Does your dominant filter your outside contact?

[ecstaticsub]

I am obsessed with controlling information. One reason I prefer online communication is because I can monitor what I say, analyze it before I hit Send, etc. Even face to face I am always watching what I say, making sure that the person I am presenting through my words or actions is who I want it to be. I guess what I mean is that I am always conscious of what I am communicating to others, it's really an obsession, I constantly keep track of it.

My partners both know that I tell them everything they need to hear. I also cannot lie worth a damn, so if they want to know something, they ask - not because I'm a good little sub but because, well, I can't keep my mouth shut!

I am too tired to finish this post. Is bedtime.

THis made me laugh because I am the same way. I look and sound so different when I am not telling the whole truth or even withholding information. Lying is totally useless even if I wanted to give it a try. I also can not seem to keep my mouth shut.

 

[Netzach]

As always, use of any label on this board is not going to make your intent clear...some people say "submissive" when referring to any sort of bottom (I do at times), some say pyl, some say slave when they mean something else. So I didn't take your use of submissive to mean much of anything in particular, sorry.

I realize that just because I found a wonderful experience doesn't mean all will...I've been down the "not all will" road myself as well, which is why I could even RECOGNIZE this wonderful experience when I saw it.

It just seems to me that you are more so wanting to show why this level of filtering or control can be damaging rather than understanding why it works for those of it that it works for, so that feeling on my part is probably jading this thread for me.

You are asking a question regarding filtering and extreme control, neither of which you really tend to see other than small doses in "submissive" relationships. Are you really that surprised that most of the answers in favor of it are M/s?

Not picking a fight, just sayin.

This jives with my exeperience. While M is generally more submissive than I am in our interactions I totally don't read his mail or feel a desire to. Access reinforces ownership - I don't have a sense of ownership in that relationship, but one of partnership, even if there is a service and bottoming component.

 

[serijules]

The "grown men/women" comments have admittedly made me roll my eyes. I don't see what filtering or accessing private parts of your bottom's life has to do with their maturity levels. For some, it is simply another way to enforce control, to heighten the feeling of control, to add a little twist to the power exchange, whathaveyou.

I'm sure there are cases where the monitoring is necessary because the bottom is a spoiled cheating brat or some bullshit, but is it really necessary to throw around snide comments about "grown adults" for something that is just one of many "it's not for everyone but it works for some of us" mindfucks?

I hate shit like that.

I'm in a bad mood this morning. Pardon.

And Snooze, I didn't say you were impolite or whatnot, you never are. As I said, I wasn't picking a fight, just wondering about asking a question about extreme control and then wondering in turn why the thread is taking a M/s twist. Maybe because I live this and it's perfectly understandable and normal to me, I just simply don't have much understanding of where the thread is going. And that's fine.

Ma'am doesn't read my emails or posts much. She doesn't have the time. However, she has the access if she would like it and may have the whim to fuck around with me using that info sometimes. It's a subtle thrill to know that. Mindfucks are fun.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Maybe because I live this and it's perfectly understandable and normal to me, I just simply don't have much understanding of where the thread is going. And that's fine.

I honestly don't know where is going either. I just want to explore and learn. I do want to say I don't think anybody is right or wrong it only matters if works for them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think if you are looking at where it might be harmful in a relationship for the PYL to have access to all and thus the pyl have no privacy as such, and in terms of D/s as opposed to M/s, I would say it still is a defined area. If in a D/s relationship which does not include ownership or 'no limits', then the monitoring situation should be able to be discussed as part of the limits discussion and thus honoured under the same guise. If the PYL pushed against the limits of the pyl and forced the issue, then it becomes a question of whether it is a D/s relationship or one of abuse. The limits issue makes it different to blatent abuse IMO, and the abuse makes it different to D/s. If in an M/s relationship on the criteria we think of as ownership, if it becomes a problem perhaps it needs discussing and revising what type relationship both are seeking or understanding as existing. I don't see it as being an abuse on its own, just within understood and perhaps differently understood parameters of a relationship,

Catalina

 

[Ebonyfire]

Indeed.. Ditto..Though, change "grown men" to "grown women"...
However... That comes from experience...And experience comes with a price {doesn't it always?}.
The other thing that I have garnered from experience is a low tolerance for some things..
Most Dom/mes know {or have a pretty good idea} if they can trust their pyl.
Whether they can believe what they say...

My unasked for two cents worth...

After years of experience {some of it quite bitter and expensive}, I have reached the point where, if I think I HAVE to monitor a pyl's communications... Then that is the point at which I will invite them to investigate the great world on the other side of my door.
Some see this as a touch draconian.. *shrug* So it is. I can live with that.
I see it as a bad case of "Been there, done that."
And I have no intention of doing it again.

You are absolutely right about trust. See if I do not trust a submissive, he is gone! I do not waste my precious time with someone who I do not trust. As for monitoring them, they are there to make my life easier. And monitoring them is work I will not do.

But that is just me.

 

[ssinlove]

i am new on internet and my Owners did not ask to control my emails and posts but i prefer them to do it as i am sure that way i will not do or say mistakes.

It is not a problem of trust for me, just that i am not sure of myself, i need to learn the whole thing first to be sure i will not upset my Owners with a bad post or email.

 

[callinectes]

My dominant has expressed zero interest in accessing my e-mails, etc. It's just not his thing. I also don't think I would be interested in a relationship in which this was a requirement.

 

[ssinlove]

My dominant has expressed zero interest in accessing my e-mails, etc. It's just not his thing. I also don't think I would be interested in a relationship in which this was a requirement.

I spoke of it again just a minute ago with my Owners and they said they trust me.

BUT they nevertheless want me to ask for Their authorization to post pictures of me, i understand it, i am Theirs.

 

[myinnerslut]

BUT they nevertheless want me to ask for Their authorization to post pictures of me, i understand it, i am Theirs.

A feels the same way, which is nobody will see any pictures of me

 

[ssinlove]

A feels the same way, which is nobody will see any pictures of me

do you regret it?

 

[ssinlove]

my Owners just get me the right to post this one!

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I know complete opposite again but love the thought of others seeing what is mine. Public play is a huge turn on for me.Glad to see sharing continuing. I really am fascinated with the uniqueness of everyones relationship.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

I am an extremely private person, so I feel that urge to segment myself. Each person in my life, friends, family, or Dom, has their own niche that no one else can fill. Also, whether I like to admit it or not, having a father who actually DID filter my contact with the outside world (as a teenager, I was only allowed to go out with my peers once when I was 18 - to a chaperoned, Christian concert with the youth group), read my mail, listened in on my phone calls, etc., I feel the need to be able to withdraw within myself and have a space that no one touches all the more.

However, being in the lifestyle and getting to know Snooze has helped me. I find I want to share myself more. At the same time, I know that I'll never become a 100% open person who wants to turn over my entire privacy to my Dom. I'd have trouble with someone who had access to my email or any financial information. Also, I've always stated that I would never be happy with a Dom who tried to overly control my time and contact with my friends, family, or work.

I understand though that everyone has their own levels of comfort and privacy. My personality and past have shaped mine. That's my two cents' worth.

 

[pandoravampire]

Mine used to. 'for my protection' you understand. I didnt. But went along with it.
Didnt see why after 40 yrs of protecting myself from others, i suddenly needed help with that?
But when i was asked to show mails from my non bdsm related friends. And you know how detailed good friends can be! I drew the line. To me, that would of been a breach of confidentiality.
Those that do allow their dominant into their friends confidence without the friends permission, are at fault. Before you agree to having your mail read, please consider that the writer has first right to chose.
You could at least send a round robin to friends. please be aware that anything you write, is going to be read by my dominant. They are then free to omit accordingly. And you are free to continue being isolated from your friends.
Its a behaviour i view as a red flag.

pandoravampire

 

[Marquis]

Yeah, rather than "filter" in my case it's "read." I don't really try and control content, beyond telling him where to go at times and read. It's more the "I can circumvent your sense of privacy if I want to" rather than "you KNOW I'm reading this"

This is how I operate.

 

[myinnerslut]

do you regret it?

sometimes i would like to post a picture that i find relevent to the topic... me in shibari, or a picture of my collar, or something like that. A gets very protective of what images i put online, even my avatar was something i earned after period of time and had to be carefully edited and approved. overall i guess i dont mind, its only in those specific instances that i would like to put something up to add to the conversation.

 

[ssinlove]

sometimes i would like to post a picture that i find relevent to the topic... me in shibari, or a picture of my collar, or something like that. A gets very protective of what images i put online, even my avatar was something i earned after period of time and had to be carefully edited and approved. overall i guess i dont mind, its only in those specific instances that i would like to put something up to add to the conversation.

as Their slave my Owners also use to ask me to show my body and much more in public.

At the beginning it was difficult but now i like it too now as anything that please my Owners.

so i was surprised that if i could post texts without Their consent i could not pictures. i asked Them: if you trust me for texts why you don't trust me for pictures ?

Their answer was that They wanted to protect me from the outside world. When i am nude in public, They are with me, protecting me and others can only do what my Owners have decided, nothing more.

So They told me it was the same for my pictures, They did not want that i could be hurt by someone.

For instance, yesterday i have posted in another thread and some answers were quite bad, saying i was not myself but somebody else and so on. i didn't knew these people, they didn't knew me, but they were able to judge me and mock at me.

i was very sad of the reaction of these people. i told it to my Owners and They read the thread.

To protect me, They have now forbidden me to post anymore in that thread and i agree with Them.

It is not a forbidding for me, it is a protection and i am happy that They could comfort me about that bad experience.

Nevertheless, as you have seen in my previous post i could post a picture yesterday and that was a great happiness for me, i was so happy because They trusted me and it was a proof of Their love for me.

 

[ssinlove]

even my avatar was something i earned after period of time and had to be carefully edited and approved.

My Owners also chose my profile picture, it is not a picture of me but the girl on the picture looks very like me and is a puppy girl like me.

 

[ssinlove]

I know complete opposite again but love the thought of others seeing what is mine. Public play is a huge turn on for me.Glad to see sharing continuing. I really am fascinated with the uniqueness of everyones relationship.

for me also Public play is a turn on but also because i do it for my Owners.
Thank you for sharing

 

[myinnerslut]

damn double post

 

[myinnerslut]

as Their slave my Owners also use to ask me to show my body and much more in public.

i am going to be a teacher so i cant really do anything in public. it is the reason A is so protective of me and my picture. i cant afford to do anything in public in case it somehow makes it back to the education world. even my collar looks like a choker for that reason.

 

[Bandit58]

We each have access to the other's email accounts (well He has one of mine He doesn't want to go in to the other 4) - I know all His passwords and could check His email accounts at any time but always ask Him first if He wants me to do this (it's mainly for when He is ill and He wants to know if there's anything important come in).

I communicate with whoever whenever. I'm not restricted in any way, even though I'm a member of other sites and forums and sometimes get mail from men and other Doms. I usually reply that I am married and not interested in anything other than friendly chat (and NO cyber lol). I usually don't hear from them again.....

Our computer is set up in the lounge room, in full view should one or the other of us walk past.....there are no secrets here

 

[ssinlove]

i am going to be a teacher so i cant really do anything in public. it is the reason A is so protective of me and my picture. i cant afford to do anything in public in case it somehow makes it back to the education world. even my collar looks like a choker for that reason.

for sure A is right then. Nice to be protected.

i don't work, i am only Their slave, so i don't have this problem

Perhaps one day A will let you post a picture of you if no one can see your face

 

[the_pet]

filtered? yes
he doesn't monitor my online activities so much but heavily monitors/controls my real life contact with people

Trusts me but doesn't trust anybody else when it comes to me.


pet