How do you help someone get over being abused

[PertPerth]

I was recenly on a work field trip and sharing a cabin (ie a fancy tent) with another girl (22, I'm 29) I work with. I've not really spoken to her much as she works on a different floor in the office building. Anyway, I was surprised with how open she was with telling me about her boyfriends childhood. I don't know her well, and I have not met him. She said he was abused by his step-brother for many years. My friend and her boyfriend go to councelling sessions together (her idea) and he refuses to bring up the topic.
I agree that it might be beneficial for him to speak to someone, but then I think it's up to the individual to decide when - not be pushed into it.

It got me thinking about the problem with talking to my friends/partners about my childhood and the fact that it's always ended up in me wishing I'd not said anything. Asside from their reactions, I'm always terrified that they might say something to someone else.

 

[Gil_T2]

I was recenly on a work field trip and sharing a cabin (ie a fancy tent) with another girl (22, I'm 29) I work with. I've not really spoken to her much as she works on a different floor in the office building. Anyway, I was surprised with how open she was with telling me about her boyfriends childhood. I don't know her well, and I have not met him. She said he was abused by his step-brother for many years. My friend and her boyfriend go to councelling sessions together (her idea) and he refuses to bring up the topic.
I agree that it might be beneficial for him to speak to someone, but then I think it's up to the individual to decide when - not be pushed into it.

It got me thinking about the problem with talking to my friends/partners about my childhood and the fact that it's always ended up in me wishing I'd not said anything. Asside from their reactions, I'm always terrified that they might say something to someone else.

This is all why this thread seems to work as almost everone who has come here to post about their abuse & then post helping others.
My personal thought is that peer help is best as they are not someone who has done a course.
Two things about him not speaking up in the sessions first might be the sex of the councellor & ability of councillor to put him at ease so he can talk.
As for forcing him to go trying to force anyone to do anything isn't right but maybe she is leading him in an effort to help him. Maybe she needs to talk to him to see if he'd like to see the councillor by himself.
Not knowing the lady I get the impression she cares for him but is having trouble dealing with how it affects her B/F.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

I agree that it might be beneficial for him to speak to someone, but then I think it's up to the individual to decide when - not be pushed into it.

It got me thinking about the problem with talking to my friends/partners about my childhood and the fact that it's always ended up in me wishing I'd not said anything. Asside from their reactions, I'm always terrified that they might say something to someone else.

I think it shows how easy you must be to talk to for her to open up about it. You must be a good listener.

I agree with you about not forcing him. She can gently let him know that she is there to listen, but she might push him away if she pushes him too much on the subject.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

i agree - pushing the subject is a bad idea.
i was going to say something but re-read gils post n decided not to because he said everything i was gonna lol

 

[Gil_T2]

I think it shows how easy you must be to talk to for her to open up about it. You must be a good listener.

I agree with you about not forcing him. She can gently let him know that she is there to listen, but she might push him away if she pushes him too much on the subject.

Or like me as I ran away. she was a loverly lady but her way of doing things wasn't what I needed.

 

[Gil_T2]

i agree - pushing the subject is a bad idea.
i was going to say something but re-read gils post n decided not to because he said everything i was gonna lol

Please jump in anytime as I know how I feel after reading a post but have trouble putting it into words & making sure it's not going to sound wrong or be misunderstood so all the help I can get the better.

So how are you ASG ?

 

[KarennaC]

Bandit, I can relate to what you said about having "bad space" triggered by something you see on TV. What always gets me is that I watch things like that on Dr. Phil or other shows and think, "How horrible that she's treated that way; how awful that that person has to go through this" and then realize that I went through something similar and never had that kind of compassion for myself.

PertPerth, it must have been a relief for your coworker to be able to talk to someone. It was great that you were able to listen to her. It is hard, though, to realize that someone might share information that personal about another person. I can see where that might make it hard for you to want to talk to anyone about what you've experienced.

 

[lilly85]

................

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi all, just stumbled across this thread and I am an abuse survivor so thought I'd say hi....Hi! Gonna go back and read this thread now a bit...

Mixed emotions seeing you here because wanting to jump in & welcome you & asking you to post something about yourself because your new here but then sad because it is an abuse thread hence the mix of emotions yes reading through the thread is a good place to start so you know that you are not alone & that it isn't your fault & I think you are among those who understand.

 

[Gil_T2]

With that out of the way it is my turn I'm having some health issues. I know I have BANDIT's love support & above all else her understanding in life so I am happy !!!!

I also have a couple of friends in bad places one I have met in R/L one only on line both in Aussie.

First is the one I have met & she is wanting to die to end it all. For years it has been isolation, put downs, ignoring no thoughts as to anything she wants or needs including anything but sex which has also ended. She refuses to belive that this is abuse because he don't hit her.
I've tried to get her to seek help but she refuses.

Next one has some health issues, been isolated from friends & family & after years of this her hubby has now decided to take off with another female leaving her with nothing.

Both are nice people.

 

[Noor]

With that out of the way it is my turn I'm having some health issues. I know I have BANDIT's love support & above all else her understanding in life so I am happy !!!!

I also have a couple of friends in bad places one I have met in R/L one only on line both in Aussie.

First is the one I have met & she is wanting to die to end it all. For years it has been isolation, put downs, ignoring no thoughts as to anything she wants or needs including anything but sex which has also ended. She refuses to belive that this is abuse because he don't hit her.
I've tried to get her to seek help but she refuses.

Next one has some health issues, been isolated from friends & family & after years of this her hubby has now decided to take off with another female leaving her with nothing.

Both are nice people.

I am sorry to hear about your health and your friends' bad times. Its seems to be a bad time in general these days.

You are so lucky to have found Bandit, and she you, but you both know that. You guys give hope to those of us who are hesitant to take chances on life and love.

 

[Bandit58]

With that out of the way it is my turn I'm having some health issues. I know I have BANDIT's love support & above all else her understanding in life so I am happy !!!!

I also have a couple of friends in bad places one I have met in R/L one only on line both in Aussie.

First is the one I have met & she is wanting to die to end it all. For years it has been isolation, put downs, ignoring no thoughts as to anything she wants or needs including anything but sex which has also ended. She refuses to belive that this is abuse because he don't hit her.
I've tried to get her to seek help but she refuses.

Next one has some health issues, been isolated from friends & family & after years of this her hubby has now decided to take off with another female leaving her with nothing.

Both are nice people.

I have emailed our friend this link:

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

including these two exerpts:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?


To consider whether your partner emotionally abuses you, look at the information available on physical abusers. The patterns are similar:

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted)

* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.

My ex husband had several of these characteristics and did several of these things. I did not realise he was being abusive until someone I was talking to online pointed it out to me If you live with it for long enough, you think it is a normal way to be....

Our friend is very depressed to the point of being suicidal, she cuts herself deliberately to "release her pain" and if it wasn't for her son she may have killed herself already. Because of Gil's health right now we aren't able to go and visit (she lives over an hour away). He chats to her late at night on msn, he suggests things she can do to help herself, but she is too afraid to even go to her GP....

 

[Gil_T2]

I am sorry to hear about your health and your friends' bad times. Its seems to be a bad time in general these days.

You are so lucky to have found Bandit, and she you, but you both know that. You guys give hope to those of us who are hesitant to take chances on life and love.

Thanks Noor,
I'm am blessed to have BANDIT in my life but very much doubt that she is that lucky because of all the health issues I'm having since we have been together. I HATE how it upsets her.

 

[lilly85]

...........

 

[Gil_T2]

Thank you and sorry to hear about your friend.

A little about my situation:

I've been in therapy and treatment since 2005. Along with my past abuse I also am bipolar, among other things, and that creates even bigger hurdles.

Right now my biggest issue, as always, is sex. Its taken me a very long time to be comfortable with myself and with sex. For two years I couldn't even stand to be touched, let alone bond intimately. I slowly worked through all of that myself.

Right now I am trying to come to terms with my love for the BDSM lifestyle. No one can understand how a survivor of abuse and rape could be a submissive in the bedroom. I know its in some way a sort of control of what happens to me...nothing happens unless I say its okay...but my therapist is worried I may be hurting myself by indulging in these activities and its difficult for me to really work through all of this when I'm right in the middle of it.

Also, I have been a member of a wonderful website called Aftersilence.org since 2005, its for support of anyone who has been abused or raped. Supporters of abuse survivors are welcome there also to learn how to better handle their loved ones' situations.

Healing from abuse is a long long hard road, but I've made a lot of progress and healing and I know I will prevail. I think the hardest part is truly accepting it was not your fault and that you didn't deserve it. I hope everyone who has been hurt will someday realize how truly special and beautiful they are so they too can begin healing and gaining strength from their experience instead of only pain and heartache.

Because survivors are the strongest people I know.

If you are in a D/s relationship with respect/ safe words, your enjoying knowing that you are giving yourself & not being taken & your dealing with it OK then I can only presume that the therapist has no understanding of the lifestyle at all. The way I see it the choice of sub or Dom within the lifestyle is yours alone to decide as within the lifestyle it is about "YOUR" desires, not others.

I'm getting BANDIT to put that link as a link when she posts & thanks for including it for anyone who would like to check it out.

 

[Bandit58]

Right now I am trying to come to terms with my love for the BDSM lifestyle. No one can understand how a survivor of abuse and rape could be a submissive in the bedroom. I know its in some way a sort of control of what happens to me...nothing happens unless I say its okay...but my therapist is worried I may be hurting myself by indulging in these activities and its difficult for me to really work through all of this when I'm right in the middle of it.

I read this today on another site - "submission is not a sign of weakness". To submit to another, whether just in the bedroom or 24/7 TPE, requires a great deal of strength and trust.

Not everyone "gets it". They don't have to, really. All there needs to be is, if you are getting good feelings from what you are doing and it makes you happy, then I don't see a problem. If it starts making you feel bad and feeling like a doormat, then it's time to reconsider.

Here's the link to the site lilly posted about

http://www.aftersilence.org/

 

[Gil_T2]

A gentle bump to put the thread in view.

 

[KarennaC]

Bumping softly to keep this thread where it might be needed.

And letting you know that for the past couple weeks, I've been seeing the most amazing man. I'd decided to take a break from dating, but then went to a Memorial Day weekend barbecue thrown by a friend of mine. I was planning to just chat with friends and leave early to drive home (since I live 2 1/2 hours from said friend), but then I met this guy, and all plans fell by the wayside. He's kind and gentle; he's made the 4-hour round trip to visit me three times already (riding his motorcycle in the rain two of those times), and he keeps astonishing me with all the nice things he does. I'm not thinking about the future with him, though I have to admit daydreams come to mind occasionally; I'm just seeing where it goes and enjoying the time. Enjoying being treated the way I truly deserve to be.

 

[Gil_T2]

Bumping softly to keep this thread where it might be needed.

And letting you know that for the past couple weeks, I've been seeing the most amazing man. I'd decided to take a break from dating, but then went to a Memorial Day weekend barbecue thrown by a friend of mine. I was planning to just chat with friends and leave early to drive home (since I live 2 1/2 hours from said friend), but then I met this guy, and all plans fell by the wayside. He's kind and gentle; he's made the 4-hour round trip to visit me three times already (riding his motorcycle in the rain two of those times), and he keeps astonishing me with all the nice things he does. I'm not thinking about the future with him, though I have to admit daydreams come to mind occasionally; I'm just seeing where it goes and enjoying the time. Enjoying being treated the way I truly deserve to be.

What Kind of bike?????

Only joking, so pleased your enjoying being threated right in the way you desire. ENJOY & BE HAPPY

 

[KarennaC]

A Suzuki Boulevard. lol

Thank you. I feel like I'm being hugged whenever I think about him. It's amazing.

 

[Gil_T2]

A Suzuki Boulevard. lol

Thank you. I feel like I'm being hugged whenever I think about him. It's amazing.

I'm happy that your feeling happy too.

 

[Noor]

:d:d:d

 

[Gil_T2]

A gentle bump to put the thread in view.

 

[Gil_T2]

A gentle bump to put the thread in view.

I have a hope that needing to bump this thread is because no one has a need to find it.


BUMPING AGAIN

 

[KarennaC]

I have a need to vent...

My ex-husband's mental state has deteriorated. Last week, his girlfriend had him taken into protective custody because, as usual during fights with her, he threatened to kill himself. The protective custody was sort of a good thing, because the hospital got him into counseling and put him on an antidepressant.

But he couldn't let himself actually get help. Two days later, once he got his car back from the relative who'd been keeping it for him, he started calling and following the girlfriend. She had put a protection order against him, which he was violating, though I'm not sure whether he knew the order existed or not. She finally told him, "Okay, come to my house and we'll talk." When he arrived, she had police waiting for him; he was arrested for violating the order.

His parents, brothers, and other relatives all agreed that they would not bail him out. Their feeling is, he's done this to himself, and at least if he's in jail no one has to worry about him coming after my daughters and me, which probably would have been his next step. (We also have a protection order against him, and my daughters know how and when to call the police if he shows up.) One can only hope he might actually get some help after this, but somehow I doubt it. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior, and has never accepted responsibility for anything he's done to anyone.

I have to call Legal Aid this week (hopefully this afternoon) and start the process of getting full custody of my children; right now, I have sole custody as long as the protection order's in effect, but if and when that order is dissolved, legally my ex and I have joint custody and our older daughter is supposed to live with him. She's been with me since the end of November, though, because he was neglecting her and endangering her during the four months she actually lived with him. His threat to her to "kill myself and take you with me" was what prompted the order we have against him, and I now have an almost 13-year-old who's living with depression and has considered cutting and suicide.

Just needed to get all that out, but I'd appreciate any positive thoughts, prayers, etc. that this situation is all resolved to the highest benefit of my daughters and me. I hate to drag them through yet another court situation, but even my former mother-in-law says she believes I should have sole custody of the kids, and I need to get that taken care of now, before my ex escalates.