How much is too much or too little sex in a marriage

[AlexBailey]

My wife and I raised four kids who have all gone out in the world, our sex life was always fun and healthy, much of it was kinky and queer - always breaking new ground.

Since the kids left she’s been focusing on her career and hit perimenopause with a vengeance. She gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of stamina, we’ve both had some medical issues, and she deals with some chronic pain issues, so sex is the last thing on her mind.

We don’t hold chauvinist gender roles, I do almost all of the cooking, lots of cleaning, yard work, and take care of the house and yard. I still run my contracting business and make most of our household income but she’s been quickly catching up, though it takes a toll on her. She comes home and downloads all of her stress from work - real stress that affects people’s lives on a survival basis, then she eats the dinner I’ve made and falls asleep in front of the TV within an hour.

She no longer has interest, not only in sex, but almost any intimacy. We’re still best friends and go hiking, kayaking, dancing….

The trouble is I feel like I did as a teen when I had a crush on a girl who was a best friend but she had no romantic interest in me - it happened to me three different times actually.

It’s not so much a conscious thought as it is an aching feeling, I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Sure she wants my attention, and loves the home we have together but my wants and desires are only a problem.

I’m feeling deepening depression and feeling resentful that she’s wired to be completely monogamous and possessive.

I hate my life right now but I’m also fully aware of how good things are - all except for sex and intimacy. If I weren’t familiar with this from earlier in life I would probably be a danger to myself just because I feel so down.

 

[StrongMaster7]

I love threads like this.

In my opinion, this is a problem that has no solution, in some cases. Like mine.

I'd love to have sex twice a day. I'd be happy beyond words to 'settle for' twice a week.

I am 'the demand'. My wife controls 'the supply'.

And here's the killer. My wife cannot act. Even if she is willing to go through the motions of having sex, I can tell she is not into it, and so it is no good for me. I'd rather jerk off to porn. And I do. So, I am limited in my marriage to her sexual desire, which she told me early on was low. Sex, the most important thing in life for me, is 'not very important' to her. I could leave. But I love her.

And don't get me started about how linited, routine, and quick our sex is.

If you can talk frankly and openly about sex with your wife, good for you. Lay out exactly what you want. Then let her tell you her version. Good luck.

 

[AlexBailey]

I love threads like this.

In my opinion, this is a problem that has no solution, in some cases. Like mine.

I'd love to have sex twice a day. I'd be happy beyond words to 'settle for' twice a week.

I am 'the demand'. My wife controls 'the supply'.

And here's the killer. My wife cannot act. Even if she is willing to go through the motions of having sex, I can tell she is not into it, and so it is no good for me. I'd rather jerk off to porn. And I do. So, I am limited in my marriage to her sexual desire, which she told me early on was low. Sex, the most important thing in life for me, is 'not very important' to her. I could leave. But I love her.

And don't get me started about how linited, routine, and quick our sex is.

If you can talk frankly and openly about sex with your wife, good for you. Lay out exactly what you want. Then let her tell you her version. Good luck.

My wife has no trouble talking about our sex life, in fact she likes talking about it way more than doing it. She likes the idea of sexuality, she’s constantly trying to get in better physical shape so she feels more confident in herself, saying maybe that will bring her libido back, but that’s not her focus.

She’s told me she would fully understand if I left her for someone else, she would miss me terribly but doesn’t want to be responsible for ‘holding me back’. She says she wouldn’t be interested in having another partner at this stage in life.

So now I feel even more useless. I guess as a partner I’m a superfluous place holder for her, she’d be fine without me.

 

[Crownvic]

My wife has no trouble talking about our sex life, in fact she likes talking about it way more than doing it. She likes the idea of sexuality, she’s constantly trying to get in better physical shape so she feels more confident in herself, saying maybe that will bring her libido back, but that’s not her focus.

She’s told me she would fully understand if I left her for someone else, she would miss me terribly but doesn’t want to be responsible for ‘holding me back’. She says she wouldn’t be interested in having another partner at this stage in life.

So now I feel even more useless. I guess as a partner I’m a superfluous place holder for her, she’d be fine without me.

Time for her to make a decision....are you in or out?

 

[Erodicus]

Together over 14 years
2 cockblockers-youngish

He has low drive.
Distracted by responsibilities.
It just seems to work out like that.

You know your work-life balance is out of kilter when it's fucking with your sex life, if that's not too confusing...

 

[AlexBailey]

Time for her to make a decision....are you in or out?

I’m in.
I never thought I’d be ‘one of those guys who would whine and complain but I’m miserable. Sexuality is a big part of me.

The funny thing is that when she broke up with her last partner, one of the things she decided she wanted in her next was for them to be hornier than she was. She got what she asked for.

 

[wifewatcher1997]

I love threads like this.

In my opinion, this is a problem that has no solution, in some cases. Like mine.

I'd love to have sex twice a day. I'd be happy beyond words to 'settle for' twice a week.

I am 'the demand'. My wife controls 'the supply'.

And here's the killer. My wife cannot act. Even if she is willing to go through the motions of having sex, I can tell she is not into it, and so it is no good for me. I'd rather jerk off to porn. And I do. So, I am limited in my marriage to her sexual desire, which she told me early on was low. Sex, the most important thing in life for me, is 'not very important' to her. I could leave. But I love her.

And don't get me started about how linited, routine, and quick our sex is.

If you can talk frankly and openly about sex with your wife, good for you. Lay out exactly what you want. Then let her tell you her version. Good luck.

I relate in many areas here as my wife ebbs and flows with her desires. Right now, work is the #1 priority to her

 

[wifewatcher1997]

My wife and I raised four kids who have all gone out in the world, our sex life was always fun and healthy, much of it was kinky and queer - always breaking new ground.

Since the kids left she’s been focusing on her career and hit perimenopause with a vengeance. She gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of stamina, we’ve both had some medical issues, and she deals with some chronic pain issues, so sex is the last thing on her mind.

We don’t hold chauvinist gender roles, I do almost all of the cooking, lots of cleaning, yard work, and take care of the house and yard. I still run my contracting business and make most of our household income but she’s been quickly catching up, though it takes a toll on her. She comes home and downloads all of her stress from work - real stress that affects people’s lives on a survival basis, then she eats the dinner I’ve made and falls asleep in front of the TV within an hour.

She no longer has interest, not only in sex, but almost any intimacy. We’re still best friends and go hiking, kayaking, dancing….

The trouble is I feel like I did as a teen when I had a crush on a girl who was a best friend but she had no romantic interest in me - it happened to me three different times actually.

It’s not so much a conscious thought as it is an aching feeling, I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Sure she wants my attention, and loves the home we have together but my wants and desires are only a problem.

I’m feeling deepening depression and feeling resentful that she’s wired to be completely monogamous and possessive.

I hate my life right now but I’m also fully aware of how good things are - all except for sex and intimacy. If I weren’t familiar with this from earlier in life I would probably be a danger to myself just because I feel so down.

Completely understand these thoughts and concerns raised. Deal with some of these issues too.

 

[Strixaluco]

My wife and I raised four kids who have all gone out in the world, our sex life was always fun and healthy, much of it was kinky and queer - always breaking new ground.

Since the kids left she’s been focusing on her career and hit perimenopause with a vengeance. She gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of stamina, we’ve both had some medical issues, and she deals with some chronic pain issues, so sex is the last thing on her mind.

We don’t hold chauvinist gender roles, I do almost all of the cooking, lots of cleaning, yard work, and take care of the house and yard. I still run my contracting business and make most of our household income but she’s been quickly catching up, though it takes a toll on her. She comes home and downloads all of her stress from work - real stress that affects people’s lives on a survival basis, then she eats the dinner I’ve made and falls asleep in front of the TV within an hour.

She no longer has interest, not only in sex, but almost any intimacy. We’re still best friends and go hiking, kayaking, dancing….

The trouble is I feel like I did as a teen when I had a crush on a girl who was a best friend but she had no romantic interest in me - it happened to me three different times actually.

It’s not so much a conscious thought as it is an aching feeling, I’m in love with someone who doesn’t want me. Sure she wants my attention, and loves the home we have together but my wants and desires are only a problem.

I’m feeling deepening depression and feeling resentful that she’s wired to be completely monogamous and possessive.

I hate my life right now but I’m also fully aware of how good things are - all except for sex and intimacy. If I weren’t familiar with this from earlier in life I would probably be a danger to myself just because I feel so down.

That makes me wonder how much hormonal treatment could do. And even without any, sounds like she needs to give attention to her general health, as that appears to me to be a route to burnout. Even health issues may be due to or worsened by too much stress.

But frankly, menopause may take a great toll on its own, starting by affecting sleep - and many women eat antidepressants when the more effective treatment would be big enough hormone replacement therapy doses. (Here it's sadly common for the doctors to think that it's enough to treat the hot fleshes away, but it isn't. That's just the most easily treated symptom.)

 

[Tribe77]

40’s, kids are grown and out the house. Even with all that, if I can get her in bed once a week right now, that’s a good week. But similar, it’s a roller coaster.

When it happens, it’s usually tremendous. She still checks damn near all my boxes in between the sheets, but I’m willing to trade quality for quantity at this point.

Relate to this. When we have sex it's amazing. But it comes out to about once per month which is not nearly enough for me. She blames the anti anxiety meds.

 

[Strixaluco]

Relate to this. When we have sex it's amazing. But it comes out to about once per month which is not nearly enough for me. She blames the anti anxiety meds.

And she's probably right, many psychologic drugs have that kind of effect. Antidepressants took my libido totally away. (Luckily it returned later without them.) No orgasms, totally dependent on lube, and I was lucky that my then husband was very considerate and not big... The only joy for me was the closeness.

 

[Britva415]

I asked about extramarital sex months ago, because my marriage is completely sexless. I've put a stop to the minimal, unthrilling, unsatisfying and infrequent compromise "sex" we'd have every once in a great while. Just, no thanks. She's marginally willing to provide a marginally sexual interaction a very few times a year. So there isn't even any pretense any longer of us having any kind of sexual relationship together.

At the time I asked about it, she just immediately said No, said she wouldn't be able to handle it, and said No to me asking if we couldn't just talk about it some more.

The other day I briefly brought it up again. I told her that I wanted to talk about it, and wasn't happy about not even being able to talk through it together regardless of whether there might turn out to be anything she'd approve of me doing, extramaritally. Because without that option, and without even the option to talk about it, I didn't see it working out between us, long term.

She knows that, and she surprised me by saying she had thought about it some more in the meantime, and was willing to talk about it after all.

We haven't done so yet (because this happened while I was just about to leave for work) but we will soon.

We'll see how it goes!

I'm okay with a sexless marriage as long as it doesn't mean I can't get it elsewhere in some way or another.

It's not because I don't love my wife that I want extramarital sex, it's because I do. She knows this too.

 

[Winchester3030]

I have a sexless marriage, my wife has never really enjoyed sex at all. I’m not sure if it’s her strict religious upbringing or she would rather be with another female but here I am trying to find relief on Lit!!

 

[Strixaluco]

I have a sexless marriage, my wife has never really enjoyed sex at all. I’m not sure if it’s her strict religious upbringing or she would rather be with another female but here I am trying to find relief on Lit!!

Consider third option - might be asexual. Or fourth, something medical that has not being found.

 

[Tribe77]

And she's probably right, many psychologic drugs have that kind of effect. Antidepressants took my libido totally away. (Luckily it returned later without them.) No orgasms, totally dependent on lube, and I was lucky that my then husband was very considerate and not big... The only joy for me was the closeness.

Thank you for the response. And yeah, she is right. She'll stop taking them for a few days when she wants to have sex. I hate that she has to do that.

 

[Bbl87]

That makes me wonder how much hormonal treatment could do. And even without any, sounds like she needs to give attention to her general health, as that appears to me to be a route to burnout. Even health issues may be due to or worsened by too much stress.

But frankly, menopause may take a great toll on its own, starting by affecting sleep - and many women eat antidepressants when the more effective treatment would be big enough hormone replacement therapy doses. (Here it's sadly common for the doctors to think that it's enough to treat the hot fleshes away, but it isn't. That's just the most easily treated symptom.)

This is kind of my worry. My wife recently went on antidepressants. Her libido was nearly non-existant to begin with and if it's possible I thinks become even less. It has helped her anxiety and depression, so at least it's doing its job though.

She suffers from PCOS so almost certainly has some level of a hormone imbalance. But her previous OBGYN just said to lose weight and that will help. Since then, I've tried to encourage her to talk to our new PCP and her new GYN about the possibility of hormone treatments. She recently told me to stop talking about it, she'd treat things the way she wanted to when she was ready to.

That was pretty discouraging. It is absolutely her body, her life, and her choice to do things how she wants to. But I feel like exploring it would be a good idea and potentially help with our issues with sex. Or, I guess mine, since it doesn't bother her. But in the 10 years we've been married, issues with frequency of sex have been ever present and the thing that was "blamed" for it has just moved from one thing to another, and I'm afraid that will continue until menopause and that will be the big one.

 

[Bbl87]

It was a few times a week when we first got married, then one a week, then once every couple of weeks, and then ...

I'll be honest, I'm jealous of people that had it a few times a week when they were first married.

We were once a week before we got married because that was how often we saw each other, but she suggested it would definitely be more once we lived together. Happened 3 times on our honeymoon, which was our peak, and then it's been once a week if I'm lucky for the last 11 years, more commonly once or twice a month. There's been a few times it happened twice in a week, but the vast majority were when we were trying to conceive and she mainly wanted to because she was ovulating.

 

[Bbl87]

Well, once a week or once or twice a month beats the shit out of none for 8 years or so. Sigh.

Valid point. Though I have a feeling I'm on my way there eventually. She did recently admit to me she's not "in love" with me anymore even though she does love me. I can't imagine that boding well in the long term.

 

[mark_j]

Valid point. Though I have a feeling I'm on my way there eventually. She did recently admit to me she's not "in love" with me anymore even though she does love me. I can't imagine that boding well in the long term.

Yup, you're fucked...

 

[screwher]

If both partners are feeling 110 then there’s no such thing as too much sex. Too little though would be only doing it 2 or 3 times a month.

And once a week, the couple should invite another man into the bedroom. So the husband can watch him fuck the wife!

 

[Strixaluco]

Valid point. Though I have a feeling I'm on my way there eventually. She did recently admit to me she's not "in love" with me anymore even though she does love me. I can't imagine that boding well in the long term.

Being in love is a biological, hormonal phenomena that lasts at most 2 years, there's a lot of research on that. Loving is emotional only and can last without limits.

 

[Strixaluco]

But I've twice made the error of choosing a man who doesn't make my hormones go absolutely wild. The first time I was inexperienced and also eating p-pills which change hormones radically. The second time I should have known, I had had better experiences already...

As both times the sex wound down from decent to nonexistent. And by decent I mean it started by at most once a weekend when seeing each other, and my orgasms were far from guaranteed.

Otherwise, with a man that makes me wild already with his personal scent, it never lessened over the years. And right now I have a hunch that's the way with my current Dom. Seeing only once a week it's still usually more than once per visit... If staying overnight, it's a question of how many times, and don't even ask about my orgasms because I usually loose count.

Meaning, choosing a partner whose pheromones make me wild, meaning whose genetically compatible (nature is very much into reproduction...), does all the difference.

Then again, asexuals and possibly demisexuals would probably have totally different experiences. And I suspect not all of them know they are such. When I grew up those phenomena weren't discussed at all.

 

[cdstefi]

Wow, some very open and honest posts here. Which must have been hard to express and share.

I'm in a similar boat to many. My wife struggles with anxiety and self-esteem, she has a stupidly demanding job (teaching secondary school post-covid is no joke, the pupils are basically feral now). We were pretty kinky and carefree when we met but years of meds have done nothing for her weight and libido and only barely keep her anxiety and suicidal ideations in check. In the last year or so she's also picked up a nasty bout of CFS which means any physical effort reduces her to a wreck.

We haven't had full on sex for a long time. She does still like when I masturbate next to her, and appreciates me telling her I still find her sexy, and we do at least get on brilliantly, share everything, make each other laugh. And in some ways that makes our love feel stronger even if she still struggles with the idea of being loved