Double Blind 4 - Poems and Critiques Only

[Magnetron]

New whine in old bottles.

When it comes to picking up women in bars, you are The Barf Effect.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

When it comes to picking up women in bars, you are The Barf Effect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKmVgaqmRFQ

MY THEME SONG

My sentiments when I'm near LEGENDINHEROWNMIND

 

[greenmountaineer]

Remembering Our Bubble -- a rispetto

Perhaps it would be wrong for me to dare
To hope to feel that lightning strike again --
So bright and pure, so free from gnawing care;
Was this the vacuum nature must disdain?

I cherish the remembrance, heaven-swept,
How nothing touched my consciousness, except
Our hungry bodies aching for release;
A perfect sphere of passion, and of peace.

I didn't think this needed improvement, but the greater emphasis on the past with "I cherish the past" was a nice change and added to my imagination.

I'm guessing Always Hungry wrote this.

 

[Piscator]

Time and Motion Study

We have no need for clocks

while you, my lovely nude,

descend the staircase fluidly,


your eyes upon my passion rising
toward your slow motion hips.
It's as though you flow downhill
like a waterfall does in a rivulet
to soften bedrock into pebbles,
pebbles into sand

and suddenly I'm reminded
time is the mind's invention
while motion's all that matters.
Welcome to eternity, the joining
of woman and man.

I also think this is a terrific rewrite. Lovely poem!

No no no no no!!! Of course it isn't by Calli or Katie - it's written by a man. I'm going to guess again - Remec, perhaps? Or possibly Piscator.

I agree a good rewrite but way too elegant for me as I'm totally ignorant about art.

The order of sexes in the last line makes me less sure as to the gender of the author.

 

[Magnetron]

No no no no no!!! Of course it isn't by Calli or Katie - it's written by a man. I'm going to guess again - Remec, perhaps? Or possibly Piscator.

Now, now ..... don't be hasty.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Remembering Our Bubble -- a rispetto

Perhaps it would be wrong for me to dare
To hope to feel that lightning strike again --
So bright and pure, so free from gnawing care;
Was this the vacuum nature must disdain?

I cherish the remembrance, heaven-swept,
How nothing touched my consciousness, except
Our hungry bodies aching for release;
A perfect sphere of passion, and of peace.

Simple but effective changes. My guess for author is Calli.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Time and Motion Study

We have no need for clocks

while you, my lovely nude,​

descend the staircase fluidly,​

your eyes upon my passion rising
toward your slow motion hips.
It's as though you flow downhill
like a waterfall does in a rivulet
to soften bedrock into pebbles,
pebbles into sand

and suddenly I'm reminded
time is the mind's invention
while motion's all that matters.
Welcome to eternity, the joining
of woman and man.

I miss the insouciance of "Come to bed, eternity." You can't please everybody.

Wow, that's like two entirely different poems.

I agree with AH, whom I suspected of being the author, but the changed piece feels more like Tzara to me.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

The Barfly Effect

I couldn't spot any changes.

 

[Trixareforkids]

I couldn't spot any changes.

They were minor, the title changed an and was removed and I changed the dialect spellings.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Oops -- Trix, did you just out yourself?

 

[Trixareforkids]

Oops -- Trix, did you just out yourself?

Lol, I outed myself over a week ago

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Another Icarus?

I feel that centering made a huge difference in the presentation, reinforcing the plunging effect.

It makes the "soar" stand out at the end. It becomes a singularity, instead of just one indentation among many. I'm not entirely certain that I like "soar", though. It is somewhat predictable; I would prefer to be a little surprised.

I notice that we also lost the flaming orb. I could go either way on that one.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

A Tale of Little Tall Untold

It's longer now.



If it gets any longer I'm going to need a pee break.

I'm afraid I find this one a bit prosaic. The problem with re-telling a fantasy tale is that it seems like it doesn't leave much room for metaphor.

 

[greenmountaineer]

I'm afraid I find this one a bit prosaic. The problem with re-telling a fantasy tale is that it seems like it doesn't leave much room for metaphor.

"A Tale of Little Tall Untold," I think, would have been a good ballad, particularly with the tweaking the poet did to make the narrative better understood, at least by me.

Unfortunately, ballads apparently don't hold the interest of poets much anymore. I think that's too bad, and if there were more written, I believe more would read poetry, including other formats.

My guess is Piscator wrote this.

 

[Magnetron]

I'm afraid I find this one a bit prosaic. The problem with re-telling a fantasy tale is that it seems like it doesn't leave much room for metaphor.

Wouldn't the entire poem/story be a metaphor in itself regarding lesser evil syndrome?

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Wouldn't the entire poem/story be a metaphor in itself regarding lesser evil syndrome?

So in your reading of the poem, does the wizard represent Hillary, or Trump?

 

[Magnetron]

So in your reading of the poem, does the wizard represent Hillary, or Trump?

I think Bush/Cheney vs. Kerry/Edwards was/is a more appropriate example. That entire contest boiled down to who would do less damage to the country. K & E had no platform. They stood for nothing. Might as well have campaigned on the promise, We'll fuck up the U.S. less than our opponents.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Since I am for all intents and purposes outed, Trix notwithstanding, I'm going to go ahead and respond to some to the comments:

Going out on a shaky limb here .....

The narrator had a near death experience after being struck by lightning and caught a glimpse of the greater Universe that we can't experience with our limited biological sensory capabilities; what physicists refer to as Dark Matter all around us.

Well, I was trying to use physics metaphors, but simpler ones than those. I'm describing a liaison that was a once-in-a-lifetime affair, and using the popular (and false) notion that lightning never strikes twice in the same spot. Then I was making a rather tenuous analogy between the blissfully carefree way I felt, which could not last, and the notion that "nature abhors a vacuum."

"Was this the vacuum nature doesn't like?" sounds a bit flat compared to the language of the rest of the poem.

I suggest:

"Was this the vacuum nature can't abide?" I think that maintains the syllable count, and to me at least sounds better in context.

True -- that was a rather pedestrian rendering of horror vacui. "The vacuum nature must disdain" is, on the other hand, rather fussy, but I was committed to writing a rispetto, which means, you guessed it, both the meter and the rhyme are non-negotiable.

- In the first and second lines, the phrase "...to dare to hope to feel..." has too many to's. I understand the exigencies and tyrannies of syllable count, but it is an awkward construction, IMHO. Perhaps the author could work on an alternate?

I was being playful with all those "to"s. I decided to keep them, although they may be a failed experiment.

- but what does heaven-swept mean?? Again, that tyrannical bitch, Rhyme, requires 'swept' rather than the more usual 'sent' in order to rhyme with 'except' in the next line. It does, however, bring to mind heaven as a broom, diligently sweeping away dust and debris into the circular file... (there's my own mixed metaphor). At least to me.

My rationale is that if a coastline may be "windswept", a memory may be "heaven-swept." And mea culpa, I needed to rhyme with "except."

- In this phrase "I cherish every moment, heaven-swept,
Where nothing touched my consciousness" the tenses should match - presumably, changing cherish -> cherished would be the best option.

I was describing a memory, of something which happened in the past, but which I cherish in the present. That was vague in the original, so I put in "remembrance" to clarify.

When someone is smitten, it can feel like a bolt of lighting. The last two lines can also suggest climax and afterglow.

Yes, you definitely got the bolt of lightning. However, I wasn't trying for climax and afterglow at the end -- I was trying for a simultaneity of frenzied passion, and beatific serenity, because the passion eclipsed all the cares of the world.

 

[greenmountaineer]

I too like the centering of "Another Icarus" and agree with Magnetron it re-enforces the plunging effect.

Glad to see "flaming orb" was deleted. Unlike AH, I had a much more positive feeling about "soar!" in that it was so declarative and the Icarus myth is just the allusion. It's about the poet who will never give up.

I'm pretty sure Mer wrote this.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

I'm pretty sure Mer wrote this.

Me, too.

 

[legerdemer]

I agree with AH, whom I suspected of being the author, but the changed piece feels more like Tzara to me.

...I'm going to guess again - Remec, perhaps? Or possibly Piscator.

Trix could very well be right. Tzara has used modern art references previously in his poems. It's just that he hasn't participated in (m)any of the DB challenges, though he's been posting quite a bit more lately... so, perhaps.

I'm officially not picking 'cause it turns out I don't have a clue.

Despite Mags's suggestion having to do with the order of "woman and man" in the last line, I still think it is more likely to have been written by a man to a woman, partly because of:

"your eyes upon my passion rising
toward your slow motion hips."

And if you know nothing else about me, surely you know I have a dirty mind.

 

[legerdemer]

Remembering Our Bubble -- a rispetto

Perhaps it would be wrong for me to dare
To hope to feel that lightning strike again --
So bright and pure, so free from gnawing care;
Was this the vacuum nature must disdain?

I cherish the remembrance, heaven-swept,
How nothing touched my consciousness, except
Our hungry bodies aching for release;
A perfect sphere of passion, and of peace.

I like the changes you made, AH, even when you didn't heed my advice (those stuttering to's ). Or maybe it's a poke at someone who likes lists in their poems?

Seriously, I liked your change to "...nature must disdain," and "I cherish the remembrance..." works very nicely.

Lovely poem, methinks.

 

[legerdemer]

It's longer now.



If it gets any longer I'm going to need a pee break.

A Tale of Little Tall Untold

....

inspired by Stephen King's Storm Of The Century mini-series

Oh, lordy, but you do go on, Mags.

I'm with gm on this, I think it does have that ballad feel to it - in fact, I would love to hear it recited, I think it would lend the poem a lot of atmosphere.

 

[legerdemer]

I feel that centering made a huge difference in the presentation, reinforcing the plunging effect.

I too like the centering of "Another Icarus" and agree with Magnetron it re-enforces the plunging effect.

Glad to see "flaming orb" was deleted. Unlike AH, I had a much more positive feeling about "soar!" in that it was so declarative and the Icarus myth is just the allusion. It's about the poet who will never give up.

I'm pretty sure Mer wrote this.

Me, too.

I fess up to Another Icarus?. It is actually inspired by a writer who has posted in these threads before but who rarely writes poetry anymore.


Thanks for all your comments - Mags, gm, AH, and Todski - I thought about all of them, even if I didn't incorporate all. Except, I confess, one that Tods made - I'm happy to challenge and expand his vocabulary; he can surprise the hottie(s) that inspire(s) his poetry with some $2 word now and then.

Regarding "soar" - I tend to agree with you, AH, but I scratched myself quite a bit about that one, and even now, looking through RhymeZone's selection of synonyms, I really found nothing even close to it. So "soar" it is, for now.

 

[Magnetron]

Despite Mags's suggestion having to do with the order of "woman and man" in the last line, I still think it is more likely to have been written by a man to a woman, partly because of:

"your eyes upon my passion rising
toward your slow motion hips."

And if you know nothing else about me, surely you know I have a dirty mind.

I only say that because of those who can write for both teams. * cough *

And Katie J wrote one from the male perspective a little while back.