Dominance and submission - the necessary mindsets

[MisterSir]

Oh Christ, it's that guy. Every once in a while I've looked at his ad and thought something along the lines of "What a mook", mostly because he feels the need to explain his metaphor as he goes along, I just didn't make the connection. From that first post, it seems almost like he has an exceptionally low opinion of the rest of us, so the resultant smacking down has been quite funny to read.

 

[LadyC]

In the short time I have been on Lit, I've noticed a lot of subscribers tend to over think pleasure, treating it as if it were a business. Over thinking, analyzing something a wonderful and beautiful as the relationship between a dominant and her/his subservient lover causes it to take on all the warmth of a merger between GM and Ford. All the melding of personalities requires is a meeting of hearts....love.

 

[BiBunny]

There are quite a few self-proclaimed "Doms" both on Lit and on other sites who often throw themselves pity parties about not having subs. They bitch about how everyone is fake (but them, of course), etc., etc.

Leaving aside the fact that there are always more subs than Doms, so any decent Dom worth his salt will almost always be in demand (*ahem*), a big problem for these people in attracting subs is this: Whining is not Domly. So any sub worth her salt is going to look at that crap, roll her eyes, and go "Bitch, please."

Just something to think about.

 

[Over_Lord]

Anyway, seriously...

There would appear to be a knee jerk tendency among my detractors on this thread to assert that I am complaining about 'not finding anyone suitable' - to make the assumption leap that I am not in any D/s relationship currently and that this would obviously be because of my flawed personality...

On the other hand, those whose native language is actually English and possessed of a basic minimum of brain cells may have noted that I was talking of the preponderance of self-proclaimed 'subs' who approach me. Nothing else.

At no point did I say that I was a poor, all-on-my-ownsome, lonesome Dom.

I was making an assessment of the mindset of those, with honorable exceptions, who have initiated contact with me in my relatively short time on the site.

 

[MisterSir]

Oh, your point was true. Your attitude? Not so much. Crazily, if you act like a jerk, people will think you are a jerk.

SHOCK.

 

[rosco rathbone]

What a surprise.

Look, Omar (is it okay if I call you Omar? I'm having a bit of trouble with Lord) - if the remote email thing constitutes your life's dream of true D/s, then I say rock on.

However, I don't know too many people who get inspired, impressed, or turned on by a tendency to blame everybody else for one's own relationship failures.

Therefore, instead of wasting time stomping your feet and ranting over a perceived shortage of pretty British flies, perhaps it would be more helpful to contemplate the possibility that your web sucks.

The "remote domination" thing makes me think it's just a troll.

 

[LadyC]

Anyway, seriously...

There would appear to be a knee jerk tendency among my detractors on this thread to assert that I am complaining about 'not finding anyone suitable' - to make the assumption leap that I am not in any D/s relationship currently and that this would obviously be because of my flawed personality...

On the other hand, those whose native language is actually English and possessed of a basic minimum of brain cells may have noted that I was talking of the preponderance of self-proclaimed 'subs' who approach me. Nothing else.

At no point did I say that I was a poor, all-on-my-ownsome, lonesome Dom.

I was making an assessment of the mindset of those, with honorable exceptions, who have initiated contact with me in my relatively short time on the site.

You attitude is what is wrong with most so call dominant males....they are merely bullies.

 

[Over_Lord]

Oh, your point was true. Your attitude? Not so much. Crazily, if you act like a jerk, people will think you are a jerk.

SHOCK.

To which I can only shrug.

I made an observation. Nothing more. Any 'attitude' is strictly in the mind of the partisan commentator.

If, to your interesting way of perceiving things, certain matters must never be mentioned because their sheer existence causes others to feel inadequate and/or disparaged, then by all means adopt such an attitude... but do not expect to be followed by yours truly or anyone else who wishes to state matters plainly as they see them.

 

[midwestyankee]

To the OP: thanks for creating this thread. I've always wondered why my mother advised me to avoid douchebags and now I finally see what she meant.

 

[MisterSir]

To which I can only shrug.

I made an observation. Nothing more. Any 'attitude' is strictly in the mind of the partisan commentator.

Nononononono. Let's go through the thread and pick out some examples

It means, as a minimum, that the brain really ought to be involved in D/s.

Go on... give it a try...

You seem to object to my use of the word 'true' and I have noticed that there is a BDSM mafia who conduct witch hunts against anyone who dares suggest that D/s can and should be a somewhat deeper matter than sex with a superfical dressing of ropes and whips.

...

Oh and by the way - this may come as something of a rude shock for someone vaunting with surprisingly strident pontification their alleged 'submissive tendencies' - but as to whose feet at which you decide loftily to throw yourself, nobody around here gives much of a flying fuck...

Insulting, arrogant, hectoring, self-aggrandising, pick whichever word sounds coolest. I personally like the way you imply mylaceratedheart is less of a submissive because she treated you like the ass you were, marvellous work.

If, to your interesting way of perceiving things, certain matters must never be mentioned because their sheer existence causes others to feel inadequate and/or disparaged, then by all means adopt such an attitude... but do not expect to be followed by yours truly or anyone else who wishes to state matters plainly as they see them.

Yeah. You've clearly missed the point like a blind darts player, I'm going to concur with the assessment of troll. Sucks for you, I guess.

 

[JMohegan]

The "remote domination" thing makes me think it's just a troll.

I think he's crabby because Mrs. Omar won't give head.

 

[midwestyankee]

I think he's crabby because Mrs. Omar won't give head.

Or perhaps she's a biter.

 

[CutieMouse]

What a surprise.

Look, Omar (is it okay if I call you Omar?)

<snip>

... perhaps it would be more helpful to contemplate the possibility that your web sucks.

I think he's crabby because Mrs. Omar won't give head.

JM you really need to warn a lady before saying things like that... I've nearly choked from laughing twice now.

 

[CutieMouse]

Or perhaps she's a biter.

Make that three.

 

[Over_Lord]

Nononononono. Let's go through the thread and pick out some examples





Insulting, arrogant, hectoring, self-aggrandising, pick whichever word sounds coolest. I personally like the way you imply mylaceratedheart is less of a submissive because she treated you like the ass you were, marvellous work.



Yeah. You've clearly missed the point like a blind darts player, I'm going to concur with the assessment of troll. Sucks for you, I guess.

Unless you can point to any 'attitude' in the thesis of my OP, which is actually what the detractors were objecting to, I shall treat your 'thoughts' as yet more product churned out of the BDSM mafia's mill and its let's-all-hug-each-other-and-ignore-things-we-don't-like mentality.

Dismissible therefore as not based in logic and irrrelevant.

'Blind darts player'..? It actually seems I have hit the bulls-eye more than once in the OP, to judge by certain reactions...

 

[00Syd]

Ooh! Ooh!

*raises hand and waves it frantically*

Can I be part of the BDSM mafia? Pretty, pretty please?

 

[Cattypuss]

Wow, OverLord, I must say I'm glad I didn't get involved in an online relationshp with you. From your post on the Frecnh forum I thought maybe you were okay. Which is why I responded there. But now I see what you're really like.

Wow.

 

[CutieMouse]

Unless you can point to any 'attitude' in the thesis of my OP, which is actually what the detractors were objecting to, I shall treat your 'thoughts' as yet more product churned out of the BDSM mafia's mill and its let's-all-hug-each-other-and-ignore-things-we-don't-like mentality.

Dismissible therefore as not based in logic and irrrelevant.

'Blind darts player'..? It actually seems I have hit the bulls-eye more than once in the OP, to judge by certain reactions...

Lets revisit the OP then...

I wonder if other Doms, like me, tire of being approached by people calling themselves 'subs', who have never had a submissive thought in their head in their lives and who seem to believe that submission is ALL about simple physical matters... bondage, spankings etc. and inevitably bound up with intercourse every hour, on the hour.

Given the propensity of pornography depicting BDSM as exactly what was described above, is it really that much of a shock to find 'submissives' who define BDSM as "bondage, spankings, etc, and inevitably bound up with intercourse every hour, on the hour." ? [And the flip side - 'dominants' who feel every self identified submissive on the planet must {of course} supply them with nude photographic tokens of said submission?]

In the last few weeks alone, there have been multiple threads asking if BDSM is just about pain, or just about bondage, or can you be into BDSM but not humiliation, etc., etc., etc. ... maybe it isn't so much that those new to BDSM haven't ever had a submissive thought cross their minds, as they haven't had opportunity to witness/experience/interact with those who practice BDSM from a non-porn standpoint. [Acknowledging that there are those who manage to blend incredibly hot porn-level BDSM with everyday life, just fine; bless them. ]

The psychology and life changing elements of true Domination/submission, it seems, have never crossed the minds of these people.

This would be where the asshat flags went up. One might argue that long distance email 'domination' is nowhere near "true" with regards to power based relationships, yet you appeared to throw down a gauntlet declaring those who don't practice your particular brand of kink as wannabes. Bad form, m'dear... bad form.

It seems to me that the necessary mindsets for both Dom and sub are actually quite rare and are a prize well worth waiting for, discarding the shallowness you meet in droves along the way.

Needle in a haystack, yes; "prize"? Piffle. (I shall spare you my rant about the popular sugar coated "gift" analogy.) I wouldn't even claim those met along the way are shallow, as much as incompatible... again - a annoyance to which both sides of the dynamic are subjected.

 

[midwestyankee]

Ooh! Ooh!

*raises hand and waves it frantically*

Can I be part of the BDSM mafia? Pretty, pretty please?

Sure, doll. You can be one of my "guys." You want the sex-toy store money-laundering gig or do you want to try your hand at anti-troll enforcement?

MWY
Da Capo

 

[midwestyankee]

side note to MWY - should it have been "a annoyance which both sides of the dynamic are subjected to." or "an annoyance to which both sides are subjected." ? My grammar isn't feeling all that strong today...

The latter.

 

[Davetmat]

I'm interested in being more dominant , this thread gives me a good idea how i don't want to be, thanks op!

 

[00Syd]

Sure, doll. You can be one of my "guys." You want the sex-toy store money-laundering gig or do you want to try your hand at anti-troll enforcement?

MWY
Da Capo

Can I work at the sex store and try a little anti-troll enforcement on the side? And you'll need someone to test out all of those sex toys.. y'know.. just to make sure that they are safe.

And can we make up Mafia nick names?

 

[Over_Lord]

Lets revisit the OP then...



Given the propensity of pornography depicting BDSM as exactly what was described above, is it really that much of a shock to find 'submissives' who define BDSM as "bondage, spankings, etc, and inevitably bound up with intercourse every hour, on the hour." ? [And the flip side - 'dominants' who feel every self identified submissive on the planet must {of course} supply them with nude photographic tokens of said submission?]

In the last few weeks alone, there have been multiple threads asking if BDSM is just about pain, or just about bondage, or can you be into BDSM but not humiliation, etc., etc., etc. ... maybe it isn't so much that those new to BDSM haven't ever had a submissive thought cross their minds, as they haven't had opportunity to witness/experience/interact with those who practice BDSM from a non-porn standpoint. [Acknowledging that there are those who manage to blend incredibly hot porn-level BDSM with everyday life, just fine, bless them. ]



This would be where the asshat flags went up. One might argue that long distance email 'domination' is nowhere near "true" with regards to power based relationships, yet you appeared to throw down a gauntlet declaring those who don't practice your particular brand of kink as wannabes. Bad form, m'dear... bad form.



Needle in a haystack, yes; "prize"? Piffle. (I shall spare you my rant about the popular sugar coated "gift" analogy.) I wouldn't even claim those met along the way are shallow, as much as incompatible... again - a annoyance which both sides of the dynamic are subjected to.

Opinion, dressed up as fact... more than slightly betrayed by the apparently irresistible compulsion to hide lack of argument behind the 'm'dears' and 'bad forms'.

My OP was little other than statistical observation... and it is precisely the stats which are being resented. I refer you to my Flat Earth comment.

I stand my ground.

 

[midwestyankee]

Can I work at the sex store and try a little anti-troll enforcement on the side? And you'll need someone to test out all of those sex toys.. y'know.. just to make sure that they are safe.

And can we make up Mafia nick names?

Sure, you can try some double duty. Remember that ya gotta always give your capo some off the top. That goes for the testing thing too, ya know.

I think we'll call you Martini.

 

[00Syd]

Opinion, dressed up as fact... more than slightly betrayed by the apparently irresistible compulsion to hide lack of argument behind the 'm'dears' and 'bad forms'.

My OP was little other than statistical observation... and it is precisely the stats which are being resented. I refer you to my Flat Earth comment.

I stand my ground.

Haha, no, its the idea that there is a one true way to practice D/s that's being resented. If you haven't gotten that by now, then there is no hope for you, I'm afraid.