Do I have a problem?

[UCE]

I was thinking more of extreme sex, like what you feel when you have no job and are about to get evicted or when your partner seems close to dying, that kind of thing. Not ordinary living pressure. However... working on Wallstreet is something I would qualify right up there with the other kinds of very extreme stress, so I hope you have a strong ticker, Marquis!

I know a dominant-sadistic sort of guy who is around your age who picks up older women (usually 20-30 years older) online all the time and becomes their evil "daddy!" (That is his biggest thing--being the cruel horny daddy in roleplay.) One of the reasons he can do this is that he's really, really smooth and knows how to treat sub women, but also it's because he does not come across as a particular age online. While you don't have the evil horny daddy persona, lol, you also don't come across as being any particular age. If you hadn't annouced your age, I might have thought mid-thirties, just going by writing style, general world knowlege, and vocabulary.

I met another man once, who turned out to be 19, who was a classic dominant--responsible, mature, intuitive, very understanding when it came to submissives--and I thought he was at least 50 for the first two weeks until I heard his real age mentioned.

So I think you'd do well meeting women online. There are lots of problems with online of course. It's really hard to find someone who lives close enough for visits to be realistic, so you find yourself smitten by somebody who lives thousands of miles away and who can't afford to travel and that sucks! You also meet, and there are people here who are much better informed about this than I am, a lot of people who, no matter what they initially say, are not interested in carrying the relationship to a real, in-person level. So there are lots of drawbacks to meeting others online but it is one way to breech the age/gereration barrier.

Older women vary widely in whether they care about age or not. Some don't give a shit as long as your personality is compatible, some really like the youth thing because it means you'll get it up a lot more often with them than a man their own age, and others have ageist issues and won't have anything to do with you if they find out your actual age. Sometimes this isn't a predjudical feeling of "he can't know or do anything at that age"--sometimes the woman just thinks she'll look so old and tired and wrinkled compared to a much younger man. And while you might not mind these signs of aging, she will. Usually the women who are into the extreme stuff (I talk to a lot of them because we're kindred spirits) aren't too picky about age. People who have been online a long time also know that a person's mental age can sometimes have nothing to do with his chronological age.

Your story of the 29-year-old is very funny, from my perspective, as to me, the average 29-year old is still almost as immature as the average 20 year old. I don't see a whole lot of difference betwen those two ages! But apparently she did.

One thing that I think is true for most deeply submissive women, although people love to argue this point with me, is that inside they are emotionally childlike. If you can learn to see "older" sub women not as these big mature grownup women of 29, 35, or even 50 but rather as women's bodies walking around with little girls inside (ages vary from infancy to about 12), you'll start to act toward submissives in a way that they can strongly relate to, and you'll be more successful in picking them up. All such women have a strong fake compensatory personality, a phony "grown up" that they put on to face the world, but that personality is not a real one for most submissives and they will respond strongly and emotionally when you treat them as more like their emotional age. They like it, in other words.

This is real-politic, underlying psychology, and not something most submissives will admit to outright. In fact, they often very angrily deny such a thing if you bring it up to them directly. That's just their false personalities defending themselves, the child within themselves, from the world again althugh they think they are telling you the truth. But you never have to bring it up directly. You talk with big adult words and concepts because mentally we submissives are not babies at all, but you act toward them in emotional terms as if there is this cute little girl inside them and you are the adult. If you, as the more mature adult personality, can successfully initiate emotional contact _with_ that little girl you'll have that submissive woman eating out of your hand.

Unda

Well, stress probably has partially to do with it, but I doubt it is everything. She is considerably less horny when she has a lot of things on her mind and she is trying hard in school. But she has been really horny when we were in school before and she hasn't been as horny even when we have had free time recently.

Also, even though I understand that stress can affect a sex drive, I think there is a degree of sensitivity to it that is extreme. I mean, we are NEVER going to be totally unstressed and I can't accept only having good sex on vacations. Besides, I am probably going to be working on Wall st. after I graduate and I will probably have a total of two weeks vacation time in my first two years at my firm. If its a serene lifestyle that she needs to feel horny, then its probably not going to happen.

Also, I have actually always wanted to fuck with an older woman, I just wouldn't know how to pick one up. I picked up a 29 year old at a bar once and she wouldnt shut up about how young I was (almost got me kicked out of the bar). When I finally got her back to my apartment she kept laughing at how "college" my apartment was, and by that time I was sobering up and she was getting less and less funny. I introduced her to my roommate (who ended up fucking her) and just smoked a joint and went to sleep.

Anyway, I would still love to hook up with an older woman sometime, I am just not sure where to meet them in my area. Also, how many older women wouldn't mind how yound I am?

 

[SexyChele]

I want to bring back this topic briefly to ask another question.

Have any of you ever wavered in your desire for BDSM? I feel like my desire has steadily increased since I learned about it and have had experience with it, but as I said above, my ex-girlfriend used to be really into it but hates it now. My question to all of you is whether or not you think it is possible that she could become reingratiated to being my sub.

She and I are considering getting back together and whether or not I will be able to fulfill my need to dominate with her is a serious factor in whether or not I want her back. Do you think a true sub could waver in and out of a need for BDSM, or is it usually a "once you start you never look back" type of thing? I would feel a lot better if I knew it was possible that she's just not ready for it now, and may be later in life.

She now says that when we did it it was fun, but she just feels like she is done with that now. Let me know what you all think. Another thing to add though is the fact that she is also not NEARLY as horny as she used to be. My sexual apetite has always been a lot higher than hers, but she barely even gets wet anymore and she never initiates sex. I've always noticed that she gets kinkier when she's hornier, so I wasn't totally surprised with her lack of desire for kink since she hasn't been horny recently, but that doesnt fix the problem. I just wanted to offer the idea that maybe the root of the problem is her horniness and not her aversion to BDSM per se.

Anyway, I gave you all the info I could think of, let me know what you all think.

I've gone through periods of not necessarily needing BDSM in my life, but I've always come back to it. And those periods have always been brief in nature. I don't know what prompts them, either. I think boredom has a lot to do with it for me. Same old, same old quickly makes me lose interest until I either think of something new and/or I'm with a Dominant that can be very creative. (A lot aren't - at least the ones I've met. They have a "formula" for what they like and vary little from it) But, then, I can also have a 'nilla encounter and find that satisfying on occasion as well.

From what you've stated here, I would say your ex is finished with the whole BDSM thing. If you contemplating getting back together, you need to communicate with her that this is a part of your sexuality. Also, that you expect it to grow, and need a partner who is willing to grow with you and not engage in it on a part time basis or whenever they feel it might be "fun". She might be thinking this is a "phase" and you will get over it, so honesty really is the only key.

As far as being horny, I know that if I'm under a great deal of stress, my desire for sex can either escalate or drop. Sorta weird, really. I know when I was in college and studying for finals, I was insatiable. Now, if something is bothering me at work, masturbation can seem like a chore. So, I can't speak for your girlfriend, but again, communication may be the key.

As far as older women? Again, it depends. I don't find men who are more than 5 years younger than me attractive because we don't have much in common to talk about - and that is something that is important to me, but might not be to other women. There are women in their 30s and 40s who would love to have a "boytoy", yes. You will probably have to weed through quite a few, however, before finding one who will take the plunge. It could be a match that is perfect for both of you: no commitment (typically), no strings, meet whenever convenient, end it when you've had enough and/or meet some one you want to get involved with on a deeper level. Just remember, this works both ways. Only stating this as I've met a couple of men in their 20s who felt they were "in love" and I didn't feel the same way - they were just toys but couldn't accept that. (Hence, the reason I don't get involved in that age range anymore)

You will work it out, I'm sure of it. You at least know who you are and what you want. It's a matter of finding it, which can seem difficult now, but with patience and determination, you will suceed.

 

[Marquis]

Thanks a lot for your posts SexyChele and UCE. I don't have time to respond at length right now, but I want you to know I really appreciate the advice.

 

[brnsuga]

...It was very cathartic for me to be able to talk about things like wanting to sexually humiliate and degrade women and getting a positive respone. It made me feel a little better about the feelings that I have always had, but my insecurity is starting to return.

I always knew BDSM was for me before I even knew it existed. I love women of all types, but I have always been attracted to strong, intelligent women. When it comes to sex however, I always knew I wanted someone to be subservient to me and someone who didn't mind a little abuse. I can get very animalistic and creative during sex, and it wasn't easy repressing those desires out of fear of how my partner would react.

1... I am at a point where I feel like I NEED BDSM to get turned on in sex. Is this normal, especially with me being so young (20)? ... Am I normal for needing it so badly?

2 I sometimes feel like I might be sexually INSATIABLE....Should I be looking for a hornier woman or should I be looking for help for myself? Is it possible I am addicted to sex or something like that?

3 ...is it ok to get turned on by hurting someone, and does it mean I dont care about them enough if I want them to feel pain when we have sex?

4 Also, as a final thing, I really really like anal a lot. ... This has been a problem too, since no woman wants (or can take) anal as much as I would like to dish it out.

Anyway, give me your diagnosis Litsters, is Marquis one sick cookie, or is there hope for me after all?

MARQUIS:
Great thread! I came across it for the first time today while searching for something else. I envy the way you were able to so succinctly describe your dilemma. Also, know this, Marquis - you are madly in love with your ex-girlfriend; otherwise, your strong sexual urges would have caused you to completely dismiss her from your life long ago. Read the rest of my message and let me know what you think about my proposed solution.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes to ponder:

"MA SEULE FAIBLESSE EST DE NE POUVOIR DISTINGUER MES BESOINS DE MES CAPRICES."

which is French for:

"MY ONLY PROBLEM IS NOT BEING ABLE TO DISTINGUISH MY NEEDS FROM MY WANTS".

You asked if you have a problem. In my opinion, this quote pinpoints what your problem is. IMO, your question should NOT be "Do I have a problem?", it should be "Will I eventually be forced to make some responsible adult decisions/choices about my life?" or "Can I have all my cake and still eat it too?". For example, I once dated a guy who absolutely CRAVED high quality cuts of prime rib. But, I am a strict vegetarian (I don't eat anything that had a mommy or a daddy - no beef, chicken, fish, etc.) My friend was a busy person and on the few nights a month when he had time to go out to a nice dinner, he not only wanted to be with me, he also wanted to go to his favorite restaurant which rolled out big dead cow carcasses to your table in order to let you select your cut of prime rib. Although this was one of the most expensive restaurants in town, I hated it because to me,the whole place reeked of decaying cow flesh. Long story short, he chose to modify his restaurant choice so that he could continue to enjoy my company. He WANTED prime rib, but he NEEDED me. Granted, your choice is much more complex than this one. But one of the important dividing lines between maturity and immaturity is being able to clearly discern this difference between wants (optional) and needs (required).

At this point in my life, I can't even IMAGINE having sex without making a LOT of noise. Right now, I would say this is something I absolutely NEED to do. However, if I were ever to have children, I would have to realize that a mature responsible parent must choose to modify such behavior to keep peace in the household. Later in life, I would hopefully have the maturity to choose to sacrifice something I now feel is an absolute "need".

And so you also have a choice to make. Only you can decide what your priorities are and even then, those priorities will change. Why is it so important that you find this person NOW and make this choice NOW,...or even soon? You are worried about things like the "Madonna-Whore" syndrome when, in my opinion, it is far too early for you to be thinking about settling down. Explore. Experiment. Test your own boundaries and limitations. I have found that when I go too far out on that experimental limb, I can sense my own discomfort and thus, I teach myself something about what I THOUGHT my needs were vs. what they actually are.

What Pure said was important: a good guideline is whether this activity interferes with your functioning as a useful member of society at large. If you decide to give in to your baser instincts and end up seriously injuring someone, then your ability to function as a useful member of society will be involuntarily curtailed, will it not? And if you decide that the only way you can be fulfilled sexually is to have loud, violent sex 10 times a day, then you have probably identified a red flag type of problem which will interfere with your ability to function as a productive member of society. Can we afford to consistently indulge the outer limits of our desires if it destroys the rest of what we consider to be important to our lives? Where and when must reasonable limits be set? Every mature adult MUST answer these questions for him/her self.

A fear of losing control is natural but it should not be a distracting obsession. For example, if you are walking across a bridge and find yourself dismissing from your conciousness the random thought of jumping off the bridge, that's one thing. But if you are constantly late for work because you have trouble getting across the bridge due to an obsession with the idea of jumping, then that's another thing entirely. That's an obsessive-compulsive disorder which needs to be treated with anti-depressants to create a better balance between the chemicals in your brain. You may still have the thoughts, but the compulsive inability to control them will go away.

Actually, only you can assess where you are with this and whether it is bothering you enough to seek a professional opinion. But, it doesn't seem to be at a crisis stage because if it were, you would not have been so repulsed by that willing and able girl you brought home from the bar.

Question: rather than trying to find all of these qualities in one person, why don't you seek them out in several people? Isn't it a bit early for you to be looking for a permanent life partner? Go to the BDSM personals in your town and keep looking until you find someone who will help you find out where your sexual boundaries are. But also continue to date the women that you like for other reasons and see how things go in that arena. Who knows? You might find that your BDSM girl has other sides to her personality. Or you may find that your "straight" girlfriend develops an interest in BDSM.

Meanwhile, try to find that experienced BDSM girl ASAP - you sound like someone who (as Missy Elliot might rap) is long overdue to "Get Ur Freak On".

Good luck!
brnsuga

 

[Marquis]

Wow, what a walk down memory lane.

 

[chelleb]

One thing that I think is true for most deeply submissive women, although people love to argue this point with me, is that inside they are emotionally childlike. If you can learn to see "older" sub women not as these big mature grownup women of 29, 35, or even 50 but rather as women's bodies walking around with little girls inside (ages vary from infancy to about 12), you'll start to act toward submissives in a way that they can strongly relate to, and you'll be more successful in picking them up. All such women have a strong fake compensatory personality, a phony "grown up" that they put on to face the world, but that personality is not a real one for most submissives and they will respond strongly and emotionally when you treat them as more like their emotional age. They like it, in other words.

This is real-politic, underlying psychology, and not something most submissives will admit to outright. In fact, they often very angrily deny such a thing if you bring it up to them directly. That's just their false personalities defending themselves, the child within themselves, from the world again althugh they think they are telling you the truth. But you never have to bring it up directly. You talk with big adult words and concepts because mentally we submissives are not babies at all, but you act toward them in emotional terms as if there is this cute little girl inside them and you are the adult. If you, as the more mature adult personality, can successfully initiate emotional contact _with_ that little girl you'll have that submissive woman eating out of your hand.

Unda

I know this thread is pretty old, and was bumped by Marquis last night, but I read the above words and just had to comment.

Wow. Those are some pretty powerful paragraphs. I have to say, that I have to agree with what you said Unda.

I am a sub. I have yet to have any real-life experience in BDSM, however I have talked at length to a few doms here and there, and have done a lot of reasding and research on the web (lots of thanks to Lit!). I'm in my mid-thirties and have recently (over the last few months or so) started to notice that some of the habits and feelings I had as a kid are surfacing, and for the life of me couldn't figure out why. These are things that I haven't thought about or experienced in at least 15-20 years. At the moment, I don't feel like getting into what those habits and feelings are, but at some point in the future I may.

And if anyone had ever brought this up and told me what you said in your quote, I'd have done just what you said, deny it all vehemently. Reading what you said so long ago, it amazes me at how much it parallels my own life.

Sorry if some of my thoughts seem jumbled, it's late here and time for bed, lol.

 

[Netzach]

Here's why that breaks down for me.
The "inner child" thing is pretty universal. One could just as easily say that Marquis and most male Dominants if they cut the bullshit are like boys who like to play and constructing things, or cowboys and indians with rope and threats. You can apply it all over.

It's just sexier when we do it to femsubs.

No no no no not ME not MY MASTER he's a fully fledged competent adult.

Let's either get onto a massive bullshit-free bandwagon or quit selectively applying our fantasies about one class of people in this little subculture and not the rest.

I definitely have an inner child. She's usually screaming. I make no compensatory bones about it. She also never got a pony.

 

[BiBunny]

Jesus, Netz, if you'd only told me that a pony would solve all your problems, I'd have sent you one of the mean little fuckers a long time ago.

 

[SirLeo]

I have to agree with Nez. Let's cut all the bullshit. I can accept that I jsut like perverted kinky sex sometimes. I like it from the Dom persepctive. I am not Dom full time etc. nor is my wife a full time submissive. But when we go there we both really like it. I fantasize about having a male sub lick my cock (and my wife's pussy) while I fuck her. Does that make me bi? gay? who knows who cares. Its just exciting. Being submissive doesn't excite me. But I imagine someone who does get excitied from being submissive just does, not because they are emotionally still a child. I'm certain some subs are emotionally immature but so are many Doms. Just my 2 cents.

Here's why that breaks down for me.
The "inner child" thing is pretty universal. One could just as easily say that Marquis and most male Dominants if they cut the bullshit are like boys who like to play and constructing things, or cowboys and indians with rope and threats. You can apply it all over.

It's just sexier when we do it to femsubs.

No no no no not ME not MY MASTER he's a fully fledged competent adult.

Let's either get onto a massive bullshit-free bandwagon or quit selectively applying our fantasies about one class of people in this little subculture and not the rest.

I definitely have an inner child. She's usually screaming. I make no compensatory bones about it. She also never got a pony.

 

[Marquis]

I think that a lot of BDSM is an attempt to get in touch with our inner child-like emotional side, from each side of the whip.

Discussing it from one perspective, particularly when responding to a specific need to hear it from that perspective, isn't the same thing as claiming that it's only true for one gender and orientation.

 

[twysted73]

Hmm...

Rather thoughtful a series of questions.

So I will address them regardless of what's already been said and despite the topic wanderings that plague most questions posed by OP's.

1 I am at a point where I feel like I NEED BDSM to get turned on in sex. Is this normal, especially with me being so young (20)? I am no longer with her, and I am very concerned that the next person I find myself with may not be into BDSM, and I am very worried about how much I am limiting myself by only being able to be with women who are into that. Am I normal for needing it so badly?

Your tastes are refining. You're discovering daily (as are we all) just what buttons need to be pushed inorder for the grand finale to take place.
This...is very normal.
You're 20? Lucky you as you've discovered early on something some if not most of the rest of us have taken more years to discover and fully accept. You've made progress. Don't step back now.
What turns each us on is as unique and justifiable as anything else we enjoy. Puritanicals have no place in the bedroom.
Take what you enjoy. Enjoy what you take. Engage with people who can supply what you need and enjoy what you like. Simple as that.

2 I sometimes feel like I might be sexually INSATIABLE. Given the oppurtunity I could probably have sex for an unlimited number of times in a row. I understand different people may have different sexual drives, but I am concerned that I will EVER be able to find a woman who could tolerate my need for sex. Should I be looking for a hornier woman or should I be looking for help for myself? Is it possible I am addicted to sex or something like that?

I seem to draw and discover very sexual women. After a while you can walk into a room and just feel who's "on your side" and who's not.
They come in all ages, heights and colors. And if you fear wearing any of them out...keep in mind you have 10 more years before your prostate needs to be checked, your testerone levels begin to drop and your joints start to protest.
Again...you're fine.

3 I almost always treat BDSM as something to remain in the bedroom and nothing more. My only problem: There is a question I cant help but ask myself though, is it ok to get turned on by hurting someone, and does it mean I dont care about them enough if I want them to feel pain when we have sex?
*laughs a little*
You chose your name for a reason.
You and I, we are in the same boat as well as the same state.
Massochists abound. And if you cannot find one...make one.
I know, sounds rather absurd. "Making a massochist".
But I've always been of the firm belief that if you posess the mind, the body will follow.
I dug a wheel into the clavicular muscl grouping of my submissive recently.
Until that moment, she had never shown an aptitude for pain.
Something to consider.
And yes....sadism is normal so long as massochism is normal for your subject.
Just be as selective as you have been and continue to be.
Find someone who can smile at you and say "But you hurt me because you care enough to. I see it as a sign that you feel deeply for me."
*faceslap*

4 Also, as a final thing, I really really like anal a lot. Almost anytime I am fucking a girls pussy I think about how much better I would like it if it were in her ass. This has been a problem too, since no woman wants (or can take) anal as much as I would like to dish it out.
So you have a fetish. Most of us do.
People throw that word around quite often but I wonder if many know the difference between a kink and a fetish?
There are anal fans out there. (a smaller group, but, again, if you;ve been reading you already know you can make your own under the right circumstances)
Enlightened women who, with a skilled partner, would be happy to take the attention.
All of this dear Marquis, is perfectly normal.
And here, once entering the room, I thought I'd find myself perplexed by your conundrums.
Once again you are among peers who nod in approval and welcome you to the fold of which you've never left.


Anyway, give me your diagnosis Litsters, is Marquis one sick cookie, or is there hope for me after all?

Having been in the medical field for 11 years I can say with certainty you are as right as rain.
Just confused about whether your actions are or not. "The moment we stop asking "why" is the moment we cease being human."

Glad to see you posting.

~ Slainte`

 

[CutieMouse]

Rather thoughtful a series of questions.

<snip>

Anyway, give me your diagnosis Litsters, is Marquis one sick cookie, or is there hope for me after all?

Marquis has always been one sick cookie, and hope is what keeps us young...

*chuckle*

 

[Marquis]

You're 20?

I was, in 2002.

Having been in the medical field for 11 years I can say with certainty you are as right as rain.
Just confused about whether your actions are or not. "The moment we stop asking "why" is the moment we cease being human."

Glad to see you posting.

~ Slainte`

Although those posts were from a few years ago, I still appreciate hearing your responses.

I think I had a sincerity in my questioning those days that I don't have any more and I guess that makes me sad.

Truthfully, I'm starting to feel really old. The world doesn't look quite the same these days as it did then.

 

[JMohegan]

The "inner child" thing is pretty universal. One could just as easily say that Marquis and most male Dominants if they cut the bullshit are like boys who like to play and constructing things, or cowboys and indians with rope and threats. You can apply it all over.

Chuckling here.

See "Topping" in this post.

 

[camelotak]

Truthfully, I'm starting to feel really old. The world doesn't look quite the same these days as it did then.

The world never does. My world is completely different then when I was 20. And I expect it will look entirely different again when I am 60. Join the club.