Fake Doms.. how to spot them and how to avoid them.

[Iamsubmissive]

I was hoping this thread would just die and go away because of this comment. It is a valuable thread for sure with lots of different opinions. Perhaps it should be in the Talk section.

I don't like being controversial. I hate confrontation. I've stepped away from commenting in Talk because people don't play nice. Don't get me wrong - I love healthy discussion. Differing opinions. I really enjoy hearing other points of view and seeing things in a new way.

But what the fuck, dude? What the fucking fuck? You really just talked to someone like this?

Words matter. You know this. You started a thread about tone of voice and words.

Your post broke my heart. It really sucked. No one should be talked to like this, ever. It's why people leave this forum. It's why people don't speak up.

State your point of view. You did that nicely to start. Why on earth would you go to that next place?

Fake doms.

I complete agree...and if I were the sensitive type or shy about posting, that post would definitely scare me away. Luckily, I just ignore when people say stupid shit! (Which is what I was doing until I saw this and decided it needed a second 'yay' on the 'insensitive bashing is unnecessary' vote.)

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

But what the fuck, dude? What the fucking fuck? You really just talked to someone like this?

Amen.

Big part of why I'm not around much anymore, tired of slogging through bullshit to find something decent. This being a prime example.

Meek stated an opinion, and a valid one. She didn't deserve to be talked to like that just because Captain Compensating lost his fuckin' car keys or pierced the toast or who gives a shit and needed to take it out on someone. I can be an antogonistic fuck, no doubt, but that was just being a crass, belligerent asshole " cuz ". Not the first time Bett came in and lost his shit in a thread for seemingly no reason. I hope most people that read that just chose to ignore it in favor of bigger and better posts of worth.

How to spot a Fake Dom? Puerile tantrums.

 

[cascadiabound]

I was hoping this thread would just die and go away because of this comment. It is a valuable thread for sure with lots of different opinions. Perhaps it should be in the Talk section.

I don't like being controversial. I hate confrontation. I've stepped away from commenting in Talk because people don't play nice. Don't get me wrong - I love healthy discussion. Differing opinions. I really enjoy hearing other points of view and seeing things in a new way.

But what the fuck, dude? What the fucking fuck? You really just talked to someone like this?

Words matter. You know this. You started a thread about tone of voice and words.

Your post broke my heart. It really sucked. No one should be talked to like this, ever. It's why people leave this forum. It's why people don't speak up.

State your point of view. You did that nicely to start. Why on earth would you go to that next place?

Fake doms.

I complete agree...and if I were the sensitive type or shy about posting, that post would definitely scare me away. Luckily, I just ignore when people say stupid shit! (Which is what I was doing until I saw this and decided it needed a second 'yay' on the 'insensitive bashing is unnecessary' vote.)

I am quoting both of these smart women, (bold added by me for emphasis) because I also was stupefied by Betticus' post. Meek Me is a sharp and cogent poster in these parts and even if she wasn't - NO ONE deserves to be treated on this board in this way.

I have no idea what Betticus thinks his post and flaming language contributed here by speaking in such a disrespectful and ugly manner but it reduced my respect for him significantly. (not that I would think that he would care about my respect as he doesn't know me either so I fully expect to be told that I can go fuck myself without the benefit of a napkin shortly.)

I am well aware that we all need to have a bit of a thick skin in on line forums - but WE NEED TO TRY TO BE BETTER THAN THIS.

 

[cookiecat]

'nuf said?

 

[cascadiabound]

^^^^^ love the napkin

 

[Farawyn]

Amen.

Big part of why I'm not around much anymore, tired of slogging through bullshit to find something decent. This being a prime example.

Meek stated an opinion, and a valid one. She didn't deserve to be talked to like that just because Captain Compensating lost his fuckin' car keys or pierced the toast or who gives a shit and needed to take it out on someone. I can be an antogonistic fuck, no doubt, but that was just being a crass, belligerent asshole " cuz ". Not the first time Bett came in and lost his shit in a thread for seemingly no reason. I hope most people that read that just chose to ignore it in favor of bigger and better posts of worth.

How to spot a Fake Dom? Puerile tantrums.

Get your God damned pinky down!

https://youtu.be/p85FTLv5_-M

 

[SalvDali]

I have been following this thread, I have had to ignore much of it that isn't in any way a positive contribution to the conversation....

What drew me to start becoming active in these forums was the diverse opinions here and that for the most part people could agree to disagree and not fall to cursing at each other and name calling. It is just unnecessary drama.. I have shunned members of my own family for treating people this way.

I just got home from a weekend trip and wanted to throw in my 2 cents... But what I am reading into here is more along the lines of what makes a GOOD Dom, vs a Bad Dom.

For me this is as simple as a promise I made myself when we recently started this journey. To always base my decisions on what is best for US and not just ME. To me that is the responsibility that comes with the power. Otherwise I am just an abusive dick who doesn't deserve her submission.

 

[strong_daddy]

To me that is the responsibility that comes with the power. Otherwise I am just an abusive dick who doesn't deserve her submission.

Reading this reminded me of something I saw a while back about 'responsibility'.

I feel that a Dom (to hell with whether they are being labeled fake, inexperienced, or otherwise unworthy) will take responsibility. Not just in the bedroom, but for the vanilla life stuff as much as the not sexy in any way bad stuff. If you can not trust them to handle the vanilla things, why hand over the good bits?

Anyway, here is the writing I was reminded of:

Responsibility

For many years I would say “it’s my job/role/function as a Dominant to do X,” until a dear friend set me straight recently: “The word you’re looking for is Responsibility.” It was one of those moments where so many things fell neatly into place by simply finding the right word. And what a powerful word it is, a word with iron in it, but sadly a word that does not receive nearly the attention it deserves in the D/s world. There is an entire generation of Dominants (and their Submissives) who do not understand the deep and serious implications of that simple word, “Responsibility.”
i think a lot of this can be attributed (not just on Tumblr, but in the D/s world at large) to the strong focus on the Submissive. In many respects, the D/s world shares the mindset so common in porn films: “It’s all about the girl.” The strong focus on the Submissive — her needs, her heart, her act of submission itself — is a good and right thing; new Submissives of all ages need the context and the information in order to make intelligent, informed decisions about their nature and activities. But the implicit (and all too often, explicit) assumption is that the Dominant somehow magically “just knows” what’s expected of him. The Dominant is self-sufficient, wise, Olympian, and unerring in his understanding of who and what he is, and how to treat his Submissive. Dominants are the archetypal lone wolf; indeed, “Wolf” as a synonym for “Dominant” was a word already sanctified by long use back when I first entered the life decades ago. Dominants do not need advice, they do not need guidance, they do not need to even think very much about how D/s works. A Dominant simply accepts the submission of his Submissive and that’s the end of it.

It’s all a lie.

Because the one thing that never gets talked about — Responsibility — is a deep, unconditional, and abiding thing, the thing that, more than anything else, is at the very heart of what it means to be a Dominant. A Dominant who doesn’t feel the truth of this deep in his bones is a very dangerous man who can do so much damage (emotional, psychological, and physical) to someone who offers him the gift of unconditional submission. Responsibility is the thing that is owed to the Submissive, the moderating and protective influence in the D/s power exchange. When a Submissive offers the gift of her submission to a Dominant, she is saying in effect: “I am putting myself, my body, my soul, and the burden of my freedom, into your hands. In return, I expect you to protect me, guide me, direct me, comfort me, protect me, and above all respect and cherish me.” This is the heart of Responsibility, and the “burden” the Dominant shoulders and carries; sometimes with enormous effort and strength of will, but always with a proper mindfulness that Responsibility is, in effect, his reason for existence.

Dominants can act irresponsibly in so many ways, most often without even being aware of it. This makes them dangerous ….

If you are only present for your Submissive when times are good, then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
If you are expecting a quid pro quo — if you expect anything from your Submissive except for her submission for all the work you put in stepping up to your Responsibility — then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

If you think it’s only about your sexual responsibilities — maintenance discipline and the like — then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

If you think that your responsibility only extends to the big, dramatic things — if you do not understand that being present for your Submissive after a rough day at the office is every bit as important as providing her with discipline and orgasms — then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
If Responsibility feels like a burden rather than the ultimate expression of your bone-deep need to protect and guide and cherish your Submissive, then you do do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.
Above all, if you think that being a Dominant is something you DO rather than something you ARE, then you do not understand your Responsibility and you are a danger to your lady.

But if you understand that Responsibility is at the core of your love for your Submissive, and that Responsibility permeates every aspect of your being together, then I can promise you this: you will feel a quiet joy and sense of loving satisfaction in being the “responsible adult” that is a feeling like no other.

 

[Farawyn]

I'm not gonna name names.
There was a poster here awhile back who had to change his name a few times. I think he's gone for now. Or until he comes back again as someone else.
He touted himself as a Dom, but it was obvious form the things he said that he knew nothing about women. At all. He fluctuated between pissed off pouty misogyny when women did not respond to his awkward and insensitive overtures to bland parroting of what he thought he should say.
He was a train wreck to watch.
I was no more than a nodding acquaintance with him. He fixated on one of my friends that was kind enough to try to give him some pointers, to the point of making her cringe when she saw him.

But the whole time he maintained he was a Dom. That he was, as the poster above me says, RESPONSIBLE for a woman who was submissive to him. He couldn't even be responsible for himself.

Fake Dom.

 

[Farawyn]

I also think that some men say they are Doms because they think it's what we want
We don't.
If you are dominant, be that. If you are not, be that.
It's being YOURSELF that is sexy.

 

[Miles Long]

I'm not gonna name names.
There was a poster here awhile back who had to change his name a few times. I think he's gone for now. Or until he comes back again as someone else.
He touted himself as a Dom, but it was obvious form the things he said that he knew nothing about women. At all. He fluctuated between pissed off pouty misogyny when women did not respond to his awkward and insensitive overtures to bland parroting of what he thought he should say.
He was a train wreck to watch.
I was no more than a nodding acquaintance with him. He fixated on one of my friends that was kind enough to try to give him some pointers, to the point of making her cringe when she saw him.

But the whole time he maintained he was a Dom. That he was, as the poster above me says, RESPONSIBLE for a woman who was submissive to him. He couldn't even be responsible for himself.

Fake Dom.

Come on, name names!

 

[strong_daddy]

Come on, name names!

X2...

 

[Farawyn]

Come on, name names!

Miles Lo...
But you told me not to tell!!!

I can't.
When he comes back I'll tug my ear and say "cuke."

 

[Miles Long]

Miles Lo...
But you told me not to tell!!!

I can't.
When he comes back I'll tug my ear and say "cuke."

Haha I know you aren't talking about me because I'm too lazy to create alts.

 

[Farawyn]

Haha I know you aren't talking about me because I'm too lazy to create alts.

Yes.
You'd have me do it in between hoeing the cukes.

 

[strong_daddy]

Yes.
You'd have me do it in between hoeing the cukes.

Wait, we are hoeing in here now?

I want to clear that I am not a sugar daddy, not even a Splenda daddy...

 

[Farawyn]

Wait, we are hoeing in here now?

I want to clear that I am not a sugar daddy, not even a Splenda daddy...

Can you buy us all sno cones when the ice cream man comes around, at least?

 

[strong_daddy]

Can you buy us all sno cones when the ice cream man comes around, at least?

Us all? How many of you are we talking here?



How big do you think my bed is? lmao

 

[Farawyn]

Us all? How many of you are we talking here?



How big do you think my bed is? lmao

The Cafe.
The other Doms buy us ice cream.

The REAL Doms, at least. *squints*

 

[yossi]

Anyway, here is the writing I was reminded of:

Responsibility
.

https://instructor144.tumblr.com/post/127146202756/responsibility

The link in case anyone would like to check out the blog. His D/s posts are thought provoking in general with the added benefit that he's pretty level headed and down to earth. I usually enjoy reading through what he has to say.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Because the one thing that never gets talked about — Responsibility — is a deep, unconditional, and abiding thing, the thing that, more than anything else, is at the very heart of what it means to be a Dominant.

But if you understand that Responsibility is at the core of your love for your Submissive, and that Responsibility permeates every aspect of your being together, then I can promise you this: you will feel a quiet joy and sense of loving satisfaction in being the “responsible adult” that is a feeling like no other.

I'm glad this was posted. I think "Responsibility" is a good key word. A Dom that understands, accepts, and embraces this changes things from 'a game we like to play' to 'a caring relationship'. Games can be fun and usually have rules, but real relationships come with certain 'responsibilities'. It matters, and makes a big difference, if the parties involved are trying to build a strong and trustworthy partnership.

 

[strong_daddy]

https://instructor144.tumblr.com/post/127146202756/responsibility

The link in case anyone would like to check out the blog. His D/s posts are thought provoking in general with the added benefit that he's pretty level headed and down to earth. I usually enjoy reading through what he has to say.

Thank you for posting the link. I found it on tumblr but someone I follow had copy and pasted it so I did not have the source.

 

[LucyBee01]

I'm glad this was posted. I think "Responsibility" is a good key word. A Dom that understands, accepts, and embraces this changes things from 'a game we like to play' to 'a caring relationship'. Games can be fun and usually have rules, but real relationships come with certain 'responsibilities'. It matters, and makes a big difference, if the parties involved are trying to build a strong and trustworthy partnership.

Agreed. I also have not seen anything before really about responsibility and domination, but this chimes so true from what I have seen of good Doms.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I wish I'd weighed in on so many of these topics earlier, because they're of interest to me, and it's probable that the world badly needs my takes on all manner of issues of and about D/s.

But I sorta feel like I walked into an office mass-shooting scene, and to do so would be weird, like editing blood-stained memos for clarity and grammar.

Maybe I'll risk the shooting-scene inappropriateness, pick off a few small points and address them using ... bullets.

- Meek has taken down her lovely photo. Was it related to this late unpleasantness? I don't know. Please click on the link in this email and add your name to the petition to tell your member of Congress to have it restored.

- I found Meek's point really intriguing, because I'm one of those "betterment and improvement Doms." I don't think of myself as predatory at all (hey, I'd fit rigggght in at Fox News). I wish she'd flesh this out more. I won't go into it because it seems superfluous, but maybe someday we can all discuss this in meadows of golden light while sipping a Sauvignon Blanc with citrus grapefruit notes and laughing in relaxed familiar tones.

- Miles, I don't know that Nickelback in the course of sub restraint equals fake or bad Dom. It could equal bad Dom, GREAT sadist.

- Thanks, strong_daddy (you are soooo close to a great DD/lg superhero name!) for the "responsibility" post. I've seen some of that guy's stuff on tumblr but not that.

- I am going to stop now.

 

[Farawyn]

Real Doms scrub their asses with apricot facial scrub in order to man up.