Fake Doms.. how to spot them and how to avoid them.

[cascadiabound]

Some super-valuable insights in this thread!

However, I don't think the term "fake dom" is all that helpful. I mean, the creeps that y'all are describing here are still dominant... they're just creepy/no-good/screwed-up about it.

To dismiss all Doms that are also assholes as "fake doms" opens the doors to "one right way"-thinking and "no true scotsman"-fallacies.

You make a good point about the "one right way" fallacy.
"Fake Dom" is undoubtedly a flawed term. If a person says they are a Dom, they are...I suppose.

Some people are assholes. Some people are toxic. Some people use the moniker of "Domliness" as a cloak to try to manipulate others to meet their sexual needs.

The main thing to keep in mind is that whatever stripe of BDSM you want to engage in, first and foremost you are having a relationship with a person. Sometimes people will have negotiated encounters to get their kink needs met outside of the context of an ongoing relationship, but that's not really what I'm talking about.

Any PYL that presumes they have rights and access to any pyl they come across is a big red flag.
Any PYL who is not interested in doing the work of going slow and getting to know *you* the person...Apart from your kinks and proclivities... Another red flag.
Any person that makes you feel bad.... Probably not a good match for *you*

 

[Gotham_Central]

Any PYL that presumes they have rights and access to any pyl they come across is a big red flag.
Any PYL who is not interested in doing the work of going slow and getting to know *you* the person...Apart from your kinks and proclivities... Another red flag.
Any person that makes you feel bad.... Probably not a good match for *you*

We have a winner!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I will agree that someone who says they're a Dom, might actually be a Dom, or might actually THINK they're a Dom but just because I know how to swim and saved one person from drowning once doesn't mean I'm a lifeguard...

 

[Farawyn]

I will agree that someone who says they're a Dom, might actually be a Dom, or might actually THINK they're a Dom but just because I know how to swim and saved one person from drowning once doesn't mean I'm a lifeguard...

What's in a name? A rose by any other... yadda yadda.

 

[MeekMe]

What qualifies someone as a "dom?" Is there a course with certificate? Ah~ maybe age? The idea that a 20 year old dude can't call himself master because he's not old enough? I declare all women over the age of 30 not real subs. They just aren't young and nubile enough to handle being trained properly. Old bitches are just too jaded to get it.



Discuss all you want, but by making judgements about whether someone counts as a REAL PYL/pyl you're just as bad as the manipulative assholes telling newbies they can only be TRUE subs if they do XYZ.

 

[Farawyn]

What qualifies someone as a "dom?" Is there a course with certificate? Ah~ maybe age? The idea that a 20 year old dude can't call himself master because he's not old enough? I declare all women over the age of 30 not real subs. They just aren't young and nubile enough to handle being trained properly. Old bitches are just too jaded to get it.



Discuss all you want, but by making judgements about whether someone counts as a REAL PYL/pyl you're just as bad as the manipulative assholes telling newbies they can only be TRUE subs if they do XYZ.

Not judgement. Discussion.
And no, we aren't as bad as that. We are not lying or manipulating someone's emotions.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

What's in a name? A rose by any other... yadda yadda.

True. But if you are using a title falsely just to convince someone to let you do something with them, then that's misleading and potentially dangerous. Would it be okay if I 'told' you I'm a doctor just so you would let me diagnose that rash around your nipples? (Not that YOU have a rash...but you get what I'm saying?)

There ARE 'fake' people out there. And it could lead to dangerous results if someone trusted that. If someone told you they were an expert in rope bondage and suspension but really they've only looked at it online...could be bad if you trusted that. I've done breath play a million times, it's safe cuz I know what I'm doing...send me a naked video of you masterbating because you're my sub and thats what will please me, all my other subs have done it and I've never posted them all over the internet...

Just saying...Fake people do exist, online or in real life...not everyone is who they say they are, or have the abilities they believe they do. It doesn't hurt to be cautious and if someone approaches you in the wrong way, real or not...you really aren't loosing anything by walking away...

 

[Farawyn]

True. But if you are using a title falsely just to convince someone to let you do something with them, then that's misleading and potentially dangerous. Would it be okay if I 'told' you I'm a doctor just so you would let me diagnose that rash around your nipples? (Not that YOU have a rash...but you get what I'm saying?)

There ARE 'fake' people out there. And it could lead to dangerous results if someone trusted that. If someone told you they were an expert in rope bondage and suspension but really they've only looked at it online...could be bad if you trusted that. I've done breath play a million times, it's safe cuz I know what I'm doing...send me a naked video of you masterbating because you're my sub and thats what will please me, all my other subs have done it and I've never posted them all over the internet...

Just saying...Fake people do exist, online or in real life...not everyone is who they say they are, or have the abilities they believe they do. It doesn't hurt to be cautious and if someone approaches you in the wrong way, real or not...you really aren't loosing anything by walking away...

I agree. I wasn't disagreeing.
Like KimGordon said, a dick is a dick.
Women, or subs, just have to not be as naive, because yes, the asshats are here. Everywhere.
It's a fine precarious line between being open hearted and being naive sometimes, as well as being cautious and jaded.

 

[Azuldrgon]

Fake dom......

I hate the thought of it. In this realm of life, too many people think they are what they're not and it leads to destruction of some sort. Some people think they are qualified for whatever only to disappoint or be disappointed.

My first "Dom" experience was with a play partner from Lit many years ago who is no longer on the board. She asked me to be her Dom when I had no experience at all about it. We experimented together over the course of a few months and I felt pretty good about it. The thing I neglected was that I stopped learning at a point and lost track of things. I never called myself a Dom properly and I won't either. It's a trait I can tap into, but not at a level that I consider myself proficient. That's my opinion.

There are folks who will say they are and perhaps not be proficient as well. The thing is a person desiring a dom needs to be aware not only of what they want, but what is going on. It's all about self protection. The dom gets their power from the sub. Only when the sub truly trusts someone can they allow the Dom to dom. But it isn't instantaneous and should not be so.

 

[SilverBass]

What qualifies someone as a "dom?" Is there a course with certificate? Ah~ maybe age? The idea that a 20 year old dude can't call himself master because he's not old enough? I declare all women over the age of 30 not real subs. They just aren't young and nubile enough to handle being trained properly. Old bitches are just too jaded to get it.



Discuss all you want, but by making judgements about whether someone counts as a REAL PYL/pyl you're just as bad as the manipulative assholes telling newbies they can only be TRUE subs if they do XYZ.

Well said!!

To me, as someone who considers himself a Gentle Dom, I consider a "fake Dom" to be someone who is easily manipulated by his sub, does not guide or take care of or lead his/her sub into whatever his fancy is. Of course he can do anything for his sub's benefit because the Dom wants a happy sub, but if tables are often turned and Dom isn't "Domming", but rather placing himself on the same level or being led in some way by his sub, then that is what I'd call a Fake Dom. It isn't who you are, but rather how you act.

 

[MeekMe]

Well said!!

To me, as someone who considers himself a Gentle Dom, I consider a "fake Dom" to be someone who is easily manipulated by his sub, does not guide or take care of or lead his/her sub into whatever his fancy is. Of course he can do anything for his sub's benefit because the Dom wants a happy sub, but if tables are often turned and Dom isn't "Domming", but rather placing himself on the same level or being led in some way by his sub, then that is what I'd call a Fake Dom. It isn't who you are, but rather how you act.

This reminds me of an amusing story someone posted elsewhere. There's this m/s couple, they've been together awhile and they agreed one had authority on decisions and the other didn't. They were out shopping and she wanted these nice almost $300.00 shoes and she wanted to purchase them with her own money. He said no. She went on and on about the shoes until he finally gave in. She thought, "I did it! I won!" She bought the shoes and they went home. When they got home he told her to take the box with the shoes and set it on the top shelf of the closet. She did, and then he told her to never wear the shoes. The shoes now sit, unworn in the closet. She can look at them, but she can never put them on and go out. She learned a hard lesson that day. She agreed to give him that control and she thought she'd just keep pushing until he gave in. Now she has a fantastic pair of shoes that she loves that she can never put on.

Well played.

 

[SilverBass]

Well played.

Awesome story! And certainly not a tale about a "Fake Dom".

 

[cascadiabound]

Fake dom......

I hate the thought of it. In this realm of life, too many people think they are what they're not and it leads to destruction of some sort. Some people think they are qualified for whatever only to disappoint or be disappointed.

My first "Dom" experience was with a play partner from Lit many years ago who is no longer on the board. She asked me to be her Dom when I had no experience at all about it. We experimented together over the course of a few months and I felt pretty good about it. The thing I neglected was that I stopped learning at a point and lost track of things. I never called myself a Dom properly and I won't either. It's a trait I can tap into, but not at a level that I consider myself proficient. That's my opinion.

There are folks who will say they are and perhaps not be proficient as well. The thing is a person desiring a dom needs to be aware not only of what they want, but what is going on. It's all about self protection. The dom gets their power from the sub. Only when the sub truly trusts someone can they allow the Dom to dom. But it isn't instantaneous and should not be so.

I think this is a good example of how when we use labels like "fake Dom" we all have different ideas in our heads about what that is or what that means.

For some... I would interpret based on their posts here that "fake Dom" is a person who uses the moniker as a way to manipulate others.

for others "fake" is anyone who is pretending to be something they are not - maybe they are pretending to be more available than they are, or younger or older than they are, richer or smarter than they are, or you name it...

for other... "fake" is someone who is not proficient at domming - pretending at this BDSM stuff cause it is just a way to get their sex jollies going or is just getting led around by the nose by a sub who is topping from the bottom.

Labels are little boxes that seem useful, but are often traps that make us complacent about having to explain what it is that we really mean.

For me... what I mean when I participate in the discussion on this thread, I am talking about people who are willing to be manipulative or untruthful or dishonest with themselves or others in order to achieve their own sexual gratification.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'm going simplify this.

A Fake Dom is an asshole who only thinks of him or herself and his or her needs.

The Fake Dom can be domineering​ and "dominant" but they are not "a" dominant..

The Fake Dom takes what he wants. The real Dom gives to his sub what she needs until she willingly gives back what the Dom wants.


It's really not all that complicated.., really...

 

[Farawyn]

I'm going simplify this.

A Fake Dom is an asshole who only thinks of him or herself and his or her needs.

The Fake Dom can be domineering​ and "dominant" but they are not "a" dominant..

The Fake Dom takes what he wants. The real Dom gives to his sub what she needs until she willingly gives back what the Dom wants.


It's really not all that complicated.., really...

I concur.

 

[FrozenBlaze]

Valuable insights
I've got a character in my head, and building him, and I can sense a presence with someone who is more Authoritarian. It's like a subtle feeling with the way they carry themselves, their poise, and their focus and tend to be attuned to whatever it is they are doing, without missing her needs. There seems to be a back and forth communication about what they're both feeling. I'm struggling with the safe word though, they're both in ecstasy and she doesn't want to use it because she knows he's fucking high

 

[HisArpy]

I'm going simplify this.

A Fake Dom is an asshole who only thinks of him or herself and his or her needs.

The Fake Dom can be domineering​ and "dominant" but they are not "a" dominant..

The Fake Dom takes what he wants. The real Dom gives to his sub what she needs until she willingly gives back what the Dom wants.


It's really not all that complicated.., really...

I think is probably isn't so simple. If it were, we wouldn't have threads like this one popping up all the time.

I do believe that what is "fake" to one, isn't necessarily so for another. The problem starts when you have "users" who pose as a particular aspect of any behavior in an effort to manipulate others for self gratification.

They are the "fakes".

After that, whatever "type" floats your boat is what you will probably believe is the standard for "real". It depends on many subtle factors including smell, mental image, body movement, speech, sound, etc. Which are attraction, as well as relationship, building blocks and without them meshing with your needs/desires, you wouldn't be interested anyway.

So, a "Real Dom" might be phrased better as "My Dom" because that's what fits what you need. What we may be trying to do is create a consensus of all the different "My Dom" personalities out there. Which may be impossible given how different we are as individuals and what we need because of those differences. The personal overlaps of "I like that" from one and "I can't stand that" from another may interfere with a clean picture.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I think is probably isn't so simple. If it were, we wouldn't have threads like this one popping up all the time.

I do believe that what is "fake" to one, isn't necessarily so for another. The problem starts when you have "users" who pose as a particular aspect of any behavior in an effort to manipulate others for self gratification.

They are the "fakes".

After that, whatever "type" floats your boat is what you will probably believe is the standard for "real". It depends on many subtle factors including smell, mental image, body movement, speech, sound, etc. Which are attraction, as well as relationship, building blocks and without them meshing with your needs/desires, you wouldn't be interested anyway.

So, a "Real Dom" might be phrased better as "My Dom" because that's what fits what you need. What we may be trying to do is create a consensus of all the different "My Dom" personalities out there. Which may be impossible given how different we are as individuals and what we need because of those differences. The personal overlaps of "I like that" from one and "I can't stand that" from another may interfere with a clean picture.

I agree with all this. Good view.

 

[Primalex]

Submissive people who discuss dominance have the problem that their view of dominance is limited by their perception of dominance as submissive. Submissive people perceive dominant people as a series of activities and so everything revolves around those activities.

A pregnant woman is not defined by her attendance at a childbirth class. And that pregnant women have a big belly is a statement that cannot be disputed but still might be very misleading when your goal is to spot pregnant women. And then people start to mix up completely different issues - you cannot deny the pregnancy of a woman just because she smokes.

Anyway, some threads you might want to peruse:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=69132399&postcount=68

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=58540603&postcount=91

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=41519056&postcount=52

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=34502853&postcount=143

 

[Betticus]

Excuse me, Miles...?
Does this apply to other groups, or soley Nickelback?
'Cause my PMs are blowing up with Daughtry and Justin Bieber fans.

Can I assume these are real Doms, since they have yet to mention Nickleback?

Taylor Swift For Lyfe!!!!!!!!

 

[Betticus]

Some super-valuable insights in this thread!

However, I don't think the term "fake dom" is all that helpful. I mean, the creeps that y'all are describing here are still dominant... they're just creepy/no-good/screwed-up about it.

To dismiss all Doms that are also assholes as "fake doms" opens the doors to "one right way"-thinking and "no true scotsman"-fallacies.




Agreed.

But leave Vin Diesel alone!

You are close but not quite on the same page... Some doms do come across as assholes and that is true... also a lot of younger doms have something to prove so they reach too far and try to be more than they are emotionally wise and experienced enough to be realistic.. some just try too hard.

When we talk about "fake" doms we mean more the type of person who finds this lifestyle and who gets an unrealistic expectation.. as if they are playing a role instead of living their own life and that they are just a dominant personality type.. older doms become comfortable in time with who they are and sometimes very real younger doms get a bit lost but they do come back and see who they really are and do not pretend to be anything else..

That is fine.. even old doms recognize a young dom finding him/her self and when we do we support them and share our experience.. at the same time though we have basically zero tolerance for "fake" doms as we see them. Fake doms tend to hurt people and "real" doms and "real" subs do not tolerate that kind of shit.

Doms are the most brutal, most evil, most unremorseful people in this world when it comes to other doms.. even when we respect each other we do not give an inch with each other. When we find a fake dom just step back and watch

 

[Betticus]

Valuable insights
I've got a character in my head, and building him, and I can sense a presence with someone who is more Authoritarian. It's like a subtle feeling with the way they carry themselves, their poise, and their focus and tend to be attuned to whatever it is they are doing, without missing her needs. There seems to be a back and forth communication about what they're both feeling. I'm struggling with the safe word though, they're both in ecstasy and she doesn't want to use it because she knows he's fucking high

A safeword is for emergency situations. It is for when you are into edge play without fully knowing your partner and there is a certain excitement in that. However.. a safeword if for the sub... as a Dom you should know where you are with your partner on some level and should know when you are pushing limits that you should not.

Sometimes it happens and the safeword can save you both but those situations ... I dunno.. sometimes one should set up play just to use the safeword in practice so the sub and dom both get used to it and know how to react...

I recommend backing off.. offering a hug and flowers and kisses and to give her space

 

[Betticus]

Wanting to train, guide, teach or build up a submissive partner to make them "better." It's an unpopular view, but this mentality reeks of predatory behavior to me, "fake" or not.

You have a point.. I also have a point where I realize I might not be here for her all of her life. I do love subs.. I <3 them all day and night but if something happens to me I want my sub to be strong enough to live and to be okay without me.

Is it so bad that I want my sub to be strong and independent? Without me?

On one side I see what you said as really fucked up and heartless. To be honest.. fuck you and fuck what you just said. One part of me sees you as a predator now...

Actually almost all of me says just go fuck yourself right now.. hard and fast and don't even throw you a napkin to wipe your ass off..

However.. you may be just pointing out a reality that should be considered so take none of this with offense. I do not know you.

 

[Currahee_Gent]

I’ve heard it said that all a safeword does is help the police find the body.

There is no governing body of BDSM.

There are plenty of local communities around. If a guy participates in one identifying as a Dom does that make him a real Dom? Who knows? He could still be a predator biding his time and earning trust because “Bob seems nice.” They’ve found dead subs in barrels from guys who seemed nice.

Every relationship is different. Some subs would throw up if the Dom was all about “her needs.”

You have inexperienced Doms. Which would include all Doms at some point.

And dangerous psychopaths who are intent on causing real harm.

Fake Doms? I don’t know. Some guys will use any means possible to seduce a woman, and once the deed is done, move on to the next flower? That seems like a universal defect.

 

[cookiecat]

You have a point.. I also have a point where I realize I might not be here for her all of her life. I do love subs.. I <3 them all day and night but if something happens to me I want my sub to be strong enough to live and to be okay without me.

Is it so bad that I want my sub to be strong and independent? Without me?

On one side I see what you said as really fucked up and heartless. To be honest.. fuck you and fuck what you just said. One part of me sees you as a predator now...

Actually almost all of me says just go fuck yourself right now.. hard and fast and don't even throw you a napkin to wipe your ass off..

However.. you may be just pointing out a reality that should be considered so take none of this with offense. I do not know you.

I was hoping this thread would just die and go away because of this comment. It is a valuable thread for sure with lots of different opinions. Perhaps it should be in the Talk section.

I don't like being controversial. I hate confrontation. I've stepped away from commenting in Talk because people don't play nice. Don't get me wrong - I love healthy discussion. Differing opinions. I really enjoy hearing other points of view and seeing things in a new way.

But what the fuck, dude? What the fucking fuck? You really just talked to someone like this?

You actually said:

Actually almost all of me says just go fuck yourself right now.. hard and fast and don't even throw you a napkin to wipe your ass off..

and in the next sentence said take no offence because you don't know her?

Words matter. You know this. You started a thread about tone of voice and words.

Your post broke my heart. It really sucked. No one should be talked to like this, ever. It's why people leave this forum. It's why people don't speak up.

State your point of view. You did that nicely to start. Why on earth would you go to that next place?

Fake doms.