Give up Your Power

[A Desert Rose]

Also couched in that dialogue is *why* would the sub/slave wish to remain in that relationship long term once they realized that they were in fact controlling it?

This quote made me think...... I don't see the issue here. To me it's like walking a tight rope, (which I have never literally done.) It's about balance and trust.

The Man I am currently involved with understands how and desires to control and please me. I know that if I were not the person I am sexually, and in turn He were not who he is, this relationship would never have progressed as far as it has. I don't want to control and I give that over to him. He wants to control and appreciates what I have relinquished to him. So, it's a balance.

I trust that he will never use what I have handed over to him, to harm me.

Furthermore, in the current relationship I am in, I think it is safe to say that every sexual encounter is not a D/s "scene." ~smile~ There is nothing like when He rolls over in the morning, sleepy eyed, with a hardon and *connects* with me..... Now that is somthing I look forward to......

 

[artful]

Re: Re: Give up Your Power

God, there are so many things that I want to comment on in this thread, but I will start here!

The assumption up here is that a Dom/me does submit to dominate at their convenience. This is another dangerous trap that is easy to fall into when beginning the lifestyle as a Dom/me, even if it is not 24/7.

My sub is also my girlfriend. Our relationship began as a nilla relationship and as I introduced her to this lifestyle her enjoyment of it has increased with every passing day. There have been many threads about control, and who really has it, the Dom/me or the sub.

Up until the relationship begins, the sub has all of the control. Without their submission the Dom/me has nothing. Once submission has been given, the Dom/me then has the majority of the control. They have to have the control in order for the deepest forms of Domination and Submission to occur. If as a Dom I dominate at my subs convenience, then I am being topped from the bottom, period! A submissive wants and needs to submit to the desires of another. Even if she wants instant gratification and thinks she wants domination at her convenience, the sub will soon be bored exactly because it is at her convenience. And as a Dom, there are times when I do want to please my sub when she wants it because I do love her deeply and passionately! It can often be a struggle to not please them when they want to be dominated. But that is where self-control for the Dom/me becomes crucial.

The greatest pleasure a sub should get from BDSM is the pleasure of truly submitting. When I look into my subs face when she is experiencing this, she literally is glowing, and there is a light that shines from her face. My greatest pleasure from BDSM is not an orgasm, but enjoying that look of sheer happiness on my subs face after she has submitted well. This is the "magic" and this is why I choose this lifestyle. Without this element which I will call "the purity of a BDSM moment" it is just kinky sex to me, and as much as I love it, it is not enough for me.

But a strong Dom/me that does not succumb to providing their sub with instant gratification and chooses the more difficult path of withholding this from them will be rewarded with a better sub, a better relationship and a much stronger pychological bond with their sub.

Sorry for the long post SD. The topic and discussion motivated me.

Zip,...I just had to quote your entire post, I know I read it twice,...and being the kind of guy I am,...will make this attempt to require all to read it TWICE. My,...what insight, I wish I could have had the expertise to type out my thoughts as well as you do.

I will try to graft onto your "Tree of Knowledge", with one more little twig. Often, I have seen so many people get hung up on the issue of, who it is that has the control,...the Dom/me or the sub.

The control *should* be with the Dom/me,...period.
The sub should have absolutely no control over a scene, OR the relationship.

Did I say the sub has no rights, no input, no open and honest communication before either is entered into? No,...I didn't say that at all.

Did I say the sub should be powerless? Nope,...I didn't say that either. How people can be so darned confused over this, well,...it just boggles my mind. Control=control,...it is the directing of a scene or relationship, (as relates to BDSM).

Now power,...well, that is another word. The sub may, (or at least should be able to), stop the scene or sever the relationship at anytime. I relate this all to (SSC) BDSM activities.

Yes, the sub should always have the EQUAL power to stop the scene or end the relationship, but up until the time she/he decides to use that power she/he, should WILLINGLY submit.

Did I say there shouldn't be those times for open, honest communication,...discussion between the two or more involved,...without fear of punishment? No,...I didn't say that either.

What I did say in my ramblings, is that there should be no confusion about WHO should be in control. It's the Dom/me,...it always has been, ...and it always should be,...PERIOD.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[quietwillow]

love, giving up control, and life

This is such a good thread. It confirms my own belief that love and giving up control can indeed exist in a BDSM lifestyle.

It is amazing to me what my relationship has taught me about life and control and what is best for me. Here are a few of them:

1. It *is* better to give than recieve. I am not saying the submissive has to give and the Dom doesn't. What I am saying is that it is a much deeper relationship when both the Dom and the sub have the mindset of giving to one another. For us, this attitude leads to always thinking of each other when making a decision, whether it be for a scene or just for what you may want for dinner.

2. It is never just *one* partner's fault when something goes wrong in communication. Both partners must learn to clearly communicate and listen to one another.

3. Control is what I gave my Master, but this does not mean I have no right to voice my opinion, submit a want, or talk to Him freely about our life or just what I feel. The ebb and flow of control does drift from Him to me and back to Him at times but ultimately it is Him controlling the relationship.

4. The biggest (and hardest) lesson for me to learn was that sometimes Master wants me to learn a life lesson when He is taking me out of my comfort zone of submission and allowing me to grow both as a person and a sub. He is confident in His Dominance so He has no problem with giving me special times when I decide what to do that day or during a scene or whatever.

I did not mean to ramble so much

quiet

 

[Ebonyfire]

But not all of us..

change the nature (read dynamic) of our relationship from a conventional one to a D/s relationship. Not all of us want it that way. Some of us start with a D/s relationship as th eprimary relationship.

That means that a subimssive who over time uses "love" to control the Dominant, puts a very real strain on the truth of the relationship.

If in fact the submissive needs to be controlled, then it is in the best interest of the Dominant to keep the power exchange moving in the right direction or the magic will wane, both parties will get bored, and the Dom/me sub relationship with wither and die.

Love is a very effective manipulative tool. It might be a test. Does that mean there is no love? No it means that the Dominant is in control, and will not allow love to deter him/her from the goal, and effective D/s 24/7 TPE relationship. The relationship that is truth.

Ebony

 

[quietwillow]

Re: But not all of us..

change the nature (read dynamic) of our relationship from a conventional one to a D/s relationship. Not all of us want it that way. Some of us start with a D/s relationship as th eprimary relationship.

That means that a subimssive who over time uses "love" to control the Dominant, puts a very real strain on the truth of the relationship.

If in fact the submissive needs to be controlled, then it is in the best interest of the Dominant to keep the power exchange moving in the right direction or the magic will wane, both parties will get bored, and the Dom/me sub relationship with wither and die.

Love is a very effective manipulative tool. It might be a test. Does that mean there is no love? No it means that the Dominant is in control, and will not allow love to deter him/her from the goal, and effective D/s 24/7 TPE relationship. The relationship that is truth.

Ebony

I agree with You Ebonyfire Ma'am. Master and I started our relationship out as friends and gradually became a D/s relationship. That our relationship has changed in that we did decide we were in love and got married does not negate the ultimate fact that ours is a D/s 24/7 relationship! As a matter of fact, He made sure and still does make sure on a daily basis that I know our respective roles.

If I tried to manipulate Him with "love" (or anything for that matter) I would be reprimanded and punished. This subbie girl knows better!

trembling at the thought of such a thing!

quiet

 

[Moyds_jewel]

Control, love, and other surprises

This recent lurker is moved to post...

First, I find this an intriguing thread with numerous wonderful insights.

Second, since discovering this BB, I feel it's safe to say that Dominance and submission is a continuum. Clearly, there are levels of control and submission in this community and no two relationships are exactly alike <well, duh. welcome to life, right?>

Third, I am a submissive; it is as integral and immutable to who I am as the color of my skin or my size 9 feet. I naively thought that what I would find with a Dominant would be satisfaction in pleasing him, self-completion <finally!> and <grins> lotsa sexual pleasure.

What I did NOT expect to find, was love. Love for my Master blind-sided me <dare I say...cold-cocked me?...ok, I daren't>.

My love for my Master does not change the fact that pleasing him gives me the purest joy. My love for Sir does not change the fact that I still need and want to submit to his control. My love for Sir does not mean I no longer expect to be disciplined or punished as He sees fit. His love for me, he assures me, does not mean he will soften in his responsibilities as my Dominant.

I am a submissive whose greatest pleasure is in pleasing my beloved Sir.

Fourth, recent studies have shown that in primate communities, the perceived absence of a dominant will lead a previous submissive to become dominant. It's a genetic fail-safe. I would like to submit <pun intended> to the forum that we humans are subject to this genetic programming as well and that some submissives - in the perceived absence of domination - will seek to dominate...<food for thought>

Fifth, my thanks to all who have posted such insights on this thread.

It is my delight and honor to be His submissive.

<jewel>

 

[MissTaken]

Welcome to the boards, Myods_Jewel.

What a wonderful post.

Thank you

 

[navarre]

<snip can you be happy giving up the BDSM for love? Giving up the love for BDSM?>

An emphatic NO.
It doesn't work that way.
I know.

 

[redelicious]

Re: Control, love, and other surprises

[SNIP]
Fourth, recent studies have shown that in primate communities, the perceived absence of a dominant will lead a previous submissive to become dominant. It's a genetic fail-safe. I would like to submit <pun intended> to the forum that we humans are subject to this genetic programming as well and that some submissives - in the perceived absence of domination - will seek to dominate...<food for thought>


[SNIP]

Ugh...I think I am human proof of that. It's a great source of chaos for me.

I found the whole of your post very meaningful, and I apologize for the snips.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Because I simply cannot look at another thread with post after post with My av all lined up in a row of responses I am going to do a 1 post response to all that have added to this thread in My absense.
First and foremost I thank each of Y/you for looking inside of yourselves for the answers that fit your realities.
It may occassionally appear that I throw these thoughts out randomly with no prethought. That is never the case!
It is the depth of our own needs that FIRST brought the fantasy of BDSM into our minds that I come back to. It is the depth of need that caused us to learn as much as we could about this lifestyle until it became a passion of its own.
Very few begin their internal search with love in mind but the magic of love when it is coupled with the D/s partner of choice may become the ultimate add on goal.
Personally I would never *rob* My toy of My Domination simply because our D/s life has also become an incredible love story. The love between us intensifies My Domination and his submission.
We have many silly cuddly moments of laughter and foolishness but when it is time for order and structure we both know who is responsible for bring our D/s equasion back to focus, and who is responsible to obey that structure.
I am always pleasantly amazed at the beauty, openess and honesty you all show to Me in My conversations.

 

[justgem]

.

 

[justgem]

.

 

[Moyd]

Greetings

Myself and jewel are new here to the boards, and I want to thank you all in advance for allowing us the ability to voice our thoughts, insights and feelings with you.

Let me start by saying that, although I tend to stand atop my soap box and preach about D/s relationships in chat rooms to new submissives and those who are curious but ill informed, I'll spare everyone and make this short and sweet ( much to your relieve I'm sure ... lol ).

Can love exist in a D/s relationship? In my opion, yes of course. Does it mean that power is either lost or gained by either party? Well, that depends on the parties involved. As in all relationships, D/s or otherwise, no two are the same. Constant communication between Dom/me and submissive is key to be sure that the relationship is where both think it should be. If this is being done on a regular basis to begin with ... love ... should be just a natural progression of the relationship.

The love I feel for my jewel only serves to see her needs as a submissive in a clearer light, allowing me to better give her what she seeks. Which is the least I could do for her, for her gift of submission to me is one of the most treasured and trusting offerings I have ever had the pleasure of receiving.

I am still the same Master she submitted to, as she is still the same submissive I claimed as my own that day. Our relationship and love for one another changes every day though. I am glad it does, because we are stronger as a couple today than on that day, due to our love. I am proud she is mine.

Thats it for now. Thank you all for your time.

Until next time,
Moyd

 

[Grvdigger]

a short thought

I have read through this thread and great things have been said by A/all. My comment is going to be very short. I have always found that love strengthens and binds things tighter. That is it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Control, love, and other surprises

I would like to submit <pun intended> to the forum that we humans are subject to this genetic programming as well and that some submissives - in the perceived absence of domination - will seek to dominate...<food for thought>

Welcome to the Forum, jewel.


A thoughtful, insightful post.

Piggybacking,

It is also possible, that the "submissive" is not really a submissive at all, but a bottom or even a manipulative person who is out to get that they want (sex), hell or high water.

Both are possible, and both look the same on the surface, but over time, the truth emerges.

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

Personally I would never *rob* My toy of My Domination simply because our D/s life has also become an incredible love story. The love between us intensifies My Domination and his submission.

I am in total agreement with you here.

Ebony

 

[maddi]

I am new here also but would like to say that as a submissive in a loving relationship I find that I sometimes crave more dominance on the part of my master/husband. We have a family which makes the 24/7 type D/s relationship impossible right now but I agree with many of the prior posts that as a sub we are inherently looking for our D's to control for real.

I have given my master/husband power over me because I love him and trust him with my life. Without that Love I could never comfortably have even the small D/s lifestyle we practice now. On my master/husbands part I feel that is his love for me that causes him to pause in his role. Over time and many conversations I keep reminding him that whatever he does will be fine and If it is too intense I will let him know.

I guess if I wanted to play with my master/husband I would ask for a game of tennis, or whatever. But what I really want is for him to make clear, and structured demands that I can feel (like many other have stated) proud to have accomplished for him acceptably.

I hope this isn't too off topic - This is a great thread.

Maddi

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am new here also but would like to say that as a submissive in a loving relationship I find that I sometimes crave more dominance on the part of my master/husband. We have a family which makes the 24/7 type D/s relationship impossible right now but I agree with many of the prior posts that as a sub we are inherently looking for our D's to control for real.

I have given my master/husband power over me because I love him and trust him with my life. Without that Love I could never comfortably have even the small D/s lifestyle we practice now. On my master/husbands part I feel that is his love for me that causes him to pause in his role. Over time and many conversations I keep reminding him that whatever he does will be fine and If it is too intense I will let him know.

I guess if I wanted to play with my master/husband I would ask for a game of tennis, or whatever. But what I really want is for him to make clear, and structured demands that I can feel (like many other have stated) proud to have accomplished for him acceptably.

I hope this isn't too off topic - This is a great thread.

Maddi

Welcome to this forum, and thanks for sharing your experience with us.

Eb

 

[Moyds_jewel]

..other surprises

my thanks to A/all who have welcomed me here.

And to my Master:
I am yours. Always. All ways..


<jewel>

 

[Ishmael]

Good thread

My thoughts.

Who has control? :

To my mind, both parties do in a safe and fulfilling relationship. Love or play. The bottom must consent. That, in and of itself, is a source of power, isn't it? The code words. Invoking of a code word, red coming to mind, is the use of power. Just as green is. Yes, there is a power tansference, but that transference is within certain parameters, mutually agreed upon, and ultimately decided by the bottom.

This is not a bad thing. But if dwelled upon by either party it can destroy the balance of the relationship.

Where does the control end? :

If the relationship has moved into a true partnership, then these lines are determined by the parties involved. There is a proportional relationship of power assumption to individual strengths. It far more important to know yourself first, then know your partner at this point.

Personally I don't want to be in a relationship that demands I control 100%. I have other interests and I don't want to be bothered with mundane decisions. Others are of a different opinion.

What about slaves? :

The ancient Romans feared their slaves. And were well aware of just how much power the slaves had. And they had true life or death power. In a relationship such as this, if the Top doesn't realize this fact there will be problems.

The balance. :

In an ongoing relationship there is a continuing transfer of power back and forth. Not necessarily 50/50, but a transfer none the less. Successful partnerships find that level of power transfer that they are comfortable with and maintain it. It appears to me that the problems begin where there is a misallignment of this threshold and/or one partner begins to trespass on the others territory.

My opinion.

Ishmael

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Good thread

Personally I don't want to be in a relationship that demands I control 100%. I have other interests and I don't want to be bothered with mundane decisions. Others are of a different opinion.

I swear I am not picking on you, but your points are so meaty, they are giving me ideas for threads.

This statement got me to thinking about things. You have not been the first person (recently & in the past) to say this. So, I have started a thread about the perception of 100% control.

I hope you will check it out.

Eb

 

[Ishmael]

Re: Re: Good thread

I swear I am not picking on you, but your points are so meaty, they are giving me ideas for threads.

This statement got me to thinking about things. You have not been the first person (recently & in the past) to say this. So, I have started a thread about the perception of 100% control.

I hope you will check it out.

Eb

I don't feel picked on at all. Just because you'd like to, doesn't mean that you can.

Ishmael

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Good thread

I don't feel picked on at all. Just because you'd like to, doesn't mean that you can.

Ishmael

Actually I do would not like to. I do not know you.

Eb

 

[Ishmael]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Good thread

Actually I do would not like to. I do not know you.

Eb

No levity at all. Very well.

Ishmael

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Good thread

No levity at all. Very well.

Ishmael

I could not tell that was a joke. I do not know you well enough.

Eb