How do you help someone get over being abused

[Bandit58]

I saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share:

We had our first argument last night, and he said loads of cruel things that really hurt me. I KNOW he's sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he MUST be sorry because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today; it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again; it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him but scared to leave. But I know he MUST be sorry because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I wouldn't have gotten flowers today.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Wishing my best to those going through recovery from abuses and to those who love and support them.

( more gentle comforting hugs and best wishes to those wishing them )

 

[Noor]

I had a shock the other night when I realized that my friend's actions were getting emotional abusive. I really don't think that was their intention but it was deeply upsetting, and made me quite sad for them and the situation.

It is very hard to keep stuff from one's past from filtering during stressful times in the present.

 

[kikmosa]

........bump.........

 

[Noor]

........bump.........

(((((( KIKI!!! ))))))

 

[Beck31]

It is never easy. Some scars will never heal. That is a fact. You just have to keep marching forward and hope that your friends and family will provide the love and support needed to put such awful actions behind you.

 

[kikmosa]

It is never easy. Some scars will never heal. That is a fact. You just have to keep marching forward and hope that your friends and family will provide the love and support needed to put such awful actions behind you.

Very true. Some scars we carry with us always. Some are physical and some are mental. Both are hard to deal with in their own way. I think though, that mental scars are the hardest. Physical scars can be seen, dealt with and in some cases, reduced. People become used to seeing them and no longer react to them. Mental scars can't be seen and you yourself may not know all of them. But they affect you anyway. Your confidence, your self image, your fears, the way you react to others, the way you react to comments. Everything is affected by mental scars. And because you can't see them, you can't know how they will affect you until it happens. And that not knowing and being unsure and afraid of reacting is in itself a scar. But even here, scars can be dealt with and even reduced with help from others. This is something I'm still learning. It's hard for us to let someone else in. The fear of being hurt again is strong. This fear is the one thing that holds us back the most. This is where we need the most help.

Ok, stepping off the soapbox now.

 

[kikmosa]

(((((( KIKI!!! ))))))

Hello Noor. Yes, I'm back. And while things still aren't good, at least I'm not at that lowest point at the moment. I am trying. Dealing with a few 'mental scars'.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Special seasonal wishes to those bravely moving forward and to those in support of them. May each new day be brighter than the last.

(special hugs for those wishing them to)

 

[QuantumJumping]

Obvious

Professional therapy.

 

[ElizaCat22]

It's so easy for those who haven't been in an abusive relationship to say things like "why didn't you leave" or "why didn't you get help"?
As someone who newly escaped from one.... things always seem easier and different on the outside. There are so many layers and reasons.

 

[Lostlittlegirl2]

Bumping this

 

[Athalia]

"How do you help someone get over being abused?"

You don't, really. You can be there to provide a shoulder to cry on. You can build a trust with that person, and let him or her know that she has nothing to fear from you. You can be a sounding board.

But the success or failure of the recovery ultimately rests with the abused, and their ability to find the resources and counseling and support groups to help them. Your job is to assist that process where and when you can, and not to take it personally when it isn't working.

Above, all, let that person know how much you love them, and that your love is unconditional, regardless of their history. That is paramount.

 

[Tsotha]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

Great way to start a thread — slap the evil gender! I'm sure men who went through abuse will be thrilled reading this.

Also, answering the question: you don't. Life won't be better, except by enduring and growing strong. Either make the abused stand up and fight, or let them lie down wallowing and waiting for others to come along and pat their head, telling sweet lies about how life is beautiful.

 

[Doog_kuron]

This is always a pretty difficult topic to get to grips with as abuse can come in many forms, from men as well as women. I've had some dealings with this myself sadly and it is difficult not to let those things colour your perspective. I didn't have any help, the benefit of a friendly ear or a place to escape the situation. I don't discuss it and I don't want to hear peoples pity or platitudes.

Many people can rightly claim to have had terrible experiences of one sort or another. How people continue to function and process events is unique to the person. Though I am sure there are general things that help to a greater or lesser extent, ultimately it's unique to the individual.

For me it came down to two quite simple choices. I can either let it swallow me whole and sink beneath the waves or I can fight and refuse to give in. I chose the latter. Am I all better, super happy, normal, balanced individual? I think even those who have had a blessed life can hardly claim that, but I am not. I never will be. But I am still here, I have managed to carve out a life for myself in this pretty insane world. And I plan to be here tomorrow.

 

[Gil_T2]

Great way to start a thread — slap the evil gender! I'm sure men who went through abuse will be thrilled reading this.

Also, answering the question: you don't. Life won't be better, except by enduring and growing strong. Either make the abused stand up and fight, or let them lie down wallowing and waiting for others to come along and pat their head, telling sweet lies about how life is beautiful.

Tsotha, there are several male abused survivers on this thread including myself so don't be to quick to judge.

Abused people of both sexes can be helped & think your line of thinking is so wrong as neither method you mention work.

 

[Gil_T2]

Bumping this

Lostlittlegirl, Thanks for the bump I've been missing in action for some time with health issues.

 

[Gil_T2]

It's so easy for those who haven't been in an abusive relationship to say things like "why didn't you leave" or "why didn't you get help"?
As someone who newly escaped from one.... things always seem easier and different on the outside. There are so many layers and reasons.

ElizaCat, Out siders tend to have no clue as to what an abuse surviver goes through & how hard it is to escape for so many reasons like loss of self esteem.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hello Noor. Yes, I'm back. And while things still aren't good, at least I'm not at that lowest point at the moment. I am trying. Dealing with a few 'mental scars'.

Wonderful to see you still here Kiki, I have a little knowledge of the demons you battle every day & my admiration for you abounds.

Mental scars are the hardest to deal with.

 

[Tsotha]

Tsotha, there are several male abused survivers on this thread including myself so don't be to quick to judge.

Abused people of both sexes can be helped & think your line of thinking is so wrong as neither method you mention work.

Indeed? I seem to be doing fine.

EDIT: I didn't say men can't be helped. I said stand and fight. Especially if you're a man. The boot is coming down on your head, regardless, but you should at least have your head up when it does.

How typical to have someone telling me what works and what doesn't. Let me tell you, then, what doesn't work: trusting people to hear you out, to not make assumptions and not use what you're saying against you. It's a mistake I keep making, and it's always a matter of time before the slap comes. Never say the truth, never trust.

 

[Gil_T2]

I had a shock the other night when I realized that my friend's actions were getting emotional abusive. I really don't think that was their intention but it was deeply upsetting, and made me quite sad for them and the situation.

It is very hard to keep stuff from one's past from filtering during stressful times in the present.

Hi to the wonderful Noor, thanks for keeping an eye on here while I've been missing.

It's amazing how little things can trigger the demons of the past, BANDIT & I still have our moments with friends.

 

[Gil_T2]

This is always a pretty difficult topic to get to grips with as abuse can come in many forms, from men as well as women. I've had some dealings with this myself sadly and it is difficult not to let those things colour your perspective. I didn't have any help, the benefit of a friendly ear or a place to escape the situation. I don't discuss it and I don't want to hear peoples pity or platitudes.

Many people can rightly claim to have had terrible experiences of one sort or another. How people continue to function and process events is unique to the person. Though I am sure there are general things that help to a greater or lesser extent, ultimately it's unique to the individual.

For me it came down to two quite simple choices. I can either let it swallow me whole and sink beneath the waves or I can fight and refuse to give in. I chose the latter. Am I all better, super happy, normal, balanced individual? I think even those who have had a blessed life can hardly claim that, but I am not. I never will be. But I am still here, I have managed to carve out a life for myself in this pretty insane world. And I plan to be here tomorrow.

Keep on keeping on.

 

[Athalia]

How typical to have someone telling me what works and what doesn't. Let me tell you, then, what doesn't work:

Does anybody else see the irony in this statement?

trusting people to hear you out, to not make assumptions and not use what you're saying against you. It's a mistake I keep making, and it's always a matter of time before the slap comes. Never say the truth, never trust.

I'm sorry that trust hasn't worked out for you. It has worked for me. In fact, it's the only thing that's worked in the long run. I would suggest that perhaps you're trusting the wrong people, perhaps even unconsciously selecting the wrong people to trust, but then I would be speculating on your mind-set, and that's not really fair to you, since you can readily tell us what your mind-set actually was. What comes through clearly, though, is your pain. And I can totally relate to that.

I'm not a hundred percent healed. I probably never will be. But I am so glad that I have not closed myself off to love or trust. I would not advise an emotionally battered person to stop trusting, only to be more careful in placing that trust.

This thread was titled "How do you help someone get over being abused?" and not "How do you get over being abused?" I am in the curious position of being in both categories, the abused and the helper, at various times in my life. So I can testify to what has worked for me, and what has apparently worked for others (or so they tell me). I would never say what will work for you, only what might work.

 

[Tsotha]

Does anybody else see the irony in this statement?

I do, since I wrote it that way; the point being exactly that, since someone feels free to tell me their opinion like it's truth, I can do the same back at them.

Thank you for the remainder of your message — it's mindful, gentle, and I wish I could take your advice, but there are no right people, only people.

 

[Essie1]

Crap

The main reason I joined Lit - to try and become comfortable with the sexual/sensual side of myself after not being for so many years, to be in an environment where it was okay to have a voice and say what I wanted, all in the hope that maybe, just maybe, I would eventually be able to feel that comfortable in "real life".

It's such a sickening feeling thinking you've dealt with something (as best you can) only to realise that nope, it's still waiting to smack you in the head occasionally. And even more sickening to realise that you may just keep on fucking up your chances to have any hope of a 'normal' liaison or relationship with someone, in real life or even over chat/voice, because you're so used to the bad/mean/ugly that anyone who seems nice/kind/undemanding must come with a hidden catch, right? Constantly waiting for the shoe to drop and wishing so goddamn hard that you didn't, but you just can't help it. Constantly overthinking things because you're so scared of letting go and going with the flow, because control is sometimes the only thing you feel you have left.

How do you help someone get over being abused? You don't. It's not something you 'get over'. It's something you can move on from, it's something you can come to terms with, it's even something you may be able to lock into a small box in your mind never to be looked at again. It's something you look at with hatred because you wish you didn't have it inside you. But you never 'get over' it.

Sometimes we're not looking for help per se. Me? I would love someone to hold me while I cry, to not get angry or frustrated if I don't see myself the way they do or if I get paranoid or uncertain - not asking you to like it or enjoy it, but at least know where it's coming from - and allow me to gently explore my way through things and to enjoy the squelchy squishy stuff that my explorations may lead to!