Fake Doms.. how to spot them and how to avoid them.

[DeepGreenEyes]

Real Doms scrub their asses with apricot facial scrub in order to man up.

That goes in the "Badly exfoliated Doms... how to spot them" thread.

 

[Farawyn]

That goes in the "Badly exfoliated Doms... how to spot them" thread.

*subscribes to that*

 

[Azuldrgon]

Real Doms scrub their asses with apricot facial scrub in order to man up.

huh??

 

[Farawyn]

Trigger phrase right there.

Not that anyone should care.

Sorry, it was ironic. I said it specifically to tease DGE with an inside joke.

 

[Farawyn]

Yeah I know.

I'm silly. And still between anti-depressants.

Finally got my surgery follow up last week. Got the go ahead to look into anti-depressants again. Maybe we'll finally find something that doesn't make me hungry, grumpy, or deprive me of sleep.

Maybe others used that phrase too, but the only two people who I remember ever telling me to man up, were a Mistress who had decided it was over, and The Hag.

Don't worry about egg shells around me though; I'm a grown ass sluagh, I'll be fine.

*scratches you around your horny rack*

 

[Betticus]

I seem to have offended people due to one of my responses on this topic.

 

[Betticus]

Due to the offense that I have caused allow me a moment to respond...

I have a terminal medical illness and I will die from it. When I said that anyone sub or pal... in my life I wish to make her strong. so strong that she can easily survive my passing away.

What is wrong with wanting my own sub to be a whole, complete and strong person?

 

[Farawyn]

Due to the offense that I have caused allow me a moment to respond...

I have a terminal medical illness and I will die from it. When I said that anyone sub or pal... in my life I wish to make her strong. so strong that she can easily survive my passing away.

What is wrong with wanting my own sub to be a whole, complete and strong person?

Sorry about your illness.

That has nothing to do with the way you spoke to Meek.
Also, "I seemed to have caused offense..." is not an apology.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

Sorry about your illness.

That has nothing to do with the way you spoke to Meek.
Also, "I seemed to have caused offense..." is not an apology.

Exactly.

Also, ending a statement by invalidating everything stated with a qualifier, doesn't erase the vile things you said. It just makes you look like a coward.

Either you meant what you said and stand by it, or you didn't and should apologize for losing your shit because of personal reasons that have nothing to do with the person you took it out on.

 

[Betticus]

I can apologize for the way I took words but in real life I can not apologize for something I have already said.

My only option is if in real life I ever meet Meek I apologize to her/his face in person and offer to share a beer and some of my own life with.

Other than that I fucked up and can not take it back.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Due to the offense that I have caused allow me a moment to respond...

I have a terminal medical illness and I will die from it. When I said that anyone sub or pal... in my life I wish to make her strong. so strong that she can easily survive my passing away.

What is wrong with wanting my own sub to be a whole, complete and strong person?

To answer your question, there is nothing wrong with wanting your sub to be whole, complete, and strong...regardless of the situation.

There is also nothing wrong with someone having a different opinion. But actually, I think MeekMe was referring to some Dom approaching a submissive he doesn't know and offering to train, teach, guide/make her a 'better submissive'. Not exactly the same thing as a loving relationship where you want to help build her up to become strong, confident, and capable. At least that's how I saw it.

And you can't take it back? Sure you can. People make retractions all the time. It might not erase what you originally said, but you can replace it with an apology and a more appropriate comment. When a little kid gets mad because his dad took away his video games after a bad report card and he screams, "I hate you! I hope you get hit by a car and die." ...as soon as he calms down he says, "I'm sorry! I take it back! I didn't mean it!" I know that's a childish example, but...

 

[MeekMe]

You have a point.. I also have a point where I realize I might not be here for her all of her life. I do love subs.. I <3 them all day and night but if something happens to me I want my sub to be strong enough to live and to be okay without me.

Is it so bad that I want my sub to be strong and independent? Without me?

However.. you may be just pointing out a reality that should be considered so take none of this with offense. I do not know you.

I said my view was an unpopular one. I meant that. It's because the "weak" submissive and "strong" dominant is so ingrained in the image of d/s. I think d/s is an attractive relationship structure to people prone to codependency. Not that everyone involved in a d/s relationship is codependent, but that it often attracts that type. One partner struggling to get it together relies on someone else willing to structure them, and the one structuring them getting an ego boost because they're "helping" the one struggling.

Where I feel it becomes predatory is specifically looking for vulnerable people. Low self esteem, poor life management, lack of support system, these things make one vulnerable and easy to manipulate. Often times this is someone that is unlikely to say no or stand up for themselves. If your sub got along just fine before you, I think she'll be alright after. You can't "make" someone strong enough to handle your passing. You can get your affairs in order to make it easier.

I wish I'd weighed in on so many of these topics earlier, because they're of interest to me, and it's probable that the world badly needs my takes on all manner of issues of and about D/s.

But I sorta feel like I walked into an office mass-shooting scene, and to do so would be weird, like editing blood-stained memos for clarity and grammar.

Maybe I'll risk the shooting-scene inappropriateness, pick off a few small points and address them using ... bullets.

- Meek has taken down her lovely photo. Was it related to this late unpleasantness? I don't know. Please click on the link in this email and add your name to the petition to tell your member of Congress to have it restored.

Taking things down was a personal decision while I handled some things. This thread had nothing to do with it.

- I found Meek's point really intriguing, because I'm one of those "betterment and improvement Doms." I don't think of myself as predatory at all (hey, I'd fit rigggght in at Fox News). I wish she'd flesh this out more. I won't go into it because it seems superfluous, but maybe someday we can all discuss this in meadows of golden light while sipping a Sauvignon Blanc with citrus grapefruit notes and laughing in relaxed familiar tones.

I think you can want the best for someone, but I think it's odd to want to "improve" someone. How does that work? Do you mean improving their ability to serve you by learning a skill you like? Or are you saying you want to improve them as a person? As if they are incomplete or need to change themselves to be "better?" Why enter a relationship with someone you think needs to be "fixed?"

I think like this because I don't think you can fix people. That is a personal thing that needs to happen within the individual. I think if my husband ever set out to change me, improve me, or "make me better," I would have left him long ago with my self esteem in the toilet. I work on me. I'm not a project or something that needs to be "built up." Does he want the best for me? Does he support me while I work on myself? He damn sure does.

It's personal what constitutes the kind of d-type we think is good or bad, real or fake. This is my unpopular view.

To answer your question, there is nothing wrong with wanting your sub to be whole, complete, and strong...regardless of the situation.

There is also nothing wrong with someone having a different opinion. But actually, I think MeekMe was referring to some Dom approaching a submissive he doesn't know and offering to train, teach, guide/make her a 'better submissive'. Not exactly the same thing as a loving relationship where you want to help build her up to become strong, confident, and capable. At least that's how I saw it.

You were only partially right. I think a stranger approaching submissive women wanting to train them to be better subs is indeed predatory. See above for the rest.

----

This also ties into my post about assholes taking advantage of the gullible. That will always be a thing that happens regardless of power exchange being present or not.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Taking things down was a personal decision while I handled some things. This thread had nothing to do with it.

Your new one is great.

I think you can want the best for someone, but I think it's odd to want to "improve" someone. How does that work? Do you mean improving their ability to serve you by learning a skill you like? Or are you saying you want to improve them as a person? As if they are incomplete or need to change themselves to be "better?" Why enter a relationship with someone you think needs to be "fixed?"

I think like this because I don't think you can fix people. That is a personal thing that needs to happen within the individual. I think if my husband ever set out to change me, improve me, or "make me better," I would have left him long ago with my self esteem in the toilet. I work on me. I'm not a project or something that needs to be "built up." Does he want the best for me? Does he support me while I work on myself? He damn sure does.

It's personal what constitutes the kind of d-type we think is good or bad, real or fake. This is my unpopular view.

I now see to what you are referring. Thank you for telling me more.

I'm not interested in improving anyone in the way you're speaking about. What I am interested in goes like this: "Are there things in your life you'd like to work on and improve? And are there things I can do, as your D (in this case, DD), to support that within the context of our power exchange? As a dominant to whom you have given the degree of power we have agreed on, I may be in a unique position to help."

That may be what you're talking about or it might not. I'm a DD, so I'm particularly interested in helping and nurturing. But that's helping in areas that my little is telling me she is struggling.

I get the codependency points: I'm susceptible to White Knight Dom stuff, so I have to be aware of that, and I've been in situations bordering on that that weren't good for anyone.

You were only partially right. I think a stranger approaching submissive women wanting to train them to be better subs is indeed predatory. See above for the rest.

----

This also ties into my post about assholes taking advantage of the gullible. That will always be a thing that happens regardless of power exchange being present or not.

Red = Danger
Green = Stellar in the right context!

 

[KimGordon67]

I said my view was an unpopular one. I meant that. It's because the "weak" submissive and "strong" dominant is so ingrained in the image of d/s. I think d/s is an attractive relationship structure to people prone to codependency. Not that everyone involved in a d/s relationship is codependent, but that it often attracts that type. One partner struggling to get it together relies on someone else willing to structure them, and the one structuring them getting an ego boost because they're "helping" the one struggling.

Where I feel it becomes predatory is specifically looking for vulnerable people. Low self esteem, poor life management, lack of support system, these things make one vulnerable and easy to manipulate. Often times this is someone that is unlikely to say no or stand up for themselves. If your sub got along just fine before you, I think she'll be alright after. You can't "make" someone strong enough to handle your passing. You can get your affairs in order to make it easier.




Taking things down was a personal decision while I handled some things. This thread had nothing to do with it.



I think you can want the best for someone, but I think it's odd to want to "improve" someone. How does that work? Do you mean improving their ability to serve you by learning a skill you like? Or are you saying you want to improve them as a person? As if they are incomplete or need to change themselves to be "better?" Why enter a relationship with someone you think needs to be "fixed?"

I think like this because I don't think you can fix people. That is a personal thing that needs to happen within the individual. I think if my husband ever set out to change me, improve me, or "make me better," I would have left him long ago with my self esteem in the toilet. I work on me. I'm not a project or something that needs to be "built up." Does he want the best for me? Does he support me while I work on myself? He damn sure does.

It's personal what constitutes the kind of d-type we think is good or bad, real or fake. This is my unpopular view.



You were only partially right. I think a stranger approaching submissive women wanting to train them to be better subs is indeed predatory. See above for the rest.

----

This also ties into my post about assholes taking advantage of the gullible. That will always be a thing that happens regardless of power exchange being present or not.

I love everything about this. None of the relationships I've had (semi-d/s or otherwise) have involved anyone trying to 'improve' me. The best of them have inevitably resulted in me being a better person (kinder, more compassionate, stronger, etc).
I would say the relationship I have at present which has a significant sexual power/control element about it is quite ... well, I have to say 'healing', even though using the term makes me throw up in my mouth a little. We're both slightly damaged individuals, and the dynamic we have means we can have a relationship that's integrally founded on the trust that was missing for much of our respective lives.

 

[Touch_Me_Daddy]

Not earning your submission

 

[bluekitty69]

Fake Doms will fuck you over in multiple ways. Here are some things to look out for:

1. Fake Doms will be poor at negotiating scenes. For example, a Fake Dom might assume because you're a masochist who wants to be spanked that you also want to suffer by listening to Nickelback. Those things are not equivalent! No one should ever spring a major surprise that could reasonably be assumed to be traumatic - like scat, blood, or Nickelback - on a partner without discussing prior to a scene.

2. Fake Doms will not respect boundaries. For example, after establishing that you do not, in fact, ever want to listen to Nickelback they will still try to push the envelope by playing "Photograph" while you're tied up. Justifications like "hey, it had broad crossover appeal" or "at least I didn't play 'How You Remind Me' " are not valid excuses for disrespecting your clearly established boundaries. No means no, especially when it comes to Nickelback. There's no such thing as "kinda pregnant" and there's sure as hell no such thing as "a little bit of Nickelback is all right."

3. Fake Doms will try to gaslight you. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which an abusive partner targets words and actions towards their SO in order to get them to question their own interpretation of reality. For example, a Fake Dom will tell you he only got those Nickelback concert tickets because you made him think you wanted them. He was just trying to do something nice for you and you're sounding really ungrateful. Now you're looking back wondering what you said or did to give him that impression, plus you're beating yourself up for making him feel bad. That's a double whammy! Now he has the upper hand on you and controls your emotional well-being. Worst of all, now you have to go to a fucking Nickelback concert.

This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope readers will find it helpful.

Thanks for ruining Nickelback for me!

 

[KimGordon67]

Thanks for ruining Nickelback for me!

THAT'S what ruined Nickleback for you?

 

[Izadora]

Fake Doms will fuck you over in multiple ways. Here are some things to look out for:

1. Fake Doms will be poor at negotiating scenes. For example, a Fake Dom might assume because you're a masochist who wants to be spanked that you also want to suffer by listening to Nickelback. Those things are not equivalent! No one should ever spring a major surprise that could reasonably be assumed to be traumatic - like scat, blood, or Nickelback - on a partner without discussing prior to a scene.

2. Fake Doms will not respect boundaries. For example, after establishing that you do not, in fact, ever want to listen to Nickelback they will still try to push the envelope by playing "Photograph" while you're tied up. Justifications like "hey, it had broad crossover appeal" or "at least I didn't play 'How You Remind Me' " are not valid excuses for disrespecting your clearly established boundaries. No means no, especially when it comes to Nickelback. There's no such thing as "kinda pregnant" and there's sure as hell no such thing as "a little bit of Nickelback is all right."

3. Fake Doms will try to gaslight you. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which an abusive partner targets words and actions towards their SO in order to get them to question their own interpretation of reality. For example, a Fake Dom will tell you he only got those Nickelback concert tickets because you made him think you wanted them. He was just trying to do something nice for you and you're sounding really ungrateful. Now you're looking back wondering what you said or did to give him that impression, plus you're beating yourself up for making him feel bad. That's a double whammy! Now he has the upper hand on you and controls your emotional well-being. Worst of all, now you have to go to a fucking Nickelback concert.

This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope readers will find it helpful.

I will always associate Nickelback with Fake Doms. And heaven knows I've been to enough Nickelback concerts without ever really seeing Nickelback.