Cheating: Would you? Have you?

[Cockyfox]

First, I'd like to think I wouldn't be a cheater, but never say never.
If my honey cheated on me, there would be broken glass somewhere and a very handsome man running for his life. (i keed, i keed)

Flirting is not cheating. I'm a flirt, not a cheat. My honey flirts. We both flirt. It gives him an ego boost and it helps my confidence, too.
As long as you're not humping anything, what's wrong with that?

 

[flamesofdesire]

Since I have been married I have never cheated, and do not want to ever cheat on my husband. Temptations can arise if you let it linger in your mind, but I always get my head together and RUN from such situations.

 

[boston_bbw]

So if you are emotionally involved with someone (I'm talkimng beyong just good friends) and not physically without your spouses knowledge can that still be cheating? I guess I am maybe involved with someone who is both physically and emotionally cheating on his SO but for me it isn't. He is lying and sneaking not me. Not that it feels much better knowing I am allowing him to do it.

 

[FallenAngelsSlut]

i haven't and wouldn't, If I felt I wanted to I wouldn't be in the relationship I am in now. Plus I would get me ass beat black and Blue!!!
Due to my job I am gone away from home...I wouldn't care if she does just as long as I don't find out about it, I have told her that but I don't think she believes me or that I could use it as an excuse latter if I cheated on her.

I once knew this girl that super glued her B/Fs cock to his belly while he was sleeping, I think that if really great though...

 

[DLL]

What if you're decietful in a non-sexual way?

define that a bit furthur.....

 

[SweetErika]

I can see the difference between adultery and cheating, and I agree there is a difference. However, for us, I can bundle the both in the same basket. Because 'cheating with permission' is not something that either of us are willing to consider.

I have a really hard time with this 'cheating with permission' concept. 'Cheat' is a word that implies no permission/consent/support, so I feel cheating with permission is an oxymoron and impossible. I do understand how our society labels any extramarital activity as cheating though, and that's been a hard association for my husband and I to break.

I voted 'I never will' because I don't have any reason to cheat. If I want emotional or sexual relations outside my marriage, I only have two choices (provided we've already worked on the issue(s) and agreed there won't be a change): to get my husbands consent or to end our relationship. Likewise, he has the right to decide to give/decline consent, or leave. [Of course this goes both ways; I'm just using 'I' to simplify here] We've talked about this at length, and agree we're friends before/above anything else; friendship requires respect, and giving each other the choice is the only respectful way to go.

 

[Mr. Mann]

I have a really hard time with this 'cheating with permission' concept. 'Cheat' is a word that implies no permission/consent/support, so I feel cheating with permission is an oxymoron and impossible. I do understand how our society labels any extramarital activity as cheating though, and that's been a hard association for my husband and I to break.

I voted 'I never will' because I don't have any reason to cheat. If I want emotional or sexual relations outside my marriage, I only have two choices (provided we've already worked on the issue(s) and agreed there won't be a change): to get my husbands consent or to end our relationship. Likewise, he has the right to decide to give/decline consent, or leave. [Of course this goes both ways; I'm just using 'I' to simplify here] We've talked about this at length, and agree we're friends before/above anything else; friendship requires respect, and giving each other the choice is the only respectful way to go.

BINGO!

Very well said!

:applause: :applause: :applause:

 

[bean_411]

Interesting.

As I write this... it is basically 50/50

7 have cheated
1 would if they could
8 say they have not/would not

It would be interesting to hear from anyone who may have been a "have not/would not" who later became a "have".

Not getting into a star bellied sneetch thing... but it would be interesting to hear about the situaiton; thought process; circumstances; etc. etc. that brought about the transition.

With cheating figures as high as they are believed to be... I'm convinced that the majority of people who have cheated are people who at one time would have believed that thay'd never do such a thing.

I actually fall in to that category. I was a have not/would not till I was cheated on and as soon as I found out I went out and cheated, but I broke up with the person the next day and told them all about it. So I guess it turned into a revenge thing for me. I have since turned back into would never do again. I felt like crap after it even though he cheated on me first.

 

[hdlynnette]

Emotionally, I have cheated. Physically, no.

Would I? I honestly don't know. If I were in a happier marriage, no way would I take a chance on messing that up. It would really depend on the man and the situation.

 

[warrior queen]

looking at the poll so far, i'd say a good 50% of people cheat.

so, what's the problem, exactly?

and yes, i have.

 

[Mr. Mann]

It seems that generally, if a person's primary relationship is going well and thier needs are being met, then there isn't much temptation to seek something from outside of that relationship.

However, when things aren't going well, then people tend to look to have their needs met somewhere else.

 

[ickle_stace]

i know this probably sounds really judgemental, but if someone is so unhappy with their current relationship that they have to cheat, i don't understand why they stay in the relationship they're in.

I can't ever see me cheating, because the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach, I'd rather express my unhappiness to my partner, and either it gets sorted, i live with it but still stay faithful, or the relationship ends, i'd never cheat on a person i love, just as i'd expect the partner in question to treat me with the same respect

 

[SpankyMcCranky]

Me:
My boyfriend and I got together at the end of school. Last year I had a dream and realised I was also in love with a boy I've known since we were 13. It took me until December and a very bad drunken experience to get over it. Nothing sexual ever happened, but from my boyfriend's perspective it was pretty unfair. He knew about it, but it was just something I had to work out over time. (Another good thing that came out of it is I'm never drinking again.)

Also last year, I kissed another boy. I knew that it was the wrong thing to do, but I did it anyway. I did feel bad, and told my boyfriend a couple of weeks later. We worked it out. It had just gotten to that stage (around 7 months) that I started to freak out thinking 'what if I'm never with another person again! I want to have fun!'. I think it was just something I had to get out of my system.

I don't know if my point (if I even have one) is getting across. I just had to work some things out. A relationship (at least mine) goes through phases. I know now that I don't need to do naughty things like that, and that there's plenty of opportunity for naughty things to happen within our relationship.

That said, I can't promise I'll never do it again. But I know that if I did I couldn't expect him to forgive me again, so that's motivation not to.

Some of you may think that these things make me an immoral, bad person, but that's just how I am.

 

[Norajane]

Me:
My boyfriend and I got together at the end of school. Last year I had a dream and realised I was also in love with a boy I've known since we were 13. It took me until December and a very bad drunken experience to get over it. Nothing sexual ever happened, but from my boyfriend's perspective it was pretty unfair. He knew about it, but it was just something I had to work out over time. (Another good thing that came out of it is I'm never drinking again.)

Also last year, I kissed another boy. I knew that it was the wrong thing to do, but I did it anyway. I did feel bad, and told my boyfriend a couple of weeks later. We worked it out. It had just gotten to that stage (around 7 months) that I started to freak out thinking 'what if I'm never with another person again! I want to have fun!'. I think it was just something I had to get out of my system.

I don't know if my point (if I even have one) is getting across. I just had to work some things out. A relationship (at least mine) goes through phases. I know now that I don't need to do naughty things like that, and that there's plenty of opportunity for naughty things to happen within our relationship.

That said, I can't promise I'll never do it again. But I know that if I did I couldn't expect him to forgive me again, so that's motivation not to.

Some of you may think that these things make me an immoral, bad person, but that's just how I am.

Have you ever been on the other side of the equations - would you be able to forgive if your boyfriend were, erm, naughty? Were you ever naughty with anyone who was seeing someone else?

 

[vanelane]

So if you are emotionally involved with someone (I'm talkimng beyong just good friends) and not physically without your spouses knowledge can that still be cheating? I guess I am maybe involved with someone who is both physically and emotionally cheating on his SO but for me it isn't. He is lying and sneaking not me. Not that it feels much better knowing I am allowing him to do it.

To me, yes, he is cheating. If you are honest with your spouse entirely about your interactions with this person, and it's ok with your spouse, then you are not cheating. As I've said before, it's the deceit that makes the cheat.

 

[Eilan]

Interesting thread. I've been following it since it started.

I haven't voted in the poll, and I probably won't do so. I'd like to say that I'll never cheat, but I've found that whenever I say things like that they tend to bite me in the ass. Like that time in high school that I said, "I wouldn't marry ****** if he were the last man on earth!" Guess who I was married to four years later?

My husband and I have both been cheated on by our ex-spouses, so we both feel pretty strongly about not hurting each other the way that we were hurt. We're pretty open and honest with each other. I can't imagine that our relationship would deteriorate to the point where either of us would feel the need to seek whatever it was that we weren't getting from our relationship, but because my first marriage got to that point, I'm not naive enough to believe that it couldn't happen. I would be bothered less by the sex itself (other than from a disease standpoint) than I would about the potential emotional connection.

My hubby and I met and pursued a sexual relationship while we were both still married to other people. I'm sure that some people might consider it cheating, but we weren't hiding anything from our soon-to-be former spouses. My ex had made it pretty clear that things were over between us. My husband's ex encouraged him to start seeing other people, though she reacted poorly when he actually took her advice.

When my hubby and I met, I'd been separated for about eight or nine months and had already had dissolution papers drawn up, and my hubby and his wife had been in separate bedrooms for quite some time because she felt that it was "wrong" to cheat on her boyfriend by having sex with her husband.

I, too, have a huge issue with the phrase "cheating with permission" for the reasons Erika has mentioned. I understand that nonmonogamy--as opposed to cheating--in whatever form it might take isn't for everyone (hell, I've decided that it's not for me at the moment), but the phrase has a judgmental ring to it.

 

[ickle_stace]

When my hubby and I met, I'd been separated for about eight or nine months and had already had dissolution papers drawn up, and my hubby and his wife had been in separate bedrooms for quite some time because she felt that it was "wrong" to cheat on her boyfriend by having sex with her husband.

the part in bold cracked me up when i read it!

so she thinks it's ok to cheat on her husband but not her boyfriend, hmmmmm, did she suddenly gain morals overnight?

i don't think what you did was cheating Eilan, if you were separated and his wife told him to look for someone else, neither of you cheated.

Also with the non-monogamy stuff that's been said in this thread as a whole, people do seem to call cheating when their partners know it's happening, but that's not cheating

 

[Eilan]

the part in bold cracked me up when i read it!

so she thinks it's ok to cheat on her husband but not her boyfriend, hmmmmm, did she suddenly gain morals overnight?

Yeah, I thought it was pretty amusing when my hubby told me about it.

My hubby and his ex tried for six years to have a baby (they stopped short of in-vitro), and it negatively affected their relationship. She justified her cheating by saying that it was his fault that she couldn't get pregnant and she wouldn't have cheated if he had "given" her a baby. (In fact, they both had documented infertility issues, so it wasn't just my hubby.)

Also with the non-monogamy stuff that's been said in this thread as a whole, people do seem to call cheating when their partners know it's happening, but that's not cheating

I'm not easily offended, but I do find it offensive when people who engage in swinging, threesomes, open relationships, etc. are branded as "cheaters." Just because it's not a decision that every couple would make (or that every couple SHOULD make) doesn't mean that those who choose this path have relationships that are somehow inferior.

 

[DLL]

why do many assume something is wrong and thats the reason people cheat? what if they cheat because they just like to..just a thought

 

[SweetErika]

why do many assume something is wrong and thats the reason people cheat? what if they cheat because they just like to..just a thought

I usually assume there's something wrong with those who cheat, and then with the relationship. Cheating is a choice to risk hurting others, just like drunk driving or helping a criminal; at the very least, there's something wrong with their integrity and judgement, and I'd consider "I just like to cheat" sociopathic, or the same as, "I just like hurting people." Even if the person being cheated on doesn't know, I thoroughly doubt the health of a relationship when at least one of the people displays the behaviors or personality traits of a cheater because they have to affect other areas as well. That's just my take on it.

 

[DLL]

hmmmm i like you SE all your posts make me think.....I think that when a person succumbs to temptation, they might forget what attracted them to their partner in the first place, and lose sight of the chemistry and infatuation they once experienced for that person. It is a delusion to believe that a relationship should always progress smoothly on the road to eternal bliss. However, focusing on the negative will lead one to perceive that they are so miserable that they seek to fulfill their needs elsewhere.
Cheating is simple; a relationship is more complicated. Cheating usually offers instant gratification, physically and emotionally. A relationship requires lots of maintenance. Giving it care and attention along with trust and communication will continuously help both people grow.

If you become involved with another person, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to be honest. Creating lie upon lie will only hurt everyone involved. Take a close look at your relationship before seeking happiness with another person.

Also, remember that the new person will require just as much maintenance. No matter how green the grass looks, eventually it will need to be grained, fertilized and trimmed or before you know it, you'll have weeds all over the place.



good point erika

 

[Eilan]

why do many assume something is wrong and thats the reason people cheat? what if they cheat because they just like to..just a thought

I guess one could ask, "Is the cheating itself the problem or is it merely the symptom of a larger problem?"

I'd tend to believe that most of the time, it's a symptom of a deeper relationship problem. However, a former (married) co-worker of my husband's seems to be one of those people who fucks other women whenever the opportunity arises. Just because he can. It's almost like he's married because it's what society expects of him.

 

[ickle_stace]

Yeah, I thought it was pretty amusing when my hubby told me about it.

My hubby and his ex tried for six years to have a baby (they stopped short of in-vitro), and it negatively affected their relationship. She justified her cheating by saying that it was his fault that she couldn't get pregnant and she wouldn't have cheated if he had "given" her a baby. (In fact, they both had documented infertility issues, so it wasn't just my hubby.)

if everyone cheated because they had infertility problems, there'd probably be a hell of alot more cheating going on. that's not a reason for cheating, in my mind i don't see how anyone can justify cheating on someone they claim to love. Has this new boyfriend given her children? if not then why did she think cheating on him was wrong?

I'm not easily offended, but I do find it offensive when people who engage in swinging, threesomes, open relationships, etc. are branded as "cheaters." Just because it's not a decision that every couple would make (or that every couple SHOULD make) doesn't mean that those who choose this path have relationships that are somehow inferior.

I can understand this too, if a couple chooses to be open, have threesomes or swinging etc, thats their choice, they're not cheating, they're both allowing each other to do this, whereas cheating is a totally different kettle of fish. aslong as the decision to swing etc is made by both partners, and not one partner forcing it onto the other, then there's nothing wrong with it

 

[Batman4ever71]

Never Have, Never Will!!

Seeing as I have been married and divorced twice because my wives cheated on me, I could never see myself cheating on anyone else. When I am with someone, as I am now, to a fantastic woman, I have absoloutely no need to find satisfaction outside of our relationship.

I've seen too many lives destroyed because of infidelity and I want no part of it. When I am with someone, I give myself to them completely and that's all there is to it, for me at least.

 

[Eilan]

Seeing as I have been married and divorced twice because my wives cheated on me, I could never see myself cheating on anyone else. When I am with someone, as I am now, to a fantastic woman, I have absoloutely no need to find satisfaction outside of our relationship.

I've seen too many lives destroyed because of infidelity and I want no part of it. When I am with someone, I give myself to them completely and that's all there is to it, for me at least.

Hey, Batman. I've lost track of the months. Is your baby here yet?

if everyone cheated because they had infertility problems, there'd probably be a hell of alot more cheating going on. that's not a reason for cheating, in my mind i don't see how anyone can justify cheating on someone they claim to love. Has this new boyfriend given her children? if not then why did she think cheating on him was wrong?

I'm of the opinion that the infertility was an excuse--a really lame excuse for her to do something that she wanted to do anyway.

About the children issue--my hubby and I get pregnant with out 3 1/2 year old on the first cycle that we made a serious effort; her little sister came along just under 13 months later, so my hubby's fertility treatments were obviously successful!

His ex's BF (now husband, I guess) has four children with his ex. After trying since her early 20's, my hubby's ex finally got pregnant in her mid-30's--after she'd all but given up trying. Her son was born last fall.