Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

[luckyseven]

I'm wondering... should I deliberately let my wife catch me masturbating just to kick-start a conversation about my needs? What do people think?

My wife has seen me do that many times and it no longer gets her attraction but caught me watching an explicit video - that had the desired effect! But not what I was expecting.

 

[Vitriolhack]

My wife has seen me do that many times and it no longer gets her attraction but caught me watching an explicit video - that had the desired effect! But not what I was expecting.

Interesting, what was her reaction?

 

[CandiCame]

I'm polyamorous so I kind of have to tell people. Like it's not something I can keep to myself or I'm not poly I'm a cheating douchebag.

Plus I go into subspace pretty fast so it's also not something I can hide, because if you try then after sex people will ask why you said stupid shit and then you'll have to tell them anyway so like... it's gonna come up.

Idk, I really believe in communication in relationships. I don't hide anything. I've never understood why that's a thing that people do.

Also I think I might be too dumb to do that? I'm the worst liar ever when it's someone I care about. It's not even that I fuck it up, it's that I completely forget that I was supposed to be weaving this web of lies, just completely forget that it was a thing, so I've not tried in years.

Lying and keep secrets is for smart people. God just made me bi and stupid and sent me on my way.

 

[pumperguy191]

Of course I do......now. It turns out that I made the mistake of telling my wife of one of my desires. She ended up telling several friends and coworkers, not good. Now, I can't trust her anymore.

 

[CandiCame]

I'm wondering... should I deliberately let my wife catch me masturbating just to kick start a conversation about my needs? What do people think?

See, stuff like this. I don't get how you get caught masturbating by your wife... like why is it a secret?

I've lived with my gf for almost half a decade and if I'm jacking off I'm like, "I'll do it in a minute, I'm jacking off. Actually, also if you want some dick, like... probably jump on that, because the fact that I'm jacking off right now means that we could also have sex. It's one of the rare times no one will interrupt us. Make a decision."

Like I don't understand how you're married, like you have a relationship you decided to solidify, but you're not used to each other's sexual habits yet. I've never been married, but I've had a couple live-in relationships and I don't understand that, based on how I think the concept of relationships work.

There have been a few things similar to this on this thread and I honestly don't get why none of yhall are just talking to each other. The worst that can happen is somebody says that they don't want to do something and then you do something else, right? Like... I don't get... why this shit is secret...

I kinda get the crossdressing, bi shit being secret if you're really young, because I used to live that way, but after you've been out for a few years you stop thinking about it as a big deal (with people you trust).

 

[philos]

My SO knows about my needs and in the past we have discussed them both with a therapist and without. After 20+ years of that conversation I’ve come to the conclusion that she just doesn’t care.

 

[Vitriolhack]

My SO knows about my needs and in the past we have discussed them both with a therapist and without. After 20+ years of that conversation I’ve come to the conclusion that she just doesn’t care.

You guys have been talking about it for 20 years? Wow, that is great that you two had the courage to talk openly about it, and with a professional. Have you two come to an understanding?

 

[LizVegas79]

I will admit that I have had more meaningful conversations on the lit chat with virtual strangers that with my wife.

Having tried to talk to her about it, I know how she would react and judge me.

I am not unhappy about the choices I have made, but, I am curious to know if others here in the same boat I am in?

I am fortunate that I am quite open with my husband about my needs wants and interactions and we are fine with it, but have been open since we met. Of course, everything is firewalled and separate from family life

From reading in here, that is not the case for all, and I know a few people struggle with it too. Openness is a hard bridge to cross, despite it being the "ideal"

I've been less and less secretive with my husband in recent years.

I have to admit it is slowly paying off.

At first he didn't want to roleplay or talk "too dirty" but more and more he seems into it. We've done 3somes (FFM only so far but I remain hopeful), talked about going to a nudist resort or nudist cruise, we've checked out the local swinger's scene and are going to be checking it out again soon (or so he promised)

So yeah, for anyone feeling stuck or alone in their marriage or relationship when it comes to talking about their sexual fantasies and needs, I really have to agree with Miss Swannie and agree that open communication is key to getting what you want.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I've been less and less secretive with my husband in recent years.

I have to admit it is slowly paying off.

At first he didn't want to roleplay or talk "too dirty" but more and more he seems into it. We've done 3somes (FFM only so far but I remain hopeful), talked about going to a nudist resort or nudist cruise, we've checked out the local swinger's scene and are going to be checking it out again soon (or so he promised)

So yeah, for anyone feeling stuck or alone in their marriage or relationship when it comes to talking about their sexual fantasies and needs, I really have to agree with Miss Swannie and agree that open communication is key to getting what you want.

I agree that communication is the key. But do you do if your repetitive attempts at open communication are balked at?
I am very happy that things worked out for the both you.

 

[philos]

You guys have been talking about it for 20 years? Wow, that is great that you two had the courage to talk openly about it, and with a professional. Have you two come to an understanding?

The understanding is that they are my needs and she doesn’t care. Going on four years without any sex.

 

[Vitriolhack]

The understanding is that they are my needs and she doesn’t care. Going on four years without any sex.

Ouch, sorry about that.

 

[Blueeyesrenee]

I think we all feel more comfortable opening up to some stranger on line then we do to our own partner.

 

[ratherabsurd1]

I think we all feel more comfortable opening up to some stranger on line then we do to our own partner.

I tend to agree with myself. but I am pretty vanilla here ..

 

[Smoothshavendad]

She would never notice...

 

[LizVegas79]

Yes. I have started to recently a little.

 

[Forest_Fun]

Of course I do......now. It turns out that I made the mistake of telling my wife of one of my desires. She ended up telling several friends and coworkers, not good. Now, I can't trust her anymore.

Don’t even know what to write.... I just thought it was horrible.... And mean!

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Yes. I have started to recently a little.

Sorry to hear about the change. It's frustrating when things like that happen.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Communication is key, but sometimes there exist simply a divide in taste/desires. You can attempt to communicate over and over and never move past that. I just wish that people were more understanding of how you can be in an happy relationship and not fulfilled at the same time.

 

[LizVegas79]

Sorry to hear about the change. It's frustrating when things like that happen.

Well, he's getting older and my Latina side is too so the poor guy has no chance lol

Communication is key, but sometimes there exist simply a divide in taste/desires. You can attempt to communicate over and over and never move past that. I just wish that people were more understanding of how you can be in an happy relationship and not fulfilled at the same time.

Well said Kama. It is TOTALLY possible to be in a happy, loving relationship that doesn't quite hit all your buttons (enough )

 

[CuttingEdge]

I am actually the opposite. I will tell my wife more sexual things then I will discuss on here.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Well, he's getting older and my Latina side is too so the poor guy has no chance lol

Poor guy, make sure you hydrate him well and keep his electrolytes up

Well said Kama. It is TOTALLY possible to be in a happy, loving relationship that doesn't quite hit all your buttons (enough )

Exactly! I run into so many people that don't understand this. I think the old cheater stereotype is to blame. People don't understand that needing more doesn't always mean you can't be happy.

Speaking of buttons, if I was a damn lab rat I would be the one who died because he forgot to eat due to the direct pleasure center stimulation button.

 

[KimGordon67]

I wish I'd been more open with my husband, but I wasn't ... he was always embarrassed talking about sex, and also pretty vanilla. So was I when we met, but that changed over the 18 years we were together ... it changed with both of us a bit, and that was great, but I kept on going and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone down the path I was heading off on.

With my new, there's nothing we can't and don't talk about in terms of sex. It's amazing knowing that anything I say will be OK ... even if he's not into something, he won't judge me for it ... and he will think about before he definitely decides he's not into it. He is totally NOT embarrassed talking about sex. In fact, it's his favourite thing to talk about, while we're doing it, afterwards, beforehand, on the phone, when we're driving ... pretty much all the time. It's quite a revelation.

(PS - I never refer to sexual stuff as 'needs' ... I'd hardly die without any of it, and I kind of think people often use the 'need' descriptor to excuse some poor behaviour. I have wants, desires, kinks, curiosities ... but they're not 'needs'.)

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

I wish I'd been more open with my husband, but I wasn't ... he was always embarrassed talking about sex, and also pretty vanilla. So was I when we met, but that changed over the 18 years we were together ... it changed with both of us a bit, and that was great, but I kept on going and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone down the path I was heading off on.

With my new, there's nothing we can't and don't talk about in terms of sex. It's amazing knowing that anything I say will be OK ... even if he's not into something, he won't judge me for it ... and he will think about before he definitely decides he's not into it. He is totally NOT embarrassed talking about sex. In fact, it's his favourite thing to talk about, while we're doing it, afterwards, beforehand, on the phone, when we're driving ... pretty much all the time. It's quite a revelation.

(PS - I never refer to sexual stuff as 'needs' ... I'd hardly die without any of it, and I kind of think people often use the 'need' descriptor to excuse some poor behaviour. I have wants, desires, kinks, curiosities ... but they're not 'needs'.)

Thats great! It's awesome when you can have a partner that accepts even the darker parts of your desires

I can agree that the use of "needs" isn't quite correct. However I can't think of exactly the right word to replace it with. For some sexuality is more vital than others. I know that when I don't give my sexuality the attention it calls for, that my life feels "grey". It just feels that part of me isn't there. The same thing happens when I don't allow my creativity to express itself or I pull away from one part of myself.

 

[amofiga]

Opening up about your deepest darkest desires is difficult with someone you live with and have to make a life with, if they aren't the type that's onboard with you and respects/agrees with what turns you on. Too often, "opening the kimono" can lead to arguments or hurt feelings or comments that make a person feel dirty or disgusting. I'm in that boat. There are a lot of things that I can discuss with my wife but she also has some strict boundaries and once I tried to open up a discussion about swapping with another couple and she went ballistic crying yelling etc. It was silent for days.

I once thought that having her read some of the stories I have posted here would open up lines of communication. I've done that with other women and some loved my stories. My wife thought they were just over the top especially given that some address swinging, incest, and cuckolding. So, I've learned to generally stay with her bounds with her but can open up to others here and on another similar website. It's lead to some very interesting online friendships.

I envy those couples who can discuss and even try anything and everything without feeling foolish or set upon.

 

[krissive69]

I'm pretty settled that I am going to have some sexual secrets and I'm ok with that. My guess is that she does too, and that's ok. "Desire requires space" as Esther Perel says...