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[ladyphoenix]

6 pages of feedback

Wild,
Thanks, darlin, I'm just fine...just a lot of increased pressure at work keeping me on my toes.
Thanks for the feedback, it was a great help. And as for your last comment, I think too often when people think of bdsm, they think of whips and chains and melting candle wax, and that's not what it's really about...it's about relationship, and a Dom and sub can be very loving and vital and strong, their roles complimentary and beautiful. That's what I was trying to convey.

 

[wildsweetone]

well dear, your story opened my eyes. i too thought that Dom/sub predominantly about pain. i'm learning differently, thank you

welcome back to the land of make-believe where wishes are dreams and dreams can come true

 

[Guest]

satyr's "Attended To"

Satyr,
I don't know how long it's been since you requested feedback, please forgive me if it's been a while. To show you how very sorry I am to keep you waiting, here's feedback on both stories. First, "Attended To":

Your first few lines are lovely. Clean, brief and interesting, they draw me in rather than boring and usual and pushing me away.

para. 2 should read "Beside her, Brad lay snoring in oblivion"
You keep referring to "sheets" as plural, then using "it"; Use 'they' for plurals (ie, "when she lay on her back the sheets clung to her bum and inched its way..."' should be "when she lay on her back the sheets clung to her bum and inched THEIR way..." or better yet, make it active voice: "when she was laying on her back, the sheets clung to her bum, inching their way..."

Indolent means lazy....not sure if I would use that term for a tv.

"Brad had been getting ready for bed and the next day while she, eyes hypnotized, oblivious to the dull sickly blue glow that filled the room, had watched anything that was on; the news, sports highlights, infomercials." VERY long and confusing sentence. Try:
"Earlier, Brad had been getting ready for bed while she watched TV. Oblivious to the dull, sickly blue glow the television was oozing, whe watched news, then sports highlights, commercials, and even infomercials."

I would recommend (as I always do) good editing BEFORE publication. You have a lot of places where your nouns and verb tenses don't agree, you use passive instead of active voice, and you can just use a lot of polishing.

Para. 5 "With her back to us.." With her back to US?
Her breasts "gloriously jutted out to the sides..." Umm...I think I know what you meant here, but it is worded as if her breasts are an abberation rather than an enticement.

Immediately upon entering the 'dream' sequence, you had me enrapt. Your language flowed much more smoothly. Still a need for some polishing here, but everything was working much more sweetly. Your descriptions were lovely, your pacing very well done indeed.

In short, I gave you a four in vote, certainly you would have rated a five with a smoother intro but you are an exceptional writer, and a little work will make you shine even more brightly.

I'll work on your second story tomorrow....my bed is calling and work comes early!

 

[ladyphoenix]

UNREGISTERED???

This morning, the silly system kept making me register and re-register in order to respond to pms....it made me want to scream. Anyone have this problem but me???? I WAS REGISTERED and I know I was because it said "ladyphoenix" under the "username" box on the reply page when I was filling out my critique. Geez.

 

[NoJo]

LadyP, when you say "pms", can you just clarify..

 

[NoJo]

Seriously

Literotica remembers whether you're registered using "cookies".
They're small files that get written on your PC. Because this MIGHT be considered a security risk, browsers like Internet Explorer and Netscape will allow you to turn this off.

Mail or PM me telling me what kind of browser you have and I can let you know how to change the settings if that's what's causing it.

 

[the__satyr]

First of all: thanks for reading the story and the thorough feedback. Your techical points are bang on, and yes, it's best to have someone edit your stuff before you post, but I don't have anyone yet that I can show it to first (hafta work on that one). I'm glad you enjoyed it once you got into the meat of the story and I hope you also enjoy my others too.

On the technical side, I've noticed that whenever I access the forum through hotmail (clicking on a link indicating that I've recived a response) I am "unregistered." Probably due to the cookies discussed above that hotmail cannot use or access.

Thanks again, and I will be checking out your stuff (the least I could do) in the next day or so.

the__satyr

 

[ladyphoenix]

thanks, satyr

Thanks, darlin, I hope you like the stories, feel free to put some feedback here on them if you like. I swear I'll get to the other story....it's been a hell of a week.

 

[Guest]

satyr's "Bewitched"

Satyr,
I'm already on paragraph nine and the only two things I have to say are 1)wow
and 2)end of para. 8 "she dared not to scratch" should either be "that she dared not scratch" OR "she dared not scratch". (You didn't think I was letting you get away with just a wow, did you? )

The first paragraph was as fluidly written as its contents; very interest-catching; very clean and it sucks the reader in.

A bit later..."tool and dye company". Isn't it "tool and die" as in die-cast?

"Max made several comments, but Tom did not hear them". If Tom did not hear them, then how can we see in his point of view that Max was making comments? Better to say, "Tom heard Max making some kind of sounds but would have been at a loss to say whether they were comments or curses"

"He was a very happily married man. He was--. So why am I going through with it?" You go from third person to first here, and it's jarring. Better to say, "He was a very happily married man. He was content with his wife. So why was he going through with it?"

"non-challant" is nonchalant.

"I've never done this before and I don't even know her name". First, you should usually put inner thoughts in single quotation marks to set them apart. And second, this is better left out. We KNOW all this already.

Sandra refers to this woman as a "twin" and "her opposite". Do they look alike?? If so, you need to bring that up earlier.

"...while their nipples...sought each other out..." A pet peeve, but body parts do not have minds, and therefore no intent, and thus, cannot seek other things out. I do LOVE the way you go on in the paragraph describing 'them' as "Two pairs of lovers clumsily kissing in the dark". Here you are comparing them to, not giving them the human qualities of. Subtle difference, but important, I think.

Okay, I'm done reading. The pace increased and problems (small stuff--grammar, etc.--)reduced as you get into the show. I liked the whole idea, the wives being a part of this 'show'; their husbands in the audience.
The only complaint I have is why didn't you tell us who the redhead was? And why was she doing this? How did she pick her wives for the show? I would have liked to know.

Overall, for me not a blood boiler, but a very nice story. Could use editing (I know, I know, I sound like a broken record).

Keep writing. I look forward to more pieces in the future.

 

[ladyphoenix]

MY COOKIES WERE ON!

Except for the oreos, which I ate.

 

[Wet_dream_maker]

I am kind of new to this website I would appreciate some feedback on the three stories I submitted. Please look for them
and let me know what you think

 

[damppanties]

Hi

Didn't want to barge into this thread without doing something useful. here are the links to Wet_dream_maker's stories:

1>Christine's Visit to the Anal Clinic
Category: Anal
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53559

2>Christmas Party With Boss's Wife
Category:Anal
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53564

3>My Wife's Birthday Fantasy
Category: Group Sex
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53561

Now my real reason for posting. LadyPhoenix, I mailed you a couple of times and also sent you 2 pms (NOT to be confused with PMS... lol). I didn't get any reply. I am not sure if you got them. If you did get them, please do tell me if you're too busy to reply. If you didn't get them, it was in relation to a new story I wanted you to edit. Please let me know if its convenient. Thanks.

-DP.

 

[Guest]

Sorry DP,

I did not receive your replies. I always reply as soon as I see something. Thanks for creating links to my stories. What do you think of them

Hope to hear from you

WDM

 

[curious2c]

ladyphoenix

I would appreciate any feedback on my latest submission to lit. I have tried something different (for me) and I am not sure as to how it worked.
It seems that it hasn't been read that much, nor has there been many votes. However, the voting has been holding at 4.60 or thereabouts. I wonder if I should have done something different in the form, or layout of the whole thing. Anyway, any comment will be appreciated.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=54129

 

[damppanties]

Re: Hi

Now my real reason for posting. LadyPhoenix, I mailed you a couple of times and also sent you 2 pms (NOT to be confused with PMS... lol). I didn't get any reply. I am not sure if you got them. If you did get them, please do tell me if you're too busy to reply. If you didn't get them, it was in relation to a new story I wanted you to edit. Please let me know if its convenient. Thanks.

-DP.

Clarification: This is meant for LadyPhoenix

-DP.

 

[Kellysed]

I'll take you up on it...

Lady,

I'd love some feedback. I'm getting good "grades" from Lit readers, but each story has gotten fewer points, so I'm wondering what I need to work on.

I've made my living writing for years, but not erotica. My concern is that I may have jumped in TOO hard--having read some of the more literary stories on this site (the style to which I aspire), I think I may need more storytelling and less detail.

Please let me know what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52085

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52608

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53223

 

[Krypto28]

Yet another in search of your wisdom...

Hiya Phoenix...

I've been reading your critiques and have definitely been impressed. I actually just got my bachelor's in English/Secondary Education (as I noticed you have) and hope that my budding skills in the field will match yours.

Fiction has never been my strong point, but I do take occasional breaks from reading and my autobiographical musings when I'm "in the mood."

I've recently submitted the first two parts in a who-knows-how-long series. Was wondering if you'd put it under your microscope and humble me. *L*

Thanks much!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=54388

--Krypto

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." -- a wise old fruitcake named Aristotle

 

[ladyphoenix]

wet dream maker's "My Wife's Birthday Fantasy"

Darlin,
I hope you'll forgive me for this sort of brief critique, but time is a rare commodity these days.

I think you have the potential to be a wonderful story-teller, but you need some basics. A good editor is essential, I think, and would serve you well with some points, such as subject/verb agreement and those pesky minor-but-distracting-overall grammar glitches.

However, I had two major problems with the story. First, you don't have any dialogue! I looked through the whole text, and want to know where the quotation marks are. Everything is told from the husband's point of view, and it's not as exciting that way. In addition, it lacks the relationships/interaction qualities that a good story should have.

Second, because you're telling it from his point of view, he says things like, "Karen screamed as the pain turned into an almost delicious sensation". How does he know what sensations she's feeling? He's not in her head.

So, overall a 3 for me. Some interesting potential, but needs work. Keep writing!

 

[ladyphoenix]

To the lovely DP with my apologies

Darlin DP,
forgive me, for whatever technological or personal glitches have kept me from your needs. I sincerely would be happy to edit for you. Emailing me at ladyphoenix@literotica.org is much easier for me, if you would be so kind. Life is busy, busy, busy right now, but I shall always have time for friends.

 

[Guest]

curious2c's "Lost Souls and Dreamers Beach"

Okay, you asked for it.

The first paragraph of your story is more documentary than story. It gives details without color or interest. If Becky is "a very stern and business-like (sic) woman" why is she daydreaming at the window instead of helping her colleagues set up? You tell us that she is too driven; doesn't have time for lovemaking on the beach (that reference is a bit too heavy handed here; why would you mention her being too busy for lovemaking, unless it was a foreshadowing of things to come? Why can't she just be too busy for volleyball, or dinner on the terrace?). She is a perfectionist. A workaholic. Then you have her traipsing off to the beach without helping her co-workers; already you've set up an inconsistency. Give us a REASON for her odd behavior, if it is odd.

The cliche of the mannish, tight bun hairdo and the 'macho woman' facade might be fine, until you go on to add that she doesn't like men. Dear, this is WAY too heavy handed. She's a lesbian, right? the reader is thinking. You've just perpetuated a stereotype. Later she even says "Only a man would get everything wrong in the first paragraph". Hmm. Better be careful where we throw our stones. And then, of course, she takes the paper off to do a better job at it than a man. More stereotype; I already dislike your character for that alone.

Look, if you want to write a lesbian story, great. Make it wonderful and hot and erotic...but why does it have to BASH men in order to be a lesbian story??

Your dialogue is a bit unpolished. Do you ever hear anybody say things like, "Stupid people! Leaving garbage laying around to be an unsightly mess and get in people's way!"? Then you say she "softly spoke those words, not realizing that she spoke aloud". If she doesn't know she spoke aloud, then how can you include it in a line which includes her Point of view?


The scene in which she masturbates would be much nicer if you didn't detach her from her sexuality. You have her hand moving as if it has a mind of its own, not as if it is doing the will of her brain. It's almost as if she and her sexuality are separate entities.

There are a long list of problems with grammar. Sentence structure, subject/verb agreement, improper use of commas, etc...I can't point to each of them, but here are a few examples:

"By the time she had finished her story, her fingers had found [again, on their own, apparently] her wet slit and drumming [should be "were drumming"] in tandem with the story she orgasmed in one very strong and long lasting [long-lasting] shudder" The first part of this sentence talks about "by the time she had finished", then the second part goes back and refers to her finishing the story. It's awkward.


Again, "Why had she done that she wondered. She hadn't..." Should be "Why had she done that? she wondered. She hadn't...


Everything is "she walked" "she went" "she was" "she orgasmed" until now. You need some variety. More active voice and less passive, which drags the tempo.


In the next few paragraphs, you are using "Joan" and "Becky" constantly. Paragraph two of their converstation, 5 times. Next paragraph (one line) once, next paragraph (two lines) three times, next one three times. Use some other form of pronoun, please, to give some variety.


You lost me at this line: "Are you trying to say something to me, Joan? I think that you may have more to say to me but you are not sure how I will react, so, for right now we are just going to pretend that we are two women whom (sic) are just meeting, not two coworkers (sic) on a business trip. Tell me whatever it is on your mind, I'll not say or do anything, honest".

This is stiff, unreal and very Barbie-dollish.

Then, a bit further down, "Romantically? I mean, would you be interested in a physical relationship Becky? Oh God, I have gone and done it now!"

Yes, you have. I am finished reading. With all due respects to you, for you clearly worked hard on this and believe in it, and all endeavors to create should be respected for their attempts, your story lacks a great deal. You create two very cliched, man-hating lesbians who try to dress more like men than women. They equate "romantic" relationships with sex. (A very modern idea, perhaps, but still not very mature). And then you have them suddenly, for no apparently reason other than that they are at some mysterious beach, blurt out in the middle of a conference that they want to have sex. You perpetuate the stereotype of the macho female trying to be better than men, who are still not able to conduct themselves with maturity and the strength you want to imply that they have initially.

You may want to rethink this whole thing.

Best to you, in whatever you wish.

 

[ladyphoenix]

The above critique

Yes, it's mine. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE explain to me why the BB unregisters me while I am typing a long reply??? Yes, my cookies are ON and my firewall is disabled. ANY HELP PLEASE???

 

[ladyphoenix]

Regarding anything written by Kellysed

I read the first line and sighed with satisfaction only a writer knows when reading good work.


I am envious of this talent. What else can be said?

 

[ladyphoenix]

Krypto28's "Cruise Conundrum"

Hiya K!

As I've said before, nice to have a fan. A lady can always use a fan when she's hot....and, well, if you want to know if I am, you can always read my stories instead of my reviews (okay, shameless plug!)

Now, on to your story.....

Finally, someone ELSE who uses elipses like water. Thanks, darlin, for the support. But honestly, rethink the use of them so often (I can't believe I said that!!!!!)

THANK YOU for a REAL female character, finally. No gorgeous blonde nympho, folks, we have a REAL pear shaped female with smaller-than-playboy-quality breasts and some insecurities. I knew they were out there somewhere.

I loved the story, point blank. Real characters, very good dialogue that actually read like someone speaking; good pace and varied structure to keep the interest. And dear HEAVENS you actually use active voice a lot of the time. Hallelujah.


Just one real complaint, darlin...NO woman on earth refuses to weigh herself when she's dieting. Sorry, but you lost me on that one.

Overall a 4. Good pace, good characters and some nice hot (but not enough!) pool sex. Keep writing!

 

[curious2c]

Thank you for your honesty

I see some of your points. I did have a hard time with this story. If I offended you, I apologize. Thankfully, I do not live in a glass house, or my 'stones' would have destroyed me. Perhaps I can do better in the future. I was not sure about the first part anyway. Your insightful comments are probably right on and well deserved.
I hope that in a future story I will do much better.
As for the bun and macho woman facade; I have seen several women in my life time that were defintely not lesbians, who dressed just like I described. I was not trying to intimate that she was a lesbian until later.
As to the 'daydreaming'; my hope here was to convey that she was getting too overworked and needed a break from the tension of the day/week/etc. I gues I under-described in that respect.
Your comments on the comma's is taken and I am working on that.
I truly wish you had finished the whole story though. (If you didn't) There is a shift in the whole storyline after the first section on Joan and Becky, and I believe it does get a little better, although maybe not. My writing style is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am trying to push my boundaries. Obviously, in your case, I have gone beyond my limited capabilities. I am still fairly new to writing, so I hope to improve with each story.

Over all my intent was to not 'create two man-hating lesbians', but more to show that personalities like that do exist. It was also more on the beach and the paper, if you read the whole story you will understand more where I was coming from. Don't read it though, if you are grieviously against it now.
Still, overall, I thank you because you have shown me a quite a few problems in my writing on this story, and that Is what I wanted, honesty.

 

[damppanties]

Re: To the lovely DP with my apologies

Darlin DP,
forgive me, for whatever technological or personal glitches have kept me from your needs. I sincerely would be happy to edit for you. Emailing me at ladyphoenix@literotica.org is much easier for me, if you would be so kind. Life is busy, busy, busy right now, but I shall always have time for friends.

Aaahhhhh!!! You really did make my day LadyP. Thanks so much. I am so glad I'm regarded as a friend. I'll mail you soon with my story. *hug*

-DP.