For the Downtrodden and Erotically Challenged

[NoJo]

Thanks!

Dear B.K + M.G.

Thanks so much for all your advice. Changing the virtual memory size and repartitioning the hard disk worked a treat. And thanks for the tip about the Allen key. From now on I'll stick to metric sizes.
P.S. My wife says thanks for the suggestion to use a bridge rectifier to smooth the voltage on her vibrator.

 

[jon.hayworth]

Dear BK and MG,

I hope you can help me with my problem.

My dear brother Jed has taken a fancy to our Ma, and now I have discovered they are sleeping together.

For me this is the absolute end!

I want to know the correct etiquette in this situation, do I get to keep the trailer or do I let Ma and Jed keep it? If Ma's got Jed am I entitled to sole use of the vibrator - Ma has took out the batteries and put them in the radio.

Sister Sal

 

[Guest]

Bringing light to the world of the hopeless

SubJoe-

We are just beaming about the hope you and your wife have in your lives now... better living truly can be achieved with better communication and the appropriate application of technology!

Keep your chin up and continue being good to each other!

b

 

[Guest]

Hope for the Hurting...

Dear BK and MG,

I hope you can help me with my problem.

My dear brother Jed has taken a fancy to our Ma, and now I have discovered they are sleeping together.

For me this is the absolute end!

I want to know the correct etiquette in this situation, do I get to keep the trailer or do I let Ma and Jed keep it? If Ma's got Jed am I entitled to sole use of the vibrator - Ma has took out the batteries and put them in the radio.

Sister Sal

Dear S,

The emotional pain of a parental betrayal cuts deeply. I encourage you to separate yourself from this painful environment. The trailer will forever remind you of what you have lost. Leave them there.

I urge you to lift your chin- and the radio and other recreational items- and move on with your life..... preferably to another county where the gene pool is a bit more diverse.

b

 

[MathGirl]

Help for the needy

Thank you for that, Bridget. Once again, you offer truly inspired advice.

Now we have a question from a midwesterner in Assizez, Nebraska

Dear B and M,

You simply must help me. I'm at my wit's end, and I don't know where else to
turn. I'm sixteen years old and a junior in high school. My problem is that
my testicles are of different sizes. The guys who noticed it in the showers
after gym make fun of me, and one of them even wrote a limerick:

There was a young man from Assizez,
Whose balls were of different sizes,
The left was quite small,
Almost nothing at all,
But the right won numerous prizes.

As humiliating as that is, I'm afraid it's true. One is about the size of a
tennis ball, and the other is like a dried pea. I've started dating now, and
I have hopes that I'll find a girl who will want to ... explore me, down there.

Well, in spite of the limerick, there are no contests for testicular hypertrophy
around here. The doctor says, "Leave it alone, Harold. They'll
even out eventually." I don't believe him, and I'm afraid of what will
happen if Mary Ann ever wants a handful of my freakish cojones. What am I to
do? What should I tell Mary Ann if she ever wants to fondle the old scrotum?

Gratefully yours, Nuts in Nebraska
________________________________________

Dear N,

All of us go through an awkward stage during our lives. It is
traumatizing while you are in the middle of it, but things always get better.
In the meantime, young man, remember that Mary Ann should not be
touching any nuts, except the ones in a dish on the coffee table.

b
_______________________________________

Dear Harold,

I have some wonderful news for you. I called an eminent doctor who specializes in cases just like yours. He says such cases are rare, but he has successfully treated several. Actually, there is no treatment at all. By the age of eighteen, your testicles will be equal and normally sized. Isn't that great? Mary Ann will be so pleased! I'm certainly happy to be the one who brings you such joyful news.

All the best, you lucky boy,
Diane

Ps. Then they fall off

 

[MathGirl]

Sidney Farquahr

Well now, here's a letter that was submitted by a perv.. person at Author's Hangout

Diane and Bridget,

Please, please don't mention my name! I can tell from your avatars that you are a caring and trustworthy persons, so I feel that I can confide in you, (albeit with some trepidation).

Well, I suppose it started two years ago, when I first discovered my obsession. I had met a girl, a pretty student of animal husbandry. We had already spent a few nights together. One evening she asked me if she could take a bath. I was in the bathroom shaving while she bathed, when she let out an
enormous underwater fart. I found it unbelievably erotic. I lowered an empty jam jar into the water and emptied the air out, and held it, bottom side up under the water. I asked her if she could fart again, this time capturing the bubbles in the jar. She did. Carefully I screwed the lid on, capturing the fart in the jar. At that point I lost interest in the girl, having felt that I had somehow got what I wanted out of her in that jar.

Since then I've lured at least eighty innocent girls to my apartment on the pretext of having sex with them, only to capture their essences in this way, at which point I usually become petulant and ask them to leave.

I have labelled all the jars carefully by name and date. Every so
often I unscrew one to sniff it, recalling in extraordinary detail the exact moment of the fart's creation.

And so we come to my problem: I'm running out of shelf space to store all these jars. Where can I get some good strudy shelving units that won't cost me too much, and are relatively simple to assemble?

Yours in confidence, SF
_______________________________________

Dear SF,
When you came to the end of your first shelf, you should have realized you were overdoing things... my goodness, Y2K has come and gone!
For your health and safety, I urge you to open all the windows in your home, blow out your pilot light and release all of the gases you have saved.
Then turn your jars over to the recycling center and enter a 12-step program.
b
_______________________________________

Dear Sidney Farquahr,

That was ME, you miserable sonofabitch! I'M that "pretty student of animal husbandry" you got drunk on cheap wine, force fed beans and broccoli, and tied up in that filthy bathtub of yours.

I've been trying to remember your name for months, Sidney Farquahr. Thanks for the letter, complete with address, you slimy pervert. Running out of shelf space is now the least of your worries. I'M your biggest worry, Sidney. I'm coming for you, Sidney, and I won't be alone. Big Tyrone and Vito the Viper know how to deal with low lifes like you. We'll see how you like smelling your own farts, up close and personal, with your nose between your own cheeks.

See you soon, Sidney Farquahr,
Diane
Ps. Hahahahahahahaha Hahahahahahaha
___________________________________________

 

[NoJo]

YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE YOU PAIR OF DUPLICITOUS , EVIL CON ARTISTS YOU KNEW THAT SWITCHING THE POLARITY ON THAT VIBRATOR WOULD MAKE MY WIFE COMPLELETY LOSE INTEREST IN ANYTHING BUT HER F***ING TOY. I DEMAND A REPLACEMENT FOR MY WIFE IMMEDIATELY OR IM GOING TO SUE.

PS Windows 98 still running well.

SJ.

 

[MathGirl]

Brainless in Bermuda

Dear SubJoe, Always nice to get feedback from those we've helped.
_______________________

Dear M & B-

I am mortified to write to you, but have nowhere else to turn. I know this may sound incredible, but please bear with me. Recently, when I have been doing the laundry, I have noticed that there are large stains on the sheets on my husband's side of the bed. The kind of stains that used to be on my side of the bed the morning after we are amorous.

What does this mean? Should I be worried? What can I do?

Blushing in Bermuda
_________________________________________

Dear B-

It seems that you are a very reserved woman. I can sympathize with the trauma of your whites not being "quite white". There can be several explanations, but whatever the reason, I would encourage you to initiate more romantic times with your man. He will love it and your laundry will be much brighter. Do not be anxious, dear. Just add some white vinegar to your next load and a bottle of chablis to your dinner.

b
__________________________________________

Dear B,

I'd say you have good reason to blush, sister. You must be dumb as a post not to realize what's going on here. I have little information such as your age, condition of your marriage, etc., but the situation is obvious. You refer to finding "the kind of stains that used to be on my side of the bed, etc." That says a lot about your marriage. It tells me that you don't have regular relations with your husband.

It's quite obvious that the old goat is having it off with someone, and there are only two possibilities: That "someone" is you, or it's somebody else. I think that covers the possible combinations and permutations quite thoroughly. In either case, you're probably drugged at the time. After all, it's unlikely that even a person as dense as yourself would sleep soundly enough to have sex or be in the same bed with someone else doing it and not realize it. Does the warm milk he brings you at bedtime taste a little odd lately?

I'd think that even you would know if your husband has been playing hide the salami with you, even if you were unconscious at the time. Think about it.

Unlikely as it might seem, that leaves only one possibility. Hector has been sneaking other women into the house and copulating with them on the bed beside you while you're comatose. This might possibly be a little fetish with him, and I don't think it's right that you should deny him the right to exercise his masculinity. Of course, the type of woman who would participate in such a fandango would probably steal the family silverware on her way out.

Let's face it, airhead, if you don't come across, someone else will.

This whole thing also makes me wonder about my esteemed colleague. Good grief, Bridget, come to the party!

Cordially, Diane

 

[Guest]

Please excuse my hormonally challenged colleague...

Sub Joe-

You must have forgotten to attach the grounding strap, dear. It limits the duration of the charge build up;

Gentle B-

What I failed to mention in my reply to you, because I didn't want to offend your sensibilities, is your husband may be having nocturnal emissions or actually pleasuring himself.

While I do not agree with the tenor of my colleagues missive, I do agree that you need to ensure that your husband's amatory needs are met. Prostrate cancer is not a pretty thing. Take good care of him, and he will take good care of you,

b

 

[Svenskaflicka]

FREEZE! This thread is now officially hi-jacked!

...in order to tell everyone that doesn't really give a damned, that it's now 5 hours left before my hubby arrives.


Sigh.

 

[pop_54]

Wow love

FREEZE! This thread is now officially hi-jacked!

...in order to tell everyone that doesn't really give a damned, that it's now 5 hours left before my hubby arrives.


Sigh.

Jeez Svenska he lasts well, 5 hrs, bloody hell, and what a polite way of putting it, arrives, wow.
Ha I can just imagine it, darling, darling, hold on tight, I'm arriving.
So polite in Sweden.

 

[MathGirl]

@#$%&^^%*&

Damned Swede poachers!

Good grief, Pop, don't encourage her.

MG

 

[Pookie]

Dear B & M,

I was going to email this problem to you, but I really need an answer fast (plus I forgot how to use my email *shrugs*).

What is the proper etiquette when it comes to ... well ... cumming at a swingers party? I’m going with my fiancée to his first party tonight. He thinks he should be able to cum all over anything within range. We have been arguing about this all week. I need help badly. I’m afraid he is going to start trouble if he just takes aim and fires at an unsuspecting person! Those things can be dangerous! You could put someone’s eye out! But my fiancée says, you take the risk of getting blasted whenever you step onto the field of battle. Please help! Can you imagine the obituary section in the paper tomorrow if things get out of hand!?

Any help will be greatly appreciated. Just hurry!!!!

Pookie

 

[Master_Vassago]

After the last few days I needed a good yuck. And what yucks you provided. Screw the top ranked stories I think this should be a top ranked forum and win some awards lol.

B&M keep up the good work.

 

[MathGirl]

Pookie's problem

Dear Pookie,
Bridget and I will get together on your problem as soon as she gets her head out of .... is available. Your enigma certainly deserves our prompt attention.

Dear MV,
Thank you for the nice comments, dear. Aside from the good we do for all humanity, it's feedback like yours that make it worthwhile for B and me.

Our Motto: OUR ADVICE IS FREE & YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR

B and M

 

[Dirt Man]

Depends on the host/hostess, and what they supply...

What is the proper etiquette when it comes to ... well ... cumming at a swingers party?

As a side bar to B & M's retort, not that I want to take over this thread or anything, but in all fairness, if the host/hostess, hasn't put out petri dishes, towels, wipets, or finger bowls, and safety glasses, then they are leaving themselves wide open for libel, and deserve the up cuming lawsuit in my opinion.


As Always
I Am the
Dirt Man

 

[Pookie]

DM,

Thanks for your thoughts and input. I need all the help I can get!!! My fiancée is taking a nap right now, so I was able to get back on here to post this without him knowing.

B & M,

I’m really getting frightened about this party. Before he laid down to take a nap, he got out what looks like camouflage paint and left it on the bathroom counter!! He is getting out of control!! He said he is not going to this party tonight unprotected. I tried to explain to him that this is not the kind of protection you need at this party!!!

Now I'm not so much worried about what will be in the obituary section tomorrow. I’m worried about “Action News At 11” showing up!! Please hurry with your advice!

Pookie

 

[sirhugs]

Dear Pookie:

Is there a Paintball Palace near you? Your bf could rent a visor. That won't help HIS victims, but he'll be better protected himself. I assume he's already well "armed".

 

[Pookie]

SH,

Thanks for the advice, as I need advice desperately! I will mention that to him when he wakes up. And yes, he is well armed. He packs a pretty good punch with his weapon too. Thats what has me so worried!!

Maybe I should just go rent a bunch of visors for everyone else!?

Pookie

 

[pop_54]

Hmm

Don't wish to offend the thtread bosses, I mean I'm not like Svenska, I don't want to hi-Jack the game, but

Pookie darling, just tell him to aim low, aim low dear, we always do and nobodies lost an eye at one of our events yet.


pops............

 

[Pookie]

Pop,

I wish I could depend on that advice. But I can't trust him now with the way he has been acting all week. I could tell him to just aim low, but he has been using this dart board high up on the wall all week for target practice. He was muttering the whole time things like: "aim to kill", "aim for the heart", "aim for the forehead", "don't leave them suffering ... make it a quick kill". etc.

I will try telling him that when he wakes up, but I'm afraid it may not do any good!

Pookie

 

[pop_54]

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

Pop,

I wish I could depend on that advice. But I can't trust him now with the way he has been acting all week. I could tell him to just aim low, but he has been using this dart board high up on the wall all week for target practice. He was muttering the whole time things like: "aim to kill", "aim for the heart", "aim for the forehead", "don't leave them suffering ... make it a quick kill". etc.

I will try telling him that when he wakes up, but I'm afraid it may not do any good!

Pookie

Not the dart board!!! Oh shit all is lost girl, all is lost.

 

[MathGirl]

$#%$^%&&^^%&&(*)*(_^%$#@$

Now, if the poachers are finished, I have a special case here. This is special in two ways. Firstly, letters from two readers are being posted at the same time. I believe the reason will be apparent. Secondly, I am going to answer these solo, because time of the essence here. Bridget will contribute her wisdom when she become available. After all, she is a family lady and has other responsibilities.
_________________________________________


Now, a soulful cry for help from a teenager in Sweden

Dear Bridget and MathGirl,
Yumpin' Yimminy! I really need your help. I'm a healthy sixteen year old girl, and I'm considered bright and attractive. My problem is so awful that I'm turning to you, in your wisdom, as a last resort.

The problem is with my breasts. This is very embarrassing, but I really need your help. You see, they're different sizes. No, I don't mean that one is slightly larger than the other. It's much worse. My right boob never developed. It wouldn't even justify the term "budding." The left one, though, is the biggest, firmest, hard-nippled bazonga you've ever seen. It could be a proud member of a set of 44 EEEs.

I've cobbled together a bra, of sorts. I used the right half of a training bra from when I was twelve. The other part is adapted from a sling my dad used to carry his bowling ball. To hide my deformity, I walk around stooped over and wear a heavy coat at all times.

My family are strict Christian Scientists, so medical attention is out of the question. Am I destined for a life alone? I have a healthy interest in the opposite sex, but I can't bear the thoughts of what would happen if a guy touched me below the neck and above the waist. Could a boy love me for myself and be content with just one humongous hooter?

I'll be waiting on pins and needles and with mismatched melons for your answer.

Sincerely, Unbalanced in Uppsalla

_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

Several serendipitous sentences from a troubled boy Down Under

G'day, Mates,

I'm an eighteen year old lad, and I'm as randy as a red arsed 'roo in old man McWhirter's pea patch, if ya know what I mean. I've got a problem, cobber, and it's makin' me as soddy as Fitzwalter's mare come breedin' season.

Y'see, it's about me and the shielas. I likes me a gel with a set of knockers on her like a holstein at milkin' time. The bigger the better, I always sez, and I'll take me chances at gettin' an eye put out. Nothin' like a girly with a set of tits as full as old Frobisher with a skinful of Fosters.

At the same time, mates, I also likes a youngish sheila with boobies that wouldn't half fill old Granny's small teacup. Somethin' about the frail, undeveloped beauty of a young lass that makes the old tooter stand up like an abo drill sargeant salutin' the flag, if ya know what I mean.

See here, cobber, do ya think there's any hope fer me? Is there any chance of me findin' fulfillment, or am I gonna live a life as whooshie as a one eyed bandicoot in old Missus Johnson's henhouse? Believe me, I'm about to pitch a blue wobbler.

Please help, mates, I'm as frobby as a left handed platypus in a gaggle of wallabees.

Asea in Adelaide
____________________________________
Dear Asea,

Have we ever got a girl for you, Bucko! I think U in U might be the answer to your dreams, and you should suit her admirably. Although you live on different continents, I don't see why that should be a barrier to a relationship. If I remember my geography correctly, a girl living in southern Sweden and a boy in northern Australia should be right across the border from one another. You should have no trouble being together on a daily basis. After that, just let nature take its course, you lucky young people.

Best wisher, D

 

[pop_54]

Yo girl

Now that reminds me of the other version of the old joke you had on earlier.

There was a youg lady from Devises.

Who had tits of differing sizes.

One of them small and no good at all.

The other was large and won prizes.

pops...............

Hmm poachers moon tonight, must get on.

 

[pop_54]

Hello will you be my friends

Dear Bridget and Diane:

Thanks for the helpful advice the other day, and the offer to meet me and check out my problem, you know the confusion over whether I should actually put a shoe on it and pretend I have three legs.

Unfortunately when I got to the lonely park you were nowhere to be seen and I had to give up and go home.
It could be that we missed each other some how, or maybe got the meeting point and time mixed up.
Could we meet there again tomorrow at about 8.30pm, as a method of recognising whether the other is there or has been there maybe we could use a secret code.
I’d suggest that if you get there first, you mark a white cross on the old Oak tree with chalk, if I get there first I’ll rub the cross out.

I think this should work OK.

Yours Sincerely:

Ivor Biggun.