For the Downtrodden and Erotically Challenged

[NoJo]

Sex

I have a friend -- lets just call him Mister X -- who is worried that he thinks about sex too much, sometimes up to four hours a day. He asked me if is this normal, and frankly I was stumped for an answer.
I was wondering, do any authors here think about sex? That would make me, I mean him, feel a little better about it, I think.

Bridget, Dianne, what percent of waking life should be spent thinking about sex? Are there any dangers involved in thinking about sex ? What's the best way to go about it?

Yours,

Mister X

 

[pop_54]

Re: Sex

I have a friend -- lets just call him Mister X -- who is worried that he thinks about sex too much, sometimes up to four hours a day. He asked me if is this normal, and frankly I was stumped for an answer.
I was wondering, do any authors here think about sex? That would make me, I mean him, feel a little better about it, I think.

Bridget, Dianne, what percent of waking life should be spent thinking about sex? Are there any dangers involved in thinking about sex ? What's the best way to go about it?

Yours,

Mister X

Bloody pervert, 4 hours a day, shouldn't be that much a month.

 

[The_Fool]

Re: Sex

I have a friend -- lets just call him Mister X -- who is worried that he thinks about sex too much, sometimes up to four hours a day. He asked me if is this normal, and frankly I was stumped for an answer.
I was wondering, do any authors here think about sex? That would make me, I mean him, feel a little better about it, I think.

Bridget, Dianne, what percent of waking life should be spent thinking about sex? Are there any dangers involved in thinking about sex ? What's the best way to go about it?

Yours,

Mister X

Do you actually sleep 20 hours a day???

 

[MathGirl]

Ahem

Personal to SubJoe,

I just wanted you to know that Bridget and I will be giving your problem our undivided attention as soon as she pulls her head out ....... discharges the responsibilities of a family lady.

Your ..... ummm ...... friend obviously needs our help. Is that the same ... friend you wrote us about who had that terrible, festering venereal sore on his you-know-what? Did the treatment with the meat cleaver work?

Tell your friend not to worry, we're working on it.

MG

 

[Guest]

Re: Sex

I have a friend -- lets just call him Mister X -- who is worried that he thinks about sex too much, sometimes up to four hours a day. He asked me if is this normal, and frankly I was stumped for an answer.
I was wondering, do any authors here think about sex? That would make me, I mean him, feel a little better about it, I think.

Bridget, Dianne, what percent of waking life should be spent thinking about sex? Are there any dangers involved in thinking about sex ? What's the best way to go about it?

Yours,

Mister X

Dear SJ... oh, I mean, Mr. X,

Thinking about sex is a very natural and healthy thing to do. Focusing on happy and positive things while thinking about sex can only bring light and happiness to one's life, and one's loved one's life.

My rule of thumb regarding how much time is too much time to think about sex is this: As long as it is not interfering with your normal, everyday life you are just fine! (And you aren't doing any physical damage to yourself with your heavy thinking.)

b

 

[Guest]

Re: Ahem

Personal to SubJoe,

I just wanted you to know that Bridget and I will be giving your problem our undivided attention as soon as she pulls her head out ....... discharges the responsibilities of a family lady.

MG

Diane dear,

I apologize for my absence today. I have brought a doctor's note as an excuse.

b

 

[NoJo]

Re: Re: Sex

As long as it is not interfering with your normal, everyday life you are just fine!

Sorry, I was miles away. What were you saying?

 

[Guest]

Snap Snap

Sorry, I was miles away. What were you saying?

*snapping fingers*

SJ-

That's supposed to make you blind, dear, not deaf.

b

 

[MathGirl]

Another tortured soul to comfort

Here's an interesting from a B and M fan in Illinois

Dear B and MG,

Oh, dear, this is so embarrassing! My problem is so extremely personal and humiliating that I can't even bring myself to discuss it with my doctor. After reading this letter, you will understand why I can't go to my priest. Well, I absolutely MUST get help, because I fear for my sanity, to say nothing of that of my loved ones. As a long time B and M fan, I feel I can trust your advice and confidentially.

Just over a year ago, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. As sometimes happens, I developed hemorrhoids. I know this is not uncommon in childbearing women, but I think mine is a unique case. Oh, this is so difficult! You see, in the past few months, my piles have become an erogenous zone. In fact, they have become the center of my sexual sensitivity. They have become so hypersensitive that just sitting on them is highly erotic. When sitting, I am unable to control the urge to move around on the seat and stimulate myself. The next thing I know, I'm having an orgasm. This can happen almost anywhere I can sit, and I have no control ove it.

To compound the dilemma, I have loud, uncontrollable, obscenity-laden vocalization during my climaxes. The things I yell when I come always have a distinctly nautical flavor. I can't understand this, because I live in Illinois and have never seen an ocean. Let me give you a couple of examples so you can understand the gravity of this situation and why I feel so desperate.

Last Sunday, my family and I were at church. I was sitting between my husband and son, holding the baby on my lap. The next thing I knew, I was squirming around on the pew, exciting my hemorrhoids. Enevitably, I reached a climax. When this happened, I stood up and screamed, "ABANDON SHIP, COSGROVE! THIS FUCKER IS GOING DOWN!!" You can imagine the effects of that outburst on the priest and congregation. It certainly disrupted the sermon.

Last Wednesday, my husband and I were at a formal dinner party at the estate of his boss, the CEO of a large corporation. Just as everyone was finishing their entrees, I found myself in the middle of a furious orgasm shouting, "ARRRRR. WE GOTCHA NOW, COSGROVE. FIRST WE'RE GONNA KEELHAUL YA, THEN WE'RE GONNA CORNHOLE YA!!" Well, hardly anyone was in the mood for dessert.

Possibly the worst episode was yesterday when I was having tea with my mother-in-law and some of her friends. Yes, it happened again. At the apex of my climax, I kicked over the tea table and screamed, "SET THE FUCKING MAINSAIL, COSGROVE! WE'RE GONNA GET THEM COCKSUCKERS!!"

I'm sure, dear B and M, that you can see I have a serious problem. Not only is my husband likely to lose his job, I think I'm going to lose my mind. He's threatened to divorce me, and I don't blame him. Already I've become alienated from my husband's family, and we're no longer welcome at the church we've attended for many years. I just can't go on like this.

My question to you, dear B and M, is this: Who the heck is this Cosgrove? I have never known anyone named Cosgrove, and here he is now, ruining my life.

Oh, no. Here it ............ comes .... oh ... oh, dear ... CLEAR THE DECKS, COSGROVE. WE'RE GONNA RAM THE MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Please help, dear B and M,
Piledriven in Peoria
________________________________________
Dear P-

Having a child brings so many changes to one's life. It would be amazing if
you hadn't experienced some difficult times as you adjusted.

I have some very practical tips for you: first, you need to ice down your
inflamed and inflaming tissues. Before you are going to be in public you
can apply some Anbusol to the tissue to numb yourself. If you can't feel
the pressure, you won't respond.

Second, seek a support group for new mothers. Venting your emotional stresses in this structured environment will result in your 'vocalizations' being less desperate.

Finally, make your husband a part of these solutions. If he knows you are trying to change, he will be able to support you all the more.

Best wishes,

b
_______________________________________

Dear P,

My dear, you are suffering from the Cosgrove-Pile Syndrome. This affliction is named after its discoverer, Dr B.M.Symthe. As with most things that affect our lives, it's a good news-bad news situation.

First the bad news, and I'll try to present this in the most positive light. It's hopeless. You are doomed to a continuing ever downward spiral of symptoms which only increase in frequency and severity. As time goes on, you will have less and less control of yourself, until you are totally helpless and suffering constantly.

Now the good news. Actually two pieces of great news. Since there is no cure or even treatment, your family will not be burdened with excessive medical expenses. Also, most persons with C-P live very long lives. That means that you can look forward to many, many years of suffering.

As usual, Bridget, your input was as appropriate as checking for a gas leak with a lit match, but I think we can share a high five on this one for a job well done. Personally, I'm as proud as a three balled wombat with two jimmies. Good grief, now I'M doing it.

_________________________________________

 

[MathGirl]

Delay

Dear B and M readers,

There may be a slight delay in our getting to your letters. We've had quite a deluge lately, and we must take the problems in the order they were received.

We feel your pain, dear readers, please be patient.

B and M

 

[Guest]

The Influence of Being an Early Reader

Dear M & B-

I just can't cum.

I stroke it wet. I stroke it dry. I rub it up against my thigh.
But I just can't cum.

I look at porn. I look at vids. I've even watched the Olson kids.
But I just can't cum.

It gets real hard. It gets real red. I've wanked it off until it's bled.
But I just can't cum.

I get it licked. I get it sucked. I married my wife to get it fucked.
But I just can't cum.

What should I do?

Blue in Boise


Dear B in B,

In the face of your dedication and lack of success I urge you to seek medical help. You must stop hurting yourself and your wife's self-esteem and find out if you have an underlying medical condition.

b



Dear Blue,

You obviously suffer from Seuss Syndrome of Sexual dysfunction. Try laying off the green eggs and ham and stop fixating on good old Sam I am.

Perhaps you needed a husband instead of a wife.

-MG

 

[Guest]

Beauty is More than Skin Deep

Next is a plea for assistance from a tortured soul in Carcass, Missouri

Dear B and M,

I'm a twenty year old coed at a bible college. I'm not religious, but I'm sort of stupid, and this is the only college that would accept me. Except for my ..... deformity .... I'm considered quite attractive. Because of my affliction, though, I'm ignored by all the guys here at the Jimmy Swaggart Institute for Evangelical Studies.

My problem is a large birthmark in the middle of my forehead. I'm very fair skinned, and it stands out like a festering boil on an alabaster buttock. It's in the shape of a large, erect, circumcised penis with a pair of pendulous testicles hanging below. It covers my entire forehead and glows in the dark. As you can imagine, it is hard for anyone to ignore who looks at me. I've been to every doctor in the state, prayed over, had hands laid on, psychotherapy, chiropractic, been born again four times, and baptised by whole body immersion until my fingers are permanently pruny. I'm at my wit's end, and you are my last resort.

Treatments I've tried include dermabrasion, surgical removal, and laser therapy. It always comes back, worse than ever. Styling my hair in bangs to hide it just makes me look like I'm wearing an cat on my head. To say that it impairs my social life is a gross understatement. I'm tired of only attenting functions where I can wear an army helmet or a bag over my head.

This is an urgent plea for help, dear B and M. What sort of life can I expect with this horrible affliction? I've seriously considered joining an order of nuns which wears wimples covering the forehead. I'm agnostic, though, and I hate church. Please help, I'm desperate.

Stigmatized at Swaggart

______________________________________

Dear SS,

It seems like you have tried everything except the obvious, dear. Have you thought of working at an institute for the blind? Perhaps getting into an environment where you were liberated from your appearance would give you the courage to blossom into the fine woman you are.

b

_______________________________________

Dear SS,

You know, it gets a bit wearisome, you people coming to Bridget and myself only as a last resort. It sometimes pisses me off that everyone thinks of us only after trying all the other charlatans, cranks, quacks, and dickwipes out there. Oh, well, such is the lot of the truly selfless, altruistic, and compassionate.

Now to your problem, SS. Actually I don't perceive it as a problem at all. If there was ever a match made in heaven, dear, it's you and whoredom. You're obviously not mentally qualified for anything else, and you are a walking advertisement for your services. The modern player in the negotiable affection game has many opportunities, and there is a wide varitey of choices of specialty. Think of the possiblities: Street walker, call girl, bordello whore ....... well, the field is ... er ... wide open. You might even aspire to a career in management. After a few years in the trenches, you may well be executive material and climb the executive latter to madamdom. Wouldn't that be fulfilling?

Our associates, Big Tyrone and Vito the Viper, offer their experience and understanding to the novice whore. I suggest you write to them at their offices: Professionals In Management of Prostitures, or Email them at PIMP.com.

No, no, don't thank us. Your happiness and glowing future is payment enough for B and M. Besides, we get a finders fee from BT and VV.

Sincerely, MG

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Beauty is More than Skin Deep

It seems like you have tried everything except the obvious, dear. Have you thought of working at an institute for the blind? Perhaps getting into an environment where you were liberated from your appearance would give you the courage to blossom into the fine woman you are.
b

Dear Bridget,

Good grief, woman! You don't get out much, do you?

MG

 

[Guest]

How do you get it all done?

A reader in Wheeling, West Virginia writes:

Dear Bridget-

I am perplexed. If I understand correctly, you are currently recovering from a hysterectomy, a mother with small children and you write a sensitive advice column. Just thinking about it makes my head spin! How do you do it all? I have a hard enough time remembering what day it is and making sure the laundry is clean, never mind keeping my husband happy.

-Wondering in Wheeling

Dear W-

Smile, smile, smile. It is the motto of the Keeney household.

We keep pictures of our Feed the Children children on our refrigerator to remind us how much we have for which we should be thankful.

When I have been given so much, I cannot withhold encouragement and hope for the downcast and the erotically challenged.

As far as the housework and keeping your husband happy is concerned, dear, remember that taking care of his amatory needs should always come first. Buy perma-prest shirts, eat off of paper plates and spend your time and energy on the important stuff!

b

 

[pop_54]

Hello

Dear Bridget and Diane:

Sorry to be a pain, but I have just one more little crisis.

My Father is serving 10 years in prison for fraud.

My mother is having an affair with our neighbour’s wife and a Labrador called Bob.

My oldest sister is a hooker and brings all manner of unsavoury characters home for sex.

My oldest brother has joined the Mafia and brings home cases of drugs and hot money.

My youngest brother supports Sheffield United Football team.

It’s all so embarrassing I mean Sheffield are bottom of the league table right now.

Yours Sincerely:

Arnold Bloggs.

 

[MathGirl]

AVAST, COSGROVE!!

Dear Bridget and Diane,

As do most of those who come to you for help, I have a difficult, personal dilemma and feel I have nowhere else to turn. I suppose that everyone thinks their problem is special, but I believe mine may be unique. I am a seventy two year old Catholic priest in a landlocked country. I have been faithful to my vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience since entering the priesthood, lo those many years ago. Before that, I sowed more wild oats than John Deere.

My problem is that I think I might be going mad. Mad, I tell you. Mad, mad, MAD. Hahahahahahahaha You see, I keep hearing voices in my head. Actually, it's a single, female voice. She screams strange, obscene, nautical orders to me, using my name. The seagoing tenor of the words is especially perplexing, since I have never been on a ship or seen an ocean.

The first occasion was while I was giving communion to my paritioners. I was handing the chalice of wine to an elderly lady when I heard the voice scream, "SPLICE THE FUCKING JIB, COSGROVE, YOU SONOFABITCH!!" Well, this was quite disconcerting, and the wine ended up all over the poor lady.

The second occurrence was when I was saying the homily at the Christmas midnight mass. Suddenly, this female voice in my head shrieked, "MAN OVERBOARD, COSGROVE! GIT THE FUCKER!!" We had a packed house that night, and I'm afraid I completely botched the rest of the service.

This strange inner voice is happening more often lately. Just this morning, I was hearing confession when she screamed, doing a poor imitation of Robert Newton as Long John Silver, "ARRRRH, MATEYS. HOLD THAT COCKSUCKER DOWN. COSGROVE'S DUE FER A SOUND BUGGERIN'."

Not only is this interfering with my pastoral duries, I'm very perplexed about the piratical nature of this voice. What really bothers me is that I might be losing my mind. I certainly hope you can offer some advice to a desperate man. Oh, saints preserve us, here it comes ag ............... "SHIVER ME TIMBERS AND FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, COSGROVE! 'TIS A FINE DAY FER PILLAGIN' AND RAPIN'! ARRRRR."

Father Manuel Eduardo Jose de Cosgrove
Bolivia
__________________________________________

Dear Father,

Do not allow these distractions to cause you to question your piety. We
cannot control every random thought that enters our minds. My advice is
this: seek out your Bishop and confess these thoughts and seek absolution.
As you do your penance you can be confident that you are freed from
culpability.

Also, see if it would be possible for you to go on a retreat. Being the
spiritual shepherd for so many can wear down both the spirit and mind. You
need a time away to reflect and be refreshed.

b
_____________________________________________

Dear Padre Cosgrove,

Your letter vaguely rings a bell. It seems like Bridget and I have seen something similar recently. Oh, well, we get lots of mail.

Now to your problem: As the First Law of Thermodynamics states: "What goes around comes around." I'm afraid it's come around to you. Somewhere on earth, a person is experiencing half of the Cosgrove-Pile Syndrome. I won't go into the particulars, but it is incurable and horrid. Unfortunately, the second half of the Syndrome is being visited upon you.

At some unknown location, the party of the first part is experiencing the living hell of that portion of the disease. It then ricochets off the ionosphere or van Allen radiation belt and ends up in your troubled mind. Patients afflicted with either part of the CP Syndrome are totally at its mercy.

I do have a suggestion, though, that may well be your best course of action. I am going to present my solution to your problem in the most light hearted and positive way possible: They say that getting drunk and taking a couple dozen sleeping pills usually does the trick.

Obviously, you will be unable to let us know how the treatment worked, but Bridget and I wish you all the best in the hereaf .... future.

MG

Ps. Nicely done, Bridget. You are certainly at the top of your erudite and clueless form today.

 

[MathGirl]

Apologies and apoplexy

Dear Gentle Readers,

Some of you have expressed horror and anguish at the above recommendation to the troubled Father in South America.

I realize that suggesting suicide is a bit unusual for an advice columnist, but Bridget and I can only do what we think is best for the tortured souls who come to us for succor.

Please be understanding, and I assure you that future columns will be more lighthearted and positive.

Sincerely,
Bridgette and MG

 

[Guest]

Re: Hello

Dear Bridget and Diane:

Sorry to be a pain, but I have just one more little crisis.

My Father is serving 10 years in prison for fraud.

My mother is having an affair with our neighbour’s wife and a Labrador called Bob.

My oldest sister is a hooker and brings all manner of unsavoury characters home for sex.

My oldest brother has joined the Mafia and brings home cases of drugs and hot money.

My youngest brother supports Sheffield United Football team.

It’s all so embarrassing I mean Sheffield are bottom of the league table right now.

Yours Sincerely:

Arnold Bloggs.

Dear Arnold,

I think that your home environment may be limitting your aspirations in life. I encourage you to get out into the real world and experience life for yourself. You cannot continue to live vicariously through your siblings. Their accomplishments are not yours, nor are their shames.

What you need to do, Arnold, is see the world. You need to join Her Majesty is always looking for a few good men to help protect your country. The Royal Air Force or Her Majesty's Navy are just the ticket to a new life for you.

b

 

[MathGirl]

Firmly attached

Next, a letter from a young lady in cowboy country.

Dear B and M,

I think you will agree that my problem is unique. I'm a healthy, reasonably attractive girl. I think of myself as well adjusted, but I have a terrible problem with my twin brother. Actually, he's a Siamese twin. For the sake of privacy, I'll call him "Angus." His real name is Jeremy. He's a nine inch tall boy, and we are attached at my hip. Angus is fully developed sixteen year old, complete with a wispy moustache. He and I have been together so long that I can't even imagine life without him. Some of my earliest memories are of when Angus was about six inches tall, and I dressed him up in doll clothes. He was so cute. We are not only brother and sister, we're best friends.

Very few people know about my twin. I've been able to conceal him by wearing loose clothing and long coats. Angus, of course, has always gone to school with me, and he's quite bright. Aside from the time I nearly drowned the poor guy when I took a bath, we have always gotten along fine.

Lately, though, I've started wondering about our future together. I recently started dating a wonderful boy, and we're now going steady. I had to tell him about my brother before we could get serious, and Chuck took it very well. In fact, he and Angus have become friends. It's when I'm with Chuck, though, that the problem arises.

As many teenagers do, Chuck and I drive to a secluded location and engage in petting in his car. As time passed, we have become more intimate, and I now allow him to put his hand inside my panties sometimes. I am firmly resolved to remain a virgin until marriage, but I really enjoy the intimacies I share with Chuck. He certainly appreciates the hand jobs. Lately, however, our relationship has begun to affect Angus. When Chuck and I get to the deep kissing, nipple fondling, and finger insertion stage, I become quite passionate. Unfortunately, Angus also becomes aroused.

I must tell you that it's quite disconcerting to be deeply passionate with my boyfriend and feel my brother furiously masturbating against my hip. Even Chuck is a bit put off when Angus climaxes and lets out a squeak at the top of his little lungs.

You can see my problem, dear B and M. I love Chuck and would do anything for him, but I also love my dear little Angus. I can't bear the thought of losing either of them, but my future happiness with Chuck is in grave jeopardy as long as my brother chokes his wee gopher when I'm intimate with the boy I love.

Please give me your advice, dear B and M. I trust your advice implicitly, and I'll do whatever you suggest.

Petulantly Morose in Pubis, Montana.
_____________________________________
Dear P-

Heavens, dear, three is definitely a crowd, especially when the third
is attached to you! I encourage you to seek medical help in the form of
detaching your brother from you. You both need lives of your own.
While I understand your attachment for your brother, it is time for you both to
take the step to have independent lives.

b
___________________________________

Dear PMPM,
Actually, dear, your problem is not that unusual. Bridget and I have counseled several sets of Siamese twins with similar problems. Boy, could we ever tell you some stories! I can feel your anguish, PM, and I believe my advice will assure a satisfactory outcome for all involved.

I see the solution as involving two steps, and they both are directed at cooling Angus' ardor at the time you and Chuck are intimate. Firstly, Angus is a normal teenage boy, and his needs must be considered. I strongly suggest that he be encouraged to masturbate to climax once or twice immediately before your dates with Chuck. This might even be a part of your makeup and dressing ritual as you make yourself pretty for your date. It might be appropriate for you to whack off the little guy yourself to let him know you care. After all, what are big sisters for? If Angus' has achieved satisfaction, it's less likely that he will need to ... relieve himself while you and Chuck are playing.

Also, I don't believe it's fair to expect Angus to remain calm while you and Chuck play fish finger and grease the kielbasa. On your next date, carry a teaspoon in your purse. A sharp rap to the top of Angus' wee head with the bottom of the spoon should stun him nicely, and allow you and Chuck to be amorous without interruption. Perhaps Chuck could adminster the blow as part of your .... foreplay. A second dose of spoon might be needed during a prolonged session, but I strongly advise against anything more than that. After all, you want Angus unconscious, not concussed or deceased.

Some experimentation will be needed to determine the correct dosage of spoon for the little fellow, but I think patience will have big rewards for the three of you.

Best wishes, MG

As usual, Bridget, your advice was erudite and missed the point entirely. Well done

 

[MathGirl]

Poor Pookie's Problems, Possibly

Another letter from our own Pookie Girl. A lady who needs help in more ways than one.

MG & Bridget,

Just wanted to update you on the problem I was having with my fiancee
the other day with the swingers party planned for that night. I solved the
problem myself by using super glue and a new industrial strength type
of condom that can't be torn or ripped. I did all of this while he was
still napping. Needless to say, he was not a threat to anyone at the party!

Now I have another problem!! How do I get the damn thing off of him
now! Please help! I do want to have kids by him someday! And now the
condom looks like a ballon with all the cum inside it. Before long, he won't
even be able to go out in public with it getting so large! Any help will be
greatly appreciated!

Yours, Pookie
______________________________________

Dear Pookie-

Aren't you the clever girl! I urge you, though, that you need to get
that condom off quickly. It could do permanent damage. Fortunately, all
you need is a bit of acetone (nail polish remover) and the superglue will
just dissolve. Make sure you flush the entire area afterwards with cool
water and apply a light aloe lotion to prevent any damage to the skin.

b
________________________________________

Dear Pookie,

My advice to you may seem drastic, but if you'll think about it for a while, it will make a lot of sense. You say you wish to have children by this man someday. Well, the solution is obvious. Get him drunk and spike his drinks with an only slightly sublethal dose of Xanax. While he's comatose, remove the condom, penis and all with a swift stroke from a razor sharp bread knife. Wrap rubber bands tightly around the stump of the severed johnson to prevent hemorrhage. Unless, or course you wish to rid yourself of him permanently. Not a bad course of action, but it could involve spending a couple of Christmases in the slammer.

Put the amputated material in a paper bag and take it to the nearest sperm bank. They will remove the sperm aseptically and freeze it in liquid nitrogen. Should you with to concieve, all you need do is make a withdrawal.

Following this advice, you can have your children with the genetic makeup you desire, and you can avoid the noisy, sweaty, and altogether disgusting process of becoming impregnated in the old fashioned way. You can dispense with the gomer entirely and live your life happily with your children. You needn't live with someone who pisses all over the toilet and leaves hair in the shower.

Best wishes, and keep that bread knife honed,
MG

Ps. Good grief, Bridget! Don't you know that those new heavy duty rubbers are steel belted radials? Using acetone on them is about as effective as cleaning up a nuclear meltdown with a HandiWipe.

 

[Pookie]

B & M,

I greatly appreciate the advice. I went ahead and took Bridget's approach to solving my latest problem. However, I have saved a copy of your solution as well, M, for future consideration. I need to think about the implications of the approach you proposed. My only real problem with it deals with who will wash my clothes, dishes, vacuum, sweep, change diapers, feed the kids, etc. ... while I'm sunbathing all day by the pool.

Thanks again for your wonderful advice ... and this wonderful service you provide.


Pookie

ps. What is Christmas like in the slammer??? Not that I am considering DOING anything that would cause me to be in the slammer on a Christmas ... just a .... uhhh ... curiosity ... yeah ... a curiosity that I have as a writer that could come into use sometime in the near future.

 

[Guest]

So Happy!

Dear Pookie-

I'm so happy that our advice was profitable for you.

I would advise against any plans for long term visits to the penitentiary. While the women are most delightful to visit, they do tend to lack a certain joie de vivre, Pookie, that I would be sad to see you lose.

b

 

[pop_54]

Re: Re: Hello

Dear Arnold,

I think that your home environment may be limitting your aspirations in life. I encourage you to get out into the real world and experience life for yourself. You cannot continue to live vicariously through your siblings. Their accomplishments are not yours, nor are their shames.

What you need to do, Arnold, is see the world. You need to join Her Majesty is always looking for a few good men to help protect your country. The Royal Air Force or Her Majesty's Navy are just the ticket to a new life for you.

b

Dear bridget thank you for your concern.

It's all worked out Ok now though, such a relief, my brother's decided to support Manchester United football team, they are much nearer the top of the league table, not half as embarrassing.

Thank you again, Oh I tried to join the Forces and when they found out I was gay they really asked some very personal questions.

The guy said "well gay hey, bloody poofter hey, could you kill a man".

I said, "Hmm eventually".

Bye Arnold.................

 

[MathGirl]

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Here's a letter from a fan on the bounding main, wherever that is.

Dear M and B,

Call me "Johnny." I'm a 42 year old man with an established career, and ... oh, excuse me for a moment ... SHADDUP, COSGROVE, YE ARSEHOLE! Where was I? Oh, yes. I'm considering a rather drastic career change. It's really a life-changing decision, and I'm relying on you, dear M and B, to prevent me from making a monumental mistake. Oh, gosh .... ARRRR... STICK THAT FUCKER IN THE OTHER WAY, COSGROVE!! Pardon me.

You see, ever since I was a lad I've been a pirate. I've climbed the ladder of success in pirating, and I now have my own small fleet of ships and make a nice income. Lately, though, I find that my career satisfaction is declining. It's probably because of the new second mate, Cosg ............. GODDAM IT, COSGROVE, YOU'VE DONE IT BACKWARDS AGAIN!! ARRRR. See what I mean? The man's as dumb as a load of goats.

Anyway, I feel this might be the time to give up my career of rapin' and murderin' and do what I've always wanted to do. AWRIGHT, COSGROVE, DROP YER PANTS AND BEND OVER THAT FUCKING CANNON!! You see, I've always had a dream of being a pharmacist, and ... ARRRRR, MATEYS, TAKE TURNS CORHNOLIN' THE BARSTID!! if I'm ever going to make the career move I think now's the time. SAIL HO, COSGROVE, YE BLIND FUCKER. ARRRRRRR!!

I believe the pirating business has peaked out now, and I could get a good price for my ships, crew, accounts receivable, goodwill, and corporate logo. ARRRR .. JESUS CHRIST, COSGROVE! LEAVE THAT FUCKING PARROT ALONE!! I realize I would need to return to college for several years and that the course of study is rigorous, but I was always good with science at school. My question to you, dear M and B, is should I.......... Oh, no ... SHIVER ME TIMBERS, COSGROVE, LAY MORE SAIL ONTA THIS FUCKER. ARRRRR!! leave the type of work I know so well?

Oh, I'll miss the sacking of the odd city and making people walk the plank, but I've always wanted a profession where I could really use my people skills. COSGROVE, YOU DUMB SONOFABITCH. ARRRRR HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA FUCKIN' TELL YE?

I'll be looking forward to hearing your reply to my sincere request for your help. I feel the time is right for a move, but I won't do a thing Until I get your wise counsel. SET THE FUCKING MAINSAIL, COSGROVE! WE GOTTA CATCH THEM COCKSUCKERS!! ARRRRRR

Your faithful reader,
L.J.Silver
Ps. Shiver me timbers. Arrrrrrrrr.
_________________________________________

Dear LJS,

How exciting to consider changing careers at the peak of your professional
success! I am especially encouraged that you would be moving to a field
where you would be helping people. It seems from the tone of your letter
that you are rather burnt out on the people side of your profession and a
move to a fresh field would be just what the doctor ordered, so to speak.

I urge you to grab this opportunity fully and embark on your new profession
immendiately!

Best Wishes,
b
________________________________________

Dear Mr Silver,

Thank you for your nice letter. Now we're starting to zero in on the seemingly ubiquitous "Cosgrove." Before making a career change, please either hang Mr Cosgrove from the yardarm or pitch him over the side with anchor chain tied around his feet. The sooner that boil on the ass of humanity is shark food, the better.

I'm not sure a career change is appropriate for a man of your age. After all, you're at the top of your chosen profession, and you would be starting at the bottom if you became a pharmacist. Although you mention that you have "people skills," the transition may be difficult. Just think of the reaction the first time you leaned over the prescription counter and shouted, "ARRRRRR.. YER FUCKIN' PRESCRIPTION'S READY, FENSTERMACHER. YE TAKE THIS SHIT LIKE I TELL YA, OR I'LL CUT OUT YER FUCKIN' LIVER, YE OLD COCKSUCKER." Also the mental picture of you filling prescriptions with your pegleg and eyepatch is disconcerting. In addition, I don't believe parrots are allowed in dispensing areas.

On the other hand, your background may be an excellent preparation for a career as a pharmacist. The prices they charge certainly border on piracy.

As amazing as it may seem, I agree with a small percentage of what my colleague had to say. You are certainly burned out with piracy. Before making a decision you might regret, why not just take a vacation. I suggest sacking and pillaging a small tropical island. You could enslave the able bodied and feed the old timers to the sharks. Then settle down for a nice long vacation with your family and crew. Minus Mr Cosgrove, of course. Just take it easy and enjoy yourself for several weeks. After you're rested and rejuvenated, discuss the situation with Mrs Silver and make your decision.

All the best, Mr Silver. It's nice to hear from a successful man for a change. We get far too many whining wimps around here to suit me. Sorry, Bridget, I know they're your kind of people.

MG

 

[MathGirl]

Apologies

Dear Faithful Readers,

You may notice a delay in our replies for the next several days. Although I won't name names (It's Bridget), one of us will be involved in the unsavory pursuit of earning a living. While the other member of the team will strive mightily, responses may take longer than usual.

We regret this inconvenience, but be assured we will be doing our best to bring enlightenment and encouragement to those woeful souls our there who need us so badly.

MG