Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

[Vitriolhack]

I'm pretty settled that I am going to have some sexual secrets and I'm ok with that. My guess is that she does too, and that's ok. "Desire requires space" as Esther Perel says...

I love Esther Perel, she has a few Ted Talks that I recommend everyone listen to.

 

[varv]

I'm on this new year's holiday confessed to everything! And found understanding. With than themselves I congratulate!

 

[sterculius]

A few years ago, in a moment of candor, I admitted to my wife that as a youth I used to enjoy sucking the cock of my very well hung, best friend and that I served as his willing and eager personal cocksucker for a number of years giving him blowjobs anytime he wanted one. She was quite surprised, but attributed it to adolescent sexual experimentation, which in fact it was. I omitted telling her that I still enjoy "experimenting" with other men whenever the opportunity presents itself. A number of times I have attempted to revisit the conversation, in the hope that I might come clean with her regarding my ongoing oral obsession, but each time I do she quickly changes the subject, the last time becoming impatient with my persistence. I wonder if she suspects that I'm still a Cocksucker but would prefer not to know for sure.

 

[shaayyne]

Hide my sexual needs? No... However, our respective sex drives are going in opposite directions - hers less, mine more).

Talk of sex often quickly moves to argument. The act of sex rarely happens. Intimacy of any sort often stalls.

There are other things that are probably "in play" to some extent (medications with side effects). However, if we're objective - these intimacy issues were present a few years before the meds.

If I'm honest, I'm probably a meal ticket.

Bringing this full circle, I do not hide my sexual needs. However, they certainly do not get addressed.

 

[FrozenBlue]

Yes. I didn’t know what my sexual needs were until after we got married. And now that there’s a relationship baseline, it’s really hard to figure out how to change that. Consequently, no one’s sexual needs get met very often. It’s a sad reality and I’d like to change it. Hopefully someday...In the meantime, the rest of our relationship is pretty great, and I know many have it much worse.

 

[tallladiesman]

How have I missed this thread for so long???
In common with a lot of people on lit my sexual needs and desires are not being met in my relationship. If they were I would not be on here. What makes it more irritating is she thinks our sex life is great the once a month anything happens.
I keep suggesting a few minor kinks to spice things up, she's having none of it.
So in answer to the question yes I keep my sexual urges a secret because if she won't try basic links there ain't much chance of a threesome

 

[FrozenBlue]

I think we all feel more comfortable opening up to some stranger on line then we do to our own partner.

So much this...

 

[luckyseven]

My wife has seen me masturbate many times and it no longer gets her attraction but caught me watching an explicit video - that had the desired effect! But not what I was expecting.

Interesting, what was her reaction?

Because of my job, I travel a lot. I spend four or five months per year away from home, in different countries and continents. I 've never hidden from my husband that during these periods of long absence, masturbation is not the only way for me to achieve orgasm.

Like occasional-lover my wife often spends time away from on business and that night she told me that she had a threesome with two guys on her last trip and fucked them as the woman in the video I was caught watching.

 

[Nezhul]

Well first, I don't think I've got a lot of sexual "needs" most of them are wants. Also most of my biggest wants do not expose my SO to anything or anyone outside the bedroom and don't compromise her in front of any outsiders.

I think that last bit is a big no-no for many. A lot of women - or men, for that matter - would let you do almost anything in the bedroom, as long as there's passion between you and they trust you. But not many of us would be up to including anyone else in our sex life. For me, for example, sex loses a lot of appeal when I think of including other people in it. This makes fantasies like cuckolding increasingly hard to implement, and also even talk about.

Because it may actually offend your SO if you offer her to sleep with others or even strip in front of others. That kind of thing feels almost like you prostituting her.

I mean, let's face it, you can safely ask about pretty much ANYTHING that involves only two of you. You can ask to tie her up, spank her, hurt her, even things like pee on her. You can phrase it carefully, cover angles, and if you do - the worst case scenario you get is a definite "no" and a bit of awkwardness for a few days. Then - it'll be forgotten, provided you aren't the type to keep bugging them with it.

But talk about her sleeping with another man can HURT. It can plant long-lasting seeds of alarm in her mind, and even affect her self-esteem, or make her doubt how much you love her if you are ready to share her with others. There's a preconception in our monogamous society that if you truly love someone - you'd kill sooner than see them with others. There's a notion of "cheating" and how bad it is. If you are OK with cheating - does that mean that you don't actually care about her that much and view her only as sexual object?
Now, I'm not saying that these above are the right things to think. There are, I believe, shades to everything, and eternal love doesn't really necessitate sexual possessiveness. However these are thoughts and concepts drilled into us from our early days by our society, and 95% of people WILL get those thoughts first thing.

And if you think about it, even your own fascination with your wife cheating on you comes from the same thoughts and things. Only for you, this becomes a delightful emotional masochism moment that you truly enjoy. Let's face it, if free sexual relationships were a norm, and everyone slept with other people all the time - you wouldn't care a dime if your wife did it or not. It's only the taboo that makes things like this exciting.

 

[luckyseven]

But talk about her sleeping with another man can HURT. It can plant long-lasting seeds of alarm in her mind, and even affect her self-esteem, or make her doubt how much you love her if you are ready to share her with others. There's a preconception in our monogamous society that if you truly love someone - you'd kill sooner than see them with others. There's a notion of "cheating" and how bad it is. If you are OK with cheating - does that mean that you don't actually care about her that much and view her only as a sexual object?

Now, I'm not saying that these above are the right things to think. There are, I believe, shades to everything, and eternal love doesn't really necessitate sexual possessiveness. However these are thoughts and concepts drilled into us from our early days by our society, and 95% of people WILL get those thoughts first thing.

And if you think about it, even your own fascination with your wife cheating on you comes from the same thoughts and things. Only for you, this becomes a delightful emotional masochism moment that you truly enjoy. Let's face it, if free sexual relationships were a norm, and everyone slept with other people all the time - you wouldn't care a dime if your wife did it or not. It's only the taboo that makes things like this exciting.

Much of what you write I would agree with. However, the is a difference between love and sex and in many marriages, a partner's sexual needs are not always satisfied and provided both are happy and not hurt it is not unreasonable for either party to indulge in consensual sex with another person.

If both are honest, open and not disrespectful to their partner's feelings having sex with another person can be beneficial to the relationship as trust has not been broken and there is no deceit.

My own wife has a very high sex drive and is often away from home on business. She could have been deceitful and maybe I would have remained ignorant of her actions. However, we were mature enough to discuss the matter and I am aware that she has sex when on business. I am not threatened by her actions indeed, I find it mildly arousing that another guy finds my wife sexually attractive and wants to fuck her.

If I am honest our marriage is stronger as we have no secrets and our sex life has been better.

 

[yukonnights]

A few years ago, in a moment of candor, I admitted to my wife that as a youth I used to enjoy sucking the cock of my very well hung, best friend and that I served as his willing and eager personal cocksucker for a number of years giving him blowjobs anytime he wanted one. She was quite surprised, but attributed it to adolescent sexual experimentation, which in fact it was. I omitted telling her that I still enjoy "experimenting" with other men whenever the opportunity presents itself. A number of times I have attempted to revisit the conversation, in the hope that I might come clean with her regarding my ongoing oral obsession, but each time I do she quickly changes the subject, the last time becoming impatient with my persistence. I wonder if she suspects that I'm still a Cocksucker but would prefer not to know for sure.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is afraid you are still inclined to that. Only you can know the dynamics of your relationship and whether or not you should come clean. I'm biased toward honesty, so my take may not be what works for you two. Just as a suggestion, it couldn't hurt to bring into your everyday conversations facts regarding the normalcy of human sexual diversity. There's more information from knowledgeable sources now than ever before. Short of some strongly held personal belief to the contrary, it's hard to keep one's head in the sand about same-sex attractions being a part of human experience for millennia. Ultimately she has to accept both the normalcy of it and come to a place where she feels safe in allowing you to fulfill this aspect of your being. I know it's hard...and maybe impossible in your situation, just feeling for you and wanted to offer any help I could...best wishes for you both!

 

[Vitriolhack]

Like occasional-lover my wife often spends time away from on business and that night she told me that she had a threesome with two guys on her last trip and fucked them as the woman in the video I was caught watching.

Whoooa, really not the answer I was expecting!

How did that piece of information change you? did it make you want her more?

 

[Vitriolhack]

A few years ago, in a moment of candor, I admitted to my wife that as a youth I used to enjoy sucking the cock of my very well hung, best friend and that I served as his willing and eager personal cocksucker for a number of years giving him blowjobs anytime he wanted one. She was quite surprised, but attributed it to adolescent sexual experimentation, which in fact it was. I omitted telling her that I still enjoy "experimenting" with other men whenever the opportunity presents itself. A number of times I have attempted to revisit the conversation, in the hope that I might come clean with her regarding my ongoing oral obsession, but each time I do she quickly changes the subject, the last time becoming impatient with my persistence. I wonder if she suspects that I'm still a Cocksucker but would prefer not to know for sure.

instead of talking about it, you could opt to write her a letter and have her read it. Writing it out will give you the opportunity to seriously think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Explain to her that this is who you are and how you feel.

Let her know that you still love her and that will never change.

Maybe she also needs to be reassured that you won't prefer a dick over her pussy.

 

[sterculius]

instead of talking about it, you could opt to write her a letter and have her read it. Writing it out will give you the opportunity to seriously think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Explain to her that this is who you are and how you feel.

Let her know that you still love her and that will never change.

Maybe she also needs to be reassured that you won't prefer a dick over her pussy.

I think I might be doing exactly this when I post about my dilemma and inner feelings.

 

[BBW_T&A_Lover]

My ex-SO never knew ANYTHING that I was into. Looking back, I am still glad I didn't tell her.

 

[carrollguy]

I will admit that I have had more meaningful conversations on the lit chat with virtual strangers that with my wife.

Having tried to talk to her about it, I know how she would react and judge me.

I am not unhappy about the choices I have made, but, I am curious to know if others here in the same boat I am in?

It's difficult to be honest with those we feel most vulnerable around. It's easy to take the route that leads to no confrontation. It's meaningful to have real, open, and honest discussions with those we care about, in spite of the possible judgments made against us. It's easier to be miserable and suffer needlessly and not have our needs met than to have difficult conversations about our needs and wants with those we love.

 

[rosie_dreams]

Hide

Secrets can cover a wide variety. In today's world, whether one is single or married, we tend to keep secrets from significant others. Myself, have secrets i donot share with my other half. Lit allows us to share such thoughts.

 

[Vitriolhack]

It's difficult to be honest with those we feel most vulnerable around. It's easy to take the route that leads to no confrontation. It's meaningful to have real, open, and honest discussions with those we care about, in spite of the possible judgments made against us. It's easier to be miserable and suffer needlessly and not have our needs met than to have difficult conversations about our needs and wants with those we love.

I can only talk about my specifics or in reference with the conversations I have had.
Being honest and open only works when both parties feel that they can have a conversation in a safe zone.

I am not miserable but the idea of sharing my kids 50% of the time will make me miserable.

 

[carrollguy]

I can only talk about my specifics or in reference with the conversations I have had.
Being honest and open only works when both parties feel that they can have a conversation in a safe zone.

I am not miserable but the idea of sharing my kids 50% of the time will make me miserable.

I agree and disagree with the first part of your response, but yes, sharing the kids is a bad alternative that will create misery. I wasn't aware of them so they didn't factor into my response.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I agree and disagree with the first part of your response, but yes, sharing the kids is a bad alternative that will create misery. I wasn't aware of them so they didn't factor into my response.

No worries, all good.

 

[XBeautifulSoulX]

I've never hidden anything from a previous SO but I will be in the future being open has allowed my trust to be abused and taken for granted.
Rather keep my kinks in my head then thrown in my face.

 

[Tenderkiss]

yes. I am tired of being rejected in the bedroom. So, I do not want to open myself up to being rejected again. It’s better just to keep it all to myself, at least with my SO.

The sad part is that it has started to create in me a decision to stop seeking any form of sexual desire. I am finding myself more and more not wanting sex. I mean deep down I do. But the more I think about wanting it or wishing to have it more, the more depressed I get when it doesn’t happen. And talking is a none starter. For all the times I have talked, nothing has changed. So what is the point?

 

[LizVegas79]

Yes. But it's getting harder and harder ....

 

[JerseyJade]

No, not at all.. but he only wants me to do that to him.

 

[Vitriolhack]

yes. I am tired of being rejected in the bedroom. So, I do not want to open myself up to being rejected again. It’s better just to keep it all to myself, at least with my SO.

The sad part is that it has started to create in me a decision to stop seeking any form of sexual desire. I am finding myself more and more not wanting sex. I mean deep down I do. But the more I think about wanting it or wishing to have it more, the more depressed I get when it doesn’t happen. And talking is a none starter. For all the times I have talked, nothing has changed. So what is the point?

I am supposing that there is no medical condition with your partner, like drugs that affect their libido.

Have you guys ever tried to seek help for a sexual therapist?

You say you do not want sex; Do you also mean that, when you see someone in the street particularly attractive, you have absolutely no kinky thoughts for them?

Do you get turned on by any form of internet porn?

If you are here on literotica, I am willing to bet that you have some form of sexual desire. You may not want to have sex or be intimate with your partner for whatever reason; maybe you guys are going thru a stressful period or are arguing a lot. But no sexual desire is another matter altogether.

Cheer up,

V.