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To Curious, from the LadyP

Dear Curious,
Re-reading my critique makes me sound like the wicked witch. Honestly, I don't mean to be. I guess none of us can help when our own personal lives get in the way (ie, when we are rushed and pressured from all sides it is too easy to let ourselves be more harsh than we ought).
I am not 'against' the story per se, but let's face it, you have a LOT of competition here, and if you want people to not only read but ENJOY your writing, it must be careful and more thought out. I just wasn't thrilled about reading beyond what I did, not because I was against the story, but because you didn't make me WANT to keep reading.
Anyway, you are more a lady in the way you responded to my critique; you show poise and more class than I did, in being rather rough. I hope you will keep working. And I'll give the next one a shot, too, if you come back here again. :rose:
 
I'd love your review.......

As an FYI....I did well with Mrs. Steel. I was nervous about writing a sequel as they tend to not do nearly as well as the original.

Anyway......if you haven't read Mrs. Steel, then obviously you will need to do so to tell me if you think Mrs. Steel - The return accomplished what I hoped it would.

I appreciate your candor and comments.

Here's my stories & poetry link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=39666

I remain......
 
The great Sandman's request

Dear Sandman,
Yes, darlin, I know how well you "did" and do with Mrs. Steele....I believe you are one of those people who knocked my "Aaron's Lolita" out of spot #1 on the Mature list.
But I SWEAR I won't hold that against you when I read the story. ;)
Honestly, I'm honored you've asked and I'm happy to respond. I'll be reading like mad today, and have the massacre....oops..um..I mean...critique...******* tonight.
:rolleyes:
 
LOL.........

Sweetheart.......I wouldn't be calling Thesandman <great>. Trust me...there are enough "others" out there that don't think that at all.

Just call me Sandy........<wink>

One of the very reasons I took an interest in having you review this...was because of your posts. You are very talented, and I respect your judgement, character....and love your writing style.

<Sorry if you got knocked a few notches>........just wait, as soon as the 1 assassin's are done....so will I be! lol......

In the meantime.......I'll look forward to reading your review.

Oh......and just in case you're interested. My newest posted today. Short and sweet (for me anyway)

The link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=55471

I remain........
 
Thesandman's "Paid in Full"

Such a modest man...I like that . Well, you asked for it.....

PAID IN FULL

First, I would start with a more active voice in paragraph 1:

Chris finished washing his hands in the sink and glanced up one more time at the clock hanging on the wall of the shabby front office where he worked.

might be.... “Washing his hands, Chris glanced up one more time at the clock...” You don’t really need “in the sink”, as we assume he isn’t washing them at his desk.

Para. 2: Single quotes for silent thoughts, double quotes for actually speech.


Para. 3: “...Evan, who was his boss as well as his friend,....” High school doesn’t need capitalization since you aren’t referring to any one high school in particular. I would replace “during the afternoons” with “in the afternoons”. A little less formal.

Para. 4: I hope that Chris likes more than just one thing about his job. Maybe better to start with: “One of the things Chris loved about his job was that he was able to work at restoring the 1951 Ford flathead that had belonged to his grandfather” (Again, you don’t need to tell us that this was “years and years ago”. Since it was his grandfather, we already assume that.) At the end of the paragraph, it might read more smoothly as “Evan paid him enough so that he and his wife, Julie, could make ends meet, but it was really the chance to work so intensively on the Ford that kept Chris working for him.”

Para. 5: “Evan’s Used Parts” all caps, because it’s the title of a business.

Para. 8: Evon....was out of town visiting...” You don’t need to say “currently” because the reader knows you mean she’s doing it now when you say it.
“ok” in text really should be written out as ‘okay’.
“Julie liked Evan.....and though she didn’t mind....she thought that if he could......” You are telling this from Chris’ point of view, so it would read more correctly as, “Julie liked Evan....and even though she said she didn’t mind.....she also said that if he could....”.
I would eliminate “no matter how good Chris’ (not Chris’s) relationship was with him”. If he tried something with Chris’ wife, we know he’d be doing it in spite of his relationship with Chris.

Para. 10: “Oh fuck!” Chris said... ‘said’ should be replaced with something like ‘snapped’ or ‘shouted’. You used an exclamation mark, so use your words, too, to give emphasis. This should be split into two paragraphs like so:
“Oh, fuck!” Chris snapped . “How bad is it?
Julie started crying. “I can drive it, but just barely. Whoever backed into me....without any insurance.”
There are two points of view here and they should be separated.

Para. 11: Omit the word “now” at the end of the sentence. If you say, “...listening to his wife crying even harder” we know it’s happening now. You don’t need to separate this from the next two paragraphs. It can read like this:
“Fuck!” Chris muttered again, listening to his wife crying even harder. He had been taking the bus for several months, ever since they’d sold their second car to pay off a few ever-increasing debts. “So, do you want me to cancel dinner?”

Para. 14: I would eliminate this paragraph. It’s awkward, because you suddenly interject Julie’s point of view, which is hard to do, since she’s on the other end of the phone and not with him.

Para. 15: “No. I was hoping maybe you could ask him at dinner if he could float us a loan....if we have to, get that old car you’re working on running.”

Para. 16: “Julie, we‘re already...” eliminate the elipses. Okay, here again, I have to ask the question. WHY is Chris working for this guy, Evan?? He isn’t making squat, and while I can understand the attraction of rebuilding the Ford, a man’s family comes first. He’s been working for this guy for five years. Surely the Ford wouldn’t take that long to fix up, and therefore, WHY does he stay? (aside from the fact that it’s convenient for the story?)

Para. 17: “Chris, you know...” eliminate the elipses. “That, and as an excuse to be with his girlfriends!”

Para. 18: You don’t need to tell us this. If she knows, then we know Chris told her.

Para. 19: “Well, maybe he will at least let me take whatever parts I can find in order to fix up the car.” Wait a second. Earlier you say “Evan let him take any parts he needed or could find in fixing it up.” Why is he now saying “IF” Evan will let him??
Also here, again you should say, “Although Julie said she didn’t mind it all that much....she had told him that she worried Chris would think she and Evan were fooling around behind his back if she reciprocated Evan’s flirtations too much.” Chris can’t tell us what Julie thinks; only what she has SAID about what she thinks.

Para. 20: Man, I wanted to stand up and cheer for Julie...I LOVE this paragraph.

Para. 21: Should be, “...trying to detour the direction he’d led the conversation to.” He was the one who got them there.

Para. 22: “Though Julie didn’t respond, [we know she is not responding to HIM] he could tell by the change of her tone [we know the change of tone is in her voice] that she was calming down.” Omit “however”. “Well, if you do see him, tell him that he has to bring a bottle of wine. After dinner, we can ask him about the loan.”

Okay, from here I’m just reading and interjecting when I see major glitches:

“Evan knew their financial situation of course, so he didn’t even hesitate.” Should be omitted. The story is from Chris’ Point of View (POV) and the exact reason Evan agrees to bring wine is not known to Chris (maybe he’s doing it just because that’s what you do when you’re invited to dinner).

Chris cannot “feign” a weak smile. He can “smile weakly”, however. And again, thoughts that are NOT spoken aloud should be in single quotes. He didn’t say “Julie would love hearing this”. He thought it, so it would be, ‘Julie would love hearing this!’

“Chris smiled weakly, thinking to himself that Julie would love to hear this. “Well, cool. I’ll just finish....” should all be in one paragraph.

“...all we could do was sit at the kitchen table drinking coffee while she jerked me off.” If you put in “beneath it”, it makes it sound as if SHE was under the table, not just her hand. And while we’re on the subject, I HATE this guy Evan. He’s a sleaze. Doesn’t bode well for the story if your readers hate a character you want them to like. (If we don’t like him, we don’t want him having fun with sweet Julie later....we think he doesn’t deserve it).

They stop and pick up “several bottles of wine”. Hmm. Again, one bottle, okay for dinner. “several bottles” makes me think they’re all just a bunch of partyers and makes me dislike them.

Julie standing on the doorstep greeting them makes me wonder about her. First she is REALLY offended because her husband suggested she be “nice” to Evan for money. Now she’s out on the stoop “pulling out all the stops”? And of course, she has “enormous” breasts. Saying “enormous” AND “full sized” is redundant.

I love the “dinner and a show “ line. Very clever, and it made me laugh.

Again remember: SINGLE QUOTES FOR THOUGHTS.

Evan gives CHRIS a kiss on the cheek???????? Ugh. Dontcha just love typos? *grin*

“...Evan took full advantage, sliding sideways past her and ensuring that his chest was pressing into her breasts in the process.”


I finished reading the rest of the story without comment, and I can see why you do so well on the “charts”. Lots of sex, and very graphic sex at that. The story concentrates more on the sex than on the plot or characters, and being a realist, I know that’s what’s popular but for me, it isn’t what I would choose for reading material.
Still, you have more of the art than most, and while I would strongly recommend a good editor, which I think would elevate your writing considerably, you do well with the masses alone and doing that would of course be nothing more than your desire to perfect your writing.
At any rate, a good overall story, more brawn than brains, but erotica is in the eye of the reader. I liked the twist ending, and I look forward to more of it.
 
Hello, lady. I'm glad to see someone with your credentials giving writers honest feedback. I'm a new author on this website and would like some feedback on my story "The Company: Marlo 01".
 
To Sixty-Nine and Midnight Shadow:

Just wanna let you all know, darlins, that I'm going to be spending this weekend doing some SERIOUS writing, and reading, so expect your critiques online probably Saturday. Thanks for being so patient with me...*****'s been hectic!:kiss:
 
ladyphoneix

In your return comments I was amused to see you call me 'more of a lady by the way I responded to you'. Just to set a record straight, I am as in my profile, a male of the species. Oh, no offense taken, I was amused, honest.:)
 
HI ladyphoenix

New here, would love feedback.

Just finished Ch 3 of Night Angels - that's the one I would like the most feedback on. Would also like to know why Ch 2 got so many fewer votes than Ch 1. If you can explain such mysteries.

take care
moonfire
 
treetorn's "Kate's Match: Chapter 1"

Your first paragraph was a bit more energetic and catchy than most, even if it was just a shade cliched. You start out by telling us something “you” already did, but not telling us what it was, then moving back to your first day at the college. I would break it after the first line, and start “Ever since...” as a new paragraph.

Watch how you use the --. For example:
“...because I’m not beautiful--well-built, but not beautful...”
Should be: “because I’m not beautiful. Well-built, but not beautiful...”

She had her legs calibrated???? I LOVE IT.

“girlfriends”, not “girl friends”

Well, I’ve finished reading, and I’m feeling confused. Confusion, along with disgust, nausea and nosebleeds are just some of the feelings I DON’T like to have after reading a story that is supposed to be “erotic”.
My first question is, what is the point? There is no sex. There is nothing erotic, really. You have excellent word skills and you managed to get me interested in WHY, exactly, Jack is not falling for obviously buxom and devious Kate, despite the fact that I already despise both Kate, for her bitch nature and for using people, and her ‘friend’ who is equally disgusting in her use of humans as ‘toys’.

You know I like your style in the other story, A Carpenter’s Tale, much better...and I will read the balance of this one, if for no other reason than just because I want to see Kate and friend get their cumuppance, so to speak...

So....not my cup of tea. I’ll have diet pepsi instead. But let me know if part 2 comes about.
 
Sixty-Nine's "The Company: Marlo, Chapter 1"

Wow.

For once, I actually read the whole story without stopping to edit, mentally or otherwise.

I see a lot of strength in grammar, as there were few glaring error there, and there was something about the story I liked, despite feeling at the same time a distinct dislike for Marlo's boss and her slobbering underlings, and the whole political atmosphere of the office.

It was arousing without calling attention to itself specifically, and that kind of story is rare here. I would have liked some more personal info. on Marlo; is that coming in chap. 2?

A definite four.

Thanks for the great read!
 
Midnight Shadow's "Her Protector"

Halfway through and I’m seeing a few minor grammar problems, but nothing blatant or jarring. You really are using passive more than you should, although you use active more than most.

“You don’t have to call them, I’d rather just forget this all happened,” she said meekly Should be separate from “Well at least let me drive you home”. They are being spoken by two different people.

When using “Miss” as a pronoun, capitalize it. ie, “Are you alright, Miss?” and “Well have a great rest of the night, Miss.”

I returned her smile. “I’m Jay. I wish we had met...”

In text, numbers are generally written out. So, “three hours” instead of “3 hours”

You write, “A huge fight could of broke out right in front of me and I would’ve never noticed.”
SHOULD BE: “A huge fight could have broken out right in front of me and I never would have noticed.”
Generally, would have, should have and could have are not good when contracted into would’ve, should’ve and could’ve.

“About ten minutes BEFORE I locked the doors...”

‘catching our breath’, NOT ‘catching our breaths.

A sweet ending, but appropriate to the story and very endearing, not overly sentimental. I liked the story very much; while some good editing before posting would help you an awful lot, this is a good basic story with some nice writing and good character stuff. I think if you keep writing you’ll develop those talents even more, because while this is good, I have a feeling you can do better, and with some editing, can be great!

Thanks for giving me the chance to look it over.




:kiss:
 
oops....

Open mouth, insert foot. I SWEAR all my office machinery is smarter than me.

*sigh*

:rolleyes:
 
Here's an idea

Anyone want to have wild, wicked, uninhibited fantasy sex with a so-so writer? Maybe that will jar my gray cells. ;)
 
Midnight Shadows' "Marti Gras"

ACTIVE VOICE, darlin...pretty please?

“Seth stepped to the railing and watched the busy street below.” OR, “Stepping to the railing, Seth watched the activity in the busy street below”. (Streets aren’t busy, only the people in them/traffic in them, etc. are busy).

The first paragraph isn’t completely clear...I’d re-write it as: “Stepping to the railing, Seth watched the frenzy of activity in the street below. There were people everywhere, dancing, singing, and generally putting off more sexual heat than Debbi doing all fifty states in one wild rush. He and his girlfriend, Beth, had always talked about coming to Mardi Gras and they’d both been thrilled to arrive the day before, but today some long-standing problems they’d been having erupted into an argument as heated as the sexual temperature of the New Orleans streets below. Now he had the hotel room they’d rented all to himself, and Beth was on her way home after letting him know in no uncertain terms that they were over.

The next few paragraphs, which include descriptions of Mardi Gras, one of the wildest, most colorful parties in the country, and Seth seeing Marti for the first time, with her beautiful smile, might have been presented with much more vivid imagery and attention to detail. As they are, they’re written down, but not very exciting, and they could have been (editing, editing and more editing....)

I HATE having to say this, because I do it myself, but your use of elipses (...) is really excessive and doesn’t make much sense. I think that I try to use them for pauses, but here, you are using them without any need. For example, “Ok...what happened that was so bad?” Should be, “Okay, what happened that was so bad?’

“Not much of a story...me and my girlfriend got here yesterday....” Should be, “Not much of a story. My girlfriend and I got here yesterday....” and so on There are 18 uses of elipses in 28 lines of dialogue, from “what were you looking at?” to “Wow, what are the chances of that?” Even for me, that would be too much.

‘twenty-two’, not 22

“All of a sudden Marti got up and grabbed Seth’s hand, with a twinkle in her eyes she pulled him out on the dance floor.” Try this: “Suddenly, Marti got up, grabbing Seth’s hand and with a twinkle in her eye, pulled him out onto the dance floor.” [When someone says, ‘pulled him on the dance floor’ as opposed to ‘pulled him out onto the dance floor’, I get this image of someone being dragged by one arm across the floor of the dance area]

Pet peeve time: Marti has “golden skin” and “large full breasts” and “flawless legs”....hey, didn’t she have a “POOCH” earlier????

And while we’re peeving....why do men refer to the clitoris or clit as a clitty? DO we call penises peenies?

Okay...Your ending is brutally brief and rather cliched, and I think you hurried much more through this story than you should have. I felt you were more careless here than with “Her Protector”. Is this an earlier story, or was it done quickly, right after “Her Protector”? You had a lot more going on here; the characters are not quite as simple, nor is Seth’s story, or the backdrop of Mardi Gras, but you handled them with less finesse than I know you’re capable of. With good editing, this could have been a GREAT story with a lot of steam. As is, it chugs along at a decent pace, but it’s nothing outstanding. If I were you, I’d edit and re-post...bet you get much better numbers.

Keep Working!!!!!!!!:kiss:
 
See...I told you

Machinery is smarter than me.

And definitely biased. The above critique is mine, but you were all smart enough to figure that one out already. I need sleep.
 
moonfire's "Night Angels" series

This is the kind of story I long to read. Long to write.

On a scale of one to five, all tens, and with great humility, I bow to this talent.

Enough said.
 
P.S. to moonfire

Yes, I can explain such mysteries as why Ch. 1 did better than Ch. 2.
They went into CH. 1 expecting lots of wet, luscious sex, but thought the writing was good anyway, even if they didn't get it, and gave you good marks for that.
They avoided Ch. 2 because they KNEW going in it was more cerebral than sexual. However....for those of us who think cerebral IS sexual...HIGH MARKS!!:kiss:
 
i appreciate the help

you were right about my second story being written quickly, because it only took me three hours to write. I thought it was better than "her protector", but now i see what was wrong with it. Thank you and as soon as my next one is done, i'll let you know........... :devil:
 
Just wanted to publicly thank you for reviewing my story. I'll start publishing chapters again very soon and I'll PM you when that happens.
 
Re: My Trial By Fire...

ladyphoenix said:
Anyone want to have wild, wicked, uninhibited fantasy sex with a so-so writer? Maybe that will jar my gray cells. ;)
Click to expand...


hehehe...I WISH! Actually that's always been a huge fantasy of mine to have a meeting of the minds with a female author. Swapping hot stories back and forth, based on each other's. Hmmmm, OK, out loud that sounds like slow cybersex. LOL

Annnnyways, I came in here to take a little trial by fire of my own. Sorry, bad Phoenix joke. :rolleyes: But still, I wanted to let a fellow author take a crack at my writing. First, allow me to describe my style and the things I recognize about my own writing:

Everything I submit is a rough draft. The stories you see are exactly as they were when they came to me, no editing, no moving paragraphs around. So I realize I can improve my writing just by choosing to go back over them. I also recognize that I have a *HUGE* problem with complex and run-on sentences. Part of that is intentional to simulate many things happening at once, part of it is to make it one long string of rapidly occurring events, such as in the moments of deepest passion when everything runs together in your mind. And yes my use of the elipse, "...", is a little overplayed but I use them to give longer pauses for the reader.

OK, now from a style standpoint: I write towards a female audience, and in an intimate "one-on-one" style. The stories work best if I read them aloud which is what I originally started writing for, when I still had a lady in my life. The women in my stories are always kept vague...they are almost as ephemeral as concepts because if I give concrete details then I automatically shatter the illusion for - and alienate - part of my audience. Dang I sound like such a putz in this forum... (Grin)

But my intention with my written fantasies is to share an experience with my reader; to show them what being with me is like. So I write myself and my characteristics into the stories. Unfortunately, it seems the style I write in is also the style I cyber in (when I findsomeone interested)...HOWEVER because I mentally make that connection, it might be hampering my writing.

Finally, although I know the correct punctuation and capitalization rules for dialogue, I'm not particularly good at choosing the right things my story-partner to say. Also, there is that risk of alienation again if I have the woman say something the reader wouldn't have. So that is why dialogue is rare in my stories. In the future, I'll be trying to add more though.

I don't know...I won't ask any questions before you've read anything because I don't want to influence the way you read them. But we can discuss things afterwards if you'd like...? :)

Hopefully my signature works (my first post!) or else I'll post a second message with the Literotica link fixed. Also, as an added treat, I have a new story in three parts that I'll submit sometime this week. Enjoy! ;)

Thankyou for your consideration,
Rich
 
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