! Eeek, No!

It's called decompressing - an apt name for a spring, so wound up it's about to explode. We really don't want hugs or even to talk. Often all we need is to be alone - something that can often be misinterpreted as being sulky. Today was a bad day, but all I needed was to take a nap for twenty minutes. Other auties will have different techniques: some will stim or rock or act in ways that from the outside, can look weird or scary. So long as we're not going to harm ourselves ( or others ) then let us do our thing. Please.

There's a Scots comedian, Fern Brady, who discovered she was autistic in her late twenties. She has a book - Strong Female Character in which she tells of how she punches walls and breaks furniture when she's having a meltdown ( Proper bad day decompressing ). Here's a video of her talking about autism as well as being a stripper. NB she has quite a strong accent.

 

[coati]

Sometimes the last thing we need is sympathy and attention.

And that's one of the upsides of not living with your lover on a full-time basis.

 

[stickygirl]

And that's one of the upsides of not living with your lover on a full-time basis.

Urgh. I still burn with shame when I think of things I said to lovers when they intruded into my door-closing relief. I sometimes said such hurtful things, pushing them away. I didn't know why, didn't understand how I could be so shitty. That's why a diagnosis is SO helpful.

 

[Maturelickr]

As my wife puts it, she considers herself and other friends on the spectrum as neurofabulous. She was diagnosed @ 53 and a whole new world opened up for her and explained a lot of her needs for routine. I ask her a lot of questions and try to not question a lot of her actions. It is a daily learning experience.

 

[stickygirl]

As my wife puts it, she considers herself and other friends on the spectrum as neurofabulous. She was diagnosed @ 53 and a whole new world opened up for her and explained a lot of her needs for routine. I ask her a lot of questions and try to not question a lot of her actions. It is a daily learning experience.

I'm glad she discovered her fabulousness Up it took me about 18mths of going "Oh yea, I remember when I ..." and realising in a new light why I acted or felt a certain way. I called it re-cataloguing my library and it was a bit intrusive, but eventually I focused less on the past.

 

[Maturelickr]

I'm glad she discovered her fabulousness Up it took me about 18mths of going "Oh yea, I remember when I ..." and realising in a new light why I acted or felt a certain way. I called it re-cataloguing my library and it was a bit intrusive, but eventually I focused less on the past.

The revelations continue to pop by up

 

[ravus96]

My wife describes herself as neuro-spices, both my brother in law, and now my 9 year old daughter have been diagnosed with autism. Whilst not officially diagnosed as autistic, my wife has many of the same traits used to diagnose my daughter as autistic even if it is only a piece of her neruo-spiceness. I must admit I have never thought how this might effected and still effects our relationship together, both the emotional and physical side of things until I saw your post. To be honest I’m not sure where to even begin... our relationship never felt particularly normal but without any previous relationships to compare it with I’ve just tended to go along with the flow over the years.

 

[stickygirl]

My wife describes herself as neuro-spices, both my brother in law, and now my 9 year old daughter have been diagnosed with autism. Whilst not officially diagnosed as autistic, my wife has many of the same traits used to diagnose my daughter as autistic even if it is only a piece of her neruo-spiceness. I must admit I have never thought how this might effected and still effects our relationship together, both the emotional and physical side of things until I saw your post. To be honest I’m not sure where to even begin... our relationship never felt particularly normal but without any previous relationships to compare it with I’ve just tended to go along with the flow over the years.

An old gf of mine was quite offended when someone suggested she was on the spectrum, but she SO is. I don't know if she's looked into it more - she's not told me, but seems less prickly about it now.

There is still a lot of stigma attached, so people can be reticent to open up about it. So long as it isn't a problem to her life then that's fine. The individual has to reach out for help or to know more, not have it pushed on them.

One of the bonuses to me has to broaden my knowledge of mental health conditions generally. It's made me more tolerant of people who may be struggling underneath.

 

[ravus96]

My wife is fine about being on the spectrum, the question is where. She had a long concluded diagnosis as a child which even with my limited knowledge of mental health was a load of garbage. My wife attributes the diagnosis to her being non-verbal until the age of 6 at which point she decided to talk.

Our eldest son was diagnosed with dyspraxia at a similar age. Which again like my daughters autism my wife has and had most of the traits used to make his diagnoses... my wife’s just complicated there’s a lot more too her than a photographic memory and her ability to score an I.Q of 189 on a full Mensa test after 8 pints of cider and black.
Do no what you mean about your ex-girlfriend though, offended does not do just for the full implosion of my mother in law when my wife suggested she to might just possibly be on the spectrum as well.

 

[stickygirl]

I heard a lovely story about a young non-verbal autistic girl who'd throw a tantrum when her mother picked out something for her to wear that she didn't like. 'If you'd just tell me what you want to wear', her mother told her. Within two weeks she was speaking fluently: she just needed an incentive to talk!

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

I heard a lovely story about a young non-verbal autistic girl who'd throw a tantrum when her mother picked out something for her to wear that she didn't like. 'If you'd just tell me what you want to wear', her mother told her. Within two weeks she was speaking fluently: she just needed an incentive to talk!

When my kids were toddlers I’d always give them a choice of what to wear: “Do you want the dinosaur shirt today, or the ducky one?”

Just letting them pick between two alternatives made getting them dressed so much easier!

 

[ravus96]

It was the right person with my wife, the girl who showed her round her new school. She was talking fluently by the end of the day apparently. I can vouch For them still best friends today.

 

[stickygirl]

I read about 'sticky thinking' in an article today. Good to know there are other sticky thinkers

 

[stickygirl]

Interesting article. Having heard ‘you worry too much’ so often when I go through ‘if, then, else’ scenarios is not over-thinking but trying to feel more prepared (& consequently, less anxious) about the uncertainty in a situation.

Oh good, you picked up intolerance of uncertainty. I'm trying to understand that in myself and currently I'm thinking it's situations where I know I'll have problems/uncertainties to solve but I can't start on them yet. Get so stressed, though I enjoy actually working through the problems. Weird huh?

 

[stickygirl]

For me, it’s preempting what could happen, thinking things through so that - while something unexpected might happen - I am as prepared as I can be. I have been laughed at: ‘I don’t know what you were worrying about?’ completely missing that it was not worry so much as just feeling thoroughly prepared and, therefore, calm in my own mind.
Something that drives me up the wall when asking something quite important: ‘It should be OK?’

You must know my friend Justin Should! You just have to do that and it should be okay.

Yes, the need to be prepared is so demanding given that we hate the unexpected, unplanned, unknown. It makes me so anxious, even if it's a nice thing that I've done before. I can't put my analogy finger on it but maybe it's like Russian dolls: plan for that, but there's another one inside, plan for that...

 

[stickygirl]

Be kind to yourself. I used to force myself to go to social gatherings but now I don't. Last night I left after an hour; didn't say goodbye ( because then they insist you must meet this person and NO you can't go yet it's just started ). I took a huge gulp of air outside, drank it into my lungs in relief.

Crap things about social gatherings
- I can't hear what people say against background noise
- you can't have an in depth convo when you're shouting to make yourself heard
- if there's food, how long has it been sitting before it appeared?
- People insist on hugging 'hello'
- I can't sip at drinks and am known for having got shit faced because I was bored
- I only used to go because I felt guilty if I didn't and people would judge me
- I can't dance. Like the song "No one asks me for dances because I only know how to flail."

Why do you hate parties and more importantly, what excuses do you use to avoid them? We could swap ideas here.

 

[stickygirl]

I hope Bramblethorn won't mind me lifting an excellent post from another thread. It responds beautifully to the head-pat of being told "just be you".

ADHD often comes with time-blindness. But also, people with ADHD often find it difficult to start things, even when they know what the time is and know the thing needs to be done. Executive function disorders are a bitch that way.



"Just being you", you say...

As an undiagnosed-autistic kid, like most autistic kids, I went through several decades of immersion training on not being me. Before I was a teenager, I learned that my natural body language was making people uncomfortable and I needed to change it. I loved to swing my arms excessively while I was walking; I stopped doing that. I found it easier to concentrate on what people were saying if I wasn't looking at them; they found that disrespectful and dishonest; I put a lot of effort into making eye contact even if it meant I could no longer absorb what they were saying. When I talked too much about the topics that fascinated me, I was being weird and obsessive; I learned to suppress that enthusiasm and monitor my own excitement. When I wanted to spend my lunch reading quietly, that was wrong; I was supposed to be out socialising with kids who had no interest in what interested me.

(I wrote "excessively" there. It wasn't excessive for me! It was natural and happy and it wasn't hurting anybody. But when you're trained incessantly that such things are bad and your duty is to fit in, inevitably you end up internalising a lot of that.)

LC mentioned in another thread that when you grow up in an abusive household, you learn to walk silently so as not to attract attention. Autistic kids tend to pick up something similar, but on a social level.

By the time we realise that perhaps we're not the standard model human, and that this is okay, and that we should just be ourselves... "just be you" is a distant vaguely-remembered land, maybe thirty, forty, fifty years in the past.

Trying to undo several decades of conditioning and figure out who we might have been without it... that's a long hard journey. It's a lot of work and it comes with a lot of grief over thinking about things that could've been. I've known I was autistic for something like fifteen years now, and I still find myself having to think back to decades-old interactions and reevaluate them in that lens of "what if not everything was your fault for being Weird?"

And even then, "just being you" will get you in trouble a lot of the time. When I'm talking to a stranger, I still have to worry about whether they're going to judge me by the things I say or by whether I'm making the right amount of eye contact. If I actually say I'm autistic, so many people will instantly make assumptions about what I can and can't do, based on some stereotype or on the one autistic person they know or on a movie where a non-autistic actor played a non-autistic writer's idea of an autistic person. (Or worse; some people believe truly awful things about autism.)

I do some workplace mentoring, both of autistic employees and of people who manage them. One of the things that comes up a lot is that somebody will tell their boss "I'm autistic", and the boss will say "okay, just let me know what you need", and the autistic person won't be able to answer that question because it's the first time any manager has asked them sincerely and meant it. Even when they do know what they need, they're often reluctant to ask for even the tiniest things because they've learned that asking for their own needs to be met is bad.

Having that label gives some reassurance that maybe there is something to be gained by putting in all that work, and that we won't be alone on that journey.

 

[burgwad]

What a cool thread. I'm still kind of wrapping my head around all of this. Only in the last few days have I suddenly (at age 36) realized how much sense an ASD diagnosis makes for my life story.

Ironically, my partner and I have recently been trying (on and off for a couple years, actually) to convince her sister, who lives downstairs from us and struggles mightily with life, that she might benefit from an ASD diagnosis. I won't go into the particulars of her presentation. Suffice to say, it's conspicuous to those of us who know and love her. Our intentions have been good, I know this in my heart, but she has maintained that she just isn't sure, she feels a little insulted, and that the very notion of an ASD diagnosis makes her uncomfortable.

Now all of a sudden I get where my partner's sister is coming from. It's definitely not a matter of slapping my hand on my forehead and going "Duh, I have autism!" It's such an abstract diagnosis. People who claim to understand it best seem always to say, "You don't understand ASD, you can't understand ASD, it is an unknowable mystery to all but those who are ASD, etc." Sure, there's an epiphanic quality to realizing you align with the diagnostic criteria, but there is not (or has not for me been) that same sudden, snapping sensation of realization. Instead, there is a lot of internal hemming and hawing. There's anxiety about making that leap, coming out to loved ones, imagining a future where I inform colleagues and employers that I am ASD, figuring out how to navigate the various kinds of reactions that is sure to elicit... Yikes.

I could ramble endlessly on this. I'm probably ASD, after all, and psychology is one of my special obsessions (hence my instant, unabashed brain-crush on newcomer and fellow mental health clinician @LittleLilyCanWrite). But I don't know quite where I'm actually headed with this, autobiographically speaking. Is it okay to believe I'm ASD, believe in my heart that I am, but still skip the (reportedly very expensive) screening and only ever tell a handful of highly trusted people?

Let me frame this another way: What if you were ASD and you were seeing a counselor who, unbeknownst to you, was ASD? Would you rather they disclose that, and own it? Or would you understand their own personal need for discretion?

ASD is just suuuch a misunderstood diagnosis. Yes, I am mostly confident it suits me. And I personally find the ASD community a beautiful, warm, welcoming one. But I am not emotionally or socially prepared to wear the yoke of that f***ing label.

Apologies for the formless ventilation of thoughts and feelings. There is a very good chance I will have offended somebody already, and I'm sorry for that. I'm all over the place. I just keep having all these realizations.

And oh my god, my writing. My latest piece, "Momscrolling," was disastrously received. It is currently clawing its way back from a <2 out of 5 rating. I could have sworn it was beautifully written. I wouldn't have published it otherwise. But it is, in hindsight, probably one of the most ASD things I have ever written or read (and I read "The Secret In The Basement" by Nick Smith!). No wonder people hated it! But I can look at it with new eyes, and rather than feeling embarrassed all over again, I actually feel good. Heartened. I think it's a really strong, beautiful piece. I don't mean to turn this post into a plug for my work, but I welcome anyone ASD-curious to give Momscrolling a look--especially if you've already seen it--and tell me if you can feel the ASD vibes radiating off of this piece (and the Daughter character in particular).

Okay. Abruptly ending this post. Thank you for letting me into your little club.

 

[stickygirl]

You're most welcome. A couple of thoughts from what you've writen.

You still have reservations about accepting the diagnosis, but why not treat is as a hypothesis? For the sake of discussion, lets say you are autistic - how would that help you? I can only tell you how it helped me, but I don't think it's a unique experience.
Firstly I obsessively read books and watched videos about the topic. I needed the facts to make an informed judgement. Along the way, I had so many light-bulb moments, so many memories I revisited and examined in a new light...'Oh maybe that's why the teacher made that comment that has plagued me with guilt for twenty years? Now I get it!'
From blogs I found on Reddit's community, people typically take about 18mths to work through that process of light-bulb moments. It can be disconcerting but it does pass.
It's process I found helpful, not the label. Along the way, I began to be more forgiving on my short-comings. I give myself permission to leave the party early if I'm stressed by it, or go to a different supermarket because I hate the lighting in my local one. Instead of forcing myself into square pegs, I found round ones instead.

You're s-i-law's situation is common too. Autism is still stigmatised, though I believe people's understanding of it is improving. An old gf of mine was clearly on the spectrum and a previous partner had suggested it to her. She took great offence to it, but I think she's slowly come round to accepting it. When I told her about my diagnosis, I think it helped too.

You made me laugh with your comment about a therapist being autistic, because mine admitted she was after giving me her concluding observations. I immediately thought she'd projected her autism onto me, something I later told her. Despite my reaction, I trusted her enough to investigate this whole autism thing by myself. Then the clouds parted and out came the sun

Good luck and thank you for posting. Feel free to come back - you might be helping the next person.

 

[LittleLilyCanWrite]

I'm probably ASD, after all, and psychology is one of my special obsessions (hence my instant, unabashed brain-crush on newcomer and fellow mental health clinician @LittleLilyCanWrite)

And yet you haven’t slid into my DMs? Gosh. How gentlemanly of you.

I thought Mom-scrolling was going to be funny. The title sort of made me think so, and the only other thing of yours I've read (your Complete List of Rules) was a humorous work. But it was not remotely funny. It was horrifying.

• Commenters may have complained about the format, but I didn't mind it that much. I read it on my phone, which gave my scroll finger a workout but otherwise was probably preferable to seeing it all stretched out across my monitor. The way you decided to tell the story reminded me of a French film whose title escapes me at the moment. I liked it. I have a high tolerance for not knowing what the fuck is going on. Maybe that's another psych nerd thing you and I share? Kind of interesting hypothesis. Worth exploring.
• As for whether it was erotic or not? Well. I hated the incest. I found the sex scenes to be horrific. I felt so bad for the characters, regardless of how happy they were. And yet.
• I also found it impossible to look away. As soon as the sexual tension broke, the writing suddenly turned florid, cathartic, and even poetic, and it kind of carried me away. I melted at "she sees her as brightly as the night is dark," it was just such a sweet sentiment, even if it was nested in a nightmare scenario. But that's just one of several lines that stood out to me. You're a wizard, Harry!
• As a work of pure erotica, it's probably awful? I don't know. I have never written erotica. I do not pretend to understand how to write it. So I am probably a poor judge of "good" erotica.
• Taken as a work of horror, though, it was amazing, and I will die on that hill. This story is pure torture. Like for instance, am I correct in assuming that Dad and Daughter secretly resume their affair upon his return home? You drop hints here and there. It makes sense, too, given their past secrecy, and given Mom's tendency to willfully ignore it. I love that you never confirm or deny this for the reader. This makes the scene in the kitchen where they double-gaslight Mom so sickening.
• Your writing gets so intense when it wants to. Maybe you're still learning how to write whatever "erotica" is, and I'll be interested to hear what others think if they have the stomach to get through it, but I think you have an undeniable talent. It would be a shame if you took the low ratings to heart and stopped writing such weird shit, burgwad. Stay intense. You have at least one reader who appreciates it.
• As for the ASD that you say "radiates" from this work? Even after all this, I still can't say. It's easy to imagine that only someone neurodivergent would format a story this long in such a strange way, but it hardly seems fair to jump straight to the conclusion that the author must be autistic, especially given the level of execution. But I don't know. I see the obsessiveness. I see the "bloat" you described. But I don't see incontrovertible evidence for autism.
• I do agree that the Daughter reads believably as ASD. Unfortunately. This only makes her parents' total disregard for her psychosexual boundaries that much more disturbing. But then you've also admitted you didn't write her ASD on purpose, so I'm not convinced she needs the diagnosis to make sense as a character.
• Um. Should I have posted this in my Psych thread? Or is it confusing that I'm leaving it here, in an Autism thread? I'm new enough to this forum that I don't really know the proper etiquette. Fwiw, I too am ASD.

Question for everybody here: Do any of you have works on Literotica that you think "radiate" ASD like burgwad believes Mom-scrolling does? I might be interested in taking a look, if that's okay! ASD is a diagnosis I never tire of learning about, and that in fact I feel obliged to study continuously for fear I'll never fully grasp what it means.

 

[LittleLilyCanWrite]

You made me laugh with your comment about a therapist being autistic, because mine admitted she was after giving me her concluding observations. I immediately thought she'd projected her autism onto me, something I later told her. Despite my reaction, I trusted her enough to investigate this whole autism thing by myself. Then the clouds parted and out came the sun

Fwiw, I disclose to my clients that I am ASD during the informed consent conversation (ie, our first billed session). By this point, I have already performed intake, and so given them a sense of our potential chemistry; but it's also still early enough in our relationship that I don't have to worry about blindsiding them. That said, the choice to not disclose is a valid one, too.

Sticky, it sounds like your therapist went with the "blindside" option. Bold move. Glad to hear it didn't completely thwart your trust in her.

 

[Bramblethorn]

When learning about the diagnosis, we sat down and researched together. It was at a time in my life, where I was largely ignorant to autism. I never considered it, ever. I was typically misinformed about it. Thoughts of rainman and the kid in my grade that didn't talk and covered his ears when he heard a loud noise. I had no idea of the nuances and misunderstanding of daily life with autism. The more I learned, the more it blew me away. I had no idea.

Something that makes me cranky:

Raymond, the autistic character in Rain Man, is played by Dustin Hoffman. A fine actor, not to my knowledge autistic.

The film was directed by Barry Levinson, written by Barry Morrow and Ronald Bass. As far as I know, none of them autistic. (Morrow is a member of the Autism Society of America; I'm not familiar with it but from its wiki entry, looks to be a similar org to Autism Speaks, dominated by non-autistic parents/etc. and previously associated with "conversion therapy" and vaccine myths.)

Raymond was based on two real people: Bill Sackter (intellectually disabled, AFAICT not autistic) and Kim Peek (savant). At the time Rain Man was made, Peek had been diagnosed as autistic, but later research indicated he probably had a different condition called FG condition instead.

So when I was growing up, most people's ideas of autism (including mine) were formed largely by a movie with no actual autistic influences to speak of. No wonder so many of us took so long to realise we might be autistic.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Question for everybody here: Do any of you have works on Literotica that you think "radiate" ASD like burgwad believes Mom-scrolling does? I might be interested in taking a look, if that's okay! ASD is a diagnosis I never tire of learning about, and that in fact I feel obliged to study continuously for fear I'll never fully grasp what it means.

Lily and others over on the Authors' Hangout are already no doubt tired of aware of my story Anjali's Red Scarf, but I'll mention it here as a story that was definitely intended to radiate autism. (Early chapters refer to "Aspergers" because I started it quite a while back, before my terminology preferences changed.)

FWIW, I generally don't self-describe as "ASD" except in very specific situations where a formal medical label is required, because I have complicated feelings about the "D".