Come take a peek inside Aussie's marriage

[Wand3rlust]

 

[RosewoodTulip]

Hi
I hope its ok for me to drop in today.
I've been reading this thread for a while now and I'm so thankful for your honesty and vulnerability.

There are times when I read something you've written and I think "Yes, this is what I want going forward. We have an infinite capacity to love and be loved - why not open our hearts to all of the possibilities" but then you share the hard stuff, the day to day stuff and it gives me pause for thought.
That's ok though. Everything that is worth it requires effort and sacrifice but as long as it still makes your heart happy then it must be the right choice.

Also, I love Tim Minchin. I wish my eye makeup game was that strong

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Also, happy birthday.

Psst, thanks and please delete this message

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Sorry - about Tim Minchin. I’m probably gonna avoid him this year because mum and dad have gone from me and he’s all too hard on my heart too.

It is worth it

That’s a lot of things to feel in a short time span. Which is awesome and awful and reminds me of a line in a movie that has always felt very relatable to me.

“Worse than the total agony of being in love?”

Is there trip home being planned yet?




I was only introduced to him a few years ago, but the stuff I’ve heard of his has so far sent me into the best kind of fits of laughter. This one though…I giggled a bit, but it really hit me in the feelings. Probably because I love the holidays and was just looking at pictures and thinking I can’t believe it’s been five years since I’ve seen or talked to my Dad. Sometimes I listen to old voice mails just to hear his voice.

Thanks, friends.

I'm sorry for those of you grieving the absence of loved ones, too.

Grief truly is love's souvenir.

I will go back to Australia for Christmas/New Year's/Australia Day next year. I'll take the kids and spend 2-3 months there. I'll be seeing my dad and will drink white wine in the sun with my brothers, my sisters, my gran, and my mum

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Hi
I hope its ok for me to drop in today.
I've been reading this thread for a while now and I'm so thankful for your honesty and vulnerability.

There are times when I read something you've written and I think "Yes, this is what I want going forward. We have an infinite capacity to love and be loved - why not open our hearts to all of the possibilities" but then you share the hard stuff, the day to day stuff and it gives me pause for thought.
That's ok though. Everything that is worth it requires effort and sacrifice but as long as it still makes your heart happy then it must be the right choice.

Also, I love Tim Minchin. I wish my eye makeup game was that strong

Of course it's ok! Welcome

I share because I've needed a place to drop things I have nowhere else to put them, and in the process I am allowing others who are curious about open relationships to see what happens behind closed doors. Y'all are also only getting a fraction of what is going on. It's been the most intense 6 months of my life in many ways. The marriage I had before Mr. Aussie and Mrs. Montessori got together is a distant memory.

While we have an infinite capacity to give and receive love, we are also human and have our weird and wonderful hangups that get in the way of doing either of these without reservation. Things do get hard. Things are also so beautiful. And everything in between.

Having a support network helps.
As does remembering that the greatest form of compassion is not expecting someone to be capable of something they're not. Ourselves included

Come in, stay, ask questions. It helps me, too.

Thanks for being here

 

[aussiegeekygal]

“Worse than the total agony of being in love?”

One of my favorite lines, too

Especially because it comes from a kid that looks identical to my baby brother

 

[Lmizzler]

“Love is bullshit sometimes, but it’s still so fucking worth it.”
Great summary.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I think if love is agony, you're probably doing it wrong. Just saying.

Back to Aussie's ethical non-monogamy experience - I read an amusing article the other day that I agree with, as a practitioner of the same sexual approach.

The greatest challenge in any of the possible combinations that are contained within ethical non-monogamy is simple scheduling. Who to spend time with and how to get that time to spend, given the ordinary complexities of life.

One of my brothers made the comment that he settled on monogamy because it was actually easier that ethical non-monogamy. You only had to focus on one person at a time (not counting the kidlets).

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I think scheduling coupled with realistic expectations is where it's at.

Still, the pain of missing someone exists, even with the knowledge that you'll be together again soon.

 

[Broken_paladin]

love is just love.. its our stupid human nature that attaches things like jealousy, insecurity and other restrictions to it instead of just excepting it for what it is.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

truth

I love the human parts too. It's amazing how much of what we believe is "gifted" to us before we had a say in the matter.

 

[morelikeasong]

Bullshit and worth it. Totally agree.

New here but wanted to pop in and send some love. I felt your pain about the homesickness. It’s not the same as your situation but I live quite far from home and it’s heartbreaking at times.

And cheers for the other part I won’t mention here

 

[aussiegeekygal]

The whole time I thought I'd be building relationships with others.

The strongest relationship I'm developing right now is with myself.
I'm leaning into the things I love. Not getting lost in any one thing and taking care of myself in a way I'm really proud of.

 

[Broken_paladin]

The whole time I thought I'd be building relationships with others.

The strongest relationship I'm developing right now is with myself.
I'm leaning into the things I love. Not getting lost in any one thing and taking care of myself in a way I'm really proud of.

isnt that the most important relationship after all?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

isnt that the most important relationship after all?

Absolutely.

I've been so focused on helping others thrive that I forgot to work on myself for a moment there. And that's ok.

I have my non-negotiable needs that I'm actively working to meet; food, sleep, silence, love, community, education etc. People in my life are welcome to come along for the ride during any of these (except the silence one, that's a little more sacred). It's been very interesting to see who makes the time and effort to spend time with me, and vice versa. I'm spending a lot of time with friends and family. And my community at large. It's lovely

 

[Azuldrgon]

The whole time I thought I'd be building relationships with others.

The strongest relationship I'm developing right now is with myself.
I'm leaning into the things I love. Not getting lost in any one thing and taking care of myself in a way I'm really proud of.

This made me smile.


I just want people happy. Sometimes, we forget that we need to make sure we're happy also.
Katt Williams once spoke about making sure you take care of your "star player".
He was alluding to this idea.
We get so caught up with taking care of our loved ones and taking care of our teams and our obligations that we sometimes forget we need to think of ourselves.
I lived so long with the thought of having to fulfill my duties that it took a while to think about me without feeling like I was being selfish.

@aussiegeekygal you deserve to be happy.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Ok friends, so I think I've officially entered Dr. Phil territory.

I've had a friend in town the past few days. Let's call him Ranger Boy.

Ranger Boy and I go way back. I met Ranger Boy in my late teens and we've been good friends ever since. We fell deeply into the teenaged love that comes with hormones and proximity. We were both naive, inexperienced and kind of broke each other's hearts. Our friendship survived that and has been going on for over 20 years. He's one of the friends that I would bridge gaps in geography and lifestyle to ensure we stay in each other's lives.

So, he ends up in my Podunk little town for work.
Seriously, the odds of that are hilariously low.

Last night we hit the town (all four bars ) and at the end of the night he invited me to spend the night with him.
I declined, but really wanted to.

I struggled to sleep last night (probably the lager drink, the lager drink, the whiskey drink, the whiskey drink, and the cider drink) and spent a lot of time with my thoughts. I realized that a lot of the conflict I'm feeling with Mr. Aussie is rooted in the assumed agreements we have in place about disclosures about new partners and/or activities. After Ranger Boy proposed that I stay with him I caught myself immediately thinking about the reception to that news from Mr. Aussie and how a not insignificant factor in my decisions is how I perceive he will react to me expressing my desire to spend time and attention with another person. Currently our agreements haven't been well defined and the consequences of that are when I don't immediately tell Mr. Aussie something he feels betrayed. Those feelings of betrayal can be stronger than he can handle at times and the corresponding behavior that follows is really hard for me to tolerate. As a result, I've found myself not wanting to share things, especially if I miss this arbitrary window of reasonable time to talk.

And life is relentless and it's not always a good time for me.

Part of my work in therapy for the next little while is going to be sharing how I need to feel more centered and prioritized in the way we're doing this if our marriage has any chance of survival. I want the freedom to go and enjoy myself without the fear of cheating or otherwise overstepping boundaries, especially those I don't know exist until after the fact (those aren't actually boundaries). I'm feeling an overwhelming amount of pressure to behave in a way that's comforting to Mr. Aussie and that is getting in the way of me meeting my needs.

I am going to go see Ranger Boy next month sometime.

 

[Wand3rlust]

Thanks for sharing what you share. I know there is probably a whole load that you don't, for reasons...
Keep looking after yourself. X

 

[RuneBlade]

Currently our agreements haven't been well defined and the consequences of that are when I don't immediately tell Mr. Aussie something he feels betrayed. Those feelings of betrayal can be stronger than he can handle at times and the corresponding behavior that follows is really hard for me to tolerate. As a result, I've found myself not wanting to share things, especially if I miss this arbitrary window of reasonable time to talk.

I have dealt with this sort of dilemma, myself, where I was more familiar and comfortable with non-monogamy than my partner was. I knew it was hard for her because of some jealousy issues, and it was just alien to her. There were feelings of "does this mean I'm not good enough"?

I was holding off on telling her things, just procrastination on my part, and missing out on opportunities to explore with others because I was afraid to hurt her, and I certainly didn't want to lie or hide anything. Talking through it and just telling her up front, and realizing that it's not my responsibility to guard her emotions (but still to be respectful) ended up being a breakthrough for me and us. I started putting it out there and letting her process it how she needed to and it became more familiar.

I hope you can come to some common ground with the Mr. and get some of the things you need and desire without the guilt and anxiety.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Thanks for sharing what you share. I know there is probably a whole load that you don't, for reasons...
Keep looking after yourself. X

There is. It's a delicate balance of sharing my experiencing and not airing grievances that aren't really mine to share.
There's a lot, of course, as there is in many people's lives.

I'm taking really good care of myself. Ranger Boy actually commented on how obvious it is that I'm finally doing that.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Disclosures:

The best approach I've found, as far as disclosure is concerned, is radical honesty. As you've experienced, negative feedback tends to shut the communication lines down. One or multiple partners stop sharing things because of it. Once communication fails, other parts of the relationship start to fail until it all comes tumbling down in a mess.

So, as contrary as it seems, fight the urge to try and protect other people's feelings in an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Just stick to honesty. I have a whole little speech I give to new partners about the expectations I have, for myself, around honesty. This is what you can expect from me - "I went to Target. Then I stopped off at X for some afternoon delight. Then I picked up Chinese food on the way over."

In short, I am going to treat sexual encounters with the same commonalities that I treat a trip to Target or a stop at a Chinese restaurant. I'll tell you I did it. If you ask about the details, I'll tell you the details.

I expect the same sort of honesty from you. Treat it like you would treat any other activity. Then bring the fortune cookies home.

Assumed Assumptions:

Assumed assumptions are dangerous things. They're like cow-pies scattered across a ranch yard. Sooner or later, you're going to step in one. I'd recommend you schedule a regular chat session with your key partners as an "assumption check". Honesty is hard in a relationship because of our natural tendency to try and protect the emotional state of our partners. Rather than leave it to chance, schedule something regular to discuss it and check in on it.

The Feels:

I think for people living an ENM lifestyle the prevalent fear is that some other relationship will catch on and then eclipse the existing relationships and leave one or more people bereft. I've always used what I called "The Feels" rule. Do not surprise your partner when you start developing feelings beyond "that was great casual sex" with someone. Always let them know if you're starting to be attracted to someone whose a casual sex partner, when the relationship becomes primarily not about sex.

It's not easy because of our natural fear of loss, but part of the trick is to hold all relationships closely, but with an open hand. Allow everyone the room to both breath and grow. Honesty is what we try to water our garden with.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Update on Ranger Boy

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Update on The Librarian

 

[Purple_Fronds]

fantastic voice,

 

[deft]

Me and The Librarian would get along... we like the same traits!