Double Blind 2 - the poems and critiques only

[AlwaysHungry]

Haloperidol Memories

Tall branches sway and rustle in gentle breezes
blue skies and sunlight skim amidst the pine sap scent
lights flash as we run leap
and dash
between echoes of our own laughter

pine cone grenades lobbed
we dive for cover
behind aged trunks
escape toward the small stream

ankle deep we prospect for
fool's gold
search for marron in the mud
kicking up sprays of ice cold water
rainbows arc in the air
happiness has taken flight
and we are dancing

my brother and I
strip naked on the river bank
in the midst of pine needles
floating on the surface
small fish dart through the shadows
creating ripples
devouring mosquitoes

we splash and laugh
the forest booms it back
infected with our joy

but...
that was a long time ago
I look through the hospital window
as you wear holes in the floor
the lone pine tree
looms in full view
making a mockery
of the forest in your mind

tears fall and
the rainbows have died

I'm not sure the changes here are an improvement, but it doesn't matter, because I like both versions.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

The Turning of Mary Walker (revised)

The sunken belly revelation
now a mockery amok within the flock
Minister Ryan
condescending fuck!
reaching into his robe
retrieving his mighty righteous
condemnation

In the holiest hardcore sanctuary
salvation is afforded to rapists
Grit my teeth and clench my fists
Another's sinister actions
are my consequence

As people across our great nation
sing in praise of Jesus and rejoice
I remain choker chained
larynx strained without a voice
pained from my most difficult choice

Leper in houses of the holier than thou
I am stained
the blackened sheep of the family
who only mourn for one little lamb dead
silenced in my refusal to carry instead
released back into the wild

Being fucked over once again
because I spoiled your child
Don't you even dare
consider sparing me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn

I solemnly swear on the Bible
as I sit in this Witness chair standing trial
to only believe in myself from here on out
turn my back on all of you lousy shits
your god of rapists and hypocrites
while inside I rage and shout

I managed to correctly ID the author on this one, for a change. Mags manages to blend rage with playfulness, no mean feat. I liked the way he replaced the pop music references with far more original ideas -- "Leper in houses of the holier than thou," nice line. But I will confess that I am let down by the new concluding stanza. It seems explanatory and superfluous. Although I liked the rhyming of "shits" with "hypocrites."

 

[Lyricalli]

I haven't yet taken a close look at theThe Turning of Mary Walker but something stood out to me when I read it:

Don't you even dare
consider sparing me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn​

To me,they feel clunky now. I really liked the bite of the original lines:

Don't spare me your rod
Ryan, this time make it really burn​

When I read them aloud, I can really dig into the original lines; they just roll out with piss and vinegar. The revision is a bit of a mouthful, and I think that lessens the strength of them.

If adding the rhyme of "dare" is important, then perhaps something briefer:

Don't you dare spare your rod
Ryan, this time make it really burn​

I just really, really liked the original two lines.

 

[Magnetron]

I tend to experiment alot ( and go overboard ) in the revision process. Some changes work, some don't. I'll prolly do more editing on the darn thing today.

Let it be a lesson to yawl. Never throw out old poems you don't like or think are stinkers.

 

[greenmountaineer]

I haven't yet taken a close look at theThe Turning of Mary Walker but something stood out to me when I read it:

Don't you even dare
consider sparing me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn​

To me,they feel clunky now. I really liked the bite of the original lines:

Don't spare me your rod
Ryan, this time make it really burn​

When I read them aloud, I can really dig into the original lines; they just roll out with piss and vinegar. The revision is a bit of a mouthful, and I think that lessens the strength of them.

If adding the rhyme of "dare" is important, then perhaps something briefer:

Don't you dare spare your rod
Ryan, this time make it really burn​

I just really, really liked the original two lines.

Me too. It was the most powerful part of the poem. "Dare" lessened the effect IMO.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

I tried to incorporate all the suggestions that were made, although I will confess to turning a deaf ear on the issue capitalizing the first word of the lines. Somehow doing that makes me feel a kinship to the poets I most revere, Keats, Shelley, Shakespeare and Donne.

I know that writing a sonnet made my authorship highly guessable and may have taken some of the fun out of things. However, the serious subject matter (the Seventh Commandment) seemed to require the gravitas of a sonnet.

 

[HoneyAdored]

......

 

[legerdemer]

If anyone feels like it, post any further versions of your poems either to this thread or to your own personal threads - I for one would love to see what happens to these.

 

[Magnetron]

If anyone feels like it, post any further versions of your poems either to this thread or to your own personal threads - I for one would love to see what happens to these.

Slowly but surely we are getting there.



The Turning of Mary Walker

The sunken belly revelation
now a mockery amok within the flock
Minister Ryan
condescending fuck!
wielding with his mighty righteous
condemnation in hand

In sanctuaries of the sanctimonious
salvation is afforded to rapists
Without question I might add
I can only clench my fists
saddled with the consequences
arisen from another's sinister actions
I had no say in

As people across our great land
sing in praise of Jesus and rejoice
I remain choker chained without a voice
pained from my most difficult choice

Leper in houses of the holier than thou
I am stained
the blackened sheep of the family
who only mourn for one little lamb
dead silenced in my refusal to carry
instead released back into the wild

Being fucked over once again
because I spoiled your child
Don't you dare spare me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn

Standing trial in this Witness chair
I do solemnly swear on the Bible
to believe only in myself from here on out
turning my back on you lousy shits
with your god of rapists and hypocrites
while inside I rage and shout

 

[AlwaysHungry]

I have added some more comments.

Slowly but surely we are getting there.



The Turning of Mary Walker

The sunken belly revelation
now a mockery amok within the flock
Minister Ryan
condescending fuck!
wielding with his mighty righteous I would delete "with" to prevent weird syntax
condemnation in hand

In sanctuaries of the sanctimonious
salvation is afforded to rapists
Without question I might add
I can only clench my fists
saddled with the consequences
arisen from another's sinister actions
I had no say in This line seems redundant

As people across our great land
sing in praise of Jesus and rejoice
I remain choker chained without a voice
pained from my most difficult choice

Leper in houses of the holier than thou
I am stained
the blackened sheep of the family
who only mourn for one little lamb
dead silenced in my refusal to carry
instead released back into the wild this line is confusing. I liked the "lamb" formulation in your very first version best.

Being fucked over once again
because I spoiled your child
Don't you dare spare me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn

Standing trial in this Witness chair
I do solemnly swear on the Bible
to believe only in myself from here on out This stanza, to my mind, is explanatory and prosaic. VMMV.
turning my back on you lousy shits
with your god of rapists and hypocrites
while inside I rage and shout

 

[Lyricalli]

Slowly but surely we are getting there.

I was going to share some thoughts, but before I got very far, I noticed that AH had already covered some things I was going to: the 'with' in the first stanza, the last line in the second, and the lines about the lamb. Regarding the latter, I like the change to "houses of the holier than thou", but I prefer the simpler first version of this part:

who only mourn for one little silenced lamb
I refused to carry​

Though, I have to admit, every time I read it, my brain turns it into "one silenced little lamb." To me, the bits about returning it to the wild lessens the impact of what you're saying there.


And, now, I'm returning to my favorite lines from the origninal piece.

Don't you dare spare me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn​

If you keep 'dare' and 'me', I suggest dropping the 'you'.

Or you could just drop the 'me'.

In either case, the cadence of that line sounds better to me when I read it than as it stands now.

ETA: I forgot to mention that I think those lines make the strongest ending to the poem.

 

[Magnetron]

LOL I have no idea how "with" ended up Line 5. A Cut N Paste Hack N Slash artifact.

 

[Piscator]

I mostly stayed out of this challenge as I was busy preparing for and then going on a back country canoe trip to provide our Ontario blackflies with their quota of blood.

Overall this seemed a more polished group of poems then the previous lot. I was impressed with their quality and wonder if some of the comments didn't tkae them overboard. In particular I liked "You asked" and "The Turning" more in their original version.

 

[legerdemer]

I mostly stayed out of this challenge as I was busy preparing for and then going on a back country canoe trip to provide our Ontario blackflies with their quota of blood.

Overall this seemed a more polished group of poems then the previous lot. I was impressed with their quality and wonder if some of the comments didn't tkae them overboard. In particular I liked "You asked" and "The Turning" more in their original version.

Getting over-bombarded with comments is certainly a risk. But I hope no one is taking any of the critiques too seriously - they're only suggestions for consideration. I for one don't feel hurt if mine are deep-sixed, hell I expect it!

 

[Magnetron]

I had no say in

It is and it isn't redundant.

At this point in the poem, there is only the suggestion that the narrator was raped.

The reason I inserted this was to tie Stanza 2 and 3 better together.

I could always say I am choker chained ..... in Stanza 3, but I'm already leaning heavily on I am in Stanza 4.

To say I remain without the why? begs for some explanation about prior events.

who only mourn for one little lamb
dead silenced in my refusal to carry
instead released back into the wild

I'm still experimenting with this. It was meant to help Stanza 5 flow better after I removed the line about tables being turned, which didn't really fit. wild and child work very well together.

And into the wild is meant to suggest taking the child out of the hands of the flock. In Jehova's Witness Math, that's 144,000 - 1.

dead and instead I admit don't need to be in there, but that's what happens when you give me more time to play with something. I go rhyme crazy.

Being fucked over once again
because I spoiled your child
Don't you dare spare me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn

Here's the problem I have. There is an uncomfortable pause to my ears without the you dare. Don't dare is less uncomfortable.

The original lines are just too choppy and way uncomfortable to me.

And I can't end it after burn. It begs for another stanza.

 

[legerdemer]

Being fucked over once again
because I spoiled your child
Don't you dare spare me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn

Here's the problem I have. There is an uncomfortable pause to my ears without the you dare. Don't dare is less uncomfortable.

The original lines are just too choppy and way uncomfortable to me.

....

Perhaps:

Do not dare spare me your rod (just another thought based on your explanation)

 

[Magnetron]

Perhaps:

Do not dare spare me your rod (just another thought based on your explanation)

This is madness.

Don't spare me your rod you COCKSUCKER




Now I can't stop laughing

 

[Remec]

I mostly stayed out of this challenge as I was busy preparing for and then going on a back country canoe trip to provide our Ontario blackflies with their quota of blood.

Overall this seemed a more polished group of poems then the previous lot. I was impressed with their quality and wonder if some of the comments didn't tkae them overboard. In particular I liked "You asked" and "The Turning" more in their original version.

Thanks for that. (Bold above is my addition.)

When Mer was first soliciting poems to participate in this, I didn't think I had anything on hand, and wasn't working on anything in particular; but when I went through my WIP folder, I found that one and figured it may as well go through the process since I hadn't done anything with it (that I could recall) since it was first written.

I agree that, perhaps, I was working a little overly consciously to get the form right, and by breaking it into a more free-style format I may have lessened the poeticness of the whole thing.

But, when it comes down to it, it is--as I believe Harry pointed out--an old and common tale of boy meets girl, girl thinks boy is interested in her and asks him about it, boy admits to his feelings and the two of them indulge themselves even though girl is married with children and having an affair with boy is the first sign of that marriage's collapse.

I do believe I have some more insight into how to present this and, when I get the chance, will have a version 1.5 to post up in here.