feeling ashamed about what you feel/are

[twysted73]

Yes interesting thread because I have felt ashamed. I've struggled with who I am for a long time, and it's something that I'm still working. For some reason I've accepted the masochistic part of me, but the submissive side hasn't always been easy.

This has my attention. WOuld you be willing (for the education and enrichment of those not as comfortable sharing their inner deamons watching this thread with intent) to expand on this shame you feel with submission?
You do it because it speaks to a need inside of you. But a part of you also is repulsed by it. Why shame? If you don't feel comfortable here please IM. I would love to know your reasons and insight.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[ecstaticsub]

I can't speak for HB, but it can be very difficult in today's society to be labled/identify as a submissive. I grew up in the 70s, at the height of the woman's rights movement. I was raised to never defer to a man, not allow them to make decisions for me, etc. It was considered a betrayal and a sign of weakness that I made a choice to marry and be a stay at home mom (when I was one). My family was furious that I let my husband control the finances. I was looked down upon and like I was "brainless" and had "wasted my life" because I was comfortable handing a certain level of control over to my husband. Friends (acquaintences) made similar comments, were quick to slam my husband behind his back (somewhat earned in hindsight), and I was constantly getting suggestions (from all sides) to take more control of my relationship.

Those attitudes were there *without* the concept of being submissive/into BDSM. There is still a prevaling attitude that submissive = mindless, weak, brainwashed, spineless, abused helpless doormat. It goes against the grain of 99% of what society teaches us we need to be in order to be a contributing, functioning member of society - strong, self-sufficient, take charge, in control, authoritative, etc. It can be a very difficult thing to internalize the strength of character one displays through honest and transparent submission, and maintain that self-pride, in spite of society's message to the contrary.

This was an issue for me. I pride myself for excelling in a male dominated career, never doing something just because a man tells me to, never puttng up with sexual harrassment in the work place (or anywhere).

But I did make the decision to be a stay at home mom (mostly). i have friends who can't understand that, and I know that if I told them I was a submissive they would be horrified and shocked.

The point though is that I made the decision. No one forced me. I wanted to stay at home, trade material things for the experience of being their for my children (and I fortunately financially could afford to). And I choose to be my Dom's submissive. I am far from submissive with other men or women. But I wanted to be his.

SoI feel no shame. This is what I want.

 

[EmpressFi]

Shame is the opposite of what I feel. I finally feel like I've "found myself" and I'm proud that I'm a submissive. I'm proud that I do it so well, I'm proud that my Master is proud of me, is pleased with me. I cant describe the feeling when both my husband and my Master told me how proud they were of me that I went to the BDSM club with them and let go of myself enough to wear what I was asked to wear.

I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.. like this is what I was meant to be. I couldnt be ashamed of that. We dont tell everyone because they wouldnt understand..but I've told my Master and my husband that I'm proud of our relationship..proud of who we are and would shout it to the world if I could

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm also in the camp of not feeling shame or embarrassment or a need to make excuses for how I live, who I am. In part this is more a stage of life thing whereby I have grown into being comfortable with who I am without the need for approval from anyone else...it's an age thing for which I am forever grateful. The ironic thing is that even though I had a reputation for being strong and capable of running my own life, going back to my education and spending a lot of that study in feminist studies cemented my ability to transform what I felt on the inside into being who I was on the outside...I finally realised that it really was my choice which counted, and I was entitled to that as a feminist and a human being as long as I didn't force my choices onto others. Becoming F's completed that transformation to where it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as he is happy and I am being true to myself. Unlike some others, I feel feminism has not only given me the strength to be myself, but also made it possible for me as a woman to make such a choice for herself.

Catalina

 

[twysted73]

Shame is the opposite of what I feel. I finally feel like I've "found myself" and I'm proud that I'm a submissive. I'm proud that I do it so well, I'm proud that my Master is proud of me, is pleased with me. I cant describe the feeling when both my husband and my Master told me how proud they were of me that I went to the BDSM club with them and let go of myself enough to wear what I was asked to wear.

I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.. like this is what I was meant to be. I couldnt be ashamed of that. We dont tell everyone because they wouldnt understand..but I've told my Master and my husband that I'm proud of our relationship..proud of who we are and would shout it to the world if I could

In summary, I would guess your feelings of inner peace and accomplishment in feeling this comfortability in your own skin was achieved by focusing not on societal rules, lables or opinion but on what matters most...yourself.
That's an expansion of one's conscousness and perception. A very big step to have to make but one that must be made if the rewards are worth the effort to the one making the decision. ( i just realized I sounded a little jack sparrow-ish there) Did I lose anyone? (not that you didn't say it eloquently enough Empress. I have an impulsive nature to break things down not to belittle the ones making the origional statements or to pass them off, somehow, as my own thoughts just reinterpreted,etc. But I break them down so I can understand them using the thought structures that I understand the best. So, I suppose, all of that just now is me talking to myself.
I need to keep an eye on that. Or atleast put a cell phone ear piece on so I have an excuse.

" I don't suffer with insanity. I quite enjoy it actually."

 

[Homburg]

I don't particularly feel shame over what I do. Quite the contrary, I'm proud of much of it, and certainly proud of various skill levels I've built. I do rather strongly dislike having to explain it to people that constantly fail to even attempt to comprehend though, so I don't normally discuss it. Or, well, let's put it this way, I don't initiate discussion. If someone brings up the topic, then I am perfectly happy to discuss the topic, and, depending on the person, my involvement with it.

By the same token, I identify as Dominant. The social stigma is different.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I feel no shame in being a submissive and am glad that I found someone who makes me feel proud of who I am.

My Dom appreciates my submission to him and never lets me doubt how proud he is of me. He encourages me to be the me that I am inside and because of him, I am comfortable with my choice and following my heart. Thanks to his encouragement I am also more uninhibited and having fun being that way.

I've tried to tell my husband but he thinks anyone who is submissive is weak and has problems, so I no longer bring it up, focusing my energy on where I need to be to be happy- serving my Dom.

I have told my best friend and he couldn't be happier that I found someone who is teaching me to project the me that I am inside. He has told me to thank my Dom on several occasions because of the positive changes he has seen in me- I'm more confident, feel/act sexier and proud to be owned by a man that I give myself to totally.

 

[HottieMama]

.....

 

[northwoods_sub]

I don't think I feel ashamed as much as embarrassed. I have always wanted to just fit in. Be one of the crowd, to be accepted. Unfortunately being a bisexual masochistic submissive isn't very mainstream.
I have been lucky though, after 7 years together I finally confessed my desires to my husband and he stepped right up to the plate, with enthusiasm!! The friends I have are very accepting of differences in lifestyle choices and accept me as who I am, not who I thought I needed to be.
At 32 years old I have finally become comfortable in my own skin. Do I still struggle? yep, mostly with giving up the power I felt I needed to have for so long, but that is a whole nother story!

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

Nala....

i could have written your post...(only switch "husband" with girlfriend.)


i am very proud of who/what i am. Furthermore, i am proud of who i have chosen to surrender to and very proud that he owns me.

Do i still have insecurities? Of course, that's human, IMO. Are there still desires that i choose to only share with him? Again, of course. That's not shame for me, it is discretion. He is the one that matters and the one that needs to know those desires not anyone else.

Now I see I could have written yours- GMTA

 

[Netzach]

Ashamed, dear God no. Highly amused mostly. Not especially proud, because I don't think being turned on by spitting on people is anything to be especially proud of, nor deeply ashamed of. Sexuality is mostly pretty ridiculous and I enjoy the comedy of it.

 

[TheBlackDahlia]

I'm not ashamed of what I am at all anymore. Though, back in my early years, I was embarassed and afraid to talk about it. Ever since kindergarten, I made up stories that involved myself putting the boys I loved in harmful situations, insuring that they would get hurt just so I could take care of them afterwards. I felt isolated and weird, like I was the only one who fantasized about these things. I have a feeling that they may have even contributed to the way I feel to this day: my anxiety, awkwardness, feeling like I don't really fit in.

Mom and Dad weren't much help either. My parents, though they know nothing about this side of me, have made it very clear that they don't like it, going so far as to saying that many of the people involved are sick. Though I have a feeling that if they found out that I was topping, my mom's opinion would change slightly.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

I feel no shame in being a submissive and am glad that I found someone who makes me feel proud of who I am.

My Dom appreciates my submission to him and never lets me doubt how proud he is of me. He encourages me to be the me that I am inside and because of him, I am comfortable with my choice and following my heart. Thanks to his encouragement I am also more uninhibited and having fun being that way.

I've tried to tell my husband but he thinks anyone who is submissive is weak and has problems, so I no longer bring it up, focusing my energy on where I need to be to be happy- serving my Dom.

I have told my best friend and he couldn't be happier that I found someone who is teaching me to project the me that I am inside. He has told me to thank my Dom on several occasions because of the positive changes he has seen in me- I'm more confident, feel/act sexier and proud to be owned by a man that I give myself to totally.

I am so freakin' jealous.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I am so freakin' jealous.

*looking absolutely bashful*

I'm sorry

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

*looking absolutely bashful*

I'm sorry

Don't be. I'm not jealous of any one else's situation just the fact that a lot of people seem to know exactly what they want and go after it. I'm not quite there yet.

 

[TheBlackDahlia]

Don't be. I'm not jealous of any one else's situation just the fact that a lot of people seem to know exactly what they want and go after it. I'm not quite there yet.

Honey, a lot of us aren't. We just have to keep looking.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

Don't be. I'm not jealous of any one else's situation just the fact that a lot of people seem to know exactly what they want and go after it. I'm not quite there yet.

I actually didn't go after it. The opportunity arose and I couldn't not follow what was in me to do. I fought my thoughts and feelings for quite sometime and the right person came along to encourage me...right place, right time