Dominant - Love Involved

[TooTiredToLive]

now we need the point of view of the PYL. Can you successfully Dom anyone or must there be a connection also.

Will you Dom anyone who asks or do you need the connection.

thanks

Miss Diva

Not having read all the posts in the thread, because I'm tired and my eyes are gritty, I may well be repeating other viewpoints, but I'll give my viewpoint just because it's mine.

Will I Dom anyone who asks? No. I am Dominant by nature (and like Geoff, sadistic by nature, training and preference), and will therefore be dominant in almost all situations; however, I will not engage in a Dominance/submission relationship with someone I don't A) know well, B) have a certain degree of emotional connection with, and C) want to have a continuing r/l interaction with.

Will I Top anyone who asks? No - but I will Top most females who ask (sorry, I'm irretrievably hetero). The reason I stipulate most females is that I would have to be sure, before Topping them, that they understood, accepted and wanted my version (degree?) of Topping, which is in most circles considered rather on the severe side. If I felt that they were too inexperienced to understand the realities of being Topped by me, or that they were unable to accept them - sorry, honey, go find someone in your league.

I realize that may sound somewhat egotistical or elitist, but it's actually both self-protection and protection of the innocent. After forty or so years of doing this, my proclivities run toward cane, tawse, leather-tipped quirt, heavy floggers and paddles - devices that will leave marks - bruises, contusions, even the occasional trickle of blood, and I don't need someone getting upset when they see their ass and the backs of their thighs the next morning and running to the cops.

 

[sister76]

Not having read all the posts in the thread, because I'm tired and my eyes are gritty, I may well be repeating other viewpoints, but I'll give my viewpoint just because it's mine.

Will I Dom anyone who asks? No...

Wow, nice to read someone's view on stuff. Thanks. I'm new to this and am glad to hear what other people think about it who have been doing it for a while.

 

[SilkVelvet]

One of the most interesting threads I have read on Lit in a long time and respect to Netzach and Marquis especially.

" Submission is a gift "

For me, the hardest part (mentally) about being a sub, was admitting to myself and then to a Dom, that I wanted him to physically hurt me, and that it was a deep sexual need of mine.

I don't really understand exactly why I need it, and partly the blame has to rest on the whole psychobabble ritualistic stuff on Lit and elsewhere which had me semi-brainwashed even very very recently, into thinking that submission is a gift.

Submission is not a gift, it's a choice. A choice born of sexual need. Believing that submission is a gift allows a sub to be in denial, whereas believing that submission is a choice or need, doesn't.

" Submissives need protecting"

It seems to me, that there is a basic dichotomy in thinking that a submissive who can stand pain (often a lot of it) and humiliation, is a mentally and physically weak person who needs wrapping in cotton wool.

Submission is a gift and submissives need protecting, seem to me to be nice pink cuddly Cinderella sentiments, that don't (in my mind) fit well with the physicality of BDSM and all that leather and latex !

Netzach's point of view in particular, made me realise why the man I hope will be my Dom (crossing everything) thinks that being a Dom is a responsibility he would rather not have but is stuck with because he needs to control, own and inflict pain.

So instead of thinking I will be doing him a favour by submitting, I realise that I have to take some responsibility for my needs and be proactive ie do everything that I can to make dominating me less of a burden for him. So a heart-felt thank you Netzach It's particularly important that I do it because he is a CEO of a multi-national company, divorced father with shared custody and the lynchpin of his extended family, holding them together. It just wouldn't work if I submitted and then expected him to take all the responsibility and do all the work.

I think that some subs do have a romanticised view of Dominants which isn't healthy, because we are all human and if we put someone on a pedestal s/he is bound to fall off eventually !

Sorry it got so long <blush>

 

[nh23]

For me there has to be a connection for me to be a good sub. Can't speak for my dom but sure he feels the same way. To me if my submission is a gift then his dominance must be considered a gift also. We are fulfilling a deep need in each other.

 

[Marquis]

But circling back to Netzach's analogy - there's a difference between the stuff you'd expect to hear the skydiver say after he makes a great landing, and the stuff he should be talking about when he's learning to use his gear.

Ha ha, poetry.