Has dissatisfaction with 'nilla sex ever driven you to celibacy?

[cymbidia]

Of course i'll answer your questions, Frank.

To begin with, regardless of appearances, i'm really very selective with regard to who i let touch me. I'm long past the time in my life when sex was such a wonderful new toy that i had to take it out and show it off to everyone, you know?

1. I know what i need from intimate, sexual touching.

2. I do not, anymore, go into any kinda sexual and/or emotionally open adult relationship with anyone who isn't my complement: who isn't a focused centered Dominant to my focused centered submissive.

Therefore, i'd never find myself in a petting/oral sex (even just for me, something that's patently ridiculous in my life since i find giving oral sex to be incredibly unreally enormously arousing and would never ever EVER be content in a situation where i was just getting it) situation with someone unless s/he and i were already well past the initial stages of finding out who were going to be to each other.

However, there's another side to your query:

I really don't know what this is all about.
And I am trying to discover for myself if any of this new lifestyle
has a place in my life. Please help me on this.

I can help you with this, Frank.

You need to do a bunch of reading.

You need to peruse some possibly new-to-you ideas of how to releate to another person in a way that you may never have considered before - and you need to do it with your eyes and your heart. You need to do this to be honest with yourself about your ill-formed wonderings, and you need it to determine if there is anything in this whole huge chaotic incredibly complex bal of wax we call BDSM sexuality that pulls at your soul and demands to know more...more...more about that thing there, that part of it...oh gods...that is what i need...

You have to do it.

No one can give you the answers and it's not because we won't or because we're some secret club and you don't belong yet. It's because the only answers that have a hope of being valid in your life have to come from inside your brain and body - and those answers are different for all of us.

So read.

Come back here with specific questions.

Does this help?

 

[petrel]

Go Doctor. I actually started BDSM to start feeling something again. I don't know if it is really therapy but it certainly helped me.

me too - I can get very wrapped up in what I do (non BDSM) and I think partly due to this and partly due to a bad period in my teens and early twenties regarding my body image, I get divorced from my body.
'nilla sex often isn't enough to bring me back. I crave that intensity of feeling that means you cannot ignore your body and the physical sensations, you cannot live inside your head - in fact you cannot even try to remian detached and intellectualise the situation. To put it bluntly, your head is completely fucked, to the point that all you can think and feel is the raw physical sensation coursing through your body. To feel alive and aware in every pore, every nerve ending, every inch of skin - thats why I play BDSM


- and some of what you said too blue,

yes I have been celibate (short period) due to dissatisfaction with 'nilla sex. and I have certainly steered away form commited relatiosnhips in the past due to this feeling of dissatisfaction. I used to think that my desires in the sexual field were similar to my desire to live in a fantasy world (sword and sorcery post tolkien) - great fun, wistful dreams and a vague sense of loss that it could never be reality.

I am VERY glad I found someone who enabled me to explore and prove I was wrong - and I have to say that the explosion of the internet into my life (and then Literotica) was an enormous help too.

Its marvellous when you finally get there, one day turning around and seeing others asking your advice, you've suddenly grasped the headspace, the issues, the codes that surround it all and it is now (and always will be) part of your life and personality.

 

[DRxBlue]

Damn...this is such a great place *serious mist around the ocular area*

This is turning out to be so much better than i'd even hoped.

cym, you really nailed it with this:

'nilla emotional/sexual relationships <snip> leave my brain stone cold soberly unaroused. Since sex starts in the brain, and i can't do a good enough job of pretending to get past that barrier...

...why bother with something that is not going to do it for me - and i know that going in? How stupid would i be to even start something like that, knowing what i need and must have in a relationship, and knowing the other person does not have it and is not interested in acquiring it?

Word for word the thought in my mind when i started this thread. i know that you and Risia and i covered this a bit when i first found you people. Yet, i had a nagging suspicion that more people had come to the same conclusions.

For me the big problem was that i had NO idea that there were so many other possibilities. i thought i'd just have to go for the rest of my life wishing i could want something again.

Now, with eyes and heart open again, i have hope. i'm actually beginning to define kinky sexual interests. This is major progress!

i hope that sharing my realization of BDSM interest will remind you of how much better off you are knowing what you're missing. Even if you can't get it.

Not knowing, yet missing it anyway, was ...... fuckin'awful

 

[KestralWolfe]

Yes it has...I was getting all hot and bothered, and then....nothing. I'd be in some amazingly beutiful woman's arms, and just....nothing. My fantasies usually contained some BDSM-related qualities....

For a while, all my sex had BDSM elements...unless those elements were there, it just didn't work...didn't feel right. Right now, I'm married, and we're just 'nila together...and it's quite satisfying. I also have my BDSM life (he's so totally supportive), and at the moment searching for a good boi-sub for a long-term live in Ds relationship. I don't know why I've changed so drastically in only 10 years (nilla->BDSM only->both) but it feels great.

(I'm sure this post could have been better, but I have been sick, and still have a fever )

Be well, be safe, be happy,
KW

 

[RisiaSkye]

me too - I can get very wrapped up in what I do (non BDSM) and I think partly due to this and partly due to a bad period in my teens and early twenties regarding my body image, I get divorced from my body.
'nilla sex often isn't enough to bring me back. I crave that intensity of feeling that means you cannot ignore your body and the physical sensations, you cannot live inside your head - in fact you cannot even try to remian detached and intellectualise the situation. To put it bluntly, your head is completely fucked, to the point that all you can think and feel is the raw physical sensation coursing through your body. To feel alive and aware in every pore, every nerve ending, every inch of skin - thats why I play BDSM

That about sums it up for me too, petrel.

I've never really had even the opportunity to enter a period of celibacy, so I come to this from a somewhat different perspective. I was sexually assaulted pretty young, and I did something pretty typical of people in similar situations--I decided it meant that I was a damaged and dirty slut and should live accordingly. Despite repeated attempts with increasingly inappropriate men and women, all that sexual contact (though there was precious little intercourse) just didn't really *do* it for me--and I thought it was because I had been damaged and was defective, and that the only solution was just to pretend it wasn't the case. I thought if I pretended that I was having a good time, nobody would know that I was broken; at the time, I thought I was protecting myself from some sort of inevitable loneliness by living this deception.

Then, when I was fifteen or sixteen, I got involved with someone who taught me otherwise. He was in many ways not a good man; I was in many ways no good for him either. However, I'll always have a soft spot for him in my heart, because he was the first (after plenty of others had tried) to actually make my heart race in that telling way...the first person to get body and mind together in the same place at the same time, and in a sexually exciting way. Before him, I'd read books and had fantasies--there's a whole history there that I won't bore you with--but I thought it was just because *I* was a freak, not because other people actually lived and loved that way.

I've read so much talking about BDSM as stagy or uncomfortably role-play taken to an extreme. For me, that's never been the case. Before I found that mixed blessing of a bisexual actor, I felt like I play-acted the role I was supposed to play--the reluctantly willing nice-girl. With him, I felt free to be something else entirely.
That was more than ten years ago, and I'll never go back.

I guess what I'm saying is that you don't have to stop having sex to feel quite sincerely, like a celibate.

Kestral: I hope you're feeling better. ~~

 

[DRxBlue]

Thank you, Risia

What a different perspective! i have heard from a few of the "exotic dancers" i've known, (there are quite a number i consider very dear friends) that although they have very active sex lives, they could identify perfectly with my celibacy.

The point they made was that sex you don't care about, doesn't make you any less lonely. You just have a little company in your misery.

For me, i would have been much more miserable if i hadn't had my solitude, so i chose the path i did.

Once again you've taken my breath away with the astonishing depths hidden inside you. You never fail to broaden my horizons.

Blessed Be,

Blue

 

[BlondGirl]

This makes me think of my response to a date with a gentleman who, on the date, reveals that he has a foot fetish or likes diaper play.

Total revulsion.

I know it is not my thing and that I will never ever be able to incorporate that in my play.

Not really much different than my response would be if the guy reavealed he was a drug dealer. It is not my thing, I would be repelled, and he'd be out of the game immediately, so to speak.

There are so many things that I look for in a partner, kink is just one of them--and most of my desires can be adjusted to match my partner, if he is worthy.

But not all.

Just my Sunday morning musings--time to be a good girl and get dressed for church.

 

[petrel]

Re: Thank you, Risia

What a different perspective! i have heard from a few of the "exotic dancers" i've known, (there are quite a number i consider very dear friends) that although they have very active sex lives, they could identify perfectly with my celibacy.

The point they made was that sex you don't care about, doesn't make you any less lonely. You just have a little company in your misery.

and just becasue you are not having sex (intercourse) doesn't mean you are celibate. I lived for a year in a relationship where we never had sex but it was the most sexualised relationship I have ever had. I certainly didn't consider myself celibate during that period and although a large part of me now wants to slowly torture the person concerned for playing such head games with me, another part want to thank them becasue it was through these power games and shifts that I began to realise what I had been missing and that there was hope for my desires (wierd though they are) to be fulfilled.
In that relationship, with its minimal physical contact of any type I felt more alive, more aroused, more connected to my body than in any previous relationship when I did 'get laid'

It also introduced me to the 'real' concept of dom and sub - although I still didn't know the words for what they were making me feel,

 

[Quint]

My sojourn into BDSM was parallel to my general sexual growth; it happened in approximately the same time period, and I was at the approximate same level of maturity. So it isn't through the "novelty" of it that I am affected in BDSM's favor.

I find myself spacing out in a bad way in occasional nilla sessions, and I really don't like myself when that happens. BDSM pulls me into the moment and holds me there much more firmly. This bothers me, because I am not Cymbidia. My relationship is vanilla swirl for the most part, and I'm not interested in either finding a different partner or excluding the greater part of our life to give full attention to my sub side. And yet, the spacing out bothers me and turns me off to sex (or am I turned off to sex, which causes me to space out?).

I tried an experiment a few weeks before Hanukkah last year: every week, we'd switch sexual dominance, in a way. For that week, the person would be able to say how and how often they wanted sex, and no complaining or naysaying was allowed. Obviously, I had a lot of trust in him and his concern for my limits; his sex drive is quite a bit higher than mine. What I discovered is that within this level of powerplay, I was generally randier than I tend to be. (I haven't really wanted to continue this practice after winter break.) Was it because of its non-nilla-ness? I haven't decided, but I think that's the main reason.

I do know this: if he weren't interested in BDSM ever, I might not even be with him. I definitely wouldn't have a very active sex life, and I would be terribly discontent. Whenever I WAS celibate, through vacations or the like, BDSM was always the sex I craved. I hope that answered some of the question, at some point. Off to the obscurity of real life again!

 

[cymbidia]

I find myself spacing out in a bad way in occasional nilla sessions, and I really don't like myself when that happens. BDSM pulls me into the moment and holds me there much more firmly. This bothers me, because I am not Cymbidia. My relationship is vanilla swirl for the most part, and I'm not interested in either finding a different partner or excluding the greater part of our life to give full attention to my sub side. And yet, the spacing out bothers me and turns me off to sex (or am I turned off to sex, which causes me to space out?).

Quint honey sweetie lovey pie? What the heck are you talking about here?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Evil, Wicked, Mean, and Nasty

Fuck-you-and-the-horse-you-rode-in-on bump.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Bump acknowledged.

The question that should be asked more often is: Has emotionless sex ever lead you to celibacy? I believe the answer is in the question.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Great thread to bump, AA - thanks! Some really good posts there, and some very interesting thoughts to ponder.

 

[Bandit58]

Bump acknowledged.

The question that should be asked more often is: Has emotionless sex ever lead you to celibacy? I believe the answer is in the question.

During my marriage I often wished it could have.....I lost all desire for sex and could quite cheerfully have gone without it forever I remember thinking if this is all there is, I may as well forget it, it's doing nothing for me. Until in my early 40s I discovered the internet and some new friends online who basically "woke me up" and showed me that there was much more to life than what I'd had up until then. The last couple of years have been quite a journey, with still more to discover.....

 

[bluntforcemama]

During my marriage I often wished it could have.....I lost all desire for sex and could quite cheerfully have gone without it forever I remember thinking if this is all there is, I may as well forget it, it's doing nothing for me. Until in my early 40s I discovered the internet and some new friends online who basically "woke me up" and showed me that there was much more to life than what I'd had up until then. The last couple of years have been quite a journey, with still more to discover.....

Many of us can sympathize with your past, and relate with "waking up." I'm glad to hear that you have embarked on a new journey and are enjoying it immensely. Nothing is quite as exciting as discovering life while you discover yourself.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Great thread to bump, AA - thanks! Some really good posts there, and some very interesting thoughts to ponder.

Quite welcome. It's truly amazing what kind of material you can find in this forum if you spend 15 minutes searching rather than 15 minutes typing.

 

[Princessintrng]

During my marriage I often wished it could have.....I lost all desire for sex and could quite cheerfully have gone without it forever I remember thinking if this is all there is, I may as well forget it, it's doing nothing for me. Until in my early 40s I discovered the internet and some new friends online who basically "woke me up" and showed me that there was much more to life than what I'd had up until then. The last couple of years have been quite a journey, with still more to discover.....

I thought I was sleep posting when I read this Bandit, you summed up my 14 year marriage and the 9 years I've been divorced with this post. I have met some wonderful people and learned so much about myself and what my wants and needs are in a relationship but more importantly I've learned that I would rather be on my own, then to be back in a nilla relationship.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to say vanilla sex was good at times, but always seemed there was something missing which eventually led me to just not bothering and putting that energy into finding what I really needed and hungered for. I haven't looked back since and find it is just a distant memory that doesn't have to be lived out anymore.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

My sex life was actually great.

It was the psychosexual need for being a Top that drove me out of my relationship. I was getting laid well, sensuously, and lots.

But that's not enough for me, that's not the issue.

 

[h_i_s]

Yes. November of 2003, i left a five year relationship (vanilla) after 2 years of boring to sporatic/almost-non-existant sexual relations and then 3 years of 'ugh... don't-even-bother' celibacy/masturbation.

Now am in a wonderful D/s relationship and collared/owned by a phenominally loving Master ( ) ... who can't seem to get enough.

¸,ø¤º°sinn0cent1°º¤ø,¸ (proudly owned by, and devoted to INSIDEYOURMIND)

 

[garylee]

bored sex?

yes!.........it IS why i chose since 10/2001 to stay celebate...because i was bored.
"I" have tried...all my life,.....to find a girlfriend or one of my 3 wives,...to satisfy me......but it never happened.

so now.....even though i belong to Mistress.....i am mainly a domestics slave.......there is no mention in O/our oral agreement about ANYTHING to do with sex.......

so yes.....my vanilla life drove me over the edge.

garylee

 

[rosco rathbone]

Since DXR whatshisname is no longer here, i feel free to opine that the dude has an utterly creepy baldhead-mullet. The only thing that would make him more pervy looking would be a fu manchu mustache. Men: once the hairline goes north of 0 degree latitude, mow the tropics, please.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Since DXR whatshisname is no longer here

Damn Gaston

Do you think that drove his mate, and him by proxy, to celibacy?

If so, no wonder high and tight has come back into vogue.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I am all for intentional creepiness: after all, I wear flip-up clip-on dark lenses on my regular seeing-eye glasses.....


Anyway, yes: frustration with all sex, perverse and un-; and with fee males in general, has driven me to celibacy more than once, or more precisely to auto-sexuality.

 

[superlittlegirl]

It's kind of weird, revisiting this thread two and a half years after my initial response. I feel exactly the same way as I did when I replied so long ago. Strangely enough, I put my active interest in BDSM on the back burner until just a couple of months ago. What happened to make me revisit my interest?

I've become immersed in a thing with a devastatingly sexy Daddy-type dominant. I say thing because we're not actually dating, and neither of us are particularly thrilled about the idea of monogamy, but we're spending an enormous amount of time together. And I'm really enjoying myself, but I was quite unprepared for the intensity of emotions that would accompany this style of consort.

The constant theme of power exchange is with us, whether we're actively playing or not. I am aware of it like I'm aware of my physiological response his physical presence; it's a palpable shift.

It's kind of unsettling. I've almost always been able to approach sex with a cavalier attitude; I can't do that with this. I've almost always felt in control in sexual scenarios in the past, even when I intentionally offered myself up for objectification, because I was the provider of pleasure by offering my body, or by doing the sex act itself. I'm still a very headstrong woman sexually-- I am far from the ideal submissive because I like to work collaboratively toward my pleasure (probably sometimes when he'd rather I just relax, but I can't be perfect) but I am finding deep comfort in having much less sayso than I usually would.

It hurts so much. I'm not talking about the hairpulling, the spanking, the biting or the occasional deep bruise. I'm talking about the emotional ache of being made to be exposed. It hurts to feel so much. And it feels so good, too.

I am attracted to BDSM not only because I like the inherent drama, the pageantry and the aesthetic, but because I am wildly attracted to the idea that BDSM relationships revolve (and evolve) around solid communication.

<snip>

And, physically, BDSM does it for me. In my extremely limited experience with it, I felt pinnacles of sensation (not orgasmic, but different) that did feel more like actual FEELING than the fleeting, transient nature of orgasm. I am not placing one above the other, but ultimately I'd like to be in a situation that could include both, as I believe that both states would be mutually enhancing.