High libido wife with low libido husband.

[philos]

A wife came home and found her husband in bed with another woman. Before she could storm out he told her, "Wait, let me explain!" "I met this poor girl on the sidewalk and she had broken her shoe." "I explained to her that you had lots of shoes that you weren't using so I brought her home and gave her a pair you stopped wearing." "Then I noticed her pants had a tear in them so I gave her a pair that you stopped using." "Then I noticed her shirt had a stain so I gave her one of yours that you stopped using." "Before she left she asked if there was anything else you stopped using."

 

[Annabell4you]

I'm generally optimistic about most things, but I really wouldn't expect him to change very much. I hate to sound pessimistic, but it may be easier to accept it now, rather than to build resentment if you keep hoping and waiting for him to change. The worst stories that I've read at ivillage are the ones where the spouse lives in denial for years, and finally sees the reality after they have children. By then, they are bitter and resentful and feel trapped in the relationship because of their commitment to their children. You may need to decide now whether you can happily accept this as your relationship, or whether it would be best to cut your losses and move on.

This is me... You just said my 15 year marriage in those few sentences... Undesirable, is how it feels when they dont want sex much...

Annabell

 

[bone251]

Yup. Been there. Got the t shirt.
The advice post in this thread is good but only to the point the one who does not want sex is willing to be helped.
Then I find myself still in the marriage just because I don't want to leave......my daughter.
There is a long story of why sex failed. Seems my compassion only enabled the problem.
If you keep a man in the doghouse you will soon find him in the cathouse. Yup with the internet I have found the passion I need.
The future. Not sure. Do I divorce or keep the secret life?

 

[twister947]

I've been married over 40 years. Fifteen years ago my wife lost all interest in sex. We talked endlessly, saw doctors and counselors but nothing changed. The problem is part medical and part psychological. It became obvious that nothing could rekindle what we once had between us. About 5 years ago I decided that just because she was starving herself ,didn't mean I had to stop eating too. I began looking for a woman in a situation similar to mine who wanted passion back in her life. I found that woman several years ago and both of us are much happier people now. I'm very discreet and keep this part of my life to myself, but its added a whole new perspective to my life. Its not perfect, but its a big improvement over what I had before.

This.

We each control our own sex lives, and one's decision to opt out does not, or should not, have the effect of ending his/her partner's sex life. It's only cheating if you're giving something your mate wants to someone else.

 

[settledseas]

A wife came home and found her husband in bed with another woman. Before she could storm out he told her, "Wait, let me explain!" "I met this poor girl on the sidewalk and she had broken her shoe." "I explained to her that you had lots of shoes that you weren't using so I brought her home and gave her a pair you stopped wearing." "Then I noticed her pants had a tear in them so I gave her a pair that you stopped using." "Then I noticed her shirt had a stain so I gave her one of yours that you stopped using." "Before she left she asked if there was anything else you stopped using."

priceless . . . . .!!

 

[mc4d2150]

I think you actually stated the problem yourself .... lack of ability for both of you to have a really good discussion about the issue.

Good, open communication does not come naturally to most of us. I know I had to learn & that included learning and accepting that to be really authentic with my partner, I had to accept that I would be making myself vulnerable. &, I had to learn to 'trust' my partner ...

Once a lot of 'stuff' got out there & we weren't afraid of hurting or being hurt, then progress was made. It wasn't pretty; it was scary, but once we were on the right road as it were, it was a huge relief.

I was fortunate to be invited by a good friend to explore the HAI workshops .... www.HAI.org ..... worked wonders for me!

 

[Stormygale]

I feel the same way . . . .

I am in the same situation--husband doesn't want sex at all, and I feel like that's all I think about. I'm not willing to leave him (for a variety of reasons), have used the toys (hello--yum) and even tried the lover thing (felt so damn guilty). I've excepted that my marriage is sexless--he does have medical issues, but is unwilling to deal with it. My way of dealing with it was to eat gallons of ice cream and now I'm not feeling happy about myself.

That being said--I am back to considering finding a man in the same situation I'm in. I really miss sex. I don't want to ruin anyone else's marriage, but don't really know how to put the vibe out there to men that I want to pursue a sexual relationship. Craigslist is out. Any ideas?

 

[philos]

If I had any ideas they'd be bad ones. Other than offering sympathy and telling you I'm in the same boat, I have nothing to offer. I'm at the point that I'm envious of the pets because she shows them more affection than she shows me.

 

[geartaker]

I used steroids heavy and very unwisely in high school . A couple of years ago I noticed my want wasn't like it use to be. Which worried me because our sex life went from 5 to 6 times a week to like once or twice a month. Which was followed by her thinking she couldn't turn me on and I was not attracted her any more. Then she thought I was cheating on her. I went to my Dr. and let him know what was going on and told him about my steroid use we he asked. He ran labs and found out my testosterone was very low due to not cycling correctly and not doing any PCT
. He gave me a scrip for test and about 3 to 4 weeks later I was back were I left off.

 

[Annabell4you]

I used steroids heavy and very unwisely in high school . A couple of years ago I noticed my want wasn't like it use to be. Which worried me because our sex life went from 5 to 6 times a week to like once or twice a month. Which was followed by her thinking she couldn't turn me on and I was not attracted her any more. Then she thought I was cheating on her. I went to my Dr. and let him know what was going on and told him about my steroid use we he asked. He ran labs and found out my testosterone was very low due to not cycling correctly and not doing any PCT
. He gave me a scrip for test and about 3 to 4 weeks later I was back were I left off.

i can only hope when my husband goes in, he will find out what tou did and be back to normal. I feel the way your wife did...

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Wow! I thought I was the only one! Really! I haven't read the book you mentioned but I was thinking I could probably write it.
I've stated my story before... sex waned, became vanilla, waned more, and then became non-existent. I wound up on the internet and bumped into someone I didn't need to speak with, but did. It started out innocently, he told me to try this and that with my husband so that we could rekindle our relationship, but ended up not innocent at all. (Yes, I realize that I should not have said anything to him, I was very upset and not sure what to do. I was not thinking rationally at all at the time.) Who was I to argue with him, he had been the most inventive and satisfying sexual partner I had ever been with (many years prior).
don't recommend the path I traveled. It is full of heartache and distrust. We separated because I didn't think we could ever move past that situation and I didn't think things would ever change. We had enough talks about it all over the years, and if history repeats itself, nothing changes if nothing changes.
If high blood pressure or diabetes are apparent in your husband's family, then he should be checked for both. Probably a good idea to be checked regardless. Also, the mention of checking testosterone levels is very good.
Good luck to you. I hope your answer has a better ending than mine.

 

[Nysalesman37]

swtrthnhoney

Wow! I thought I was the only one! Really! I haven't read the book you mentioned but I was thinking I could probably write it.
I've stated my story before... sex waned, became vanilla, waned more, and then became non-existent. I wound up on the internet and bumped into someone I didn't need to speak with, but did. It started out innocently, he told me to try this and that with my husband so that we could rekindle our relationship, but ended up not innocent at all. (Yes, I realize that I should not have said anything to him, I was very upset and not sure what to do. I was not thinking rationally at all at the time.) Who was I to argue with him, he had been the most inventive and satisfying sexual partner I had ever been with (many years prior).
don't recommend the path I traveled. It is full of heartache and distrust. We separated because I didn't think we could ever move past that situation and I didn't think things would ever change. We had enough talks about it all over the years, and if history repeats itself, nothing changes if nothing changes.
If high blood pressure or diabetes are apparent in your husband's family, then he should be checked for both. Probably a good idea to be checked regardless. Also, the mention of checking testosterone levels is very good.
Good luck to you. I hope your answer has a better ending than mine.

your PMs are off..how can i reach you?

 

[Hypoxia]

High libido Husband and Wife with low libido?

Don't go Baptist on us.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

WWW - forgive me, not trying to be insulting, but there is another possibility and I’m mentioning it just in case.

Some men, especially men with borderline libidos, can simply get bored with sex-as-it-always-happens. If sex is just routine, Insert-Tab-A-into-Slot-B sex, that might be one reason for a man’s lack of interest. Women in such a situation can sometimes improve things by, shall we say, upping their game, getting a bit daring.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

There was a cable show years ago, damned if I can remember the name of it, but it did several episodes about mismatched libidos. One thing they did with couples was a refrigerator magnet horniness index. Each person had two magnets color coded, one for the morning and the other after returning from work. You put your magnet high or low on the refrigerator to indicate your level of horniness.

We tried it and in our case, we found out that she was horny in the morning and I was horny at night. We also found out that work had a nasty habit of turning both of our libidos off. We would both start the week much hornier then we did at the end. So we compromised. We would start the week off fucking before work Monday and after dinner on Thursday. Weekends we would play with each other as much as we could and usually got one or two rounds in at random times.

We don't do the magnets any more, but we do take time to play with each other as much as possible.

The other suggestion the psychologist on the show suggested was that if you were horny (and it was practical, i.e. no little kids or other people around) to just go out and masturbate in front of your partner. Maybe they'll get the hint and help out.

James

 

[CrowdedStranger]

There was a cable show years ago, damned if I can remember the name of it, but it did several episodes about mismatched libidos. One thing they did with couples was a refrigerator magnet horniness index. Each person had two magnets color coded, one for the morning and the other after returning from work. You put your magnet high or low on the refrigerator to indicate your level of horniness.

We tried it and in our case, we found out that she was horny in the morning and I was horny at night. We also found out that work had a nasty habit of turning both of our libidos off. We would both start the week much hornier then we did at the end. So we compromised. We would start the week off fucking before work Monday and after dinner on Thursday. Weekends we would play with each other as much as we could and usually got one or two rounds in at random times.

We don't do the magnets any more, but we do take time to play with each other as much as possible.

The other suggestion the psychologist on the show suggested was that if you were horny (and it was practical, i.e. no little kids or other people around) to just go out and masturbate in front of your partner. Maybe they'll get the hint and help out.

James

Excellent idea. About a decade ago(literally) my wife and I found ourselves in that cycle. We both had high libidos from the time we met so desire wasn't the issue. I worked days and she worked evenings. She would come home around midnite and want sex but by then I was in deep sleep. I tried staying awake but my job wasn't one you could take it easy at. I would wake up in the morning so horny I couldn't concentrate on getting ready to go. Probably had something to do with her putting her scent on my face trying to wake me up. You could set off a bomb and she wouldn't flinch at 5 AM.We spent months thinking the other wasn't interested anymore,and kept it to ourselves, before the obvious hit us both. She couldn't control her schedule but I was self employed so I made sure on her days off we made up for lost time.
Now it's the male high libido and the female non existant libido. I never knew how spoiled I was back then, I'd hear guys complain or joke about thier wives cutting them off and wonder how they even made thier marriages work. Until the last 2 years mine told me No maybe 3 times in 30 years. Now I know......

 

[Que]

WWW - forgive me, not trying to be insulting, but there is another possibility and I’m mentioning it just in case.

Some men, especially men with borderline libidos, can simply get bored with sex-as-it-always-happens. If sex is just routine, Insert-Tab-A-into-Slot-B sex, that might be one reason for a man’s lack of interest. Women in such a situation can sometimes improve things by, shall we say, upping their game, getting a bit daring.

How about, shall we say. . .your post is nonsense.

A person's libido is determined by a lot of different things but overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity is not something that is malleable by the actions of someone else. There is no psychology to support your idea that kinking it up is going to make someone with little to no sexual desire to suddenly have desire for sex of any flavor. Low libido does not mean bored with the person you are with or the missionary position. Your idea is exactly like saying that if your partner isn't hungry just offer them a bowl of spicy curry and that'll wake up their appetite.

If anything, that's apt to backfire. For the same reason as my curry example if you're barely interested in sex the last thing you want to do is to go to the bother of engaging in sex while hanging from a chandelier and playing the accordion. Intimate, non-sexial contact is going to be more likely to get a low libido partner amenable to going along with some sexual activity they aren't that into, but again. . .doesn't change their DESIRE for sexual activity.

The idea that the problem of mismatched libidos is somehow influenced by, the fault of, or changeable by the high libido partner is not helpful. At all.

A low libido partner who is otherwise well engaged in the relationship not going through a. Of clinical major depression and willing to be a good partner can obviously go through the motions so that the high libido partner can get their needs met. That's like deciding that even though you're not into Indian curry you yourself don't mind taking your spouse out for a treat that you're not that into but can easily tolerate. What Avenue is entirely the owners of the low libido partner as long as we're assuming that the high libido partner has made it clear that their sexual needs are not being met. Low libido partner is not willing to go through the motions they're basically saying I really don't care that your needs aren't being met. They're saying that their inertia is more important to them than their Partners fulfillment.

The problems of mismatched libidos are completely separate and distinct from the problem of one partner withholding sex from the other partner. That's usually about anger even if the anger is unstated. That's a completely different issue and a completely different discussion. In those instances that withholding partner probably has a relatively normal libido and more likely than not is eventually going to be the partner that steps out.

 

[Timeforanother]

How about, shall we say. . .your post is nonsense.

A person's libido is determined by a lot of different things but overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity is not something that is malleable by the actions of someone else. There is no psychology to support your idea that kinking it up is going to make someone with little to no sexual desire to suddenly have desire for sex of any flavor. Low libido does not mean bored with the person you are with or the missionary position. Your idea is exactly like saying that if your partner isn't hungry just offer them a bowl of spicy curry and that'll wake up their appetite.

If anything, that's apt to backfire. For the same reason as my curry example if you're barely interested in sex the last thing you want to do is to go to the bother of engaging in sex while hanging from a chandelier and playing the accordion. Intimate, non-sexial contact is going to be more likely to get a low libido partner amenable to going along with some sexual activity they aren't that into, but again. . .doesn't change their DESIRE for sexual activity.

The idea that the problem of mismatched libidos is somehow influenced by, the fault of, or changeable by the high libido partner is not helpful. At all.

A low libido partner who is otherwise well engaged in the relationship not going through a. Of clinical major depression and willing to be a good partner can obviously go through the motions so that the high libido partner can get their needs met. That's like deciding that even though you're not into Indian curry you yourself don't mind taking your spouse out for a treat that you're not that into but can easily tolerate. What Avenue is entirely the owners of the low libido partner as long as we're assuming that the high libido partner has made it clear that their sexual needs are not being met. Low libido partner is not willing to go through the motions they're basically saying I really don't care that your needs aren't being met. They're saying that their inertia is more important to them than their Partners fulfillment.

The problems of mismatched libidos are completely separate and distinct from the problem of one partner withholding sex from the other partner. That's usually about anger even if the anger is unstated. That's a completely different issue and a completely different discussion. In those instances that withholding partner probably has a relatively normal libido and more likely than not is eventually going to be the partner that steps out.

I’m not so sure.

Let’s take it away from the OP, for we know little about her. In particular, we do not know if this apparent lack of sexual interest from her partner is new or whether it has always been there; making any kind of judgement without that sort of background is simply, as you put it, nonsense.

So, without considering this individual case, there are many factors which can influence sexual deisre. Obviously there are things such as depression and a lowered testosterone level and such might indeed be a factor. There are however others.

An individual who enjoys sex might have unwittingly let themselves go in terms of obesity, personal hygiene and grooming. That happens and such things can definitely influence a partner’s desire. As well, sex can indeed become boring. A partner may enjoy sex and want sex but not be - how to put it? - skilled. Somebody who has never learned how to please their partner is far more likely to have that partner lose interest, perhaps finding masturbation easier or more convenient.

Again, I’m not saying that’s the issue here, because we don’t know, but before pointing fingers with accusations of blame, it’s always wise to have a quick look in the mirror to see if we ourselves might be part of the problem.

 

[ICM8781]

So, I'll try to say something that people haven't already said. It could be a health or mental health problem. It certainly contributes to these kinds of issues. However, I want to focus more on you.

I'm in the same boat. My SO has an anxiety disorder, (which is known to decrease libido), took medicine where lower libido was a side effect, and used a the non-hormonal birth control which lowers libido. I know all that because I too was looking for answers to why I couldn't get laid as much as I wanted to. I found all of the factors that could contribute to this.

How many of those things could I change. None. I wouldn't want to. Her condition gives her fibro-mialsia which is basically constant pain. She can't go off her meds. The BC lasted 4 years, so SOL there.

What do you need. If you need to masturbate to get the sexual release that you need. Go for it. If that's not enough and you want to try polyamory, talk to him about it. And in the worst case, he just may not be enough for you at all. It might be time to think about leaving.

I'm sure that sounds a little callous, but you are unhappy enough to air out your personal sexual problems to a bunch of people on the internet. Nothing we say could ever change him or his libido.

What do you need?

 

[13Fantasies]

My wife and I are in our longest stretch. We've had plenty of ten month droughts over time, but are now over a year and counting. We've had several talks and therapy. So far, nothing is working. She's even admitted she might never get back to that point.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

A wife came home and found her husband in bed with another woman. Before she could storm out he told her, "Wait, let me explain!" "I met this poor girl on the sidewalk and she had broken her shoe." "I explained to her that you had lots of shoes that you weren't using so I brought her home and gave her a pair you stopped wearing." "Then I noticed her pants had a tear in them so I gave her a pair that you stopped using." "Then I noticed her shirt had a stain so I gave her one of yours that you stopped using." "Before she left she asked if there was anything else you stopped using."

Priceless!!!!!!

Marriage nearly ended 7 years ago over low wife libido. When someone came very close to stepping into her position, she realized how serious the discussions had been those prior years and said she would try to regain her passion. The next 3 months, we had the most wild, passionate, and hottest sex (of my entire life). I was in heaven! Then...she became pregnant. The libido waned and went back to how it was before.

We seem to have a discussion about it once a year. We both vent and see what to do. Last time, we set aside Monday to be sex day. This worked good at first, then it seemed that often it was just a quick mercy fuck on her part. Then even the smallest things would delay the sex until the next Monday, or the next Monday...etc.

Once our son is grown, we shall see where this goes. I am older now, but will not waste my years jacking off and thinking how nice it would be to get a BJ or suck a boob every now and then. Being single does not guarantee a BJ or a boob, but if with every new day comes a possibility, then there is hope for that. 11 more years.

 

[DirkCamacho]

This thread makes me realize that my own marital libido imbalance situation isn't all that bad. So many people in here are having months-long or years-long sex droughts. How terribly sad. That's all I can offer here, no ideas that haven't already been spoken. Just - I'm sorry and good luck.

Also - as a new member of Literotica, may I say that you people are great. Not once has some bozo said, "Hey honey, I'll fuck you all you want." It's real people sharing real compassion. Bravo.

 

[AmandaWillow]

What about sexual surrogacy? My husband has no interest in sex for a laundry list of reasons, so my therapist recommended it to me and it has been a lifesaver. Not technically an affair, no commitment, extremely satisfying, and fun! Not cheap, but worth it for me.

 

[AmandaWillow]

Golly! I didn't mean to open a can of worms with my very first post ever, but that's kinda what I do best.

Here's a link to the International Professional Surrogates Association: http://www.surrogatetherapy.org/

Currently, I only have surrogacy sessions online b/c I live in the middle of frickin' nowhere. My husband doesn't know either, so there's that curve ball. I may or may not tell him someday. I have no idea. Just doing what I need to do right now so I don't do something stupid like have an affair, and to keep myself from going insane and/or hurting myself physically.

I have been dealing with a lot of issues the last three years, a major injury, caring for a chronically ill kiddo, therapy for childhood trauma, sex assault, etc, so I am kinda reinventing myself at the moment. Figuring out who the fuck I really am. And part of getting to know myself for real is finding out that I want to have sex A LOT. That's just who I am. My husband doesn't get it, doesn't care to work on our sex life, or see that he's any part of the problem. I couldn't take his rejection any more, so here I am.

It would be better, IMHO, to have the buy-in of your partner if this is something you think might work for you.

Hope that helps everyone understand it a little better.

And now that I've split my guts to the whole room, heading back under my rock...