Dom/me wannabe's and their lack of insight

[SweetDommes]

This might seem stupid, but....what's a munch exactly? A place for people to meet who are into BDSM?

Basically, yeah. It's a gathering of kinksters, in a relatively vanilla setting so as to be non-threatening to newcomers. Of course, it seems there is always one who is out to ruin it for everyone...

 

[Ritza]

i believe i'll continue to go to the Munches, and if i must, put forth some of the good ideas that were offered. You all have given me strength, thank you.

r

 

[DVS]

hehe

What's on your mind DVS?

Well, I should have said anal attitude. That's usually what's on my mind, you know.

 

[Raine D8]

What i find amazing, is the complete lack of insight, the latter had into his effect on me, and any other potential partner. His expectation that i should want to be dominated at all, let alone by him was insulting.

And why is there an assumption that a sub will sub for anyone?

I expect that the attitude comes from culture in general. I've met many 'macho' men and supposed butch tops that seem to think that they can get you anytime and anywhere. Perhaps it's a sexist attitude (on the part of certain men and women) more than a BDSM one?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I expect that the attitude comes from culture in general. I've met many 'macho' men and supposed butch tops that seem to think that they can get you anytime and anywhere. Perhaps it's a sexist attitude (on the part of certain men and women) more than a BDSM one?

Agreed but here is the thing , I met a Dom in my City, talked the talk, seemed fairly respectable, there were no 'player alarms' going off for me. I am fairly intune to these 'alarms'. Out of the blue one day he decides to adress me as 'his slut'. I was like 'pardon' ? His reaction was to inform me that I in fact was (his slut), I just hadn't come to terms with it or something like that. Needless to say this was not a 'Dom' I had any intention of wasting any more time with in the future.

What I still don't understand however is that in the local 'scene' (albeit Fetish Nightclub) he was really well 'respected'. Makes me wonder what submissives were really tolerating from this man. I'll say he was above average by a long way in the attractive stakes and 'appeared' to be cashed up but neither of those facts really come into contention when I was considering whether I would spend more time getting to know him in view to any 'possible' relationship (I don't play~ thats just not 'my' thing).


He must have been getting positive feedback from somewhere

If He was getting from 'submissives' then ...................

 

[graceanne]

Agreed but here is the thing , I met a Dom in my City, talked the talk, seemed fairly respectable, there were no 'player alarms' going off for me. I am fairly intune to these 'alarms'. Out of the blue one day he decides to adress me as 'his slut'. I was like 'pardon' ? His reaction was to inform me that I in fact was (his slut), I just hadn't come to terms with it or something like that. Needless to say this was not a 'Dom' I had any intention of wasting any more time with in the future.

What I still don't understand however is that in the local 'scene' (albeit Fetish Nightclub) he was really well 'respected'. Makes me wonder what submissives were really tolerating from this man. I'll say he was above average by a long way in the attractive stakes and 'appeared' to be cashed up but neither of those facts really come into contention when I was considering whether I would spend more time getting to know him in view to any 'possible' relationship (I don't play~ thats just not 'my' thing).


He must have been getting positive feedback from somewhere

If He was getting from 'submissives' then ...................

I've said this about the idiots on collarme. They must get positive feedback from someone, or they wouldn't be sending those stupid PM's.

It's scary. I wanna find those subs and let em know that those guys are wanna-be's.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I've said this about the idiots on collarme. They must get positive feedback from someone, or they wouldn't be sending those stupid PM's.

It's scary. I wanna find those subs and let em know that those guys are wanna-be's.

I used to want to educate the 'World', honestly I give up if 'submissives' want to associate with CHUDWAH (BDSM version of Yeti) then who am I to stress ...
Clueless Heterosexual Dom Wannabe

Ohhh angst , angst because everyone has to start out somewhere don't they

 

[DVS]

I've said this about the idiots on collarme. They must get positive feedback from someone, or they wouldn't be sending those stupid PM's.

It's scary. I wanna find those subs and let em know that those guys are wanna-be's.

Sites like collarme should have notices stating "Rules of the Role" making sure newbie suts are aware of what they should expect from a potential partner of quality and what they might find in those "I'm your Master, slut so kneel at my feet, bitch" types.

We um...quality Doms have to wade through that filth and are always scrutinized against same, even to the point we must prove we are not one of them. You know, that just makes me sick. I'm doing without because some idiots have tainted the Dom pool with sludge.

 

[indianPilot]

It is a vexed question where bad Doms get their 'bad' feedback from. One is literature - reading lots of fiction, written by people who are trying to entertain rather than seriously display the dynamic of a BDSM relationship.

The other is inexperienced subs - people who know no better. They think the chest beating. 'I am Dom hear me roar' model, is the norm. A Dom seems to fit into this mould - therefore he must be good - therefore I should do things as he says.

It is pretty easy to pick a good Dom - He is the one that never insists you call him sir or master (Until a relationship has formed). He is the one who asks about you, not go on about himself.

Most importantly he knows that it takes a certain chemisrty to trigger submissive urges. And not every submissive he meets will feel that chemistry towards him

indianPilot

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Well thought out response.

Thank you for sharing.

It is a vexed question where bad Doms get their 'bad' feedback from. One is literature - reading lots of fiction, written by people who are trying to entertain rather than seriously display the dynamic of a BDSM relationship.

The other is inexperienced subs - people who know no better. They think the chest beating. 'I am Dom hear me roar' model, is the norm. A Dom seems to fit into this mould - therefore he must be good - therefore I should do things as he says.

It is pretty easy to pick a good Dom - He is the one that never insists you call him sir or master (Until a relationship has formed). He is the one who asks about you, not go on about himself.

Most importantly he knows that it takes a certain chemisrty to trigger submissive urges. And not every submissive he meets will feel that chemistry towards him

indianPilot

 

[indianPilot]

I think there are good and bad of every type, and so many variations to what individuals like or dislike, it may be hard for people to "fit in" at times.

However, this baffoon sounds like he needs to learn a few manners, and understand himself better, before approaching others.

Another thing, why is it so hard for some to understand, that an average introduction of themselves, with a friendly conversation, still goes a long way.

LOL, I am very fortunate. I have only ever had one Dom/Master... we have been together almost three and a half years, and i can't tell you how "normal or average" our conversations can be. But what drew me to him was his presence, and the easy-going way he had about him. Not to get all "corny" on you, but for me there has to be that spark... chemistry... a coming together... maybe even fate has a play in it.

But I know the biggest turn off for me, is some puffed up joker, strutting into a room, thinking all submissives should drop to their knees and lick the ground he walked in on. NOT IN THIS LIFETIME!!!

indian - of indianPilot

 

[sexiestsabrina]

wow. u r soooo right. as a black submissive, u can only imagine the unsolicited comments i get however, i must forgive most of them because i realize that most think they are giving me what i want. they should find out what that is first though. i can be rather outspoken and i would never allow anyone to treat me any kind of way that he wished although i still consider myself submissive. but i have to give it. many so called doms assume that its their's for the taking as they please and that is a gross misconception.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

I'm not entirely sure about the fate element but being a posessor of certain pheromones I have made a study of how that "spark" turns to an all consuming fire. It is purely chemical and when the elements are right, there's no stopping it.

for me there has to be that spark... chemistry... a coming together... maybe even fate has a play in it.

 

[Richard49]

Im talking about various people i have met on line, or whilst out, who'm claim to be a Dom/me yet behave like your evolutionary unequal.
Its a annoying factor to be catagorised as sub, simply because your female, annoying, but statistically correct i guess. What i find far more difficult is the arrogance of some dom/mes who expect deference from me?
I have no problem being polite to anyone, why is it, that these people cant?
I met two Dom/mes this weekend socially, not in a play situation. One was curteous, polite, an excellent host and unassuming. The other invaded my personal body space, my eye contact was sought constantly, and all the time playing suggestively with his whip. With more costume than consume.
What i find amazing, is the complete lack of insight, the latter had into his effect on me, and any other potential partner. His expectation that i should want to be dominated at all, let alone by him was insulting. Not if he were the last person on earth would i.
Now, he may well of been a really nice person, but his social skill deficits/excesses were seriously impeding his likely success with anyone.
And why is there an assumption that a sub will sub for anyone?
Thats not my understanding, but i could be wrong. My very subjective knowledge tells me that subbing is a earned respect.
Do any of you who are submissives accomodate any dom/me like some pavlov dog? Because this seemed to be this Dom's view. And this assumption can be seen in chat rooms-frequently.
How do other people feel when approached unsolicited by a Dom/me with a suitcase of assumptions about you?

it's interesting
I appraoch all people essentialy the same
if they "profile" themselves as submissives or slaves
(a sub is a sandwish I eat)
I still appraoch them the same
yet I have been told more times than I can count
that I am not a Dom cause I not tell them what to do
or what I am going to do to them

the positive feedback that some are talking about here
is from wannbes and inexperenced
who think they are to bow down to anyone

can not win for lossing sometimes

 

[ppaddleman]

You are confusing wannabess with less than perfect doms m dear.

Sure you are going to run into your fair share which don't impress you, which arent prefect. Which you have just run into. Big deal! You run into the same thing with vanillias too.

Bottom line is that dom or vanillia nobodys perfect. Nothing to do with wannabes, or anythg much else.

 

[DVS]

You are confusing wannabess with less than perfect doms m dear.

Sure you are going to run into your fair share which don't impress you, which arent prefect. Which you have just run into. Big deal! You run into the same thing with vanillias too.

Bottom line is that dom or vanillia nobodys perfect. Nothing to do with wannabes, or anythg much else.

I disagree. A wannabee is somebody who isn't, but wants to be or thinks that he is...someone who treats a submissive with respect, be it your sub or someone else's is a Dom.

He's not a bad Dom, if he intimidates without cause or desire and he's not a bad Dom if he attempts to smother a sub's reality without cause or desire. Doms won't do that.

A bad Dom is someone who just is no good at dominating. He might be new, or he just might not have "it", but he knows how to respect a person.

OK, I'll agree he could be a Dom gone bad, but don't label assholes like that as a Dom. And sure, the vanilla world is full of wannabees, too. Another word for wannabee is jerk.

 

[greenmands]

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/reden/a91.gif

 

[Thrall_67]

Thank you all ever so much for this discussion - been reading these posts for awhile but haven't added my 1.75 cents as of yet (Canadian dollar eh!).
i spent some time with a BDSM group locally last year after meeting my Mistress online. She invited me to the next Munch and i met the group leader who immediately spilled his drink on himself when he shook my hand at our introduction. he was clearly attracted to me but as i had only eyes for my Mistress he quickly became someone i was polite to but of little significance.

Then came the play party. Rules of the play party were made clear to me - that DM's were given power to oversee any play not deemed safe or consensual and that the roped off area was for play and that we were not to interfere with anyone engaged in play. i was directed to kneel within the play area by my Mistress and wait whilst She played with another. i was kneeling obediantly and was sneaking peaks at another Dom beside us with His sub (He was using a 6 foot bullwhip with excellent skill and i was fascinated). Then the so-called leader, with the "spill-problem", who was outside the roped area, proceeded to try and get my attention, even to the point of throwing things at me. i became so annoyed that i eventually had to disobey my Mistress and tell him clearly that he was "NOT THE BOSS OF ME". my Mistress was livid with him (and i got a beating for my behaviour -yeah, it was good) but from that day on this leader made it clear he felt that i was a poor sub and that i, i, I was the wannabe!!!!

This left me actually questioning my behaviour - the need to make my Mistress proud of me was stronger but where or where do you draw the line?

Thank You all again for this thread and the opportunity to vent............

 

[alice_underneath]

Rules of the play party were made clear to me - that DM's were given power to oversee any play not deemed safe or consensual and that the roped off area was for play and that we were not to interfere with anyone engaged in play. i was directed to kneel within the play area by my Mistress and wait whilst She played with another. i was kneeling obediantly and was sneaking peaks at another Dom beside us with His sub (He was using a 6 foot bullwhip with excellent skill and i was fascinated). Then the so-called leader, with the "spill-problem", who was outside the roped area, proceeded to try and get my attention, even to the point of throwing things at me. i became so annoyed that i eventually had to disobey my Mistress and tell him clearly that he was "NOT THE BOSS OF ME". my Mistress was livid with him (and i got a beating for my behaviour -yeah, it was good) but from that day on this leader made it clear he felt that i was a poor sub and that i, i, I was the wannabe!!!!

This left me actually questioning my behaviour - the need to make my Mistress proud of me was stronger but where or where do you draw the line?

This actually makes me question your mistress's behavior.

If she brings you into the play area and has you kneel awaiting further instructions, she has put you in a vulnerable position. Hasn't she?

And isn't her job to look after you? Isn't she responsible for dealing with the fact that some jerk outside the play area was throwing things at you?

Perhaps I just don't have a clear understanding of expected behavior in such a scenario. But frankly, I think your mistress is the one who messed up. Not you.

You raise good questions here, Thrall 67. When should a pyl draw the line? If it's true that your mistress should have intervened, but did not, aren't you justified in standing up for yourself?

You were in a tough situation, and I would hope that your mistress apologized for putting you there.

Just my opinion.

Alice

 

[Richard49]

I have often question public play
how is it different than swinging?

 

[Thrall_67]

Oops, sorry for not giving a full account............
Actually, i was not clear on the scene situation - my Mistress was engaged with another whom She subs to - yeah, it was a complex situation - She has a Master who Dom's Her but She was "stepping out" with me to try Her hand at Topping me.
Therefore, during the scene, She was tied and engaged with Her Dom and was happily in "sub-zone". She did not know about the situation until after Her scene was completed and when others (as well as myself - ok, i was annoyed and not sure of what to do and i guess i am a bit of a tattle-tale )informed Her of it. She then proceeded to "tear a strip off" this leader - whom She had in the past given his due respect. The DM who was near the roped area at the time was not aware of this and when my Mistress consulted Him prior to speaking with the individual - He agreed and also "reminded" the individual of the rules of "his" own play party. i was clearly inside the ropes and even though my job was to kneel and wait (it was my first play party so i was allowed to observe), no-one should have tried to engage me in anyway during that time. One of the reasons for placing me within the roped area was to stop this exact thing - since She and Her Master had invited me to the play party and didn't want to leave me alone. At least that was the impression i had of the situation.

Rules of play parties differ for various host groups - one of the reasons why we sign waivers prior to play - and need to be taken as absolutes for all. Alas, there is so much complexity in the world we live in that this type of prodical is sometimes difficult to ascertain, most especially when one is new to a group. i have met some serious players whom i respect so highly that i feel humbled and tongue-tied (bondage pun ) in Their presence, while meeting others that i truely wouldn't trust taking out my garbage................

 

[graceanne]

I'd say that 'dom' is the wanna be. You were doing as you were told, your mistress was doing what she was told. It sounds like the rules are very specific, and this asshole felt that he was above those rules or something. He also sounds waaaaaay pathetic. I mean have some pride! Throwing stuff at someone who's ignoring you is about as pathetic as it gets.

 

[DVS]

I have often question public play
how is it different than swinging?

Public play may or may not involve those other than the playing party, i.e. Dom/me and sub. That is then just being seen while playing with your sub. That's public play, from how I see it. Some people get off on "doing their thing" while being watched.


Swinging would be when these partners exchange subs with another partner and /or when sex is involved and the couples engage in a group sex scene. Until couples engage in such activities, it is considered a public play situation.

How'd I do?

 

[Blushing Bottom]

How'd I do?

Semantically speaking...perfect.

 

[DVS]

Oops, sorry for not giving a full account............
Actually, i was not clear on the scene situation - my Mistress was engaged with another whom She subs to - yeah, it was a complex situation - She has a Master who Dom's Her but She was "stepping out" with me to try Her hand at Topping me.
Therefore, during the scene, She was tied and engaged with Her Dom and was happily in "sub-zone". She did not know about the situation until after Her scene was completed and when others (as well as myself - ok, i was annoyed and not sure of what to do and i guess i am a bit of a tattle-tale )informed Her of it. She then proceeded to "tear a strip off" this leader - whom She had in the past given his due respect. The DM who was near the roped area at the time was not aware of this and when my Mistress consulted Him prior to speaking with the individual - He agreed and also "reminded" the individual of the rules of "his" own play party. i was clearly inside the ropes and even though my job was to kneel and wait (it was my first play party so i was allowed to observe), no-one should have tried to engage me in anyway during that time. One of the reasons for placing me within the roped area was to stop this exact thing - since She and Her Master had invited me to the play party and didn't want to leave me alone. At least that was the impression i had of the situation.

Rules of play parties differ for various host groups - one of the reasons why we sign waivers prior to play - and need to be taken as absolutes for all. Alas, there is so much complexity in the world we live in that this type of prodical is sometimes difficult to ascertain, most especially when one is new to a group. i have met some serious players whom i respect so highly that i feel humbled and tongue-tied (bondage pun ) in Their presence, while meeting others that i truely wouldn't trust taking out my garbage................

That "Dom" was an idiot. And, no matter what a sub is told, if and when it comes to personal safety or personal pride anybody, be they sub or Dom can step out of their position and reprimand someone who has dissed them. Even in the workplace. If the boss has shown you disrespect, he needs to know it.

In your situation, you were doing as told, and that jerk was just pestering you, probably to see if you would step out of your role and acknowledge him. Sure, he got what he wanted, but he also found out that wasn't the thing to do.

He should be thankful it was only as simple as it was and not something more serious. His inability to show simple respect to another person...that other person minding his own business and following the set rules. This jerk reminds me of when I was in grade school and the class bully was shooting spitwads at the blackboard, behind the teacher's back. It's the same kind of mentality.

You did just as you should have. You need to follow rules given to you by authority figures. The jerk does, too. There is a point in time when...if someone is not following the rules and invading your space, and someone of authority isn't there to see, you need to stand up for your personal dignity.