Depression. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. etc

[MercyMia]

Hi MM

Yeah, I found this out by accident. I never kept a religious daily diary, rather it was just when I felt the need. I used to call it a "Blues" diary since I only wrote in it when I was extremely happy or sad. If life was "normal" I didn't feel the need to write after a while.

Writing poetry helps too. I suppose by writing it helps you analyze what is going on in your head. Just thinking about it created these horrible circular arguments that went on without end.

I'll bore you with a darker poem I wrote. It is not a faithful reproduction of what I was going through 35 years ago, rather it is just loosely based on some events in my life. I think it is a blues song actually...I have the melody in my head but I'm musically challenged, though I like to sing

Blue Ramblings

People are so pushy,
try tell me what to do,
my soul just feels so scuffed up
like a worn discarded shoe,
I’ve got troubles...
pain, a worried mind
and I wander in self pity,
with sight that’s less than blind.

No one knows my problems,
what’s wrong inside of me,
hardly know myself
just living in misery,
want to be alone...
no one around,
somewhere I can hide,
and never be found.

Went down to the river,
to see what I could see,
those waves were curling fingers,
like they were calling me
down to the depths...
a void, so dark and deep,
where I could find peace,
in a long drawn endless sleep.

Looked into the water,
heard promises that were told,
how she would envelop my body,
protect me in her fold
and give me comfort...
yeah, that’s what I need.
Keep me from my doubts,
in those soft words she would feed.

Seemed like in a trance,
put my foot off of the shore,
those fingers grasped my body,
like she was wanting more
pulling me in ...
to her icy womb,
water creeping higher,
leading me onto my doom.

Head now reaching water,
fingers slapping at my face,
those cold and bony fingers,
I tore from that embrace
from that devil woman....
crawled back to the shore,
stared down at that river,
at a cold hearted whore.

Out of my life, heartless woman,
you feed on nothing but pain,
that goes for your sisters too,
juice, smack and mary jane
give me release...
to be free at last,
start my life over,
burying all of that’s past.

copywrite by Naamplao

Hey, I like your poem. It has beat. Usually poetry written during a low point in a person's life is draggy and lifeless, or really black, dark, noir. So the poem was a tribute to an addiction?

 

[naamplao]

Hey, I like your poem. It has beat. Usually poetry written during a low point in a person's life is draggy and lifeless, or really black, dark, noir. So the poem was a tribute to an addiction?

Thanks...I wrote this a while ago when I first started to appreciate true "Blues" music.

The drug addiction was poetic license....but the depression and thoughts of walking into a river because of it was real. I didn't write this during the period of depression. I wrote this after rereading my diary entries from that period.

The poem is one of redemption, of walking to the edge and then walking back. No, drugs or alcohol were not my problems then...loneliness and lack of self worth were the problem....I would not relive my late teens/early twenties...ever

I'm glad you liked the poem...it is why we write

 

[bobsgirl]

It's not the sadness that gets to me so much anymore. It's the bitterness and emptiness. Those are the real joy-killers.

 

[Ibsen]

It's not the sadness that gets to me so much anymore. It's the bitterness and emptiness. Those are the real joy-killers.

Hear hear!

Thinking of starting with an full-contact sport, most likely Thai boxing. It depends a bit where there are any clubs and so. I tried it this fall a couple of times, and I liked it. And I think that if I can get exhaused a couple of times a week, it would just be good for my concentration (wich isnt that good) and that feeling of loneliness, depression and general meaninglessness I carry around. I hop this thing wont go out in the sand.

 

[bobsgirl]

Hear hear!

Thinking of starting with an full-contact sport, most likely Thai boxing. It depends a bit where there are any clubs and so. I tried it this fall a couple of times, and I liked it. And I think that if I can get exhaused a couple of times a week, it would just be good for my concentration (wich isnt that good) and that feeling of loneliness, depression and general meaninglessness I carry around. I hop this thing wont go out in the sand.

I think physical activity is an excellent idea. There's something about burning off all that negative energy that is so helpful. Even if it's just getting physically tired so you can get a good night's sleep.

I hope you can follow through--sounds like it might be good for you!

 

[Ibsen]

Thanks. I´ll contact a few clubs. In worst case I loose some money, but hppefully also gain some better physics, wich always is good.

 

[Ibsen]

DAMN IT I FEEL GREATE!!

Had a home exam that was really killing me, but after alot of writing and an equal amount of anxiety I turned it in 30 minutes ago. 1½ hour before the schedueled time also.

Lets just hope the professor likes what he reads...

 

[Quoll]

I'm gradually working my way through the thread and placing links in the first post to things I think may be of use.

It's good to see people still using this thread, I wish I could contribute more but at the moment my mind is just blah and I'm so tired of it all.

 

[Denae]

I'm gradually working my way through the thread and placing links in the first post to things I think may be of use.

It's good to see people still using this thread, I wish I could contribute more but at the moment my mind is just blah and I'm so tired of it all.

You know, quoll, it's really okay to just check in here and not contribute. You've certainly "paid your dues" in that department. Just check in to gather that bit of support that you need to get through it (be a minute, hour, day, week), just do what it takes so that you can come back and interact with your friends on the board.

I went to my first yoga class in a couple of months yesterday. I knew I missed it, but I didn't know how much I missed it. It was also held outside and a duck from a pond came within 2 or 3 feet of me. I was wrapped up in the wonder of the hour of my class and being so close to nature. I found great peace that I carried home with me.

 

[bobsgirl]

I'm gradually working my way through the thread and placing links in the first post to things I think may be of use.

It's good to see people still using this thread, I wish I could contribute more but at the moment my mind is just blah and I'm so tired of it all.

I'm going to echo Denae's sentiment. (Hi Denae, You little cutie pie! )

pq, you give so much to everyone here and I'm sure that carries over in your RL. I wish I knew what I could do to help you. I wish you would lean on some of us. We'd be happy to prop you up for as long as you need.

You don't have to be brilliant or witty all the time.

Do I have to get pushy?

 

[wicked woman]

Sits down beside bg offering her some popcorn...wanting to see the show of her pushing quoll around.

 

[bobsgirl]

Sits down beside bg offering her some popcorn...wanting to see the show of her pushing quoll around.

Hey, I can be tough. Really.


You're right. I'm a marshmallow.

 

[wicked woman]

Hey, I can be tough. Really.


You're right. I'm a marshmallow.

Takes one to know one babe

 

[bobsgirl]

Takes one to know one babe

Kindred spirits.

 

[Quoll]

You know, quoll, it's really okay to just check in here and not contribute. You've certainly "paid your dues" in that department. Just check in to gather that bit of support that you need to get through it (be a minute, hour, day, week), just do what it takes so that you can come back and interact with your friends on the board.

I went to my first yoga class in a couple of months yesterday. I knew I missed it, but I didn't know how much I missed it. It was also held outside and a duck from a pond came within 2 or 3 feet of me. I was wrapped up in the wonder of the hour of my class and being so close to nature. I found great peace that I carried home with me.

I'm going to echo Denae's sentiment. (Hi Denae, You little cutie pie! )

pq, you give so much to everyone here and I'm sure that carries over in your RL. I wish I knew what I could do to help you. I wish you would lean on some of us. We'd be happy to prop you up for as long as you need.

You don't have to be brilliant or witty all the time.

Do I have to get pushy?

Sits down beside bg offering her some popcorn...wanting to see the show of her pushing quoll around

I guess I know that, but..., anyway I have gained something from rereading bits of the thread, things that I have forgotten or gotten out of the habit of doing.
There have been quite a few posts around the boards that I have read and formed replies too, but when it comes to actually putting the words down, it just goes. I thought this phase was just a low, but I'm beginning to suspect that it is in fact the high point of my cycle. I have so many thoughts and ideas that just vaporise away to nothing, so many things that I have gotten halfway through only to just scrap the lot.

How can I wake up in the morning with thoughts that not only is today going to be a good day but that all this is going to go away and my mind will return to normal, these are crystal clear thoughts and I actually believe it, and yet by the time I get through to the other end of the house it's all gone ( I have no words to express how that feels).
For the last month or more (time is another thing that just flows away from me) I have been in limbo, feeling like I was on the cusp of something but nothing changes, my thoughts come and go so fast, as do any feelings of happiness or joy or any positive emotion, just a flash and it is gone, only the sadness and anger and hate etc stay, they're with me all the time.

I probably had more but it too is gone, I know logically that this won't last but I'm even having touble trying to out logic my mind, it's like something is pulling away everything I hang on to.

Oh and I fucked up and forgot to get my script filled so I'm out of meds, hopefully it should only be for one night and I'll be able to get them in the morning.


On a good note I took the advice offered and reached out.

 

[Fflow]

Dear Quoll,

I just thought I'd say that I hear you.

In this moment, know that you are surrounded and supported by the universe. Everything is, right now, conspiring to your benefit and ultimate good. Your life is filled with ever-expanding opportunities for joy, peace, and connectedness. You are perfect and complete in mind, body, heart, and spirit. You have all you need to fulfill your destiny.

Simply by living, you have touched the lives of others in profound and positive ways. Imagine all that good spreading from person to person, reaching far and wide. You are a force for good in this world. You make a difference.

Your mind is becoming clear. You are feeling peace and joy in boundless abundance flooding into every atom of your being.

I know that this is true.

 

[MercyMia]

On a good note I took the advice offered and reached out.

That's one of the hardest things to do--when I first get the idea to call someone, to ask for a little help, I argue myself out of it 17 times. I insist to myself that it would be so much easier to just bear with things alone.

So good on you, quoll.

It's easier to give help (and you've done that many times in here and probably on other threads) but to ask for someone else's time and energy We need to be kinder to ourselves!

Hugs,
Mia

 

[bobsgirl]

 

[Quoll]

No need to be, I understand completely, it's not something you can keep up all day every day, not even sure if we should.

Funny that, even when surrounded by people, {{{HUGS}}}

 

[bobsgirl]

No need to be, I understand completely, it's not something you can keep up all day every day, not even sure if we should.

Funny that, even when surrounded by people, {{{HUGS}}}

damn, I should have known quolls have good memories!

Thank you.

 

[emptynester]

I was not sure whether to start a new thread or post this here but I have decided in order to deal with my emotions at the moment I have to verbalize them to someone. Thanks in advance for letting me do it here.

About 3 years ago I went through a very brief period of panic attacks. Lots of things could trigger one. I felt like I just wanted to stay home and not have to deal with people. It would pass for a while until something else triggered it. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to work through. I was very thankful it was short-lived.

Now, a little over a week away from my oldest sons wedding, I am beginning to experience those same feelings. I have been putting it off as stress from the job, etc., but after being awake most of this night, I have to admit I know it is not the job.

This is going to sound so dumb and it is so stupid even to my own way of thinking but I can't help how I feel. I am not worried about him getting married, whether he has found the right mate, or anything that would justify sleepless nights. I am worried about putting on that dress and those heels and walking down that aisle in front of all those people! People I haven't seen in a while and lots and lots of them.

There, I said it. I admitted it. How dumb is that! I should feel great. I should feel confident after loosing all that weight. It was the first time ever that I have been able to order a dress and not have to have it altered to fit.

It took me months to decide on the dress. I chose conservative and yet stylish compared to what the clothing industry seems to deem appropriate dress for the mother of the bride/groom. Everything I put on fit and yet when I looked in the mirror I still have the same image of myself in my head. I feel like I am trying to be something I'm not. I might as well be walking down in my birthday suit. At least then I would have a reason to be embarrassed.

I don't know if any of this is even making sense, I just need to get it out I guess. So many people have real problems with depression, health, fears that are totally justified. This seems so petty even to me but at the moment I can't even rationalize that out in my mind.

If I could just be seated before anyone else arrives and have them behind me I would be fine. My middle son is bestman and will be escorting me down the aisle with my husband walking behind me. I have told myself everyone will be looking at the bride not caring about the mother of the groom, for crying out loud. I have tried all the rationalizing with myself. I just can't seem to breath and get down that aisle at the same time.

On a day that is supposed to be a happy celebration, I don't want to be so self-centered about how I look that I keep myself or anyone else from enjoying the occasion. I don't want to ruin this for my son. If I can just get down that aisle and be seated I think I will be fine with the rest.

 

[Quoll]

I was not sure whether to start a new thread or post this here but I have decided in order to deal with my emotions at the moment I have to verbalize them to someone. Thanks in advance for letting me do it here.

About 3 years ago I went through a very brief period of panic attacks. Lots of things could trigger one. I felt like I just wanted to stay home and not have to deal with people. It would pass for a while until something else triggered it. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to work through. I was very thankful it was short-lived.

Now, a little over a week away from my oldest sons wedding, I am beginning to experience those same feelings. I have been putting it off as stress from the job, etc., but after being awake most of this night, I have to admit I know it is not the job.

This is going to sound so dumb and it is so stupid even to my own way of thinking but I can't help how I feel. I am not worried about him getting married, whether he has found the right mate, or anything that would justify sleepless nights. I am worried about putting on that dress and those heels and walking down that aisle in front of all those people! People I haven't seen in a while and lots and lots of them.

There, I said it. I admitted it. How dumb is that! I should feel great. I should feel confident after loosing all that weight. It was the first time ever that I have been able to order a dress and not have to have it altered to fit.

It took me months to decide on the dress. I chose conservative and yet stylish compared to what the clothing industry seems to deem appropriate dress for the mother of the bride/groom. Everything I put on fit and yet when I looked in the mirror I still have the same image of myself in my head. I feel like I am trying to be something I'm not. I might as well be walking down in my birthday suit. At least then I would have a reason to be embarrassed.

I don't know if any of this is even making sense, I just need to get it out I guess. So many people have real problems with depression, health, fears that are totally justified. This seems so petty even to me but at the moment I can't even rationalize that out in my mind.

If I could just be seated before anyone else arrives and have them behind me I would be fine. My middle son is bestman and will be escorting me down the aisle with my husband walking behind me. I have told myself everyone will be looking at the bride not caring about the mother of the groom, for crying out loud. I have tried all the rationalizing with myself. I just can't seem to breath and get down that aisle at the same time.

On a day that is supposed to be a happy celebration, I don't want to be so self-centered about how I look that I keep myself or anyone else from enjoying the occasion. I don't want to ruin this for my son. If I can just get down that aisle and be seated I think I will be fine with the rest.

WRONG wrong wrong.

It's real, it's not petty, it is justified.
It may not be rational and it may not make sense doesn't make it any less unpleasant.
I would guess that it's the same sort of feeling you had before you lost the weight, not that it matters that much, most panic attacks are reported to stem from a certain incident or time in our lives, it's a remembered response.

This may be true who knows, mine are lost in the mists of time, maybe they come from being shy and simply multiplied as I got older, no idea. I just know there are times when the thought of people looking at me freaks me out, not rational, hell most people these days avoid looking at each other so it's not likely they are paying attention to me anyway.

Some days I can rationlise myself out of it, walk down the street and not give a shit, on the bad days I can at least accept that the symptoms I am experiencing are from the panic attack and nothing else, I know they will pass eventually and I can just put my head down and go.

How to deal with it? Meh, what works one day may not the next, I do know that the actual experience is generally a major anticlimax after the weeks of worrying, I try to focus on that, in your case you are going to stress out for days over something that will most likely last 30 seconds.
Another tactic I use is denial, I try to shove it so far into the back of my mind and get involved in anything not related to the upcoming problem and not pay attention to any stray thoughts. Of coure there are always people who will remind you .
You can also try the fuck it who cares method, (actually very good), walk in there with an "I dare you to say something" attitude (faked or otherwise).

I had more to say but a very unhappy baby took up my time and my train of thought has left the station I'm afraid.

Keep trying to out logic the thoughts, I wish you well and at least when it's over you'll be able to look back and wonder why it bothered you so much (cold comfort I know).
Good luck.

 

[bobsgirl]

Emptynester in addition to what my friend pq said...

Please don't question the validity of your feelings, or your right to have them. Your feelings are every bit as important to you as mine are to me.And nobody has the right to tell you you shouldn't feel that way.

I can tell you that people there will think you're beautiful because of the happiness you have for your son and his new wife. I would encourage you to tell your son, or whoever is escorting you to your seat, that you are a bit nervous about it. Perhaps they can help calm you. As you're walking focus on something in the front of the church - the altar, the flowers, your son, whatever. Concentrate on that and on taking slow deep breaths.

I know you can do it, and I know you will be absolutely gorgeous.

 

[Fflow]

emptynester

The amazing thing is that you've accomplished so much. You've overcome your weight challenges, your panic attacks, and raised your son to be a stand-up guy. Everyone in the church will be celebrating your son's wedding, but they'll also be honoring you for doing such a great job as both a mother, and as a human being. I know that, as you enter the church, you will feel the love, support, respect, and admiration that everyone feels for you. You will feel lifted up, supported, and celebrated. Congrats on becoming the person you are, and for sharing your light and life with the world. You are an inspiration to everyone who knows you.

 

[Fflow]

panic attack & adrenaline mitigation

FYI, I had a series of events over the last 5 years that I thought were cardiac in nature but, now, after going through every test available, we've determined that they're not. The most likely explanation is panic attack.

The Dr I saw said that the human body produces adrenaline when experiencing stress. Unlike many other naturally occuring bodily chemicals, it does not break down. It can stay in the body for a long time and gradually increase until it reaches a critical level, and a fight/flight reaction occures.

He said that the only way to metabolize adrenaline is by breaking it down in the large muscles. The legs, especially, are effective at reducing adrenaline levels. People always say that exercise is important but, for us with this problem, it is actually a significant preventative measure.