Does your dominant filter your outside contact?

[myinnerslut]

thought it was odd that this happened right at the time that this thread was up and about, but last night for the first time, A excersised his right to look over what ive writtten on lit. i have to say, it made me very nervouse as he jumped from thread to thread. not that i had anything to hide, but even so, i was still nervouse.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

thought it was odd that this happened right at the time that this thread was up and about, but last night for the first time, A excersised his right to look over what ive writtten on lit. i have to say, it made me very nervouse as he jumped from thread to thread. not that i had anything to hide, but even so, i was still nervouse.

Well is he reads this I'm sure he is proud as you are a shining example of love and devotion.

 

[myinnerslut]

Well is he reads this I'm sure he is proud as you are a shining example of love and devotion.

thank you so very much. that is a huge compliment.

he probably wont look at anything again for a good long while. i was quite surprised when he looked at this in the first place.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

thank you so very much. that is a huge compliment.

he probably wont look at anything again for a good long while. i was quite surprised when he looked at this in the first place.

You are most welcome, and wish you both many years together much happiness.

 

[Hummingbyrd]

I personally never had a my submissive run her emails through me. I always assumed D/s was based on trust. I think you are given trust once and if show me can't be trusted you are not my type to date. I am curious to hear from those that are monitored and do the monitoring. Do you like the extra layer of isolation or is it a control issue? I know there are a lot of predators out there but her simply saying no always worked for me. I hope to learn some insights as just don't understand.

No -- and if he tried to, it would be over

 

[Snoozebutton2]

No -- and if he tried to, it would be over

Thanks for sharing. I have found it seems there is not a large percentage in the middle on this issue. It's usually a do or don't thing.

 

[EmpressFi]

my Dom, my Master doesnt read my email, sometimes he reads what I post here, but it's usually because I've mentioned in our IM about a thread I found interesting. He doesnt read my LiveJournal. I have asked his opinion on a few things when posting, and if I've mentioned him directly, I've shown it to him before hand, not because he owns me but out of respect for the human being he is.

One thing that caught my attention, although I forget who said it, but you do need to let those outside of your relationship know that he/she reads your email. One person answered that people know that he has full access to every facet of their life. But that's assuming that they know it pertains to their private emails. Have you actually sat down with them or emailed them and said, By the way, whatever you write, every private thought and/or deed, will be seen by this other person.

So many conversations with my best friend start with, "Please dont tell anyone else about this..." Her trust that I wont share it is one of my most prized possessions and having someone else read it without her full knowledge would violate that.

I dont think it's a matter of trust... I just think it's not something he feels he needs to do. He already sees everything I post on other boards and reads those. He knows I tell him anything that wont violate a confidence... and doesnt feel he needs to control me that much...

 

[HottieMama]

One thing that caught my attention, although I forget who said it, but you do need to let those outside of your relationship know that he/she reads your email. One person answered that people know that he has full access to every facet of their life. But that's assuming that they know it pertains to their private emails. Have you actually sat down with them or emailed them and said, By the way, whatever you write, every private thought and/or deed, will be seen by this other person.

So many conversations with my best friend start with, "Please dont tell anyone else about this..." Her trust that I wont share it is one of my most prized possessions and having someone else read it without her full knowledge would violate that.

i think it was me that said it, though i am not going back to look through the thread. i do stand firmly that i believe that if your every contact is monitored, that there needs to be full disclosure. It is not fair to involve "me" in your relationship dynamics without "my" consent.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Master does not 'monitor' my chats, emails, friends etc..and honestly if that were a requirement i dont' think i would have started a relationship with Him. i'm glad it works for others but wow i just couldn't stand to be monitored like that. He does have complete access to my emails if He wanted it, as i have access to his also. , and obviously He has access to my posts here on lit. but really He's too busy to monitor everything i do and say and i'm pretty sure he has not desire to 'isolate' me from the outside world. i was in an abusive relationship for way too long that was monitored, and i was isolated told who i could be friends with what i could do, etc..i couldn't live that way again..no way......

 

[unfoundiamond]

Monitor?

I am reading this question and laughing at the complete contradiction I am trying to figure out how to make into an answer.

Has any of my PYLs "monitored" my email and PMs, choosing what I see or to whom I speak? No...

Have I allowed PYLs to have passwords to use at their disposal without being asked by them to do so... Yes...

Do I have people complete little tasks of favors for me and use my passwords? Yes... Sometimes I change passwords... sometimes I don't...

I have nothing to hide, I have a friend who justs lurks my mail and handles some online things for me...

I enjoy being watched.

Would I agree to having my friends selected? Probably not, I have- didn't like it, wouldn't be interested in someone who I felt limited me.

As for who I speak to, I choose that. I am a little too rebelious in that sence, run off who interests me and pays me attn.

But I also will have guilt if I FEEL I have done something inapropriate. I simply talked to someone on the phone and I had to tell my PYL at the time, just got off the phone and called Him, and told him what I had done, not because I was told to or checked up on, but because I am so deeply loyal.

I am a open book... and that isn't common, I can't seem to find another one.

 

[HottieMama]

i was in an abusive relationship for way too long that was monitored, and i was isolated told who i could be friends with what i could do, etc..i couldn't live that way again..no way......

Rose...again, I am reminded of the observation I made earlier in this thread. It seems that those of us who suffered some sort of abuse in a relationship are those that would have the most issue with being monitored. I'm sure someone will point out that they are "different," but it certainly seems to be a pattern in this thread.

Edited to add...

Unfound...i am an open book as well, however, i believe in respect. Let me explain... There are some people that i correspond with via email that would not want anyone else reading those emails. They are about health issues, addiction and recovery, relationships etc... They are brought on by the strong friendships that i share with them. Out of respect and loyalty, i would never show anyone else those emails or put myself in any position where they could be compromised. If my PYL had a problem with that, IMO, it would be THEIR problem...not mine. After all, if i can't show decency and respect to my best friend of 10 years, HOW can i show it to my PYL?

 

[alexanna]

This is how I operate with H. It's one of those intensive things that you can do LD. I like suprising him sometimes. I don't have ALL the passwords because frankly I think his work correspondence would put me to sleep, but I'm definitely the devil on his shoulder when he's posting to his crossdresser communities and whatnot. It's fun.

I would actually like this not because I want him to make sure I don't do anthing inappropriate but because I have secrecy issues. I keep secrets I don't need to keep and am trying to work on that. If I knew he might look at my internet correspondence I think it would help me feel less secretive and like I am always hiding something. It would make me nervous at first but in the end I think would help me feel more accepted by him and of myself.

 

[Netzach]

I think I should mention that M keeps my social calendar, emails people, and probably knows a lot more about every aspect of my life outside of business and lit (because he hates forae) than I do - if anything he's got powers he just doesn't care to use.

 

[Homburg]

Yeah, rather than "filter" in my case it's "read." I don't really try and control content, beyond telling him where to go at times and read. It's more the "I can circumvent your sense of privacy if I want to" rather than "you KNOW I'm reading this"

Same here. I have her passwords and account names and all that. Very rarely use them. By the same token, she has mine, by and large.

And I'm also one of those people that assumes that anything I say to someone that has another person living with them will likely be shared with that other person, especially if they're married. It's human nature all too often.

 

[myinnerslut]

last time i posted in this thread i talked about control via e-mail

i recently realized how much control A has over my interaction with other people in the lifestyle. he is the one that decided i cant use my first name, cant post any pictures especially if there is any way they can be used to identify me, while i can write to people, i cant use a return address, etc etc.

 

[Adakgirl]

I really must say that this "monitoring" disturbs me greatly. Trust works both ways. If he really trusts you, why does he feel the need to read all your correspondence to others? This is a domineering trait, not a Dominant one. You are an adult, not a little child who may get lured by some predator. If my Dominant insisted on such a thing, I would see that as a big red flag. It shows his insecurity in himself and in your relationship.

 

[snowy ciara]

She doesn't. I'm probably going to catch some shrapnel here, but....

I have two emails and two intranet portals that I am contractually obligated NOT to share. I am dead serious. Ms. T doesn't have the option to access any information in my work email, my work intranet portal, my agent's client portal, or my email that deals with that correspondence. Do I trust her? Yes. She is a highly ethical woman and wouldn't dig around in either area even is she could. But since she is a highly ethical woman, she didn't even ask.

The only passwords she has are for my CM account and my DSM account. She's been responding to my asshat PMs and I've just been in stitches at the results. She does not want my email passwords or my Lit passwords, because it might compromise the privacy of my friends who have not agreed to have Ms. T as a part of our relationship.

But outside of these examples, she doesn't want to micromanage or constrain any of us. Her feeling is that making a person become housebound and constrained, and not letting them out for mental stimulation and rigorously running off of anyone she doesn't approve of would be damaging to a submissive's mental health and emotional outlook. She doesn't want depressed or unhappy subs. She doesn't want our service to become a drudgery. And also, she thrives on the variety we bring her. She wouldn't be happy with a stable of slaves who know nothing that goes on outside their doors. In her words, "ignorance is pitiable, but willful ignorance is criminal." She requires a bit of independence and variety with her submissives and when she's forced to be Big Brother, she just doesn't get it.

 

[alexanna]

I really must say that this "monitoring" disturbs me greatly. Trust works both ways. If he really trusts you, why does he feel the need to read all your correspondence to others? This is a domineering trait, not a Dominant one. You are an adult, not a little child who may get lured by some predator. If my Dominant insisted on such a thing, I would see that as a big red flag. It shows his insecurity in himself and in your relationship.

I think it depends on WHY the dominant is choosing to monitor. In my case his monitoring my activity would by and large be more to get a sense of where and I am at and would have the side effect of making me feel loved and cared for. The ability for him to spot check my activities makes me pretty hot. I would absolutely love it if he occasionally made a comment that let me know he had checked up on me.

From a pratical standpoint I don't think its actually possible to completely monitor someone very easily. Any Dominant who thought they were completely monitoring their submissive for inappropriate behavior could very easily be fooled and the monitoring may do more to providing a false sense of security than anything else. If I thought he might check up on me I could quite easily create alternate accounts and new email addresses whenever I felt like it and no one would be the wiser.

Edited to add:

Like Homburg I also assume that couples living together, especially married, share pretty much all information with each other. I would assume this whether their relationship was vanilla or not and generally do not share information with one spouse I would not want the other one to know.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I hope all had a wonderful Christmas. And must say am enjoying seeing the different answers from everyone.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

My Sir do not filter my outside contacts, emails, PM's and anything like that. I am trusted to chat with other people no matter if its other Dom's, sub's or vanilla friends of mine. He trust me I behave the way I was told to.

He read my Lit posts now and then, but he do not control my emails etc. He dont have my passwords, but I have no prob to give them to him if he aked me to. I would give it to him without a word anytime.

 

[EmpressFi]

Like Homburg I also assume that couples living together, especially married, share pretty much all information with each other. I would assume this whether their relationship was vanilla or not and generally do not share information with one spouse I would not want the other one to know.

Actually Malin and I dont, if asked, share information with each other like that. I dont know his passwords for anything, nor does he know mine. WIll I give them if asked, sure and I have. But if anyone comes to me and says, "Please dont tell Malin ..." Then they're trusting me not to break that confidence.. .so I dont. Yes, he's my husband, but they're my friend and deserve a level of respect and trust as well. Assuming that because I'm married to him, I would break a confidence, really does a disservice to my trustworthyness..

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

But if anyone comes to me and says, "Please dont tell Malin ..." Then they're trusting me not to break that confidence.. .so I dont. Yes, he's my husband, but they're my friend and deserve a level of respect and trust as well. Assuming that because I'm married to him, I would break a confidence, really does a disservice to my trustworthyness..

Yeh same here. When someone ask me not to share what we talk about I am not. I do respect my friends privacy and my Sir as well.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

There are some people that i correspond with via email that would not want anyone else reading those emails. They are about health issues, addiction and recovery, relationships etc... They are brought on by the strong friendships that i share with them. Out of respect and loyalty, i would never show anyone else those emails or put myself in any position where they could be compromised. If my PYL had a problem with that, IMO, it would be THEIR problem...not mine. After all, if i can't show decency and respect to my best friend of 10 years, HOW can i show it to my PYL?

I understand the trust boundaries involved here but, to be honest, if a friend of mine has a problem or issue I almost always discuss it with Master. My friends do not know about our lifestyle. If I told them that Master knows the one password I use for everything online and can check my correspondence if he chooses to, as the nilla people I know and love, they would think badly of Master and that he was abusively controlling and mistrustful. That simply is not true.

Master is aware that if he checks my mail he has a responsibility to respect the privacy of my friends. If something is disclosed to me as private he will mention it to no-one on Earth but myself and usually out of loving concern for the friend in question and me as the one asked for advice. I don't see that as a breach of trust because many times I have talked to friends about things that are private to me and discovered at a later date that they have chatted to their SO about it. I do think that it's one of those areas where you can talk to that one person in your life and it doesn't count as a betrayal of trust.

Master has access to my emails, Lit postings/pms, ebay, you name it but he rarely checks. He likes to know that the right is there for him to exercise as and when he wishes to. I would be in serious trouble if I changed my password without informing him and he would naturally assume I was up to something. I am not allowed to use my real name (except with a few acquaintances who he knows about) or post pictures of myself, even nice innocent ones. If I form a friendship with a man he likes to be told and he likes to keep one eye on correspondence for a while just to learn about the person himself. With female friends he is not so strict. He does not go through my IM conversations but he has my password so he could if he wished. He also requests that the 'password hint' questions be something that he knows rather than something really obscure. I keep mail for 3 months before deleting it in case he want to look.

I don't see it as restrictive. He knows who I am and nothing that I write has really surprised him thus far. I suppose if I were inclined to flirt or cheat it would curtail my freedom but as I do neither of these things (beyond the usual suggestive Lit banter) his beady eye over my shoulder is not an issue. I believe that as my Master he has access to any facet of my life that he wants to.

When it comes to RL friends he does not limit me. I have no friends that he disapproves of (yet) so it's not really an issue. My best friend lives miles away in a little village that only has a train service until 10pm so if I go there I frequently end up sharing a bottle of wine with her and crashing on her couch. Master has no problem with this. He likes to know where I am and what I'm doing but that's more of an issue of practicality, meal planning etc. I don't feel restricted or limited. Occasionally, when his friends from home come to stay, I will be asked to make arrangements to have something else to do so he can have some guy time. I don't mind at all.