Cheating: Would you? Have you?

[ickle_stace]

Hey, Batman. I've lost track of the months. Is your baby here yet?

I'm of the opinion that the infertility was an excuse--a really lame excuse for her to do something that she wanted to do anyway.

About the children issue--my hubby and I get pregnant with out 3 1/2 year old on the first cycle that we made a serious effort; her little sister came along just under 13 months later, so my hubby's fertility treatments were obviously successful!

His ex's BF (now husband, I guess) has four children with his ex. After trying since her early 20's, my hubby's ex finally got pregnant in her mid-30's--after she'd all but given up trying. Her son was born last fall.

yeah, sounds like she was just using it as an excuse then if you and your hubby managed to have kids so easily! I hate it when people try and make excuses for their cheating. they cheated they're the guilty party, they shouldn't try use excuses such as not having kids, it's not right

 

[Eilan]

yeah, sounds like she was just using it as an excuse then if you and your hubby managed to have kids so easily! I hate it when people try and make excuses for their cheating. they cheated they're the guilty party, they shouldn't try use excuses such as not having kids, it's not right

My hubby did have to have surgery to repair a varicocele that was affecting his sperm production. At one point pre-surgery he was almost sterile. His sperm were healthy, but there just weren't that many of them. The surgery upped his count to the low end of normal.

Pre-tubal, I was very, very fertile, so that helped us, too.

At one point, my hubby's ex thought that she might be pregnant. Problem was, she didn't know whether it belonged to my hubby or her BF. My hubby said something to the effect of, "If you're pregnant, I want to do DNA testing after the baby's born. If it's not mine, I'll still raise it. [They'd considered donor insemination at one time, anyway.] If you decide you want to leave with the baby, I won't stop you. If it's my child, though, don't think you're leaving with it."

She was relieved to get her period. That was when she started insisting on separate bedrooms and saving up money so she could get a place of her own.

 

[ickle_stace]

My hubby did have to have surgery to repair a varicocele that was affecting his sperm production. At one point pre-surgery he was almost sterile. His sperm were healthy, but there just weren't that many of them. The surgery upped his count to the low end of normal.

Pre-tubal, I was very, very fertile, so that helped us, too.

At one point, my hubby's ex thought that she might be pregnant. Problem was, she didn't know whether it belonged to my hubby or her BF. My hubby said something to the effect of, "If you're pregnant, I want to do DNA testing after the baby's born. If it's not mine, I'll still raise it. [They'd considered donor insemination at one time, anyway.] If you decide you want to leave with the baby, I won't stop you. If it's my child, though, don't think you're leaving with it."

She was relieved to get her period. That was when she started insisting on separate bedrooms and saving up money so she could get a place of her own.

he sounds like a very caring man, just a good job she found someone else and let him find someone who treats him right

 

[Cathleen]

I usually assume there's something wrong with those who cheat, and then with the relationship. Cheating is a choice to risk hurting others, just like drunk driving or helping a criminal; at the very least, there's something wrong with their integrity and judgement, and I'd consider "I just like to cheat" sociopathic, or the same as, "I just like hurting people." Even if the person being cheated on doesn't know, I thoroughly doubt the health of a relationship when at least one of the people displays the behaviors or personality traits of a cheater because they have to affect other areas as well. That's just my take on it.

I agree wholeheartedly. There is the issue of personal character, integrity and honesty. To cheat because you like it sounds terrible to me. Given the definition of cheating and then adding because I like it makes my head spin. I'm not sure I can grasp that. I smash window because I like it -- I kick your shin because I like it -- I can't make it work in my mind. Which is fine with me.

It's called cheating for a reason. You cannot cheat if the behavior is permissable by the couple's definitions. If a comittment/vow has been made then there is an expectation of accountability and trust. Again, if there's no comittment or vow then no problem.

Someone mentioned affairs and families (Mr.Mann I believe) and the effects of an affair. I am one to believe that our actions effect children no matter if they know about the behavior or not... not always but often. I think our beliefs are expressed in actions so if one honors honesty then that is exhibited consciously (and perhaps unconsciously). I think the reverse is true as well.

I grew up with ''Do as I say not as I do'' and nothing got by any of us... we saw it. I still see it in our lives today but I do my best and when I go against a personal belief I state why I am doing so - at least to myself and most likely to the other people involved.

I had an experience recently when I my niece and I discussed a situation. I looked at her and said ''I can't believe I'm going to say this but I think you should lie." I was talking about lying to her parents. We talked about that - the lying - and she said no, it wasn't a good idea. I agreed and felt badly I even mentioned it. I was reminded of that saying "Do as I say..." So interesting where my lessons come from.

 

[Norajane]

I agree wholeheartedly. There is the issue of personal character, integrity and honesty. To cheat because you like it sounds terrible to me. Given the definition of cheating and then adding because I like it makes my head spin. I'm not sure I can grasp that. I smash window because I like it -- I kick your shin because I like it -- I can't make it work in my mind. Which is fine with me.

When I think of someone who cheats because s/he likes it and there's nothing else wrong with the relationship, I always think there are some internal issues they haven't yet resolved for themselves. Maybe he needed more attention from his mother as a child, or he likes how it makes him feel like superman when he cheats, or she doesn't want to think of her husband's dick being the only dick she'll 'ever' have anymore, or she needs the validation of knowing she's attractive to other guys - there's always a reason.

I could be wrong. But, to me, cheating means knowingly choosing to do something for yourself that hurts your partner and the whole relationship. I just don't think people who love each other choose that unless they're messed up in some way, even if they don't see it.

 

[Eilan]

Here's a quote from another thread:

It is very easy for those not mired in a long-term relationship to pass judgement, particularly where children our concerned. Women should not be made to feel in any way immoral for their attraction to married men. In fact, monogamy is not particularly natural to begin with. I know as a married man I struggle with the impulse to stray on a daily basis. I don't feel that this makes me less committed to my family, but rather puts me in touch with a natural human compulsion to experience new lovers, and therefore excitement. No doubt women feel this urge too.

I see the "monogamy isn't natural to begin with" argument being bandied about quite often around Lit. Thoughts? Comments?

 

[midwestyankee]

Here's a quote from another thread:

It is very easy for those not mired in a long-term relationship to pass judgement, particularly where children our concerned. Women should not be made to feel in any way immoral for their attraction to married men. In fact, monogamy is not particularly natural to begin with. I know as a married man I struggle with the impulse to stray on a daily basis. I don't feel that this makes me less committed to my family, but rather puts me in touch with a natural human compulsion to experience new lovers, and therefore excitement. No doubt women feel this urge too.

I see the "monogamy isn't natural to begin with" argument being bandied about quite often around Lit. Thoughts? Comments?

To begin with, what does "natural" mean? If "natural" has anything to do with our more primitive states, then we're going to have a problem in this discussion. Those who argue that monogamy (and thus marriage) are not natural seem to want their arguments to stand on the basis that in our primitive states we acted more or less instinctively in ways that favored our survival. Thus men are believed to have been quite promiscuous in order to spread around lots of seed. Women are presumed to have been monogamous and protective of their young for similarly survival-oriented reasons. Some of these ideas make sense, but to evaluate a modern behavior pattern on the basis of "naturalness" when "natural" is defined as that which was common and necessary during primitive times is a weak and dangerous position.

It's hardly natural to propel 4,000 pounds of steel and other man-made materials down a striped ribbon of man-made stone at 70 miles per hour. Doing so with anything less than perfect attention and highly refined reflexes is dangerous. Since such dangerous activities do not promote the survival of the species, then the naturalists ought to be decrying the use of the automobile with every bit as much vehemence as they save for marriage.

It's not exactly "natural" to stare at an electronic device that projects colored shadows on a glass surface for hours on end. Wouldn't such complacency leave us vulnerable to fleet-footed predators as well as muscular degeneration? Where's the indignation of the naturalists? Have they not seen that the unnatural devotion of our time to television, video entertainment, and other such activities fails to contribute to the survival of the species? I suppose that filmed porn is an exception to this since it stimulates our prurient interests and therefore may conceivably contribute to the continuation of the species.

Natural, it seems to me, is any behavior that promotes the harmonious progress from one generation to the next. If anyone can show me how committed monogramous relationships do not accomplish this end, I'd be glad to listen.

 

[bean_411]

Yes he is here!!!!!!!

Hey, Batman. I've lost track of the months. Is your baby here yet?

Hello this is Batman's Fiance and yes he was born on 2/23 at 5pm and a whopping 9lbs. Baby and I are fine and thank you for asking. I'll make sure Batman gets back with you!!!!!!

 

[Eilan]

Hello this is Batman's Fiance and yes he was born on 2/23 at 5pm and a whopping 9lbs. Baby and I are fine and thank you for asking. I'll make sure Batman gets back with you!!!!!!

Congratulations!

 

[bean_411]

Congratulations!

Thanks !!!!!

 

[Cathleen]

Hello this is Batman's Fiance and yes he was born on 2/23 at 5pm and a whopping 9lbs. Baby and I are fine and thank you for asking. I'll make sure Batman gets back with you!!!!!!

Congratulations to you all. Lots of health and happiness always.

 

[bean_411]

Thank you to everbody on LIT

Congratulations to you all. Lots of health and happiness always.

Thank you to all!!!!!

 

[eudaemonia]

I guess I voted but didn't blab, so heeeerree we go:

IF kissing another boy in high school while my bf was away at college is considered cheating, then I cheated. Otherwise, no. Never.

Lusted in my heart a few times, OMG yes. And I've been cheated on, but I've never cheated. Couldn't handle it.

My feeling is, if things have gotten to that point such that the pact to communicate communicate communicate broke down a long time ago, then we need to retrench and reconnect, pronto, or separate for a while.

Maybe that sounds harsh, but ...

 

[M's girl]

I guess I voted but didn't blab, so heeeerree we go:

IF kissing another boy in high school while my bf was away at college is considered cheating, then I cheated. Otherwise, no. Never.

Lusted in my heart a few times, OMG yes. And I've been cheated on, but I've never cheated. Couldn't handle it.

My feeling is, if things have gotten to that point that the pact to communicate communicate communicate broke down a long time ago, then we need to retrench and reconnect, pronto, or separate for a while.

Maybe that sounds harsh, but ...

Not to me, I totally agree.

I never cheated. Probably never will, it's just sooooo NOT my style.
Have been cheated on...... I would say you only need to experience that one time with someone you truelly love and you will never do that yourself to someone else...

 

[LindaL]

I soooo don't want to go there.

 

[WyldChylde]

Done it... karma's a BITCH...

Never again.

 

[eudaemonia]

Have been cheated on...... I would say you only need to experience that one time with someone you truelly love and you will never do that yourself to someone else...

Since it's still Sunday where I live, all I can say is "A-freaking-men, sister!"

 

[M's girl]

Since it's still Sunday where I live, all I can say is "A-freaking-men, sister!"

.........

 

[Gypsy_Lis]

Always been cheated on...that hurt like fuck. So I would not cheat on anyone because the pain was too great and it is not my style.

 

[hippyfreak]

i voted never. i love my SO way too much to hurt her like that. i have slept with other women, but since we talked about it ahead of time (times she went away for a while) it wasnt cheating. its all about communication and trust. i hope i never get to the point where i cant tell her something, weather it that i want to fuck someone else, or even that we have to break up. not talking is always worse than talking, no matter how hard. and yeah the kid thing could make a big difference. one of the reasons i got a vasectomy.

 

[Xectxny19X]

well...my major principle would be that I wouldn't cheat under any circumstances, but I voted for the I don't know yet.

I haven't been exclusive w/ anyone. So I wouldn't know. Until I am exclusive w/ someone & then the opportunity to cheat comes up...then I can truly take a stand on this.

 

[Jo_Huntz]

I have cheated. Two separate times with two different friends that stayed with me while Wife was out of town. More a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time than actually setting out to cheat.

I'd like to think I'll never do it again.

 

[INeedLove]

Preface-I didn't read all of the posts-but this is a touchy subject for me. This is my opinion.

I would never cheat, ever. EVER!

My marriage dissolved two years ago. I didn't see the divorce coming. Looking back-I should have. (I kick myself over that). Sex was mostly gone. When sex did happen, it was about him getting off. Then he decided he wanted to improve himself. He got contacts. He started to whiten his teeth. He lost weight. He started getting up in the middle of the night-and got online. Then he bought a laptop, which he never left at home. As I look back, I accuse myself of being a dimwit for not putting 2 and 2 together.

Then, he suddenly told me he didn't love me anymore and would never be able to love me again. My world shattered. I was blindsided. I offered counseling, trial seperation, moving to a new city, everything to try to heal. He was done. Why? Because he had been cheating on me online. He never "met" anyone so he doesn't consider it cheating. However, he exchanged intimate emails. He planned on getting together with her eventually.

So, you see, I think cheating is very hurtful. If you say you still love your spouse but you just aren't getting enough sex so it's okay, I say bullshit. If you truly love them and are committed, you would avoid cheating because it would devastate the spouse. If you are thinking of cheating-STOP! Put the mental energy into figuring out how to fix your marriage. A few orgasms are not worth it.

Darn! I feel like I'm in a confessional and I'm not catholic anymore, lol.

 

[Batman4ever71]

INeedLove ~

I know exactly how you feel. I lost two wives that way. Your not alone!!
Even though I had plenty of chances to cheat, knowing that they were cheating....I didn't take them. I applaud your courage.

Batman

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Karma

Personally think cheating is too much like hard work. If I want to be with someone, I'm with them and that's it. If I don't then I'll say so.

They say that 'A hard truth is easier than an easy lie.'

Plus I'd like to think that Karma'll see to me being treated the same in return.

Velvet