feeling ashamed about what you feel/are

[Titania1616]

i agree with cellis on that when i was exploring bdsm i didnt know it had a name.

at a very early age, 5th or 6th grade i thnk, i would do things which i couldnt explain to myself, things i had no idea why i was doing. i would spank myself with leather belts, i would tie myself up with scarves or ropes, i would act out scenes of submission, all the time not knowing why i felt compelled to do them, they just came naturally to my mind, and over the years i got kinkier and kinkier. i grew up in a house where sex was never discussed, it wasnt that my mom avoided it, we just never talked about it. i grew up feeling ashamed of what i did, not knowing why, and being sure that nobody else my age did the things i did, or felt the things i felt. i was very lonely sometimes, even though i had alot of friends, because i couldnt talk about what i was going through or feeling. when i got to college i got internet freedom for once in my life and started doing a little bit of exploring. i found a whole world of people who think they way i do (some of the time), feel the same why i do, and wont look at me in horror when i discuss things like this. none of my friends know, and though im not ashamed anymore, im not open about it either, and it still gets kinda lonely.

i've never told anyone this before, i cant believe im spilling this all now. sorry for turning your question into a testimonial.

to get to the point of it all: it takes time, you cant rush yourself, and no one can rush you either.

 

[cellis]

Titania you echo my thoughts at times. I, too, never knew there were people out there who felt the way I do. It was the internet in my home that brought all of this to light for me as well.

I know how it feels to keep a secret. This is my secret. None of my friends have any idea of this part of my life. I intend to keep it that way.

It is a little lonely sometimes.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: It just doesn't matter

It doens't matter what anyone esle says or thinks about who or what you are. I'd like to meet the person in this world that has the sealed instruction manual on how to live a life. There is no such thing. No one can tell you what is normal.

Look at all the supposed "good people" in this world. You have Presidents and heads of corporations stealing and lying to us on a daily basis. You have priests molesting little boys. Those are the truly disturbed bastards of this world.

Two rules to live by:
1) Accept who you are and be happy with knowing who you are. That is 99 percent more than most people ever realize in this life. 2) Accept others as long as their behavior is not harmful to you or anyone esle.

Exactly. Many timee we have been too busy being the good little girls and boys that we thought we had to be to please our parents, family, spouses, bosses, anyone but the people who really matter...ourselves.

Ebony

 

[Andreina]

for me it is/will be quite hard really living out my fetish or making it (eventually) a life style. i was brought up in household where sex was and is a taboo topic. you just don't talk about it.
i don't really care that much about but it surely hasn't helped coming to terms with it.
i know it is not such a big deal but reading and participating in the BDSM forum helps me to explore it further and well, talk with people who have something in common with me.

thanx for your kind words all!

 

[MzChrista]

Anybody got an Emma Peel av is part of my crowd, square business.

 

[cellis]

Anybody got an Emma Peel av is part of my crowd, square business.

Like the good little switch... I mean sub that I am....

 

[cellis]

Anybody got an Emma Peel av is part of my crowd, square business.

There's this one too...

 

[cellis]

Anybody got an Emma Peel av is part of my crowd, square business.

And this is where they can be found!

More Emma

 

[SweetDreamsofU]

I've spent a lot of my life looking for something... someone who will be a part of my life and let me be the person I need to be. I have found that with my new partner.

Quietly? Yes, we share our bond and learn together what we want and need to fulfill our dreams together. And we realize that it took a lot of trust to even admit to the other that we enjoy BDSM. We do not share that part of our relationship with anyone else at this time. Although, it could happen in the future... one never knows.

I too have friends who will never know about this part of my life ... who would never understand the desires I feel to control our sexual life. But if they are to find out, to comment, to question ... I know that I will not be ashamed of what I do and how I feel about my lifestyle. I will explain to them and they can choose to understand or not. They are my friends and will accept me as I am.

I feel that life is about being happy ... and if your decisions make you happy ... then live them! And Enjoy!

 

[artful]

Re: Re: feeling ashamed about what you feel/are

For me, I've always liked kink and the idea of kink.

As it happens, I've also always been somewhat self-assured.

So I knew that kink was "acceptable", at least to some, at a very early age.

With the knowledge that kink is okay, and that I'm also okay...I've never struggled with what I like or who I am.

I read somewhere about how we can in fact choose how we feel about almost anything....we can choose to be calm in a tight spot...choose to laugh when things are low.....why not? They're our feelings, after all.

So, perhaps this point of view will give you pause to try feeling good about being a kinky switch.....and consider that what your friends etc like/do/want is, at the end of the day in your bedrooms....none of their concern. You are certainly not alone in your interests.

Choose to feel good about you and celebrate it, too! (can't hurt!)

Cheers;
LC

Lance,...I am SO in agreement with your post,...It IS all about choice. "Choices,...I gottem,...lots of'em!"-That's my motto!!!

 

[MzChrista]

cellis, you the bomb. Thanks.

 

[TantaLiza]

As several others have commented, I too had sex enough to know something was missing...I started searching when I came here to Lit. While reading the different forums, something clicked when I surfed into BDSM...eventually I read more and even posted a bit...still learning lots but personal intruction has taught me that I do like things a bit rougher than I ever imagined. I hope to experience more as time goes on....I'll continue research but have decided that this side of my life is my own...no one need know what my kinks are...no matter how close-knit the family may be....

 

[forced]

I'm starting to think that being a female sub is probably the easiest end of this spectrum, although still not a simple place to find satisfaction.

I've been able to say, "Spank me... pull my hair...tie me up..." to guys before, but not often has it been taken very seriously.

For some reason, I seem to attract men who don't have a dominating bone in their body... I think it has to do with the fact that I, myself, am fairly self-assured, sarcastic, and a bit of a smart-ass IRL. I've tried toning it down a bit, and I know that in order to be sexually satisfied, I need a man who can take charge. I think I could be happy in a relationship where I wasn't necessarily submissive... but I need more than what I've had (with the exception of one).

Am I ashamed? Not quite... but I'm not exactly shouting it from the mountain tops as of yet... I'm still afraid of outside opinions. But, as others here have said, I've had enough to know that something was missing. I honestly think my recent experience was quite an eye-opener for me.

 

[Andreina]

for me it is usually the factor that well, that I'm really seriously shy in real life. i can't even say "kiss me" without blushing -- not even talking about saying "do whatever you want" here

phuck, i need a wee self-confidence injection in mah (_!_)

 

[SexySusan]

Andreina ... there are three ways to overcome shyness ... 1. practise, 2. practise, 3. practise ...

I know, it sounds really hard.

The problem is: if you avoid what you're afraid of, your fear will get bigger. Why? Because you have no positive experiences that will prove your fear it is unnecessary. So the fear says: "Well ... so far no one has proved me wrong, I guess I'll stick around! I must be right - we keep avoiding it all the time - this must be dangerous!"

I'm not just a smartass - I'm terrified of exams. But I know that, and I try not to avoid them, and I focus on the ones that went really well (that does happen, every now and then ).

And something else: I KNOW that shy people tend to believe they blush all the time, when in fact they don't, or maybe just so little it's barely noticeable. You just get this red hot feeling in your face ... Our body has so many means to play tricks on our sensations. Who am I talking to here? This is a BDSM community, you all know that!


I say, next time say "kiss me" and see what happens ... what's the worst that could come of it ... Best of luck and a big hug!

Susan

 

[forced]

And something else: I KNOW that shy people tend to believe they blush all the time, when in fact they don't, or maybe just so little it's barely noticeable. You just get this red hot feeling in your face ... Our body has so many means to play tricks on our sensations. Who am I talking to here? This is a BDSM community, you all know that!

Just for the record, I do blush at everything! I have witnesses!!

 

[SexySusan]

... shhhh .... I was trying to build up her self confidence ... I know, there are all kinds of people ... but if she thought she wasn't blushing, then maybe it would get better? Blushing is a vicious circle - the more you are aware of it, the worse it gets.

And I still stand fast by my opinion. We (in general, as in all people) don't blush as badly as we think, often.

 

[forced]

Yes... I suppose you're right.

 

[Guest]

... shhhh .... I was trying to build up her self confidence ... I know, there are all kinds of people ... but if she thought she wasn't blushing, then maybe it would get better? Blushing is a vicious circle - the more you are aware of it, the worse it gets.

And I still stand fast by my opinion. We (in general, as in all people) don't blush as badly as we think, often.

last time i asked someone they told me "ewwww" how's that for a self-confidence booster?

nevermind i shall look and find someone who will errrmmm.. stimulate me

 

[cymbidia]

For some reason, I seem to attract men who don't have a dominating bone in their body... I think it has to do with the fact that I, myself, am fairly self-assured, sarcastic, and a bit of a smart-ass IRL. I've tried toning it down a bit, and I know that in order to be sexually satisfied, I need a man who can take charge. I think I could be happy in a relationship where I wasn't necessarily submissive... but I need more than what I've had (with the exception of one).

Okay, chickadee, i'm the epitome of a self-assured, confident kinda woman. I am most definitely not the stereotypical cringing, soft-spoken, deferential submissive.

But i'm sexually submissive to my core, and have been actively so for 30 years.

I give that part of myself only to my dominant, whether they be someone to whom i've been bound for a long time or someone i just met and have become close with. My real sub side only comes out to play with my dominant, the general public never, ever sees it.

In every single relationship of value i've ever had (except, of course, that which was contained within my nilla marriage), my dominant cherished my strength and individuality. That i was different to them, with them, that i didn't offer my submission to the world, made it more valuable in a way, i think.

My point?
Be who you are.
Someone who cherishes and needs you for all your qualities will come along. With that partner, that dominant, you will find more freedom to grow and change and develop into the woman and submissive you yearn to be then you can now imagine.

By stifling your natural characteristics, you're - essentially - lying. You're pretending to be who you are not. That will not work out in the end, will it?

Finally, if you don't like the fact that you're attracting submissive men, then you need to change the places and ways you attract men. Change your patterns of what you do in your free time. Find a new group of friends. Go to new clubs. Find a munch group in your area and start attending munches.

Go and do...but don't change yourself to attract a partner. That's an untenable plan of action for the long run.

Strength calls to strength.
Be yourself.

 

[CarolineOh]

cym, thank you for that beautiful post. I believe your words ring true for many of us, and your eloquence represents us well.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[SunshineLdy]

Wow, very! I keep doing a mental check on
WHY I like what I like
Am I the one that likes it, or am I trying to please
How comfortable I am with it
How far I want to go, or have I already passed the comfort zone

I started relating to questions and forming replies, until I noticed the date of the conversation

Very interesting read

 

[twysted73]

okay, here we go...

i just wanted to know if anybody else has had to cope with those feelings before and if they are normal or not.

i lately discovered that I'm a switch (more tending to the sub side though) and well, as prude as this may sound, this troubles me. i dont mean to say that I'm prude (by no means, im not) but it is just confusing. i know bloody well that there are no real-life mates of mine who enjoy what i take pleasure in. it must be like discovering that you are actually gay when you have lived in a straight relationship all your life.
i know it seems pretty trivial and most of you will think "why doesn't she just get on with it?" but it is really quite hard to explain. I know that people who enjoy BDSM aren't freaks *cough cough * but still... it is just confusing.
over the past few weeks i was browsing other sites and forums which had a strong BDSM focus and i felt like i discovered a part of my 'life' which i hadn't even seriously considered before. im not yet quite sure if i should give into it or not.

is it normal that one feels that way? or is it a sign that my heart is not really into it?
<<surely confused>>

Congratulations Adreina!!! You and I are actually in the same boat. (grab an oar, this is going to be fun)
It's always been sub, sub, sub. But until recently....it hasn't been so. You've become so conditioned and comfortable with your submissive role, it's where your comfort was kept quite well and healthy. It was familiar. It was a home you knew like no other. It was your happy place. But then mean old lifestyle went and put a new wing onto your house while you were upstairs sceneing! This is just ONE of the MANY reasons why I LOVE this lifestyle so effing much. Just when you think you have it all figgured out, it throws you a curve ball and drops you back to the minors to learn again. **sighs happily**
Don't fear it. Circle it like a cat does a mouse but don't run. Feel it out and enjoy at your own pace. *happy 4 u *

 

[HB1965]

Yes interesting thread because I have felt ashamed. I've struggled with who I am for a long time, and it's something that I'm still working. For some reason I've accepted the masochistic part of me, but the submissive side hasn't always been easy.