Desultory and Impulsive

[y=mx+b]

Even my darker thoughts....

I don't know.
They are just so... romantic.

For example.

I have this thought--and it's just so simple it's difficult for me to think of it as "dark". But I understand how for some it could be.

I have this thought where I gag her, put a pillowcase over her head, secure it around her neck so it cant be shaken off, and tie her hands in front of her with a length of rope long enough to lead her around.

How is this romantic?

It's romantic in the sense that I am with her and she with me.

Even in the event of being strong handed by how fast I walk, how hard I pull her along.

We are together

Unconventionally

Like our friendship.
Like our relationship.

I am with her
And she with me

I can feel her
Just as I feel her now
Reading this

And understanding

Understanding when so many don't
-- where so many don't

I sit here thinking about her
Her head covered
--mouth gagged
Her bound hands
--advertently throwing her off balance
Feeling her trying not to stumble

Stopping silently before her
Feeling her stupidly run into my chest
Taking hold of her hair
Blindly by the pillowcase

 

[y=mx+b]

What if I were to cut her?















































Just a little bit.

 

[y=mx+b]

What if I were to text her
To tell her how I loved her?

What if I did
And she appreciated it
But really wished I hadn't?

What if she wished that I would
And is frustrated that I don't?

What if all this isn't real
And I just strung you all along
Believing that it was?

 

[y=mx+b]

Domestic discord

Me: This is what we are going to do. At 5 o'clock. We are going to load up the dog and go to the park...

My wife: I don't oppose the idea of getting out of the house but I'm looking at the time and all the things that need to get done around the house and the reality is...

Me (all Morpheus/The Ancient One-like, complete with a slight arching wave of the hand): "Time is not a reality..." Her (in full force Enneagram One/Spock-mode) "Time is a reality..."

Me: (Abruptly cutting her off)
Time ...is a constraint

Her:

 

[y=mx+b]

What if I were to cut her?





Just a little bit.

Do any of you assholes know how creepy this is?
I mean... I do
But then I wrote it
So it's a given--for me at least.

Seriously.

I get a kick out of these sadist tumblrs.
There's always some glitz or glam about them particularly the ones headed by some idealistic masochistic hello-kitty twenteen year old girl

I kinda hate those bitches

 

[y=mx+b]

Astride inside
This secular though of a book
Creeping cowardly towards towns
So far off on the distance
A thought can't think
Without falling fast asleep
To memories of chewing gum

Cinnamon
Mint

The zig zag pattern on each stick

 

[y=mx+b]

She was a Sagittarius
Worse yet
She was one that knew that she was

I could tell that she was just by how she carried herself
Confidently coquettish
Yet always an arms length away

She was the kind of broad every guy with two balls and a dick for women thought they had a chance with.

I blew her off

I blow them all off

Because they hate it

I smirked and took a sip of my drink as I watched her watch me out of the corner of my eye.

We were going to fuck
It was only a matter of time

We were going to fuck
And it was going to be everything we both knew it would be

Brutal and beautiful
Full of compassion for the act
And hatred of each other
Knowing full well
How there was never ever
Going to be another
That would fuck us like the other

I could already taste the split lip bit lip blood in my mouth
And the thought of it made me want the act to happen sooner than we were both ready for

I shot her a glance
I made sure it was one of unimpressed disinterest

She held it
Dissected
Decoded it
And saw straight into my soul.

 

[y=mx+b]

If there's one thing I know right now

...it is that I do not want to be up.
I would much rather still be sleeping.



That is all.

 

[y=mx+b]

I miss her

I do not miss her like someone I want to fuck
I miss her
Because she is a real part of me

As I write this
I very much feel a real pull towards her

It's as if I could reach just beyond the screen and touch her face and see her eyes close as she turns her head in such a way her lips quietly kiss the palm of my hand

 

[y=mx+b]

Watching an educational video

The set of the video looks to be one of those southern California McMansion homes that aren't much good for living in but great for shooting such videos--and porn.

 

[y=mx+b]

I keep waiting for the girl to come out playing all stupid-like, dressed in something slutty.

 

[y=mx+b]

I want frosting for breakfast.

 

[y=mx+b]

Buttercream.

 

[y=mx+b]

What I am looking forward to the most...

is whispering in her ear--

"My fist still remembers what it feels like to be up inside you."





Because it does.




My fist
My wrist
My fingers circling her cervix...

All of it remembered so vividly.

 

[y=mx+b]

It's strange...

...how someone I hold so dear and have so much compassion for...



can so suddenly become just a piece of meat to me.

 

[y=mx+b]

I'm pretty sure...

...it's a defense mechanism.

You know
As if to distance myself from her while she is here.

 

[y=mx+b]

I am also pretty sure...

...that I want oatmeal for breakfast.

 

[y=mx+b]

Also. I am pretty sure I am thinking about her.

Nothing dirty
Nothing sensual or sexy

Just laying in bed
Thinking about her


Which I guess is kinda sensual

Perhaps romantic


My inner boy-self hopes it's not romantic because romantic stuff is gross

No matter
My thoughts are about her

And her everyday ordinary life.

 

[y=mx+b]

Update:

Changed my mind about the oatmeal. Strikes me as being too labor intensive this morning.

But we'll see.

 

[y=mx+b]

It was a damn long day.
The kind where I get to wondering
And realizing

This is it
This is all I amounted to

We joke about it at work
Where the reply "livin' the dream"
Has become the standard sad answer to any passing by question of "how's your day?"

I think I may actually get some sleep tonight

But I don't know
Because now I am thinking of her

I like thinking of her

I like thinking how we are not going to fuck and how much my touch will convey such a desire just to spite my weak ability to remain internally rational

If there is one thing I secret wish to be allowed to do--it is to let go of all the chains I've had to hold in order to hold myself back


And that is all I wish to say for tonight.

 

[Icy1]

You should try Overnight Oats.

 

[y=mx+b]

That would require having something I greatly lack--forethought.

 

[y=mx+b]

Home alone. Laying in bed.

Staring at a blank screen.
It is a rainy overcast night
But oddly warm

Humid I guess.

I have an image in my head
A thought

A notion really

Something somewhere

A something that is familiar to you.






All of you.




I really can't say what it is
But you know what it is

But not what you think it is
Because it's not an emotion

But it's certainly
--a feeling

A space outside of you
That fills a space inside of you


You know... kinda like the concept
Of a cock and a vagina

Both pretty cool on their own
But together...



Together.

That feeling.
You know?

Yeah... you know

I know you know

I know you know
Because I can feel me touching you
I can feel your quiet
And your want to be quiet
And your want to feel

To feel... missed.

To feel important

To feel together




Inside of you.

 

[y=mx+b]

Longing to touch

To hold
To feel that feeling

It's like the air surrounding you
It moves with you
It fills you

I long to glide my finger across her
The fabric of her clothing
The speed bump lip of a hem
Between what covers her
--and naked flesh

Warm
Human
Feminine

Breathing the same air as I
In the same space as I

Hearing her inhale
And exhale


Watching her body rise and fall

 

[y=mx+b]

How am I to hold you still
Like I want to?

Alone.