Does your significant other know?

[Smuttyandfun]

My SO is my proof reader, and often finds things that I miss. It's great getting feedback before I submit. And sometimes I'll change a few things that didn't seem to work.

We have similar tastes, which is good. And I think it would be strange to have to hide what I write, but thankfully I've got a good support system at home that seems to understand me.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Well clearly our priorities differ. My fetish is a fetish. It doesn’t rule my life. As for this site in the end it is porn and not my life. Also writing is a hobby not a job. So if my fiancé brings me joy and true companionship and doesn’t like porn or my fetish then I can live with that. If it comes to the fetish and site over her I will pick her without a single pause.

We all have our priorities.

Relationships are always a compromise. Anyone who says their spouse or significant other is exactly like them is in an incestuous relationship with their twin. I guess they made their priority choice, too.

My wife and I have our differences. But they're in other areas. As I said above, she doesn't like most of my stories. It's just the one where I hit the mark.

 

[SimonDoom]

Well clearly our priorities differ. My fetish is a fetish. It doesn’t rule my life. As for this site in the end it is porn and not my life. Also writing is a hobby not a job. So if my fiancé brings me joy and true companionship and doesn’t like porn or my fetish then I can live with that. If it comes to the fetish and site over her I will pick her without a single pause.

We all have our priorities.

We do, and I'm not judging yours. But my understanding of your first post -- I could be wrong -- is that while your fetish does not rule your life you intend to continue indulging it while hiding it from your fiance, who will be your spouse. You know your situation better than anyone else. Let me ask it this way: If you did tell her now, and she said you have to choose between your fetish and her, which would you choose? Would you:

1. Give up the fetish
2. Tell her you are not going to give up the fetish, no matter what she thinks, or
3. Tell her you are giving up the fetish, but continue indulging it without her knowing?

I'm not judging. This is a practical, not moral, inquiry. My own personal experience is that it can eat you up over time to present yourself one way to a partner while you want to be another way and, to some degree, you do indulge in being another way. But I fully understand these are very difficult decisions and nobody can decide for you. Good luck!

 

[ImpishSeraph]

I was with a vanilla for 27 years. Once this divorce goes through, I will never choose to be with one again. It's like getting deprived of all you like

 

[litfan10]

I was with a vanilla for 27 years. Once this divorce goes through, I will never choose to be with one again. It's like getting deprived of all you like

I completely understand. I was a very kinky, dommish person and met a nice woman who was vanilla and not into power exchange at all but we liked each other a lot. I changed for her. Years later I realized I was miserable and she wasn't all that invested in the relationship either. A very amicable divorce followed. I am now my very happy kinky self with a wonderful slavish woman for a partner.
Now if my health would only cooperate.

 

[ImpishSeraph]

I completely understand. I was a very kinky, dommish person and met a nice woman who was vanilla and not into power exchange at all but we liked each other a lot. I changed for her. Years later I realized I was miserable and she wasn't all that invested in the relationship either. A very amicable divorce followed. I am now my very happy kinky self with a wonderful slavish woman for a partner.
Now if my health would only cooperate.

That is what I would like. He never would let me do anything in public with him. He threw my toys away. Very missionary type style. We went through so much together, that I thought I could make it work, and I would have kept trying. I see now 2 years later that it was for the best. He did me a favor.

 

[litfan10]

That is what I would like. He never would let me do anything in public with him. He threw my toys away. Very missionary type style. We went through so much together, that I thought I could make it work, and I would have kept trying. I see now 2 years later that it was for the best. He did me a favor.

Getting married was one of the best things I ever did because of my two amazing (yes I'm biased) kids, now adults with their own families.
Getting divorced was also one of the best things I ever did because we were both miserable. She was vanilla and wanted vanilla and that just wasn't me.
Now we are all happy.
Not only does my SO know of my Litfan identity but so do my adult kids.
Honesty really is the best policy.

 

[SimonDoom]

That is what I would like. He never would let me do anything in public with him. He threw my toys away. Very missionary type style. We went through so much together, that I thought I could make it work, and I would have kept trying. I see now 2 years later that it was for the best. He did me a favor.

If there's one lesson I would try to impart to younger people in relationships, based on my own very imperfect and limited experience, it's this: don't expect your partner to change. Maybe they will, but don't expect them to. My personal experience is that if problems exist in a relationship, they will get worse after marriage, and they will get worse still after having kids. So, at the outset of a relationship, ask yourself, "Can I live for the rest of my life with this relationship if my partner never changes and the problems in our relationship continue until the day I die?" Be as honest as you can with yourself in answering that question. And if the answer is "no," run for the hills.

 

[litfan10]

If there's one lesson I would try to impart to younger people in relationships, based on my own very imperfect and limited experience, it's this: don't expect your partner to change. Maybe they will, but don't expect them to. My personal experience is that if problems exist in a relationship, they will get worse after marriage, and they will get worse still after having kids. So, at the outset of a relationship, ask yourself, "Can I live for the rest of my life with this relationship if my partner never changes and the problems in our relationship continue until the day I die?" Be as honest as you can with yourself in answering that question. And if the answer is "no," run for the hills.

I agree, I changed, not her and that didn't work in the end. I had to change back.

 

[Lifestyle66]

IMO, EVERYONE has their secrets they don't share with others. And anyone who says they don't have things they do or did in their pasts they don't share with their spouse ... are either obfuscating or they've changed their memories to bury their pasts.

I know one woman who was Catholic but had an abortion when she was in college. Years later, she dated my friend and they married. Two years later, she got pregnant. He found out about her abortion when he was with her during a doctor's checkup.

He said that when he casually mentioned it after that appointment, she obfuscated, saying "I told you about it." According to him, they NEVER talked about their sexual pasts. He said, "It's not something I would have held against her. But now I wonder what else she hasn't told me."

 

[ImpishSeraph]

Getting married was one of the best things I ever did because of my two amazing (yes I'm biased) kids, now adults with their own families.
Getting divorced was also one of the best things I ever did because we were both miserable. She was vanilla and wanted vanilla and that just wasn't me.
Now we are all happy.
Not only does my SO know of my Litfan identity but so do my adult kids.
Honesty really is the best policy.

I was always honest with him. I never lied to that man. I agree with you there. I'm too honest of a person to lie. He knew of impishseraph, he just didn't get it.

 

[ImpishSeraph]

If there's one lesson I would try to impart to younger people in relationships, based on my own very imperfect and limited experience, it's this: don't expect your partner to change. Maybe they will, but don't expect them to. My personal experience is that if problems exist in a relationship, they will get worse after marriage, and they will get worse still after having kids. So, at the outset of a relationship, ask yourself, "Can I live for the rest of my life with this relationship if my partner never changes and the problems in our relationship continue until the day I die?" Be as honest as you can with yourself in answering that question. And if the answer is "no," run for the hills.

I completely agree with you. Well said.

 

[drobert44]

I was always honest with him. I never lied to that man. I agree with you there. I'm too honest of a person to lie. He knew of impishseraph, he just didn't get it.

Then you had to be apart.

 

[litfan10]

I was always honest with him. I never lied to that man. I agree with you there. I'm too honest of a person to lie. He knew of impishseraph, he just didn't get it.

Absolutely the same as with my ex. Once I knew I was my kinks and couldn't change and while already a pro writer I wanted to write erotica. She understood from my perspective but she just didn't get it. We weren't meant to be.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I share my fooling around with smut is something I share with nobody. None of my friends know,,,,
I prefer that. Some people can't separate fact from fiction.
I am not what I write... The stories are merely my weird twisted imagination.
It seems to me (My opinion only) That some people don't understand that... Like political journalists...
They report on events. That is not always their opinion...

So I keep my hobby to myself, and I like it that way...

Sometimes it's nice to have a secret.

Cagivagurl

 

[Bramblethorn]

My partner has beta-read almost everything I've posted here.

But to the OP, whose significant other is a "fiance," and where the knot hasn't been tied yet, I would just recommend searching your heart for how important your values are to you and whether you will be able to stand a lifetime of being secretive with your SO. My experience is that, contrary to the hopes of romantics everywhere, incompatibilities get worse over time, not better.

Unaddressed incompatibilities, at least. IME they can get better if both parties are prepared to put in the work - but it's hard to know at the start of a relationship whether the other person will be prepared to do that. As you say, don't go into a relationship with the assumption that they can change (and especially if you're expecting them to do all the changing; that's not usually how it works).

 

[Rob_Royale]

My wife knows and is supportive, but is wholly uninterested. Our conversations on it are brief.

"How's your story coming?"

"Not bad."

"What's it about?"

"A young guy hooking up with his mature female boss."

"Nice."

She's happy that I have a creative outlet that I enjoy, but isn't into reading anything I do. Her tastes in erotica are more in the vampire/werewolf area, like Laurel K. Hamilton.

 

[subdudeme13]

My fiancé is the complete opposite of me when it comes to sex. I have a fetish and I honestly think she doesn’t.

I been writing off and on for a few years but with the change of job she is around me majority of time unlike prior where I was alone most of the time.

Now I can only write pieces at a time in secret. She wouldn’t understand probably be bothered what turns me on the most.

Anyone else hides this hobby from your significant other?

My advice (advice is cheap, especially here) would be lose the fetish and direct your mind elsewhere or lose the fiance. If you want to be truly happy that is. If you can't tell her then work on the relationship.

 

[SimonDoom]

Unaddressed incompatibilities, at least. IME they can get better if both parties are prepared to put in the work - but it's hard to know at the start of a relationship whether the other person will be prepared to do that. As you say, don't go into a relationship with the assumption that they can change (and especially if you're expecting them to do all the changing; that's not usually how it works).

Yes. People CAN change, but you cannot expect them to. Doing so is a recipe for heartache and frustration.

 

[live4thebj]

My advice (advice is cheap, especially here) would be lose the fetish and direct your mind elsewhere or lose the fiance. If you want to be truly happy that is. If you can't tell her then work on the relationship.

I’m happy just there is this side of me that I can’t turn off. Let me tell you something. Between my divorce and my fiancé I had sex with a lot of woman. Some knew my fetish and some indulged in it. The sex was amazing at times and so so at times.

Then one day I realized I want someone that just clicks with me. Someone I love for her whether she is as sexual as me or not. I was tired of fucking woman and then trying to figure out how to get them out of my condo.

 

[MyBareTorso]

NOBODY in my "real life" knows about what I write here, nor my exhibitionist behavior...and I sincerely hope it stays that way!!!

 

[Plathfan]

Yes. People CAN change

No, they can’t.

With tremendous effort and persistence, some manage to moderate certain behaviors. However, once our brains are wired early in life, they remain set. Sadly, cynics exploit this, preying on those craving "redemption."

 

[aseriousman]

My partner knows that I watch and read porn, which she tolerates, with disapproving flared nostrils. As to exactly what kind of porn, she doesn't really know, and would rather not know details.

When she saw a video I'd downloaded, which was pretty tame, but with very strong femdom themes, I think she was relieved that it wasn't anything that disgusted her, and that it wasn't gay porn or something which would indicate that I'm "living a lie" in regards to my sexuality.

 

[Hypnobitch01]

Oh hell yeah! I asked him if he was cool with it and his answer was “as long as you aren’t doing those things with other people we’re good.”

He’s quite supportive though he does like to tease me about it, my favourite was us hanging out and doing our own thing:

S.O.: Watcha typing about?

Me: Just working on a chapter of my current story.

S.O.: Are you writing werewolf porn again?

Me: I am in fact writing werewolf porn again.

S.O.: Cool.

 

[DrHappy]

My wife was the one that suggested that I publish my stories here. I had been writing my stories only for her until I published here.

Sharing my stories with my wife is another form of intimacy. It’s like another way of being naked in front of someone. It’s deeply personal and revealing. My interests are more varied than hers, and some of my stories were a little unnerving to share. She never ran away screaming with even my wildest stories, so that was a relief.

Do you think that that there are any stories that you could share to break the ice with her? Maybe just get over the first hurdle in sharing that you have an Interest in writing erotica. Depending on how that goes, try sharing a more mainstream story, and have some conversations about her possible interests. If that goes well, try more stories that may stretch her comfort zone. My interests go beyond my wife’s and she’s okay with that.