Control..who has it?

[artful]

Do you ever feel exhausted from the emotions of submitting or Dominating?

Often,...there is seen by the outsiders, (those who don't participate in a BDSM/24/7/TPE, and that's all I will be speaking of), a FANTASY of what that type of relationship might be.

It may seem to many, who are not familiar with handling the day to day aspects of it, that it is an easy life for both parties. The Master/Mistress need only to make a request, and the slave need only do as requested.

Their are indeed times when this happens, but only after much time and training has taken place, does it come about regularly. Personally, it is the most challenging task I have ever pursued, and the most rewarding.

It takes total committment from both parties, and then, it is a lot of hard work. In an LDR even, sometimes at the end of a day, I am truly exhausted.

This is not every day by any means, but there are some, (it's the, *two steps forward, and one step back, that drain me*). Hell, if it were easy, there would be a lot more people doing it successfully.

Finding one who *fits*, the matching party of a D/s relationship, may depend on a variety of factors. Sometimes, luck is the only thing, one can attribute it to.

Sometimes, one can spend years, searching and looking, before they find one who might fill the bill, (indeed,...a lot of work).

After one is found, is when skill is needed by a Master/Mistress, to control growth, bonding, and training at THEIR pace. This is where most problems arise in a NEW relationship, (whether they be experienced or relatively inexperienced).

This is where labor is required, this is where the challenge is, this is the tough part. This is where most fail. Other than a lot of hard work by both parties, there is little immediate reward, except the feeling of accomplishment.

The teachings of a Master/Mistress, depend heavily on the communicative skills they have to offer. The lessons to be learned, must be understood by the slave, in order for them to progress.

Does this mean they each, need a BDSM course on speech, and communication skills? No,...but it wouldn't hurt. I think it's mostly the pairing, the match, the *fit*.

There are some, who could have a successful D/s relationship, only using grunts and groans, combined with body language, if they *fit* one another.

At the end of sexual play, (scene), I am normally not exhausted, but rather in a euphoric mood. I am pleased with how things went, with my ability to do THAT, which I have done, and reflect back through the scene. Looking for things I may have missed, and/or, reliving the experience.

Normally,...sex does not exhaust me,...the frustration of not being able to impart, a sorely needed lesson to my slave,...does. Sometimes, I am exhausted even after I have been successful in my teaching, due to the many efforts that were required in getting the job done.

Sorry for the long post Shadows, but one point seemed to lead to another, and of course, (Des invited me to come back and post), and that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!-LOL-

 

[Lancecastor]

Good to see you, Art.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Welcome back Art

nice to see you.... even across from a backgammon board ~smile~ when you are kicking my ass.... LOL

 

[artful]

Re: Welcome back Art

nice to see you.... even across from a backgammon board ~smile~ when you are kicking my ass.... LOL

Thank you Lance and ADR both,...but so this thread doesn't get hi jacked by well intentioned posts to welcome me back, I would ask others to not do it on Shadows thread, (yes,...I have a thing for chess, (female chests), backgammon and, (well shaped backs).

 

[Goddess Helena]

Re: Re: Control..who has it?

Often,...there is seen by the outsiders, (those who don't participate in a BDSM/24/7/TPE, and that's all I will be speaking of), a FANTASY of what that type of relationship might be.

It may seem to many, who are not familiar with handling the day to day aspects of it, that it is an easy life for both parties. The Master/Mistress need only to make a request, and the slave need only do as requested.

Their are indeed times when this happens, but only after much time and training has taken place, does it come about regularly. Personally, it is the most challenging task I have ever pursued, and the most rewarding.

It takes total committment from both parties, and then, it is a lot of hard work. In an LDR even, sometimes at the end of a day, I am truly exhausted.

This is not every day by any means, but there are some, (it's the, *two steps forward, and one step back, that drain me*). Hell, if it were easy, there would be a lot more people doing it successfully.

Finding one who *fits*, the matching party of a D/s relationship, may depend on a variety of factors. Sometimes, luck is the only thing, one can attribute it to.

Sometimes, one can spend years, searching and looking, before they find one who might fill the bill, (indeed,...a lot of work).

After one is found, is when skill is needed by a Master/Mistress, to control growth, bonding, and training at THEIR pace. This is where most problems arise in a NEW relationship, (whether they be experienced or relatively inexperienced).

This is where labor is required, this is where the challenge is, this is the tough part. This is where most fail. Other than a lot of hard work by both parties, there is little immediate reward, except the feeling of accomplishment.

The teachings of a Master/Mistress, depend heavily on the communicative skills they have to offer. The lessons to be learned, must be understood by the slave, in order for them to progress.

Does this mean they each, need a BDSM course on speech, and communication skills? No,...but it wouldn't hurt. I think it's mostly the pairing, the match, the *fit*.

There are some, who could have a successful D/s relationship, only using grunts and groans, combined with body language, if they *fit* one another.

At the end of sexual play, (scene), I am normally not exhausted, but rather in a euphoric mood. I am pleased with how things went, with my ability to do THAT, which I have done, and reflect back through the scene. Looking for things I may have missed, and/or, reliving the experience.

Normally,...sex does not exhaust me,...the frustration of not being able to impart, a sorely needed lesson to my slave,...does. Sometimes, I am exhausted even after I have been successful in my teaching, due to the many efforts that were required in getting the job done.

Sorry for the long post Shadows, but one point seemed to lead to another, and of course, (Des invited me to come back and post), and that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!-LOL-

Wonderful post, Artful.
Thank you for expressing my thoughts and feelings so well. I cannot do better than what you have offered.
Lovely to see you back, btw.


Helena

 

[WillowPuss]

the gift of Domination matches that of the submissive
so seldom acknowledged for the depth of its emotions
that must hold and nurture even in exhaustion
those who cannot see past the control they seek
while controlling the needs of those they bind with wants
so draining that they cannot always be met
when the reality of real time intervenes

The longest sentence ever seen in Lit perhaps..arghhhh

Do you ever feel exhausted from the emotions of submitting or Dominating?

Oh oh ... another 'easy' question!

Often, Master is exhausted from work and even my simple greeting seems to drain Him more. At times like this, I have learnt that the best thing to do is quietly serve Him a drink and then ask if I may sit with Him.

I know that the quickest way of Him being able to get out of the work mindset is for Him to have quiet time. He lets me know when He is again ready to engage in conversation (and more) in His own way.

There are times when I am drained from work or mundane things. In these times, I have learnt that a simple statement offered up to Him allows Him to see that I am not 'not submitting' but just taking a few moments out to regain my energies.


However - these statements do not answer the question, do they?

Do I ever feel drained from the emotion of submitting? Sometimes - when I feel that I have run into a brick wall. But then, I withdraw (physically) slightly and really look ... and most times will see that Master is in need of a 'time-out' for Himself because of an outside pressure and so fall back on the quietly serving Him and asking if He would allow me to sit with Him.

If ever I get the negative answer, I remind myself that He is not rejecting me (or my submission) but just needs some space. This can be a few minutes, it can be a few hours.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Control..who has it?

Oh oh ... another 'easy' question!

Often, Master is exhausted from work and even my simple greeting seems to drain Him more. At times like this, I have learnt that the best thing to do is quietly serve Him a drink and then ask if I may sit with Him.

I know that the quickest way of Him being able to get out of the work mindset is for Him to have quiet time. He lets me know when He is again ready to engage in conversation (and more) in His own way.

There are times when I am drained from work or mundane things. In these times, I have learnt that a simple statement offered up to Him allows Him to see that I am not 'not submitting' but just taking a few moments out to regain my energies.


However - these statements do not answer the question, do they?

Do I ever feel drained from the emotion of submitting? Sometimes - when I feel that I have run into a brick wall. But then, I withdraw (physically) slightly and really look ... and most times will see that Master is in need of a 'time-out' for Himself because of an outside pressure and so fall back on the quietly serving Him and asking if He would allow me to sit with Him.

If ever I get the negative answer, I remind myself that He is not rejecting me (or my submission) but just needs some space. This can be a few minutes, it can be a few hours.

Yep, everyone needs space at one time for another.

Eb

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: Re: Control..who has it?

If ever I get the negative answer, I remind myself that He is not rejecting me (or my submission) but just needs some space. This can be a few minutes, it can be a few hours.

Just had to echo a yes on this. When there is an immediate emotional reaction to a negative answer, if one can re-evaluate the relatively small time frame a few minutes, or hours, or even a day or two is, within the course of a long term relationship, it ends up being kind of silly to over-react.

When I invest energy in supporting Her down time, I find the extra couple of minutes it may take Her to reassure me that all is well comes much easier for Her too, and life is sweet, down time included!

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Control..who has it?

Often,...there is seen by the outsiders, (those who don't participate in a BDSM/24/7/TPE, and that's all I will be speaking of), a FANTASY of what that type of relationship might be.

It may seem to many, who are not familiar with handling the day to day aspects of it, that it is an easy life for both parties. The Master/Mistress need only to make a request, and the slave need only do as requested.

Their are indeed times when this happens, but only after much time and training has taken place, does it come about regularly. Personally, it is the most challenging task I have ever pursued, and the most rewarding.

It takes total committment from both parties, and then, it is a lot of hard work. In an LDR even, sometimes at the end of a day, I am truly exhausted.

This is not every day by any means, but there are some, (it's the, *two steps forward, and one step back, that drain me*). Hell, if it were easy, there would be a lot more people doing it successfully.

Finding one who *fits*, the matching party of a D/s relationship, may depend on a variety of factors. Sometimes, luck is the only thing, one can attribute it to.

Sometimes, one can spend years, searching and looking, before they find one who might fill the bill, (indeed,...a lot of work).

After one is found, is when skill is needed by a Master/Mistress, to control growth, bonding, and training at THEIR pace. This is where most problems arise in a NEW relationship, (whether they be experienced or relatively inexperienced).

This is where labor is required, this is where the challenge is, this is the tough part. This is where most fail. Other than a lot of hard work by both parties, there is little immediate reward, except the feeling of accomplishment.

The teachings of a Master/Mistress, depend heavily on the communicative skills they have to offer. The lessons to be learned, must be understood by the slave, in order for them to progress.

Does this mean they each, need a BDSM course on speech, and communication skills? No,...but it wouldn't hurt. I think it's mostly the pairing, the match, the *fit*.

There are some, who could have a successful D/s relationship, only using grunts and groans, combined with body language, if they *fit* one another.

At the end of sexual play, (scene), I am normally not exhausted, but rather in a euphoric mood. I am pleased with how things went, with my ability to do THAT, which I have done, and reflect back through the scene. Looking for things I may have missed, and/or, reliving the experience.

Normally,...sex does not exhaust me,...the frustration of not being able to impart, a sorely needed lesson to my slave,...does. Sometimes, I am exhausted even after I have been successful in my teaching, due to the many efforts that were required in getting the job done.

Sorry for the long post Shadows, but one point seemed to lead to another, and of course, (Des invited me to come back and post), and that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!-LOL-

Quoting the entire post because there isn't a single word I can disagree with.
I find that both the sexual and the sceneing do not lead Me to an emotional exhaustion either. But a wonderful space of fullfilled exhaustion or euphoria.
It is the head butting and as You pointed out the two steps forward and one back or as I have also found the one step forward and two steps back AFTER sexual gratification has been reached for the submissive.
It is the *do me subs* that have led to My disallusionment, exhaustion as well as the continually repeating Myself.
Unfortunately I personally have a low tolerance for repeating Myself as after awhile I simply become a service Domme if I allow Myself to be manipulated in that way.
Day to day D/s is a lot of work if either of the parties has to struggle or resists their role. A natural D/s relationship is the only kind I am interested in. Breaking a sub=non sub material in My eyes.
It is wonderful to have You join My conversation and the depth of Your response is pleasing to Me as well.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Control..who has it?

Oh oh ... another 'easy' question!

Often, Master is exhausted from work and even my simple greeting seems to drain Him more. At times like this, I have learnt that the best thing to do is quietly serve Him a drink and then ask if I may sit with Him.

I know that the quickest way of Him being able to get out of the work mindset is for Him to have quiet time. He lets me know when He is again ready to engage in conversation (and more) in His own way.

There are times when I am drained from work or mundane things. In these times, I have learnt that a simple statement offered up to Him allows Him to see that I am not 'not submitting' but just taking a few moments out to regain my energies.


However - these statements do not answer the question, do they?

Do I ever feel drained from the emotion of submitting? Sometimes - when I feel that I have run into a brick wall. But then, I withdraw (physically) slightly and really look ... and most times will see that Master is in need of a 'time-out' for Himself because of an outside pressure and so fall back on the quietly serving Him and asking if He would allow me to sit with Him.

If ever I get the negative answer, I remind myself that He is not rejecting me (or my submission) but just needs some space. This can be a few minutes, it can be a few hours.

It is responses like this that show the pride and understanding between the sub and Dom/me partners. The honesty and maturity to recognize and voice real day to day needs.
If you had of posted that you fought the understanding of either of you needing free time..you would have been able to post a different kind of exhaution.
Thank you willow for this other side of a D/s reality.
I am always pleasantly surprised at your responses

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: Control..who has it?

Just had to echo a yes on this. When there is an immediate emotional reaction to a negative answer, if one can re-evaluate the relatively small time frame a few minutes, or hours, or even a day or two is, within the course of a long term relationship, it ends up being kind of silly to over-react.

When I invest energy in supporting Her down time, I find the extra couple of minutes it may take Her to reassure me that all is well comes much easier for Her too, and life is sweet, down time included!

It is these seemingly *small* moments that can create the biggest obstacles or the most intimate understandings.

 

[lark sparrow]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Control..who has it?

It is these seemingly *small* moments that can create the biggest obstacles or the most intimate understandings.

Smiles... Amen, Shadowsdream. Once again You have cut to the quick of the matter.

 

[cellis]

In my relationship there seems to be a price to pay for everything... I have watched Himself during and after a session and there are times when He is flying... in almost a state of euphoria... He had found that spot... that magical space of His own.

I know this when it happens... I can feel it when He finds that space and it feeds over into our play...

But because He is ill, there are times when our play is exhausting... He is careful not to let me see this in our times together, but I can feel His energy is less that what he would like it to be... I feel this is less about the control issue, because there is never any doubt about who is in control, than it is about His illness....

 

[Shadowsdream]

In my relationship there seems to be a price to pay for everything... I have watched Himself during and after a session and there are times when He is flying... in almost a state of euphoria... He had found that spot... that magical space of His own.

I know this when it happens... I can feel it when He finds that space and it feeds over into our play...

But because He is ill, there are times when our play is exhausting... He is careful not to let me see this in our times together, but I can feel His energy is less that what he would like it to be... I feel this is less about the control issue, because there is never any doubt about who is in control, than it is about His illness....

My health has been less than optimal for some time as well...it also effects My energy and endurance. I do not allow it to effect My control nor Dominance in O/our 24/7 lifestyle but of course it has slowed down the play at this time.
May I ask how you deal emotionally with the real issue of your Master being ill and the conflicting real issue of the need to play?
If this is to personal please do NOT feel the need to respond. I am in no way trying to pry into private matters.

Thank you so much for adding another side to this valuable conversation ~~smile~~

 

[TheWanderer]

Re: Re: Re: Control

I do agree that One can be drained just from a long training but for Me it is more a physical and intellectual draining than that of the emotions when training the one that just wants to direct the scene.

As I read through the entire thread, this stuck in my mind most of all. While the actual question was broad and general to all, I couldn't help but catch this detail.

Again, prefacing my remarks with the standard 'technically, I don't know shit, but', I'll speak my mind here. In my own studies of the mind (outside of the D/s studies, which I'm finding are oddly intertwined, but that's another thread), I'm discovering there is a constant flow of one person's energies that is often blocked by all the details, hinderances, and constant stress (just to name a few) that accrue throughout a day.

But this is not natural.

The tendencies, as human beings, is to allow our energies, our spirits to flow... with the right people around us, our energies begin to flow together as we share mutual interests - most people just call this 'friendship.' However, it's come to me that in a 'true' D/s relationship (in this sense, 'true' meaning only where a good connection is made, and the two people are very compatible), the power should flow constant between both parties.

When it does not, that is where the communication needs arise. If the Dominant is not allowed to fulfill the role they have chosen for themselves because they are simply fulfilling a fantasy (which takes the fun out of it, IMO, when it's simply a 'paint-by-numbers' ordeal) of their sub.. then yes, it's going to stop the flow of your own personal energies.

And this is where the fatigue comes from... because you are trying to be something you are not. You are the Dominant, You are the Mistress, yet you are - in a roundabout way - taking on the role of the submissive instead. Sure, sure, You're the One with the whip in your hand, but if you're just doing what you were asked to do... who's really taking control of the scene?

I've put quite a bit of thought into this matter - finding a balance between fulfilling the requests/fantasies/desires of your sub while not simply 'doing what your told.' For me, the answer lies in giving your partner what they want... but not the way they want it.

For example, say on Tuesday, my submissive says they want to be tied, blindfolded, and pleasured through mechanical means. I won't do this Tuesday, Wednesday, maybe not even that weekend. However, I will not forget it, either. This weekend might be more about mental/emotional control. But next weekend, during a long, slow, sensual massage.. oh, look at this, I happen to have secured your ankles with these silk scarves.. Hmm, yes, I think your wrists *do* look prettier when encased in steel handcuffs... And you don't need to see what I'm doing, do you... Hey, what's the buzzing noise?

I'm sure it will be one of my biggest challenges when I begin to put forth what I've learned into a relationship with another person - however, by constantly shuffling around the desires, the fantasies... it's certainly my intent to always give what is wanted, just not necessarily when and how it was requested.

For You, Shadow, it may be a matter of having to reprioritize. It may be a question of stepping back to reexamine the situation with this particular person, who seems to be disrupting the flow of Your Dominant energies. Or it may be a time to reevaluate what this person truly desires... and if providing it would relegate You to the role of a 'service Dom', as you put it elsewhere.

That's up to You.

Take the time, look at everything objectively, but do so from the seat of Your own emotions and desires. Don't waste time in trying to fulfill that which is unfulfilling.

Oh - and thank You again for being here!

 

[cellis]

My health has been less than optimal for some time as well...it also effects My energy and endurance. I do not allow it to effect My control nor Dominance in O/our 24/7 lifestyle but of course it has slowed down the play at this time.
May I ask how you deal emotionally with the real issue of your Master being ill and the conflicting real issue of the need to play?
If this is to personal please do NOT feel the need to respond. I am in no way trying to pry into private matters.

Thank you so much for adding another side to this valuable conversation ~~smile~~

All I can say is that some days I do okay and some days are very difficult to get through... but we talk about it and that helps.

 

[artful]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Control

Take the time, look at everything objectively, but do so from the seat of Your own emotions and desires. Don't waste time in trying to fulfill that which is unfulfilling.

Oh - and thank You again for being here!

Wanderer, what a great post,...and good advice. Just wanted to thank you, and let you know, I agree with the giving of what the sub needs,...but not necessarily WHEN they want it.

The cruelest punishment a Dom/me ever suffers, (IMO),...is when they discover they have been cleverly manipulated by their sub, or show signs of OPEN rebellion.

In order to exact discipline, (rather than punishment), is the mark of an excellent Dom/me. I would add also, (for the subs who read this), an excellent Dom/me, will not necessarily have a lot of patience in dealing with this.

Sometimes, a Dom/me is unable to deliver what it is, the sub NEEDS, that causes such misbehavior from a sub. LDR's are rife with such situations, and that's why most D/s LDR's fail.

Truly, it has little to do with whether the Dom/me or the sub *CAN*,...fulfill their respected roles as a matched set, but rather, do they have the patience to stick it out until they can be together in,...skin-to-skin.

As cymbidia, and many others have rightly stated, "It's a skin-to-skin, that makes it happen, skin-to-skin is where it's at." LDR is the hardest, if you really are serious about BDSM, even if you are not into a Master/Mistress-slave relationship.

LDR fantasy is another form of play that can be used, and should not just be discarded, out of hand, but it is a poor substitute, for fulfilling the potentials of each individual.

Control of LDR's are the sole burden of the Dom/me it's true, and without a slave/sub being 100% committed to a LDR, it is doomed to fail. Without them understanding the near impossibility of the Dom/mes task, in keeping the relationship intact, there is little chance of success.

Uh,...I see I have rambled on and on again, , forgive me Shadows, and welcome back, I just don't know how to stay away from your threads.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Control

Wanderer, what a great post,...and good advice. Just wanted to thank you, and let you know, I agree with the giving of what the sub needs,...but not necessarily WHEN they want it.

The cruelest punishment a Dom/me ever suffers, (IMO),...is when they discover they have been cleverly manipulated by their sub, or show signs of OPEN rebellion.

In order to exact discipline, (rather than punishment), is the mark of an excellent Dom/me. I would add also, (for the subs who read this), an excellent Dom/me, will not necessarily have a lot of patience in dealing with this.

Sometimes, a Dom/me is unable to deliver what it is, the sub NEEDS, that causes such misbehavior from a sub. LDR's are rife with such situations, and that's why most D/s LDR's fail.

Truly, it has little to do with whether the Dom/me or the sub *CAN*,...fulfill their respected roles as a matched set, but rather, do they have the patience to stick it out until they can be together in,...skin-to-skin.

As cymbidia, and many others have rightly stated, "It's a skin-to-skin, that makes it happen, skin-to-skin is where it's at." LDR is the hardest, if you really are serious about BDSM, even if you are not into a Master/Mistress-slave relationship.

LDR fantasy is another form of play that can be used, and should not just be discarded, out of hand, but it is a poor substitute, for fulfilling the potentials of each individual.

Control of LDR's are the sole burden of the Dom/me it's true, and without a slave/sub being 100% committed to a LDR, it is doomed to fail. Without them understanding the near impossibility of the Dom/mes task, in keeping the relationship intact, there is little chance of success.

Uh,...I see I have rambled on and on again, , forgive me Shadows, and welcome back, I just don't know how to stay away from your threads.

Thank You for Your post Art...100% committment is needed on both sides...in R/T and LDR...it takes energy for both. Energy can be fed or depleted.
I am so fortunate to have found My magic and have My energy fed by his honesty and submission.