How do you help someone get over being abused

[Acktion]

...It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

It shouldn't.

a) While statistically fewer in number, there ARE females who abuse as well.

b) The number of males on the face of this ball of rock who would never dream of abusing anyone, and who would be hurt if it was suggested they had, far far outnumber the ones who do and enjoy it.

c) I am male and was a victim. Yes, I said "was" since I reject that label for the me I am now.

I figured I'd get that out the way first as well as this little tidbit; in my checkered past I've worked with both victims and abusers.

So, now a little bad news.

We have a tendency to want to fix things we see as broken. Get it working again. And we feel this way about the people we care about as well. Fix it. Make it better.

The thing is, a person isn't a toaster or a computer that we can twirl a screwdriver here and there, pop out the part that we think is broke, and replace it with a new one and voila.

That came out sounding a little spiteful and I didn't mean it that way. But, I can't quite figure out how to say it to make it more palatable either.

What I'm getting at is that while we survivors can be helped, anyone who wants to do so absolutely has to recognize that it's not going to be a quick fix and will require patience and understanding more than anything.

What a crock, eh? Who WOULDN'T do a little better for some patience and understanding? Is there anyone that actually WANTS rudeness and misinterpretation?

But, yeah. That's the main thing we need and just a tad more than others. Because, often, we don't have a very large supply of those ourselves.

Anticipation often has taken the place of our patience. We have learned that anything good is usually going to be followed by something we won't like quite as much. We tend to adopt defensive mechanisms that are often interpreted as rude although we don't mean to be. Why would we want to be rude since being rude just brings more pain? Often, we don't realize we are being rude until it's pointed out to us. And even a gentle correction can bring on the anticipation of the blow we have been taught will follow.

So, yeah. The big thing we need is patience and understanding and to KNOW that you are going to be there while we work things out.

Which, we never will, really. You can tell us for years, and we can witness it firsthand for years and there will still be something in us that just has to poke at it with a stick.

Speaking for myself, I'm not sure I'm worth putting up with all of that crap. God knows I wouldn't put up with it from somebody else.

And that's the thing. Or maybe I should say "The Thing". Odds are, whomever you are trying to help recover will most likely have that exact same thought nestled somewhere in their mind. It's up to you to show them it's not true.

Just how you do that, I don't know since I'm generally too busy trying to keep people at arms length to show them I think they're worth it. But, I'm sure you'll figure it out. If you just have some patience and understanding and really want to.

Oh, and Essie? Nothing says you can't go to person you "lost" except you. If he loves you, he'll accept you back, although maybe a little tentatively. If he doesn't, he didn't.

 

[Que]

I have a bit of experience with this, but no optimistic answers here.

I think you just be supportive and kind and let their healing take it's own path.

 

[Que]

I got a nice pm from someone for simply having brought attention to this thread the other day...figured I'd see if anyone had anything to add.

Scars from abuse run deep. I think it's a pretty heady responsibility whenever someone lets you in enough to see them.

 

[Not His Toy]

Healing comes from within...all you can do is be a friend...they have to let the healing in.

 

[Wolf_Song]

We care...

Some have wondered why some people don't leave when abused. This can be for a variety of reasons. Which may include abuse during childhood from parents, siblings, peers and potentially others to.

What is commonly known as Battered Wife Syndrome is also called Battered Person Syndrome. Some run the whole gamut in this of going through physical, sexual and emotional abuse. Men are more often reported for physical and sexual abuse. Women are more reported for emotional abuse. But any who been through some or all of these or deeply looked at victims in such, know to well how one facet can affect another. An example being where emotional abuse can lead to sexual and physical problems in some ones life due to depression, anxiety and other matters that to often are a result.

I been voluntarily helping people in many things since I was a young abused child myself. And the more one learns the more they understand. I know many facets including physically dealing with my abusers, protecting, teaching and healing others. Abuse comes in many forms... but so to does love, healing, understanding, compassion, empathy and many wonderful people doing good. Being and sharing with those positive people that have your best interests at heart is where it is at. But some times it isnt easy to know who to talk to or what to say. But it starts with trying... one step and one day at a time. So even if you dont feel you are yet ready to open up. There is myself and many wishing you encouragement. There are many who silently turn a blind eye... but there are many of us who support you, even if never we talk. Still the caring, compassion, best wishes and more are there with you and for you... you are never alone... we care !

(big hugs for those wishing or needing them... now and in future to )

 

[kikmosa]

BUMP

 

[All_4_Love]

Sometimes we're not looking for help per se. Me? I would love someone to hold me while I cry, to not get angry or frustrated if I don't see myself the way they do or if I get paranoid or uncertain - not asking you to like it or enjoy it, but at least know where it's coming from - and allow me to gently explore my way through things and to enjoy the squelchy squishy stuff that my explorations may lead to!

*Sneaking in to wrap my nurturing, motherly arms around you to hold you tightly while you cry, letting you know that it's okay. Wishing I was sitting next to you silently, compassionately, so that you could feel my strength until you believed that you're beautiful and that you are loved*

My deepest and most heartfelt condolences to all of the courageous people who have shared their stories on this thread.

 

[kikmosa]

Bump

 

[kikmosa]

I should not have written that here. My only excuse was a drink to many. It won't happen again.

 

[Noor]

I should not have written that here. My only excuse was a drink to many. It won't happen again.

Hi Kiki! Sorry I missed you!

 

[Athalia]

Scars from abuse run deep. I think it's a pretty heady responsibility whenever someone lets you in enough to see them.

It's also a great honor. It means that they're willing to trust you, against all experience. Accept that honor with grace and respect, since it was not easily given. And be worthy of it.

 

[kikmosa]

Hi Kiki! Sorry I missed you!

Not to worry, you didn't really miss anything.

 

[MeekMe]

I didn't know this was here. In a moment of weakness I thought to post my 4 page story, but I think I'll wait for a more appropriate approach. This was triggered by certain comments in a recent thread I participated in. Maybe one day I'll share this.

 

[kikmosa]

I didn't know this was here. In a moment of weakness I thought to post my 4 page story, but I think I'll wait for a more appropriate approach. This was triggered by certain comments in a recent thread I participated in. Maybe one day I'll share this.

When and how much of your story to tell is, as always, only for you to decide. All we can do is assure you that we will listen and offer help, encouragement, cry with you or just be here when you need us. Until then.... Hugs.......

 

[MeekMe]

When and how much of your story to tell is, as always, only for you to decide. All we can do is assure you that we will listen and offer help, encouragement, cry with you or just be here when you need us. Until then.... Hugs.......

Thank you.

I thought about this thread and the question it originally posed. I'm going to attempt an answer based on my experience.

How do you help someone get over being abused? You don't.

You can help them come to terms with and understand what happened, but I don't think you "get over it." For me, the biggest thing was finding someone that would believe me. So many people either didn't believe me or tried to diminish the severity of what happened. I got looks of disbelief, the tone that said 'you weren't REALLY raped/abused,' and awkward silences that meant they didn't want to hear about it.

Finding someone who believed me helped so much. I didn't feel like a crazy person and I stopped questioning myself and feeling shame/guilt. Listening, believing, and being there for someone can do so much.

You can help, but the abused person has to do most of the work. Time and soul searching were things that helped me. I look back on my experience and I see so many things that factored into what happened. Understanding those elements have given me some insight and allowed me to grow as a person. I am who I am today partially because of that experience, and while I wish it didn't happen; I can see I'm stronger for it. I never "got over it," but the emotions and pain surrounding that period of my life have dulled considerably.

I hope that this helps in some way.

 

[nayia]

Thank you.

Finding someone who believed me helped so much. I didn't feel like a crazy person and I stopped questioning myself and feeling shame/guilt. Listening, believing, and being there for someone can do so much.

This is so true. I got out two years ago and my panic attacks have become much less frequent. Last night I had one and instead of getting really worried or upset, my boyfriend (not the abusive one) stayed really calm and talked me through slow breathing until I calmed down. Then after he said I helped myself out of it and did a good job.

Just the fact that he is there and calm, understanding and supportive makes everything else much less scary and stressful.

 

[Essie1]

.....

 

[MeekMe]

This is so true. I got out two years ago and my panic attacks have become much less frequent. Last night I had one and instead of getting really worried or upset, my boyfriend (not the abusive one) stayed really calm and talked me through slow breathing until I calmed down. Then after he said I helped myself out of it and did a good job.

Just the fact that he is there and calm, understanding and supportive makes everything else much less scary and stressful.

Sometimes panic attacks are a little less scary when someone is there. I'm happy you have someone who will stay calm and not panic with you.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Thank you.

I thought about this thread and the question it originally posed. I'm going to attempt an answer based on my experience.

How do you help someone get over being abused? You don't.

You can help them come to terms with and understand what happened, but I don't think you "get over it." For me, the biggest thing was finding someone that would believe me. So many people either didn't believe me or tried to diminish the severity of what happened. I got looks of disbelief, the tone that said 'you weren't REALLY raped/abused,' and awkward silences that meant they didn't want to hear about it.

Finding someone who believed me helped so much. I didn't feel like a crazy person and I stopped questioning myself and feeling shame/guilt. Listening, believing, and being there for someone can do so much.

You can help, but the abused person has to do most of the work. Time and soul searching were things that helped me. I look back on my experience and I see so many things that factored into what happened. Understanding those elements have given me some insight and allowed me to grow as a person. I am who I am today partially because of that experience, and while I wish it didn't happen; I can see I'm stronger for it. I never "got over it," but the emotions and pain surrounding that period of my life have dulled considerably.

I hope that this helps in some way.

People who act crazy ARE crazy.

 

[Essie1]

Scars from abuse run deep. I think it's a pretty heady responsibility whenever someone lets you in enough to see them.

I would love someone to hold me while I cry, to not get angry or frustrated if I don't see myself the way they do or if I get paranoid or uncertain

I met someone recently who pursued me, wooed me, said he wanted to be with me. I let him see what I had written, because it's still something I wrestle with, getting close to a man and trusting him in that respect. He read it and told me he wanted to be there for me when I cried, that we could take things slowly and I didn't have to do anything for him to want to be with me. You can probably imagine how that made me feel! So I said yes, I wanted to try and see where things could go.

Then a few days later, he said that he was sorry but he was still in love with his ex, who'd asked him to come back to her, and they'd gotten back together.

To any man (or woman) reading this - if you meet someone and they reveal something like abuse or assault in their past, make sure you are strong enough or honest enough to become involved with them. If you tell them you want to be there for them and then "change your mind" or whatever, believe me, that can make them feel even worse about themselves than they may already.

Of course people are entitled to change their minds about getting into relationships - happens all the time and nobody is beholden to anybody - but for someone who has been vulnerable to be open like that and to offer you their trust? That's something big they've done and to mess with their head (albeit not deliberately or with malice) can be more hurtful than a regular kind of mind changing experience.

He cut ties with me because he said he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he already had, and he could see that he would keep doing that if we stayed in touch. All I can do is wish him well, hope he's happy and move forward.

I don't want to risk anything like this happening again so I think I'm going to keep myself behind barbed wire for a while. For my own sake.

 

[Que]

When someone falls short, just remember that it is a human failing and about the fact that they do not have the capacity to love that they would like to have. It has nothing to do with your own worth or whether you are "lovable."

It sucks though.

We all set up unrealistic standards for ourselves and out loved ones.

A friend of mine is 28. He sees a cute 19 year old niece on another mutual friends facebook page. The aunt introduces them and they spend like 3 hours a day texting. I try (and fail) to dissuade him from doing that, especially after she flakes on a meetup twice. My point is she is getting all the emotional support of a boyfriend with no need for the complications of actually dating.

I was quite surprised when she finally did show. They end up sleeping together the first meetup. He of course feels vindicated that his initial over-emotional-investment was worth it and that "getting to know someone" so deeply was well worth it.

Now, a week later he is pissed off that she texts him all the time, when he is in the middle of things, she gets wounded when he is anything less than effusive.

She feels that he doesn't really want her around.

The whole thing is silly. They do not know each other, too much, too fast. No one can keep up that level of emotional investment.

She is probably not an overly needy person, and he honestly isn't cavalier about his little mini-relationships with girls. He doesn't want to "play games" he says. He just doesn't get that a certain level of emotional reassurance is the cost of doing business in a relationship.

I have a friend that is 150 miles away. She is always warm and affectionate and glad to see me when I manage to meetup around her schedule. I cannot predict that because she cannot return a text within a day to save her life.

To avoid looking needy, I don't text her until I am in town, if then. She always says, "Why didn't you let me know you were coming??... Never mind that when I do , she cant bother to acknowledge.

People think about themselves mostly. They want to be better people. It feels romantic to think that you will be this fine, white knight for someone else, but the reality is that we all struggle just to maintain our own psyches.

Never mind that anyone male of female craves a certain consistency. When that varies, it feels like you are unstable ground.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Its easier and cheaper to buy pussy.

 

[All_4_Love]

When someone falls short, just remember that it is a human failing and about the fact that they do not have the capacity to love that they would like to have. It has nothing to do with your own worth or whether you are "lovable."

It sucks though.

We all set up unrealistic standards for ourselves and out loved ones.

A friend of mine is 28. He sees a cute 19 year old niece on another mutual friends facebook page. The aunt introduces them and they spend like 3 hours a day texting. I try (and fail) to dissuade him from doing that, especially after she flakes on a meetup twice. My point is she is getting all the emotional support of a boyfriend with no need for the complications of actually dating.

I was quite surprised when she finally did show. They end up sleeping together the first meetup. He of course feels vindicated that his initial over-emotional-investment was worth it and that "getting to know someone" so deeply was well worth it.

Now, a week later he is pissed off that she texts him all the time, when he is in the middle of things, she gets wounded when he is anything less than effusive.

She feels that he doesn't really want her around.

The whole thing is silly. They do not know each other, too much, too fast. No one can keep up that level of emotional investment.

She is probably not an overly needy person, and he honestly isn't cavalier about his little mini-relationships with girls. He doesn't want to "play games" he says. He just doesn't get that a certain level of emotional reassurance is the cost of doing business in a relationship.

I have a friend that is 150 miles away. She is always warm and affectionate and glad to see me when I manage to meetup around her schedule. I cannot predict that because she cannot return a text within a day to save her life.

To avoid looking needy, I don't text her until I am in town, if then. She always says, "Why didn't you let me know you were coming??... Never mind that when I do , she cant bother to acknowledge.

People think about themselves mostly. They want to be better people. It feels romantic to think that you will be this fine, white knight for someone else, but the reality is that we all struggle just to maintain our own psyches.

Never mind that anyone male of female craves a certain consistency. When that varies, it feels like you are unstable ground.

Hear ye, hear ye. This is brilliant in its entirety.

The most important point being the beginning, in that another lacking the capacity to love has nothing to do with you being lovable. That is so important to remember when you feel you have been rejected. It is NOT about your worth or lovableness. It is always about what is going on in the other person.

That being said, it is identically the same when you are abused. It has NOTHING to do with your worth or capacity to be loved. It is always about the other person and their diminished capacity for love.

*hugs*

 

[kikmosa]

****Beep Beep****

Roadrunning my way through to wish everyone a great day.

 

[LithiumKiss]

Hi there,

I should maybe have posted this here first but I'll link to my HT thread here, because if you guys have any insight I'd be incredibly grateful.

I have to work now, but I'll respond to the stuff in the HT thread and anything here later this afternoon.

Hugs to all that need/want them.