Double Blind 2 - the poems and critiques only

[Lyricalli]

..
Heh!, this is not the first Dali inspired poem we've seen lately, but I cant say where exactly

The Poets I don't get thread, perhaps?



ETA: I just remembered these two from the 30/30:

Mer's 1-17, followed by Remec's Timelessness(9-18)


That's the best my memory's got.


.

 

[todski28]

This whole piece screams mental illnes on behalf of the spanish speaking lady, the narrators perspective come across as sympathetic and stuck in the middle of something they have no controll of, merely reporting the scene in all its messy glory, the triangle is interesting, does it stand for the greek symbol delta, or is it represnting the societal shunning of mentally ill people?? As in we dont triangle (understand) what the fuck is going on.

Brown eye balls fall to the floor, to me represents the way we tend to look at the mentally ill, sideways or acknowledge the same way you would a rabid dog, as little threat and eye contact as possible, it also indicates a sense of either shame or despair for the person losing their proverbial shit.

When some one is screaming and hysterical your body language tends to want to avoid it, i.e. look down, or away.

Will have to come back later I hope yo fuck I get time.

 

[legerdemer]

#8 Untitled

I recognized the song of love; I knew
It from before, but I had never heard
It sound so clear and resonant. It stirred
My ears, caressed my thoughts, and drew
My heart into its harmony anew.
I yearned to sing a counter-subject, yet
I hesitated; Let us not forget,
As passionate musicians sometimes do:
To everyone there is a part assigned,
That binds us to a single melody,
A signature of key and time expressed
On paper. Yet, I sang. And now I find,
In reaching for a love not meant to be,
My singing heart will never find its rest.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

This poem needs more adjectives, more description, more sensuality. It seems a little distant. I am also thinking that there are too many colons and semi-colons.

 

[greenmountaineer]

#8 Untitled

The diction and rhyme scheme of this sonnet made it a pleasant read for me. I liked the analogy of music too.

I don't like abstractions in poems unless there isn't an alternative. "Love" wasn't necessary in the first line, and furthermore, why say it when the whole poem speaks of it?

"I recognized the song once more. I knew
It from before,..."

works better IMO.

I'm as not familiar with music as I'd to be, so I may be off base here, but "counterpoint" seems stronger to me than "counter subject" if they mean the same. "Subject," again seems very general. "Point" is a sharper image. Pardon the pun.

Although brief, "Yet I sang." was very powerful.

"In reaching for a love not meant to be," for reasons already mentioned, I think is another opportunity missed. I began thinking of a voice's range requiring a difficult high note.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

I'm as not familiar with music as I'd to be, so I may be off base here, but "counterpoint" seems stronger to me than "counter subject" if they mean the same.

"Counterpoint" means the general science of composing polyphonic (multi-voice) music, or the application of that science. A "counter subject" is a melody, which responds contrapuntally to an initial melody. By "contrapuntally", it means as a rule that it doesn't function as a harmony part, following the "shape" of the initial melody, but rather follows a contrasting "shape" that is nonetheless harmonically compatible. TMI?

 

[greenmountaineer]

"Counterpoint" means the general science of composing polyphonic (multi-voice) music, or the application of that science. A "counter subject" is a melody, which responds contrapuntally to an initial melody. By "contrapuntally", it means as a rule that it doesn't function as a harmony part, following the "shape" of the initial melody, but rather follows a contrasting "shape" that is nonetheless harmonically compatible. TMI?

Not at all. Thanks. With that in mind, my comments about them don't apply.

 

[legerdemer]

I recognized the song of love; I knew
It from before, but I had never heard
It sound so clear and resonant. It stirred
My ears, caressed my thoughts, and drew
My heart into its harmony anew.
I yearned to sing a counter-subject, yet
I hesitated; Let us not forget,
As passionate musicians sometimes do:
To everyone there is a part assigned,
That binds us to a single melody,
A signature of key and time expressed
On paper. Yet, I sang. And now I find,
In reaching for a love not meant to be,
My singing heart will never find its rest.

Like gm said, I also think counter point would work much much better (counter subject sounds like a lead weight plopped in the middle of the poem). And I will quibble, nay - argue - with AH that metaphors shouldn't be adhered to too stringently. Counter point is a motif that runs counter to the main one, even in lay musical terms, and to stick by a musical convention that fewer than the 1% classically trained musicians in the world would be aware of I believe is counterproductive.

About the colons - there's one. And no semi-colons; oh, found two! Possibly too many commas, but I don't think so.

One thing that would help the reading is to get rid of the Caps at the beginning of each line (despite poetic conventions of old) - and let the sentences flow they way they normally would.

For the most part, I found the poem subtle and reflective, and liked that tone in it a lot. A I hope the poem's author doesn't add too much sensuality at the expense of this tone, as I think this makes it special.

I agree with gm on his suggestion for the first line - very nice.

And finally (well, for now, anyway) I really like the last three lines. A lot.

 

[Magnetron]

#8 Untitled

I recognized the song of love; I knew <-redundant
It from before, but I had never heard <-redundant
It sound so clear and resonant. It stirred <-redundant
My ears, caressed my thoughts, and drew
My heart into its harmony anew.
I yearned to sing a counter-subject, yet
I hesitated; Let us not forget,
As passionate musicians sometimes do:
To everyone there is a part assigned,
That binds us to a single melody,
A signature of key and time expressed
On paper. Yet, I sang. And now I find,
In reaching for a love not meant to be,
My singing heart will never find its rest.


In this case where lines are being fractured, capitalization beginning every line is a distraction.

Words in bold are repetitious. Some aren't necessary. Some could be replaced with more engaging words.

The redundancy in Lines 1-3 can easily be cleaned up and compressed into 2.

I knew this song of love, but had never heard
it so clear and resonant before. It stirred

A lot of the redundancy is from trying to package this into a nice tidy looking rhymer.

Write what you want to say first, work on the rhyming later.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Mags makes a good point about repetition. I would add the focus on the self (I, my) is a little too much with the emphasis on "little." I'd scale it back just a little. The "I" is important in a love poem.

I have a "yes but" to the repetition and pronouns. I wouldn't delete any one if it disrupted the sound of music in the poem. A sonnet after all is supposed to be musical, at least in tradition, and this sonnet does it well, particularly with the way the poet enjambs some lines to create subtle and pleasing variation in the sound. And let's not forget the many sonnets about love. The form fits the narrative here.

"Anew" doesn't work IMO. "Recognized" was used in line 1. If anything, her heart's harmony is "renewed" because she once recognized the song of love. I think this where pure rhyme can get in the way. Personally, I don't think the "d" in "renewed" detracts much, if at all.

Also, I've seen sonnet lines begin with spondees. For example, "How do I love thee?," although others might hear that as iambic. I don't, and it's still pleasing to my ear. In this regard, "eardrums" and "heartstrings" gets rid of two "mys."

I also don't like the beginning of lines capitalized, although that's a matter of style, so I can work through that as a reader. In my case, I've been trained to read that as the beginning of a sentence, and I think therefore it weakens the otherwise skillful enjambment the poet uses. We're seeing less and less of that in poetry, and I suspect it will be viewed as a poetic anachronism sometime in the future, but who knows for sure?

 

[ishtat]

Bit of a variation on Mags with some other caps and punctuation changes . Not prescriptive ideas, but I thought most issues had been covered so would try for more musicality without being too concerned about rhyme. I have probably stuffed up the line breaks a tad, and am not certain with my ideas that you would be left with 14 lines. Could be titled an 'almost sonnet.'

I recognized the song of love; I knew
redundant
It from before, but I had never heard redundant
it sound so clear, so resonant. It stirred small i, two so's, more musical?
My ears, caressed my thoughts, and drew redundant?
My heart into its harmony anew. redundant?
I yearned to sing, a counter-subject. Yet next 7 lines I've fiddled with punctuation and caps
I hesitated, let us not forget
as passionate musicians sometimes do,
to everyone there is a part assigned
that binds us to a single melody,
a signature of key and time expressed
on paper. Yet, I sing, and now I find, [I]prefer sing to sang to match last line[/I]
in reaching for a love not meant to be,
My singing heart will never find its rest. this as an alternative to my perhaps?

 

[AlwaysHungry]

"Expressed on paper" makes me uncomfortable, somehow. It seems lacking in punch.

 

[legerdemer]

#1 You Asked (original and revision) - Remec

You Asked (revised)

Once, when younger,
I answered a question of yours
without thinking it through,

I tried to be honest, but only gave you
what I thought was enough to answer
the question--
"Yes, Theresa, I think you're right that
I'm attracted to you."
"What should we do now, Pat?"
"I think I'd like to ask you for a kiss."

If only we had let a kiss be the end of it.

I know I was clueless as to how I had been
acting towards you;
flirty? maybe
attentive? to be sure
But considering the size of our circle, I don't think
I would have acted without you opening
things up for me

But, once things were underway, you
slammed the door on me and
left me to flounder about, not knowing or
caring about the hurt you had done to
me,
yourself,
Carmine and the kids,
pretty much everyone we ran with

And, have the nerve to wonder why I
had answered you, so long ago,
just think,
Theresa,
you're smarter than that

Once upon a time, when we were not so old,
I told you what I thought I should,
about how much I wanted you, without
a thought of who might get hurt.

I told you what I thought I should
when you asked. Did you even have
a thought of who might get hurt
by what we were about to let happen?

When you asked, did you even have
a clue how much we would be defined
by what we were about to let happen?
Grasping so little what it really meant,

No clue how much we would be defined,
about how much I wanted you, without
grasping so little what it really meant.
once upon a time, when we were not so old.

 

[legerdemer]

#3 The Turning (original and revised) - Magnetron

The Turning of Mary Walker (revised)

The sunken belly revelation
now a mockery amok within the flock
Minister Ryan
condescending fuck!
reaching into his robe
retrieving his mighty righteous
condemnation

In the holiest hardcore sanctuary
salvation is afforded to rapists
Grit my teeth and clench my fists
Another's sinister actions
are my consequence

As people across our great nation
sing in praise of Jesus and rejoice
I remain choker chained
larynx strained without a voice
pained from my most difficult choice

Leper in houses of the holier than thou
I am stained
the blackened sheep of the family
who only mourn for one little lamb dead
silenced in my refusal to carry instead
released back into the wild

Being fucked over once again
because I spoiled your child
Don't you even dare
consider sparing me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn

I solemnly swear on the Bible
as I sit in this Witness chair standing trial
to only believe in myself from here on out
turn my back on all of you lousy shits
your god of rapists and hypocrites
while inside I rage and shout

A sunken belly revelation
Mockery within the flock
Minister Ryan reaching into his robe
retrieving his mighty righteous
condemnation

In the houses of the holy
salvation awaits even the lowly rapist
Grit my teeth
clench my fist
His sinister actions
my consequence

Let peoples across the nation
under steeples praise Jesus and rejoice
all the while I remain choker chained
larynx strained without a voice
pained from my most difficult choice

Leper in the houses of the holy
I am
now the blackened sheep of the family
who only mourn for one little silenced lamb
I refused to carry

Fucked over once again
Oh, how quickly temple tables turn
I spoiled your child
Don't spare me your rod
Ryan, this time make it really burn

Standing on trial here today
in this Witness chair
on the Bible I do solemnly swear to
turn my back on God

 

[AlwaysHungry]

You Asked (revised)

Whoosh -- I didn't recognize it at all. That's quite a revision.

 

[legerdemer]

#8 Untitled -> Serenata (original and revised) - AlwaysHungry

Serenata

A silver, lilting melody -- I knew
It from before, but never had I heard
It ring so clear and resonant. It stirred
My ears, caressed my thoughts, and drew
My heart into its harmony anew.
I yearned to sing in counterpoint, but yet
I hesitated; let us not forget,
(As heedless harmonizers sometimes do)
To everyone there is a part assigned
That binds us to a single melody,
A signature of key and time expressed
In symbols. Still, I sang. And now I find,
In reaching for a note not meant to be,
This singing heart will never find its rest

I recognized the song of love; I knew
It from before, but I had never heard
It sound so clear and resonant. It stirred
My ears, caressed my thoughts, and drew
My heart into its harmony anew.
I yearned to sing a counter-subject, yet
I hesitated; Let us not forget,
As passionate musicians sometimes do:
To everyone there is a part assigned,
That binds us to a single melody,
A signature of key and time expressed
On paper. Yet, I sang. And now I find,
In reaching for a love not meant to be,
My singing heart will never find its rest.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Mer, will you provide a list of authors as a guessing aid?

 

[Magnetron]

You Asked (revised)

Once, when younger,
I answered a question of yours
without thinking it through,

I tried to be honest, but only gave you
what I thought was enough to answer
the question--
"Yes, Theresa, I think you're right that
I'm attracted to you."
"What should we do now, Pat?"
"I think I'd like to ask you for a kiss."

If only we had let a kiss be the end of it.

I know I was clueless as to how I had been
acting towards you;
flirty? maybe
attentive? to be sure
But considering the size of our circle, I don't think
I would have acted without you opening
things up for me

But, once things were underway, you
slammed the door on me and
left me to flounder about, not knowing or
caring about the hurt you had done to
me,
yourself,
Carmine and the kids,
pretty much everyone we ran with

And, have the nerve to wonder why I
had answered you, so long ago,
just think,
Theresa,
you're smarter than that

It's definitely more ambitious than the original.

Now it could benefit from some poetitude. There's no wordplay going on, leaving it prosy.

 

[Magnetron]

Serenata

A silver, lilting melody -- I knew
It from before, but never had I heard
It ring so clear and resonant. It stirred
My ears, caressed my thoughts, and drew
My heart into its harmony anew.
I yearned to sing in counterpoint, but yet
I hesitated; let us not forget,
(As heedless harmonizers sometimes do)
To everyone there is a part assigned
That binds us to a single melody,
A signature of key and time expressed
In symbols. Still, I sang. And now I find,
In reaching for a note not meant to be,
This singing heart will never find its rest

I like the changes. Symbols is an improvement over paper. Same with note over love.

Redundancy in the beginning is cleared up.

My heart into its harmony anew.

its is not necessary as far as I can tell; removal doesn't affect the reading for me.

 

[Magnetron]

The Turning of Mary Walker (revised)

The sunken belly revelation
now a mockery amok within the flock
Minister Ryan
condescending fuck!
reaching into his robe
retrieving his mighty righteous
condemnation

In the holiest hardcore sanctuary
salvation is afforded to rapists
Grit my teeth and clench my fists
Another's sinister actions
are my consequence

As people across our great nation
sing in praise of Jesus and rejoice
I remain choker chained
larynx strained without a voice
pained from my most difficult choice

Leper in houses of the holier than thou
I am stained
the blackened sheep of the family
who only mourn for one little lamb dead
silenced in my refusal to carry instead
released back into the wild

Being fucked over once again
because I spoiled your child
Don't you even dare
consider sparing me your rod
Ryan, this time really make it burn

I solemnly swear on the Bible
as I sit in this Witness chair standing trial
to only believe in myself from here on out
turn my back on all of you lousy shits
your god of rapists and hypocrites
while inside I rage and shout

Line 4 would probably benefit from italics because it is a thought interrupting the observation occurring in Lines 3, 5, 6 & 7.

I still don't get how one can be noticeably pregnant and still get an abortion. Unless the pregnancy was determined life threatening.

Expanding the title gives it less of a horror movie stigma ( The Shining, The Ring, etc ) .....

..... only to replace it with a different horror movie stigma ( The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Exorcism of Anna Ecklund, The Exorcism of Molly Hartley, etc ).

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Now it could benefit from some poetitude. There's no wordplay going on, leaving it prosy.

Sadly, I must agree. It's as if someone said, "could you write a little essay in which you explain your poem," and the reply was the revised version.

Initially I thought that "wordplay" was the wrong word, since I associate it with punning, but upon reflection, what is a pun but a double meaning? And double meaning gets very close to the heart of poetry.

 

[legerdemer]

#7 The Persistence of Memory (original and revised) - greenmountaineer

The Persistence of Memory

Surrealism is not a movement. It is a latent state of mind perceivable through the powers of dream and nightmare.
― Salvador Dalí

María habla Español
I translate to English for Dr. Wu
who speaks into a dictaphone:
“Twitching and shrugging of pt.'s shoulders”

and as I start to speak some more,
two brown eyeballs fall to the floor
while Dr. Wu, in Mandarin thought,
isn't quite sure what he saw.

“Ay, mi Madre!” Tears flow like agua
drenching the carpet, “Por favor!"
pt. cries whose diagnosis
after a week in the suicide ward

was a midnight red-eye Delta flight
that brought pt. down at JFK
only to find Ramón had left
a letter without a forward address

I read by a photo of Mrs. Wu
on the desk that smiles as if she knew
life in the U.S. was better because
there are pencils in pen and pencil sets

as a mute Dr. Wu hands me a bottle
whose label I note any pt. can take
by mouth or insertion in the rectum
of two brown eyeballs that roll towards the door

La Persistencia di Memoria

María habla Español
I translate to English for Dr. Wu
who speaks into a dictaphone:
“Twitching and shrugging of Δ’s shoulders”

and as I start to speak some more,
two brown eyeballs fall to the floor
while Dr. Wu, in Mandarin thought,
isn't quite sure what he saw.

“Ay, mi Madre!” Tears flow like agua
drenching the carpet, “Por favor!"
Δ cries whose diagnosis
after a week in a lock-down ward

is a midnight red-eye Delta flight
that brought Δ down at dawn
to Newark to find only the letter
I read to a statue of Lao Tzu

as a mute Dr. Wu hands me a bottle
whose label I note any Δ can take
by mouth or insertion in the rectum
of two brown eyeballs that roll towards the door.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Arrggh --- "pt." is every bit as opaque as "Δ". And the same goes for the other changes made.

 

[HarryHill]

Arrggh --- "pt." is every bit as opaque as "Δ". And the same goes for the other changes made.

pt is short for patient

 

[AlwaysHungry]

pt is short for patient

Aha -- someone had mentioned that delta is also used in that context.

So at least the poem is consistent in its obscurity.