How do you know?

[Sir Victor]

You seem to have a good grasp of what I was saying, and I think even said it better than I did. I'm not really concerned about showing proof to other people, I'm just trying to figure out myself.

Perhaps I can offer a simple answer. If you read, fantasize, or actually try being in a submissive situation, the classic tied to the bed for example, and you get aroused then there's a good chance you are submissive or at least kinky. There are of course all sorts of variations on the details but that should be a start. Seems to me that in this context sexual arousal is key to understanding where you are in this.

 

[Netzach]

I always wondered "how do people NOT know?"

For me, the moment I read/learned about leather, BDSM, etc. It was a moment of "Oh that there's a name for those things I'm feeling, and other people crazy like I am."

Sadism and dominance, for me is not this quaint little cosmo-quiz proposition. It's something I was so unnerved by that I think it's a large part of WHY I didn't participate in dating fooling around etc. until I was 18 and with someone older I couldn't get very close to. It's something I ignored in choice of relationship at my own peril, it's not going to go away and it's a pretty large signpost.

 

[Etoile]

Ah, given how this started and it being late last night I took your previous response as sarcasm. Reading it again I see that it was not, very sorry. I have no problem with debate just allow me to clarify when my point is not getting across as I intended.

I do see that you are generous and helpful on the board, very kind of you! Hope you let us know what you think of the book.

Nope, was quite serious. It turns out my best friend, who got his M.A. in linguistics, has the book, so I'm going to borrow it from him tonight.

 

[Sir Victor]

I always wondered "how do people NOT know?"

For me, the moment I read/learned about leather, BDSM, etc. It was a moment of "Oh that there's a name for those things I'm feeling, and other people crazy like I am."

Sadism and dominance, for me is not this quaint little cosmo-quiz proposition. It's something I was so unnerved by that I think it's a large part of WHY I didn't participate in dating fooling around etc. until I was 18 and with someone older I couldn't get very close to. It's something I ignored in choice of relationship at my own peril, it's not going to go away and it's a pretty large signpost.

Yes, agree completely: I always wondered "how do people NOT know?"
I felt the same way as a young teen reading "The Story of O" and wondering how I could get into such a culture. I thought the book was rather cold and lacking in emotional connection but otherwise the D/s aspect gave a name to what I felt.

Crazy, LOL, your word for different? It seemed so normal and right to me that I never thought of it as crazy!

 

[Sir Victor]

Nope, was quite serious. It turns out my best friend, who got his M.A. in linguistics, has the book, so I'm going to borrow it from him tonight.

Ah, excellent! Hope you enjoy it; there have been some profound changes in the field of linguistics in the past 20 years or so.

 

[Valleyl81]

I always wondered "how do people NOT know?"

For me, the moment I read/learned about leather, BDSM, etc. It was a moment of "Oh that there's a name for those things I'm feeling, and other people crazy like I am."

Sadism and dominance, for me is not this quaint little cosmo-quiz proposition. It's something I was so unnerved by that I think it's a large part of WHY I didn't participate in dating fooling around etc. until I was 18 and with someone older I couldn't get very close to. It's something I ignored in choice of relationship at my own peril, it's not going to go away and it's a pretty large signpost.

I can try to answer your question of how people NOT know... for me, obviously I'm here because I found something that pointed me in this direction. At some point, I came across knowledge that gave me that same feeling of "there's a name for that". But I still feel like there are ways that I just don't fit. For example, there seems to be a big focus on pain, either giving or receiving. I have no interest in pain whatsoever. rida mentioned earlier the "test" of "which side of the whip". I have no desire to be acquainted with whips in any form, I don't care who has it. So that then made me question; if that's what it means, and that's a necessary component, then it's really not me. And that's pretty much why I'm stuck and questioning. That's just one example, but there are more. I'll happen upon something that really seems to fit, then find something that makes me thing, "oh, no, that's not me at all". Hence the question of what is that one defining factor, and what else is just optional?

 

[CutieMouse]

I can try to answer your question of how people NOT know... for me, obviously I'm here because I found something that pointed me in this direction. At some point, I came across knowledge that gave me that same feeling of "there's a name for that". But I still feel like there are ways that I just don't fit. For example, there seems to be a big focus on pain, either giving or receiving. I have no interest in pain whatsoever. rida mentioned earlier the "test" of "which side of the whip". I have no desire to be acquainted with whips in any form, I don't care who has it. So that then made me question; if that's what it means, and that's a necessary component, then it's really not me. And that's pretty much why I'm stuck and questioning. That's just one example, but there are more. I'll happen upon something that really seems to fit, then find something that makes me thing, "oh, no, that's not me at all". Hence the question of what is that one defining factor, and what else is just optional?

"Which side of the whip?" is kind of a euphemism for "are you the person doing the domination, or the person receiving the domination?" Whips aren't necessarily literally involved.

I can tell you that 5-ish years ago when I finally found out there was this whole language/sub-culture/world that seemed to describe the stuff I'd inherently understood about myself for years, I was a bit horrified at the idea of people intentionally hurting one another. Or doing all that wrongwrongwrong humiliation stuff. Or letting someone else have that big of a say in my life... And that [generic] kinky person over there? WTF are they thinking to like that?!?

I haven't been all that great shakes at the whole managing successful relationship thing, but today's current list of hottness[es] include things like bastinado, and humiliations that stop me in my tracks once I realize what I've begged for, and I've been known to tweak my wardrobe, hair color, blahblahblah - all in the name of kink.

The nice thing about it, is you don't have to do things the way everyone else does; nor does your "thing" have to remain static and unchanging [unless you want it to]. The trick is finding someone else who's kinks fit yours (kinda like any other relationship ).

 

[Netzach]

I can try to answer your question of how people NOT know... for me, obviously I'm here because I found something that pointed me in this direction. At some point, I came across knowledge that gave me that same feeling of "there's a name for that". But I still feel like there are ways that I just don't fit. For example, there seems to be a big focus on pain, either giving or receiving. I have no interest in pain whatsoever. rida mentioned earlier the "test" of "which side of the whip". I have no desire to be acquainted with whips in any form, I don't care who has it. So that then made me question; if that's what it means, and that's a necessary component, then it's really not me. And that's pretty much why I'm stuck and questioning. That's just one example, but there are more. I'll happen upon something that really seems to fit, then find something that makes me thing, "oh, no, that's not me at all". Hence the question of what is that one defining factor, and what else is just optional?

It's a lot easier for people who do have SM leanings in some ways as yes, there are really tangible physical desires at play with obvious markers. But I still insist that if there's a certain je ne sais quois of surrender that just makes sex feel a certain way you don't want to live without, you will know it.

 

[CutieMouse]

It's a lot easier for people who do have SM leanings in some ways as yes, there are really tangible physical desires at play with obvious markers. But I still insist that if there's a certain je ne sais quois of surrender that just makes sex feel a certain way you don't want to live without, you will know it.

Yes.

I'd rather be celibate than suffer egalitarian sex with someone who hadn't a sadistic dominant bone in his body.

Blech.

 

[BiBunny]

I think the best way to find out without a lot of agonizing if you don't know innately is to try it in real life with someone experienced. You'll either like it, or you won't.

 

[00Syd]

A lot of the SM pain stuff turned me off at first too, I was afraid of it, I don't like pain, and I had come to the mistaken conclusion that I need to enjoy being hurt in order to be submissive.

But, of course, you don't. The only necessary component to D/s, in my mind, is the power exchange. Someone must enjoy the feeling of power, of taking power, and the other person must enjoy the feeling of giving power. For many people, SM mixes with D/s, but it doesn't have to.

Trust me, you don't have to enjoy pain (giving or taking) in order to be submissive or Dominant. If that's whats causing you to second guess yourself, don't let it.

 

[rida]

Sorry if it was not clear. The "what side of the whip" was meant in relation to what side of the power equation.

As others have said before me, D/s and M/S are not sinonimous nor have to cohesist. To mudden the waters ... think that it is not unheard of masochistic Dominants and sadistic submissive ...

ETA pain is probably the fastest way to exercise power. but it is not necessary the only nor the best way.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I think the best way to find out without a lot of agonizing if you don't know innately is to try it in real life with someone experienced. You'll either like it, or you won't.

I agree, BiBunny, and there are a lot of Dom's out there that will help you to experience it safely so you can decide based on facts. My Master is one of those people and I have watched him with submissives who aren't quite sure if that's the life for them.

 

[Valleyl81]

"Which side of the whip?" is kind of a euphemism for "are you the person doing the domination, or the person receiving the domination?" Whips aren't necessarily literally involved.

I can tell you that 5-ish years ago when I finally found out there was this whole language/sub-culture/world that seemed to describe the stuff I'd inherently understood about myself for years, I was a bit horrified at the idea of people intentionally hurting one another. Or doing all that wrongwrongwrong humiliation stuff. Or letting someone else have that big of a say in my life... And that [generic] kinky person over there? WTF are they thinking to like that?!?

I haven't been all that great shakes at the whole managing successful relationship thing, but today's current list of hottness[es] include things like bastinado, and humiliations that stop me in my tracks once I realize what I've begged for, and I've been known to tweak my wardrobe, hair color, blahblahblah - all in the name of kink.

The nice thing about it, is you don't have to do things the way everyone else does; nor does your "thing" have to remain static and unchanging [unless you want it to]. The trick is finding someone else who's kinks fit yours (kinda like any other relationship ).

I find it interesting that you used the phrase "receiving the domination"... do you think it's an accurate idea that someone would be into receiving domination rather than giving submission? Is there a difference? I certainly don't mean to be picky about word choices, just trying to get more insight.

 

[Valleyl81]

I think the best way to find out without a lot of agonizing if you don't know innately is to try it in real life with someone experienced. You'll either like it, or you won't.

Yeah, that's pretty much the conclusion I've come to. I also agree with your emphasis on real life. Though I think it's fine to ask questions here, I don't plan on living my life through the computer. But, I also know myself enough to know that I'm not going to go out there and find some guy just so I can test it and see if I like it. So I suppose at this point this is something I just get to file away in the back of my head to think about.

Thanks, to everyone who responded, for your help!

 

[Etoile]

I find it interesting that you used the phrase "receiving the domination"... do you think it's an accurate idea that someone would be into receiving domination rather than giving submission? Is there a difference? I certainly don't mean to be picky about word choices, just trying to get more insight.

Great catch...I think there is definitely a difference. They often go hand-in-hand but they don't necessarily HAVE to. I would think that when a sub is being bratty, they are refusing to give submission in the hopes of receiving domination.

 

[CutieMouse]

I find it interesting that you used the phrase "receiving the domination"... do you think it's an accurate idea that someone would be into receiving domination rather than giving submission? Is there a difference? I certainly don't mean to be picky about word choices, just trying to get more insight.

Not everyone who submits is submissive - I was having a PC moment.

*chuckles*

Interesting question though... I may have to think on it a bit...

 

[CutieMouse]

Great catch...I think there is definitely a difference. They often go hand-in-hand but they don't necessarily HAVE to. I would think that when a sub is being bratty, they are refusing to give submission in the hopes of receiving domination.

My first thought was what if the dominant is also a masochist? When being flogged/whatever is he receiving topping/domination or is he submitting?

 

[Etoile]

My first thought was what if the dominant is also a masochist? When being flogged/whatever is he receiving topping/domination or is he submitting?

Yes indeed, another good take on it! Thinking about myself, I am probably more interested in receiving domination right now than I am in submitting. I've been burned by someone I submitted to (I'm sure you can figure that one out!) and I'm not interested in submitting right now. I'm angry because of how I was burned. But oh, how I do long to receive domination. I want to be a brat right now. That's the mode I find myself in.

 

[Valleyl81]

My first thought was what if the dominant is also a masochist? When being flogged/whatever is he receiving topping/domination or is he submitting?

Doesn't that depend on who has the power? Whether he's asking for it (so he's still dominant) or allowing it to happen without being the one in control of whether or not it should/will happen (where he's receiving it on the whim of another, and therefore not dominant).

 

[CutieMouse]

Doesn't that depend on who has the power? Whether he's asking for it (so he's still dominant) or allowing it to happen without being the one in control of whether or not it should/will happen (where he's receiving it on the whim of another, and therefore not dominant).

Welcome to the world where things aren't always what they seem.

 

[Etoile]

Welcome to the world where things aren't always what they seem.

Which gets back around to deciding for yourself what you are. Whether it's sexual orientation or submission or dominance or whatever...labels are handy, but you've got to make exceptions too.

 

[midwestyankee]

Which gets back around to deciding for yourself what you are. Whether it's sexual orientation or submission or dominance or whatever...labels are handy, but you've got to make exceptions too.

I've never met a rectangular person, nor a circular person. Yet all labels are either rectangles or circles. It just doesn't fit for me to have to cram myself into a space that I haven't built with my own breath and sweat.

 

[HarlotMinx]

Odd, everyone has these complex answers involving feelings, emotions, and desires. For me, on the eclipse of our moon one summer eve I was bestowed with the mark of my position upon the flesh of my rear, forever marking me as a slave for all to see. Look at it! I swear the thing looks just like Reagan from the right angle.

Eh, in all seriousness, about the first time I attempted to have vanilla sex/relationship. It just wasn't doing it for me, and by the 6th such attempt (I figured it wouldn't hurt to try out a few genders and races) I started to listen. Actually, the reason I got into BDSM was ENTIRELY about sex... I didn't like it. About the time that I realized I didn't like sex nor did I get pleasure from it, I started looking at what did make me happy. Turns out that something involved mistress.

-poppet

 

[ownedsubgal]

Perhaps I can offer a simple answer. If you read, fantasize, or actually try being in a submissive situation, the classic tied to the bed for example, and you get aroused then there's a good chance you are submissive or at least kinky. There are of course all sorts of variations on the details but that should be a start. Seems to me that in this context sexual arousal is key to understanding where you are in this.

wow, i disagree with the above completely. i've never believed that submissive or dominant orientation could be judged by what turns you on. especially in the case of a submissive, because of the desire to please and often an inability to refuse others...there are bound to be many sexual experiences that are not in any way physical turn-ons, but which still in some inexplicable way simply feel right. "right," as in, this is where i belong, this is what i am. not "right," as in oh this is yummy, or even as in, "this is a good/positive thing." but eh, those are just my feelings on the matter.