How do you help someone get over being abused

[Bandit58]

Hi Karenna
Wow that's a lot to have happen all at once. Surely the courts will give you full custody after they have all the info (police reports, medical reports etc). Truthfully how can they not?

Is your daughter in counselling or therapy? It sounds like she is very disturbed and all this drama will probably not be helping that situation. I am so sorry that you all are going through this

If it helps, you have both Gil's and my good thoughts and well wishes

 

[KarennaC]

Thank you, Bandit.

This has been an ongoing thing. His mental state has been slipping since I left him. He refuses to get help, though the order I have against him states that he has to complete individual counseling and attend joint counseling with me before he'll be allowed to see the girls again.

I agree that the court should find it a no-brainer to give me sole custody, given all the evidence I have that he isn't stable and isn't a competent father. (For example, when I got my daughter back from him, she had such a bad case of head lice that it felt like sand grains in her hair; I had to cut her hair to half an inch because there was no other way to get rid of them.) It's just a matter of finding a volunteer lawyer to help me and of going through the process; it's going to be complicated by the fact that my ex is currently homeless, so they may have trouble locating him to serve him with the paperwork.

My daughter was in individual counseling, but refused to talk to the counselor; she's been going to family counseling with her sister and me. But a couple weeks ago she asked to try individual counseling again, so we found her a new counselor and she starts with that person this afternoon.

Thank you for the good thoughts and wishes; it means a lot

 

[PertPerth]

Hi Karenna

It sounds like you're doing very well considering all the events which have been thrown your way lately.
It's good to hear that you're getting legal help. I'm sure it's clear to them that your ex-husband is mentally unfit to have any children in his care and you'll have no trouble in making everthing legal in your favour. It may not seem like much, but what it means is : everyone is on your side.

 

[KarennaC]

Pert, my apologies, I missed your reply. Thank you

Bumping this back up where it can be easily found, though hopefully it won't be needed.

 

[Gil_T2]

Pert, my apologies, I missed your reply. Thank you

Bumping this back up where it can be easily found, though hopefully it won't be needed.

Thanks for the bump Karenna & hope things are moving well in your favor.

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP

Time to kick this up incase it's needed.

 

[Noor]

bump, bump


Hi Gil!

 

[KarennaC]

Still working on the custody thing. I finally got through to the volunteer lawyers agency and they sent me a packet of papers; I'm trying to figure out if that means they're going to help me with the case, or if they just sent me the papers and I'm on my own from here. The guy on the phone when I called was a little vague about it, but hopefully the packet they sent will be a little more clear on that.

Meanwhile, my ex is slipping further and further; he was arrested twice in two weeks (the time I mentioned a few posts ago, and then a second time about a week later) for stalking his girlfriend, swore he was done with her both times, and is now staying with her at a friend's house since every member of his family has now refused to let him and his girlfriend stay with them. A few of his relatives have pretty much disowned him, and have encouraged me to keep moving forward with getting sole custody "as long as he gets his visitation time if he ever earns it back." My kids no longer want to talk to their father when he makes his weekly phone call to them; they've had it with his lying and breaking promises, and I think they know he may never do what the court told him to do to be able to see them again.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend is being absolutely wonderful to my daughters and me. Because of the nature of his job, his "weekend" during the summer is usually Wednesday and Thursday, so every week he's been coming up Tuesday night after work, arriving here around midnight, and stays till Friday morning. He adores my girls, and this past week, he told me he loves me.

 

[Gil_T2]

Still working on the custody thing. I finally got through to the volunteer lawyers agency and they sent me a packet of papers; I'm trying to figure out if that means they're going to help me with the case, or if they just sent me the papers and I'm on my own from here. The guy on the phone when I called was a little vague about it, but hopefully the packet they sent will be a little more clear on that.

Meanwhile, my ex is slipping further and further; he was arrested twice in two weeks (the time I mentioned a few posts ago, and then a second time about a week later) for stalking his girlfriend, swore he was done with her both times, and is now staying with her at a friend's house since every member of his family has now refused to let him and his girlfriend stay with them. A few of his relatives have pretty much disowned him, and have encouraged me to keep moving forward with getting sole custody "as long as he gets his visitation time if he ever earns it back." My kids no longer want to talk to their father when he makes his weekly phone call to them; they've had it with his lying and breaking promises, and I think they know he may never do what the court told him to do to be able to see them again.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend is being absolutely wonderful to my daughters and me. Because of the nature of his job, his "weekend" during the summer is usually Wednesday and Thursday, so every week he's been coming up Tuesday night after work, arriving here around midnight, and stays till Friday morning. He adores my girls, and this past week, he told me he loves me.

Karenna continue to move forward with baby steps & don't be to upset with set backs, think them through & sort the way forward again.
It seems the ex is on a self destruction mission & if he keeps on this path he will end up behind bars.
So glad the B/F is a possitive in your & the girls life.

 

[Dvision]

Hi everybody

been a while since I came here.

little bit depressed, my GF decided to try another therapy and a lot of things
come back, normally she wants to forget and not think about it.

But now she tried yet another therapy session and she aims all her anger on me. She is so in defence that I can hardly talk to her.

The problem is that she always has her answer. She is an emotional bomb ticking.... Like this, she shuts down for me and I can hardly communicate with her. I would like to disarm the 'bomb', but I don't know how. Difficult to talk about emotions, feelings, and she flees in her writings (that is good for her) and in her work. She pushes me away, have to accept that.

tought times for her and tough times for me.

 

[Gil_T2]

bump, bump


Hi Gil!

Hi Noor thanks for adding you bump to the thread.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi everybody

been a while since I came here.

little bit depressed, my GF decided to try another therapy and a lot of things
come back, normally she wants to forget and not think about it.

But now she tried yet another therapy session and she aims all her anger on me. She is so in defence that I can hardly talk to her.

The problem is that she always has her answer. She is an emotional bomb ticking.... Like this, she shuts down for me and I can hardly communicate with her. I would like to disarm the 'bomb', but I don't know how. Difficult to talk about emotions, feelings, and she flees in her writings (that is good for her) and in her work. She pushes me away, have to accept that.

tought times for her and tough times for me.

Is it possible to let the therapist know what's happening with you G/F as for any other advice sorry I've got nothing, maybe others might have some ideas for you.

Hope you can post things are getting better very soon.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi everybody

been a while since I came here.

little bit depressed, my GF decided to try another therapy and a lot of things
come back, normally she wants to forget and not think about it.

But now she tried yet another therapy session and she aims all her anger on me. She is so in defence that I can hardly talk to her.

The problem is that she always has her answer. She is an emotional bomb ticking.... Like this, she shuts down for me and I can hardly communicate with her. I would like to disarm the 'bomb', but I don't know how. Difficult to talk about emotions, feelings, and she flees in her writings (that is good for her) and in her work. She pushes me away, have to accept that.

tought times for her and tough times for me.

I think you may need to step back a little bit and let her process things in her own way and at her own pace. By all means be there for her if she chooses to talk, but at the same time she will need time to sort out her emotions. It has probably been very traumatic for her to relive what happened to her - no wonder she is angry, but she isn't angry at you per se so try not to take it personally.

I also agree with Gil that if you can you should let her therapist know what's going on, he/she will have the experience to channel her anger into positive rather than negative behaviours.

 

[Dvision]

Yes, I agree, I need to take a step back. I don't like it, but that is what I need to do now. The therapists knows about her and me. He told me that she is this personality who raises her 'shields' when she comes under emotional pressure and it will take time before she can lower her shields. She is in resistance - not only against me- but against everybody. I would love to make her understand that if necessary I will be there for her, and I told her so, even wrote a poem for her, but she keeps pushing me away. She does not need any help from me, she will manage to do alone, .... . I guess it will take his time.

 

[Gil_T2]

Yes, I agree, I need to take a step back. I don't like it, but that is what I need to do now. The therapists knows about her and me. He told me that she is this personality who raises her 'shields' when she comes under emotional pressure and it will take time before she can lower her shields. She is in resistance - not only against me- but against everybody. I would love to make her understand that if necessary I will be there for her, and I told her so, even wrote a poem for her, but she keeps pushing me away. She does not need any help from me, she will manage to do alone, .... . I guess it will take his time.

I think that as you have said the therapist said she has her emotional shields up to not only you but to everyone this meaning that she has emotional feeling towards you & because of the past is trying to shield her emotions from risking having feelings again.

Hang in there !!!!!

 

[PertPerth]

Sometimes it is really hard to explain such a long story. There are so many things that have happened to me which have brought me to where I am now.

I'm not sure what to say. I'm mostly happy. I'm a little scared and I'm very, very tired.

 

[KarennaC]

Dvision, I hope things are going okay for you. You're a strong person to want to help your GF through this, and it takes strength to step back as well.

Perth, hope everything's okay for you

Oh, and by the way, a gentle <bump> to move this thread back to the top.

 

[Gil_T2]

Dvision, I hope things are going okay for you. You're a strong person to want to help your GF through this, and it takes strength to step back as well.

Perth, hope everything's okay for you

Oh, and by the way, a gentle <bump> to move this thread back to the top.

BUMPING the thread back to the top just in case it's needed & to wave HI to all.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

bumpity bump

Just bumping this supportive thread. I'm dealing with flashback issues right now. Not too serious but sometimes it still amazes me what little thing can trigger bad memories. Luckily, I'm much older and wiser and can deal with it. I know I'm not crazy which is what I thought when I was young. I just accept me for me. Does that make sense?

 

[Bandit58]

bumpity bump

Just bumping this supportive thread. I'm dealing with flashback issues right now. Not too serious but sometimes it still amazes me what little thing can trigger bad memories. Luckily, I'm much older and wiser and can deal with it. I know I'm not crazy which is what I thought when I was young. I just accept me for me. Does that make sense?

I can relate Certain songs I can no longer listen to because they bring back bad memories. Angry voices, a TV programme (especially those dealing with domestic violence/abuse), scenes in a movie....can upset me a bit. A cuddle from Gil works wonders though, and we talk about anything that has upset me so that it's all out in the open and (hopefully) not going to give me nightmares.

 

[KarennaC]

I'm discovering that issues from my past tend to rear their ugly heads when least expected.

My boyfriend almost never gets angry. On the one or two occasions when I've seen him angry, I've done what I've always done: Mentally removed myself from the situation. He wasn't angry with me, but I felt like I needed to hide to avoid him taking the anger out on me. The first time it happened, he came to me after he'd calmed down and said, "You've never seen me angry." I said, "No." He said, "Did it scare you?" I said, "Yes." He put his arms around me and said, "You don't have to be scared of me. I would never do anything to hurt you or your children, no matter how angry I get."

I believe him, but even so I find myself shushing my children when they don't really need to be shushed, because they're making noise or saying something that would have set off their father. I find myself sometimes feeling on edge trying to maintain a peaceful time, when really, peace is the main way things are with my boyfriend. He knows some things about my marriage and about what my older daughter dealt with when she lived with her father, but he doesn't know everything, and he doesn't know that anything happened to me before my marriage. It hasn't felt necessary to tell him; it just kind of spills out when it seems relevant.

My boyfriend is very, very supportive, and understands that sometimes I get upset for no apparent reason, and that anger is hard for me to deal with. So far, he's handled it exactly the way I would wish for him to; by asking questions, listening, and holding me. It is getting easier for me; the other day he got irritated by something and walked off to get a cigarette; I started to get upset but told myself, "You haven't done anything; he's just taking a breather. It's his thing, not yours." He came back a few minutes late and everything was fine. I just have to work on the cringing when I think he might be angry thing.

 

[SydneyScorpio]

If anyone can offer you good advice on this thread, it's Gil_T2 & Bandit 58. 2 of the most level-headed and compassionate people that I've had the pleasure of meeting. Having known 2 people who have suffered from either mental or physical abuse, the only things that seem to help are good friends, love & time. Medical assistance & medication don't seem to do a hell of a lot of good. And court orders are only effective if the offending party takes notice of them. I've had to stand by and watch 2 very beautiful people break down and become totally different people from those that I knew. The one thing I offered was to be a friend and to be there for them, when they decided that they needed me. I was successful with one, but unfortunately the other took her own life when she let the "guilt" overcome her. Time, love & patience is the answer people.

 

[Noor]

I'm discovering that issues from my past tend to rear their ugly heads when least expected.

My boyfriend almost never gets angry. On the one or two occasions when I've seen him angry, I've done what I've always done: Mentally removed myself from the situation. He wasn't angry with me, but I felt like I needed to hide to avoid him taking the anger out on me. The first time it happened, he came to me after he'd calmed down and said, "You've never seen me angry." I said, "No." He said, "Did it scare you?" I said, "Yes." He put his arms around me and said, "You don't have to be scared of me. I would never do anything to hurt you or your children, no matter how angry I get."

I believe him, but even so I find myself shushing my children when they don't really need to be shushed, because they're making noise or saying something that would have set off their father. I find myself sometimes feeling on edge trying to maintain a peaceful time, when really, peace is the main way things are with my boyfriend. He knows some things about my marriage and about what my older daughter dealt with when she lived with her father, but he doesn't know everything, and he doesn't know that anything happened to me before my marriage. It hasn't felt necessary to tell him; it just kind of spills out when it seems relevant.

My boyfriend is very, very supportive, and understands that sometimes I get upset for no apparent reason, and that anger is hard for me to deal with. So far, he's handled it exactly the way I would wish for him to; by asking questions, listening, and holding me. It is getting easier for me; the other day he got irritated by something and walked off to get a cigarette; I started to get upset but told myself, "You haven't done anything; he's just taking a breather. It's his thing, not yours." He came back a few minutes late and everything was fine. I just have to work on the cringing when I think he might be angry thing.

You are lucky to have him, not all guys are like that. Some don't ask questions or don't check out what is going on with you, they just assume something, get mad and turn on you. yeah I know its his thing, but it still hurts.

 

[KarennaC]

My ex-husband was one of the "assume, get mad, and turn on you" kind of men. Then again, as far as he was concerned, everything I did was something against him, even if it had nothing to do with him.

I know how fortunate I am to have met my boyfriend. He's wonderfully calm and patient with me and with my daughters. The way he interacts with my younger child, who doesn't trust many people and often refuses to speak to anyone, is just short of miraculous as far as I'm concerned; I've never seen her come out of her shell that much with anyone, not even her own father.

 

[PertPerth]

My ex-husband was one of the "assume, get mad, and turn on you" kind of men. Then again, as far as he was concerned, everything I did was something against him, even if it had nothing to do with him.

I know how fortunate I am to have met my boyfriend. He's wonderfully calm and patient with me and with my daughters. The way he interacts with my younger child, who doesn't trust many people and often refuses to speak to anyone, is just short of miraculous as far as I'm concerned; I've never seen her come out of her shell that much with anyone, not even her own father.

Calm and supportive - two very special qualities that I look for in a man. He sounds like a 'keeper' to me.


Excuse my ramble...I need to vent...
I had a doozy of a day (emotionally) yesterday. I had been trying to phone my parents since Sunday afternoon... finally get through to Mum (on Dad's mobile). Dad's in the hospital again (kidney infection this time). I knew that he's planned to see the specialist, but that wasn't for another 2 weeks. So, while I was disappointed that they didn't tell me - it's not too unusual.
So, I figured that I should phone my brother to let him know - He was upset. Not upset because our Dad was sick, but upset that his weekend was "ruined" because he couldn't go down to stay with Mum and Dad for the weekend (and have Mum papmer him with her cooking). What a selfish prick! All he does is take. It makes me hard not to hate him.

(Oh and for anyone who doesn't quite understand - my brother was the one who abused me as a child. My parents don't know)